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Original poster

It half term and DH is iill.., again

191 replies

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/05/2023 17:03

Every flaming school holiday DH is Iill. He's not a teacher, doesn't work in education. just a dad who seems to have some kind of man flu stress response to spend more than a few hours with his children )they are 11 and 14). It's no longer a joke to me about how many different places in the UK and abroad we've bought Lemsip in!!

Apparently he's too poorly to get up, and going by past experience will be for 4 or 6 days.

So - that's a wasted theatre ticket tonight, and me trying to book a bit of leave at short notice next week. The DC are old enough to look after themselves, buy we are rural enough throat they need lifts to places/cricket camp/friends etc.

Every flaming holiday.

(I took the Easter holidays off and the summer is split between us. Both are too old for holiday clubs. They see friends a bit. No local grandparents in good enough health.)

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 26/05/2023 18:45

SheilaFentiman · 26/05/2023 18:43

Psychosomatic

Or deliberate disengagement from responsibility?

SheilaFentiman · 26/05/2023 18:46

Possibly, I was just helping out with the word 😀

CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 26/05/2023 18:47

A mystery illness that only strikes during the school holidays. And every school holiday at that.

My sympathy for him would be far below zero.

You must be a saint to put up with that malingerer.

PhoenixIsFlying · 26/05/2023 18:48

I am a single mum and for 13 years , since my daughter was born I have never once gone to bed due to illness. I have been very ill however.

I can totally get your frustration. The one time you need him to help....

DrDavidStarKey · 26/05/2023 18:48

I did a locum once. I was supposed to cover six months but after 4.5 months I was so ill I had to leave.

I'm normally as robust as hell. I was living on site.

The work pattern was 13 days in a row and at the end I would get four days off. In the 13 days it would be a combination of finishing at five and then having two hours off and then being on call overnight or finishing at seven and then being off.

I was paid phenomenally well.

Every single time I had the four days off, by the end of day one I was so ill with flu like symptoms it was insane. I would just about get back on my feet by the time the next run of thirteen days started.

The job was mental and physical. It was really very physical. By the time I got to the four and a half month mark I cracked and left.

I put the flu like symptoms to just suddenly stopping and something awful then happening to my immune system maybe? I have no idea. They offered me a permanent role but there's no way I could have stuck it. I am certain it was mainly due to the hard physical labour.

Songbird54321 · 26/05/2023 18:50

I had to drag myself round a sodding zoo the day after I’d been up vomiting all night over Easter weekend cause I’d promised the kids. He’ll survive.
I will say though that I do tend to get ill between Christmas and New Year more years than not. I’ve always thought it a combination of lots of viruses going round that time of year and me finally relaxing after a stressful fews weeks meaning my body is just exhausted and gives in. It’s very annoying though.

Kimten · 26/05/2023 18:50

What a wanker.

Show him this thread.

Weallgottachangesometime · 26/05/2023 18:52

Hayliebells · 26/05/2023 18:43

I actually Googled that word @Weallgottachangesometime , to see if, although unlikely, it was actually a word 😂. But nope, not a word. Did you just make up a word, or was it supposed to be something else?

Show quote history

I knew the beginning but didn’t know how it ended so mashed the keys and hoped someone else would know it…..and it worked! 😂

Hayliebells · 26/05/2023 18:52

DrDavidStarKey · 26/05/2023 18:48

I did a locum once. I was supposed to cover six months but after 4.5 months I was so ill I had to leave.

I'm normally as robust as hell. I was living on site.

The work pattern was 13 days in a row and at the end I would get four days off. In the 13 days it would be a combination of finishing at five and then having two hours off and then being on call overnight or finishing at seven and then being off.

I was paid phenomenally well.

Every single time I had the four days off, by the end of day one I was so ill with flu like symptoms it was insane. I would just about get back on my feet by the time the next run of thirteen days started.

The job was mental and physical. It was really very physical. By the time I got to the four and a half month mark I cracked and left.

I put the flu like symptoms to just suddenly stopping and something awful then happening to my immune system maybe? I have no idea. They offered me a permanent role but there's no way I could have stuck it. I am certain it was mainly due to the hard physical labour.

Yes, I think this is definitely a thing. I'm a teacher and I see this a lot, people battle through the term and then get ill during the school holidays when they're no longer running on adrenaline. But, this presumably isn't what is happening with the OPs DH. If they were doing a very physically and mentally demanding job, and then they crash when on leave, I reckon the OP would have mentioned it. Also, it's a bit early, the leave hasn't even started yet!

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 26/05/2023 18:53

Letsallthinkofaname · 26/05/2023 17:05

Don't book extra leave. He's an adult, he's going to have to just woman up and get on with it.

Absolutely this!

Clymene · 26/05/2023 18:54

Don't book leave for gods sake. Stop enabling him. He can ferry the kids about. Like you said, he's not contagious.

NoSquirrels · 26/05/2023 18:56

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/05/2023 17:51

Yeh. Not going to take any additional leave , not that I have much to take, but I'll need to be creative with flexi time of DH does nit get up. DD has a couple of art workshops that I really wouldn't want her to miss.

We have spoken at length about this holiday illness thing. He's been fir a well man check over with our GP and BUPA and had various blood tests, and there's nothing apparently wrong. He eats ok, cycles to work do reasonably fit, and does
his fair share of housework. He swears he doesn't do it deliberately, but he's never ill in term time!!

