On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

I think it’s perfectly understandable the Op is considering forgiving him. It’s an option and one that Op has to process herself. However it’s got to be remembered that he is the other half of the relationship. He might not want it to continue.
Thats the real kicker.
Its one thing to cheat but another to leave your partner knowing you terminally
hurt them and the relationship destroyed by your actions. He might not have the balls to carry on having that to overcome. So much easier to just turn and run.

In the end this may be the best for you both. As long as you really get to grips that it was his failings and not you. If he was unhappy he could have told you. If he wanted someone else he could have ended your relationship before seeking a new one. Stay strong Op. He is the loser in all senses.

Quite right.
You take your time.
There is no rush.
You don't have to make his life easy for him.
Think it through and make the best decision for you and your children.

You're explaining yourself very well.

From being in your shoes in the past, it wasn't the sex that bothered me. If he'd had a quick wham, bang, thank you ma'am, it wouldn't have been so hurtful. It was the sharing of his love and care, that was meant to be only for me; it was the disrespectful lying to my face (I could imagine them laughing behind my back at how they'd fooled me), it was the breach of trust, it was the gaslighting when I confronted him. All of that stabbed through me worse than the thought of where his dick had been.

Keep your chin up. The Teams chat is your call. Maybe if you don't feel up to it you could download it and then when you're feeling stronger, look at it if you still want to.

Yup. That's exactly how I feel.

Absolutely agree, it’s the emotional investment rather than the physical act that hurts the most. The energy he spent on this relationship that he should have been using on your marriage.

Any decision you make has to be yours. We can all state what we would do and our life experiences but that’s our lives and not yours. Equally your emotions will continue to be a rollercoaster and what you decide one minute may still change. It could be that you need space and time to decide.

Me personally, I would need to read the chat.

He can feel as sorry for himself as he likes, his actions caused this, you are the only one who deserves any sympathy.

Hope the last few days of your holiday are ok. X

A long-term ex of mine cheated (many years ago) and the fact that he’d nurtured a relationship with this woman to the point that she broke up with her boyfriend absolutely broke me. I became obsessed with wondering wtf they had talked about and how he had explained me away and out of his life to suit his needs. I had been the idiot supporting him too. Fucker. He admitted that he had used money from me to “date” her. What a grub. Meanwhile, he’s equally likely to have treated her as badly if his head was turned. Still, it took me many years to let anyone else in.

Once again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through! I've been there and have 3 children and it hurts like fuc.!!! I have no family nearby ( and my Mum died when I was 20) so could speak only to my best friend about it. Please remember whatever you do, put yourself and the kids 1st. You WILL get through this.!! Get a big hug from your Mum etc. Take care 🙂 🤗

I completely understand about reading the teams chat. I am the type of person that would need to read this, however horrible it was. Because I need to know things. The truth may hurt, but its a hell of a lot less painful than the lies. I'd need to know the tone, what is being said and when. If I didn't, i'd forever be imaging what was on it, and I'd imagine the absolutele worst. So I get that completely. Some people would prefer not to know and thats fine, and neither are wrong.

You are calling all the shots now. Remember that. He is all out of shot calling. You get to choose if you read that, if you dig further or if you leave it alone for a bit or forever or if you read it further down the line even. Just make it clear to him he can't delete it. Unless you say so. You may not choose to read it right away, but it needs to be untouched should you decide to, because once he deletes it, if you're anything like me, you'll be running every available scenario in your head and you'll never be able to stop, as there will be no closure on any of the actual facts, just heresay and your imagination.

You're doing great OP.
Your DC are very lucky to have you as their mum.

I’m pleased you’re taking time to consider the options OP. My OH had an affair over thirty years ago but we stuck together and are now happily retired. It doesn’t have to be the end, but it does take a certain personality to be able to move on and not (ever) throw it back in someone’s face.

OP whatever you decide to do take your time.

Have a safe trip home and surround yourself in the warmth of your family and friends.

Good for you lovely. You're doing exactly the right thing. Glad he's got a feeling of dread, keep him wondering. You're in the driving seat.

If you don't want to wait, Teams is cloud based and can be logged into from anywhere.

If it were me I'd want to know now, but I'm a very impatient person, and not everyone is. Whatever works for you.

Would someone please explain this "teams chat" to me? Is this something he has done since the OP found out or was this chat made during the affair?

Sorry all, but I am a bit confused, even though I have read all of OP's posts.

I wouldn't set much store in the Teams chat. If he has any sense he will have logged in remotely or on his phone and deleted it all, or certain bits, especially if it was on a work Teams account. MS keep deleted messages for a period of time, but restoring it would involve the administrators at work which wouldn't be fun (who can aread Teams chat messages btw). They may even routinely back up Teams chat messages (we do at work) so, if you've told his work about it, they will be able to restore anything he's deleted. I really hope it wasn't on a work Teams chat as they have been really foolish if so. Or maybe that kept it sanitised and that why he's offering to show you it.

Either way everyone I know that uses Teams has access to it on their phones.

Could the OW delete the teams chat?

she could certainly delete her responses, and would be very unlikely not to have done so already.

Sorry, couldn't even look at the cheating scumbag again if my partner was ever unfaithful. I couldn't come back from that. You think you know someone... Lies, deception, the person who's meant to love you the most, treating you the absolute worst. Like a fucking mug. Best of luck anyway.

Hope you are OK OP. I am guessing you are back in the UK and hopefully getting support from friends and family. Now you can plan, seek legal advice and get your ducks in a row.

We are leaving in the next 24 hours. I haven't slept the last few days, I guess it's that impending feeling of doom and dread for being back in reality setting in.

I haven't been able to look at him for days. It's all tense and shit and then rainbows and sunshine for the little one. So fake, just like my life it would seem.

@manipulatrice

Believe me, it gets better. your life isn't fake - he is.

OP, your resilience through this is amazing. Remember for the future: you got through this and you'll get through more. Massive hugs to you and your DC x

Get home, get unpacked and 'settled in'. Then take a deep breath and start to plot your own course. Your way will become clear to you it really will.

Sending you love and huge hugs, OP. One day at a time. xo

Best of luck to you for the journey home.

You are doing so much better than you think.

You're right, you don't need to make ANY binding decisions right now, it's just about putting one foot in front of the other, minute to minute, doing whatever you need to get by.