It half term and DH is iill.., again

[IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads]

Every flaming school holiday DH is Iill. He's not a teacher, doesn't work in education. just a dad who seems to have some kind of man flu stress response to spend more than a few hours with his children )they are 11 and 14). It's no longer a joke to me about how many different places in the UK and abroad we've bought Lemsip in!!

Apparently he's too poorly to get up, and going by past experience will be for 4 or 6 days.

So - that's a wasted theatre ticket tonight, and me trying to book a bit of leave at short notice next week. The DC are old enough to look after themselves, buy we are rural enough throat they need lifts to places/cricket camp/friends etc.

Every flaming holiday.

(I took the Easter holidays off and the summer is split between us. Both are too old for holiday clubs. They see friends a bit. No local grandparents in good enough health.)

OP does say he's been to the doctors and has had multiple tests - so any physical cause should have been picked up already.

I imagine it's just a case of cheeky fuckery syndrome.

Is he a workaholic and totally overdoing it? My job is term-time only and I’m very stressed and burned out. I have been ill every school holiday for a year - it makes me pretty miserable. The difference is I’m not taking to my bed, obviously.

OTC drug dependency isn't unknown for causing this either and is frighteningly common. Being away from the work environment and surrounded by family reduces opportunity to chemist hop.
Hopefully it's neither of these. But there's a difference in lying around groaning to escape family life, and the observed physical symptoms he is showing. If its such an absolute pattern as the OP describes, there's likely to be an underlying cause.

My husband used to get sick (cold type) at the beginning of every holiday, and it really was just the relaxation after work stress seemed to allow bugs to hit him. He started taking echinacea and vitamin C from about ten days before we went away and for a couple of weeks in total and it was remarkable that it seemed to fix it. I don't care if you tell me it was a placebo effect, but it worked and made holidays much better!

Why is it men can take to their sickbeds for days on end but women are expected to crack on?
I've been off work with covid all week, don't feel really unwell but don't feel great. DH every night hs asked me "what's for tea" and every night he's been told he's an adult who's full capable of making a meal. I do everything else and have done all week. As I type this I'm up with DD while DH is upstairs in bed.
OP I'm not sure id be able to tolerate it every half term

When you next book a holiday, say to him, look I’ll just book it for me and the kids as you are always ill.

Morning all

I went to the theatre (with the dc), gave DH's ticket to a friend of DD's and we had a great time. Ironically, it was DH's idea to go in the first place. We got a bit lost in a city I don't know that well, and ended up eating ice cream in motorway McD's at 11pm, which is very exciting if you're a country mouse 11 year old!

I'd highly recommend "Six!".(I wouldn't recommend driving in Hull!).

Back to DH. I suppose his job could be described as stressful, but he doesn't work particularly long hours. 9-5 M-F time hours. He drives a lot for his job, but he's one of these who actively enjoys driving. He's very senior - technical director - but does not particularly like his job, and is vaguely looking around for something new. I think this is a red herring though, as this holiday flu thing has been going on for a good decade- through different jobs and different grades.

He's been coughing all night, big chesty productive cough, looks like crap tbh and his lymph nodes are swollen.

He's genuine a good guy. Did his fair share of night feeds, happy changes, school runs, child ferrying, housework, homework assistance, cooking, laundry, supporting kids at sports matches and concerts - more than me on the household stuff score certainly. He's a dutiful son in law too, does odd jobs for my dm, takes her to many of her hospital appts etc. We do have an equitable relationship apart from school holidays! (and he gave up cycling when the dc were little as it took him away to much!).

He knows that this is a ridiculous state of affairs, and he knows that it's not good or helpful that he is ill every 7 weeks or so, but investigations have revealed nothing! His diet is ok - not amazing, but ok. He exercises for a hour or so a few times a week. He gets plenty enough sleep.

I'm sure this is psychosomatic, but what do we do?

(I won't be taking any extra leave.)

I'm sure this is psychosomatic, but what do we do?

Nothing.

He needs to carry on as normal - you have to work and he has children at home. He doesn't have the luxury of lying in his bed all week doing fuck all 🤷‍♀️

I’ve had noro virus before, puking my guts out and fainted while looking after my very active toddler. Not ideal but there was no-one else to help and I had to get through it. Would have loved to swop that for a cough and looking after two self sufficient kids over ten!

