On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

Ah op I hope now that you are home you can be supported by your friends and family in real life as well as on here. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

How you and the kids holding up op?

Kids are ok thanks.

I am not ok. I'm really not ok.

During yet another "chat" I just find out more about his scheming and it makes me sick to my stomach.
I've told him I'm out, I'm done.

I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow. Hoping it might help. Doubt it will.

Sorry to hear it OP x one day at a time x

OP it's okay to say you are not OK.
How could you be okay considering everything that you are going through.
Best of luck with the counselling.

OK, no more 'chats'. You've tried it and now you know it serves no positive purpose. 'Chats' should make you angry and determined. If they're making you sick, time to stop.

Please give yourself some slack with the counselor. At first you're going to have a lot of negative emotions to bring up. You may be 'picking at (emotional) sore spots'. There may be uncomfortable questions that you can't answer. That's all perfectly normal but can be upsetting So you may very well feel drained or 'worse' after the first few sessions. But once you get all that's festering inside you out, you can start to examine it, put it in its proper place in your head, and then rebuild yourself.

It's tough work. I know. I was in counseling because I picked shitty men over and over and it took me 18 months of hard and painful work to get myself where I wanted to be. But it was so worth it! To my knowledge I wasn't cheated on, but hey, an asshole is still an asshole no matter what shape they take.

Give yourself time, but yourself slack. You will get through this at your own pace. Don't expect miracles, but do expect progress.

"CUT yourself slack"!

Of course you are devastated, Mani. Your H was happy to rob your agency and deviously sneak his OW into your marriage and family. He also cheated previously, so a pattern has emerged.

It would be game over for me, but a good counselor will be a godsend as a support for expressing your feelings, organizing your thoughts, and learning effective coping strategies.

I hope your first session goes well.

I’m sorry OP.

I think you need to get yourself some space, he needs to move out. A counsellor can’t make it better as no one can change what he’s done but can hopefully help you compartmentalise and move forward.

OP it sounds like you have found out more that merely confirms your worst fears. As others have said, I hope you can now draw a line and consolidate. What happens from now is not a collaborative effort between him and you, and whilst being challenging, it will be fine. IMHO it's worth confirming to yourself that he is now the past and that collaboration is now unhelpful. Any 'collaboration' you now have is a fact-finding exercise for yourself and your DC only, and if he believes it to be collaborative then you can start turning the tables. The tipping point of your new life is unnerving - but we are all virtually behind you, wishing you well, and some of us have been where you have been and know that life is now much much better. I hope things go well with the counsellor and that it gives you strength. In my experience it is worth also trying to get the best lawyer you can and then having an explicit conversation about how you can cut costs once you have had the initial advice without dispensing with them. I hope this is the beginning of a new and more freeing period for you. A counsellor is fine if they give you strength. Any more in-depth psychotherapy may be best left until a later date; for now you shave to concentrate on the logistics not the deep and underlying causes and trauma. Amazing strength that you got through the holiday.

OP I am so sorry to hear this.

What a total shit. And that is the understatement of the century.

I hope the counselling goes ok today. If anything it will give you someone to really vent to face to face. Use it as that.

The fact your kids are doing ok is a huge testament to you.

OP I'm so very sorry that you are going through this .

Barlie's post is spot on .

Sending love and strength .xx

I wish I could make it better for you, just take some of this enormity off your mind for a few hours, give you a break.

As PP said, the fact your kids are doing OK is a testament to what a great mum you are. That may be something you can hold onto while everything else seems to shift and slide around.

Classic tactic to drip feed bits of information - it protects the cheater's ego, but it's torture to the person who's been lied to and cheated on. It feels like you cannot trust anything they say, as every time you think you've got to the bottom of it, there's another layer of lies and you're left asking, "Where does it end? Will I ever get the whole truth?"

These are the darkest days, but they won't last forever. This too shall pass.

Was this past scheming to have naughty fun time with OW or future scheming to keep you dangling until the timing was right for him to leave with as little impact as possible for them both?

@manipulatrice I haven't posted much on your thread but I want you to know I am a few months ahead of you and it WILL get better, I promise. My ex didn't cheat (well, I think he probably did but that's not what caused our separation). I found out by accident that he was sharing pictures of me online with other men. I then went through many weeks of drip feeding and uncovering more and more. That period was absolute hell. He moved out about 8 weeks after I found out. During those 8 weeks we talked a lot, and every time I ended up more and more upset. Since he left I feel better. I have counselling too, it definitely does help. Please PM me if you need support.

That's awful.
Did you report him to the police?

I'm pleased you have accessed help to move on.

Of course you're not OK.....none of what he has done is OK and he's thrown a grenade into your life. But you will be OK, not right now or even in the short term as you navigate through this and embark on a new stage of your life but further on down the road you will be alright, more than alright.... you'll be great. I promise.

I agree with a PP that the chats with him now need to stop. You're not a partnership, you're not a team that can work this out together. You now need to protect yourself and work out what is in the best interests of you and your children. He can't help you with this, he needs to worry about himself and you need to concentrate on you and looking after yourself so that you can look after the DC.

We're all here offering virtual support. A lot of us have been through similar and are now out the other side and much stronger and happier for it. You will be the same one day.

Back to work tonight for me. Sleep is shit and I still can't eat.
When I was putting some washing away earlier I saw the outfit he wore for her (because he sent me a mirror pic asking if he looked ok, rat) and I cut a hole in the crotch of the trousers and cut up the top and hung it back up for him.
Petty I know. Couldn't stop myself.

My boss has text several times to see how I am and to say they can't wait to have me back and I have their full support. Anxious to see people as I realised since I've returned I haven't seen anyone, but looking forward to the distraction.

Eldest had access to a counsellor at school today, he's just told me about how good it was to talk to a third party, so I am pleased for him and hope it really helps him process too.

Getting back to 'the routine' can be a good thing, and especially since it sounds like you're going back to a supportive environment.

The first thing that 'goes' for me in stress is also my 'digestive system'. It really sucks since we need sustenance to keep up our emotional as well as physical strength. At this point eat anything that sounds good when it sounds good. For me it's usually mashed potatoes and 7-up or carbonated water. But if chocolate cake sounded good, I'd nibble on it. I've also found that nutrition drinks (Ensure, Boost) can go 'down and stay down'. My eldest son was almost killed in a hit and run in April (he's recovering nicely) and I lived on Ensure and mashed potatoes for a month. At any rate, just try to get a little something down each day.

Remember your eldest when you see a counselor of your own. It IS good to talk to a 3rd party.

I know it's not right for me to applaud an act of 'clothing vandalism', but you know what? Bully for you!!!!!

Glad you told your boss etc and that they're being understanding . When I can't eat much I have smoothies, rich tea biscuits with dairylea, toast and cereal. Take your night shift hour by hour. Be kind to yourself. My Mum said to me ( when I was 20) even if you can't sleep, your body is still getting a rest as you're lying down. Sending you virtual hugs 🫂 In a year 's time, you'll be so much happier without him. I chortled when I read what you did to his trousers. You go girl! Xx

Found the mistake I made! X

Sorry wrong thread!!!!

Hopefully getting back to work will be a distraction, I’m so pleased they are supportive of you. Really good that your eldest has spoken to someone x

Your behaviour during all this is exemplary: getting your eldest counselling; being honest about your feelings of anger; letting people know what is going on rather than hiding - after all, you have nothing to be ashamed of, but a lot of us would behave as though we did if we were in your shoes. Proud of you.