This has been going on for at least 10 years. We've even stopped st the side of the motorway, 20 mins from home for him to be sick, and missed the first day of our holiday once. And many times he's lain in bed in the hotel/cottage. He appears genuinely ill - he's not reading, watching films or anything. Just lying in bed. I run out of tea and sympathy after about 24 hrs. But whatever he has, we've never got, even when it was d&v.

Sounds psychosomatic, a stress response as you say.

What is he generally like as a father? From when they were small to now?

Does he have any other stress or anxiety issues?

Does he agree it could be a physical response to a psychological issue? Would he talk to the doctor about that, rather than Well Man checks etc?

ColdHandsHotHead · 26/05/2023 18:58

How do his parents respond to illness? I'm asking because my mother always made illness into a big deal, kept us off school and in bed and so on. I was 50 when I realised you can actually work through a bad cold. You might not choose to but I had an assignment for a course I was on and not doing it wasn't an option. I was gobsmacked to discover that YES! life can go on even if you aren't well.

user1471538283 · 26/05/2023 19:01

Like many parents I've been really sick (food poisoning, gastroenteritis, flu, nearly broken limbs) and still cracked on with looking after my DS. We've had periods when we've both had tummy bugs at the same time and I still got on with it. Because parenting doesn't just stop.

Do not book leave. He is relying on you to do so so he can get out of giving your DC lifts and getting food for them.

BungleandGeorge · 26/05/2023 19:02

It’s well accepted that it’s once you take a break from an exhausting and stressful job your immunity is lower and you then come down with a bug! Surely most people have experienced this? However, it’s unlikely that he’s so unwell he can’t give the kids a few lifts in the car and look after an 11 and 14 year old. If he’s that unwell he needs a medical opinion! I really don’t think you need to take time off. If he is very stressed/ exhausted he obviously needs to put measures in place to prevent that- talking therapy? Earlier bed time?

red78hot · 26/05/2023 19:02

He's got manflu not ebola, he needs to sort his shit out, I'm assuming you aren't bedridden everytime you get a cold 😅

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/05/2023 19:09

Why have you enabled this shit for the last decade?

BreadInCaptivity · 26/05/2023 19:09

BungleandGeorge · 26/05/2023 19:02

It’s well accepted that it’s once you take a break from an exhausting and stressful job your immunity is lower and you then come down with a bug! Surely most people have experienced this? However, it’s unlikely that he’s so unwell he can’t give the kids a few lifts in the car and look after an 11 and 14 year old. If he’s that unwell he needs a medical opinion! I really don’t think you need to take time off. If he is very stressed/ exhausted he obviously needs to put measures in place to prevent that- talking therapy? Earlier bed time?

You assume his job is more exhausting/stressful than the OP?

Honestly the pandering here is just silly.

bringbacksideburns · 26/05/2023 19:13

You would be really daft not to use the theatre tickets! Ring round your friends and gift them one and go out. The kids can watch a film until you get back. I was babysitting at 14/15! They will be fine.

Not a lot you can do about the ill situation but I highly doubt he should still be in bed after 4 days - but it sounds like that’s normal for him if it’s been going on for a decade. He is perfectly capable of lying on sofa watching kids - don’t waste more leave!! If your kids have to miss out this time they will have to. You need to make your point. Does he eat during these periods of extreme illness btw?

SheilaFentiman · 26/05/2023 19:16

TBF the OP said it was a waste of “a” ticket - hopefully she is still going !

LadyLapsang · 26/05/2023 19:26

It’s definitely a recognised response in some people in stressful (to them) jobs and I’m surprised this aspect wasn’t raised when he had the health checks, or maybe it was and he hasn’t told you. I think he may need to build in some time to decompress, e,g, I would now find it difficult to finish work late one day, with last minute requests and handovers, and go on holiday the next day; and he should look at how to reduce stress day to day. It’s not only teachers that get end of term it is!

YaWeeSkitter · 26/05/2023 19:33

I would be more concerned that hes wasting his annual leave by being ill each time. Or does he report the illness once hes back at work and so still has annual leave to take ?

Airz · 26/05/2023 19:38

I must be different from most men as even if I'm unwell I do my bit I had a knee op and hasn't stopped me doing my share with the kids tell him to man up do his bit as you can't take time off so short notice

FraserNow · 26/05/2023 19:41

IF - and this is a massive IF, he has such a stressful job that he just sort of collapses with symptoms during any holiday as a PP has suggested, well then he needs to find better coping strategies or change things up as how is OP supposed to manage? She has to suck up all his stress as well as her own?

I have been that person (as many of us have) with huge stress at work and sometimes being off colour during holidays but I NEVER did this nor was it with such regularity.

I’m calling LAZY-ARSE-ITIS on it.

caringcarer · 26/05/2023 19:41

Letsallthinkofaname · 26/05/2023 17:05

Don't book extra leave. He's an adult, he's going to have to just woman up and get on with it.

Leave him a couple of Lemsip and he can ferry the kids to a cricket club or swimming or whatever. Tell him you can't book short notice leave, so he just has to cope. It's not like they are babies for goodness sake he really should be ashamed of his thoughtless lack of effort and expecting you to fly to the rescue. What is wrong with some men?