Imagine the situation where you didn't (or couldn't) take leave or be creative with flexi. Because of this one of your children missed an event because your husband remained ill in bed. Whose fault would missing the event be considered by:

• your children
• your husband
• you?

In fact, has this ever happened? Do you think he really would stay in bed and not take them?

I'm sure this is psychosomatic, but what do we do?

Hypnotherapy?

He's been coughing all night, big chesty productive cough, looks like crap tbh and his lymph nodes are swollen.

Not sure how this can be psychosymatic.

Can you?

Has he tested for Covid? It's still around quite a bit. People have stopped being careful but the numbers are actually quite high and I know people who have had or 2 or 3 times.

I just wanted to chip in as someone who gets sick very frequently for no reason that doctors can identify. I don’t do it deliberately. I can’t help it. I do all the right things but I still catch everything. Last year I had 22 separate illnesses. It’s really shit.

It's not so much that he's ill but that he takes to his bed often causing Op to take time off.

I think he has a real sense of entitlement that he thinks he can just take himself off to bed with a cough 🤔

Most parents can’t do that. You suck it up, take painkillers and crack on. I have all sorts of disabilities including lupus and I can honestly say I’ve never taken myself off to bed - at all- for being ill, including the time I had tonsillitis and glandular fever at the same time and a very demanding toddler with autism to care for! (I’m not looking for a medal, just had to manage as dh couldn’t take time off, we were literally barely managing financially without losing more money).

I wonder why your dh thinks he’s entitled to just swan off to bed for days.

Absolutely no need to go to bed with a bad cold (I've had some stinkers in my time). He needs to pop some day nurse pills (forget lemsip and all other remedies, nothing else comes close) and crack on with life.

He really does need to crack on , while you are at work if the kids need to be somewhere that is on him.

I didn’t read the whole thread do apologies if it’s mentioned. I used to have genuine sickness due to anxiety before travel. I literally spent quite a lot of time last day before travel in bed being very unwell , I thought it’s gastro but then after a while realized that it’s anxiety induced. So something to consider. He might be ill due to anxiety.
Another thing that he is overworking before holidays to leave everything in order and then just literally collapsing on the first day of holiday.
I feel for you and DC.
By the way he might be not well enough to go somewhere and socialize and be active but still well enough to drive DC to activities.

Of course it's shit being ill, but when you're a parent you can't just opt out and take to your bed for days on end.

He has a cough and feels crap - which sucks, but he just needs to get on with it unfortunately. His wife needs to work and his children need looking after 🤷‍♀️

If you think it's psychological, then why not test that theory?

If, for example, your DH is a massive F1 fan, say "Clive from work phoned, he's managed to get an invite for a garden party on Monday and some of your favourite F1 drivers are going to be there (name a few), his wife can't make it and he knows your a big fan, so has asked if you want to go. I've said you're sick this week, but didn't want to not ask you, so what do you think? Do you think you could rally for Monday and put meet your idols? He needs to know today as if you can't go, he'll pass the invite on?"

You need to make the story believable obviously, but something once-in-a-lifetime event for him.

If he says he can go and will make sure he feels better, then you act pleased for him, make some fake plans about where he's meeting "Clive" on Monday and encourage him to do everything he can to feel better for "the event".

When Monday rocks around and he's in his best clothes ready to go, you give him the good news that you've proved his "illnesses" are just in his head and he's actually healthy; what a relief for everyone, you can all crack on with your lives down without the dark cloud of his possible illness looming over head.

And by the way, now he's well, can he run the kids about, mow the lawn and out the hoover round.

On the other hand if he is truly so I'll he can't make himself better for the fake event, you also know that he does in fact deserve some sympathy.

Tell me you’re an incel without telling me your an incel.

Psychosomatic illness can cause genuine symptoms. But because they are not caused by a physical illness, treating the symptoms doesn't necessarily make them go away. The psychological care of the illness has to be treated, whether it is stress, anxiety, overwork, whatever.

But, yes, as a parent you don't get to just take to your bed whenever you feel rough.

Yes, he's gone 2 Covid tests 24 hrs apart.

He actually got up and cleaned the kitchen. Now recovering on the sofa 🙄

Does he take a multi-vitamin? In his shoes, I’d do everything I could to boost my immune system, lots of green veggies, foods high in Vitamin C, etc..