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TRIGGER WARNING Past is killing me today

165 replies

Flowerss · 24/05/2023 21:45

I’ve name changed for this. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy or anything really I just need to write this out.
I’m late 20s married with two young kids, very happy. Kids were very much wanted and tried for for a long time after miscarriages and they’re my world. But I had a child in my teens which no one in my life knows about, I mean not one single person. I’ve buried it deep over the years, even when I was having my other two children. But today my child is the same age I was when they were born and it’s just floored me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels as raw and awful as if it just happened today and obviously I can’t talk to any of my family or friends. I’ve pretended I’ve got a migraine and gone to bed. I’m hoping that once the day is over I can bury it again and move on tomorrow but right now I just keep going over everything that happened that day. I want to talk about it and thought about phoning the Samaritans or something but I don’t want anyone in the house to hear me so I’ve come on here.
Thanks in advance for reading.

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Purplefoalfoot · 24/05/2023 21:46

That sounds very difficult OP. What happened to your first child?

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pennypingletonpenny · 24/05/2023 21:48

Oh wow that must be so hard. Even your partner doesn’t know that you had a child before having the two children you have now? How did you manage to keep it a secret?

Hope you’re ok.

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Crabacus · 24/05/2023 21:50

You must have been very very young when you had your child if you are late twenties now. What happened, are you able to talk about it?

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fruitypancake · 24/05/2023 22:00

That sounds tough OP.. could you seek some therapy so that you are able to process that time in your life ?

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Flowerss · 24/05/2023 22:07

Thank you for the replies. Yes I would like to talk about it but I’m not really sure how to.
I was 14 and just pretended it wasn’t happening. I went away for the night and pretended I was staying with a friend and left the baby somewhere, I don’t want to give too many details, and waited to make sure it was found.
This is so different to my persona with family and friends, I can’t really believe it happened myself.

OP posts:

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Flowerss · 24/05/2023 22:08

@fruitypancake I would really love to but I’ve never told anyone in real life about this before and I really don’t know if I ever could now.

OP posts:

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IAteAllTheTomatoes · 24/05/2023 22:09

That sounds really difficult. You can talk about it here, plenty of us will listen if it helps you in anyway.

Internalising it must be difficult - it's nothing to be ashamed off. Why do you feel you have to bury these feelings? You are allowed to feel however you want.

Would you consider counselling as it will give you an opportunity to discuss it clearly?

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Kitkattt · 24/05/2023 22:11

Oh you poor thing. This is so sad. You were a child.
Talking to someone in real life may be super hard but you’ve come on here and that’s a start for you.

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BadBarry · 24/05/2023 22:13

Op I can't imagine how heavy carrying that must be, I wish I could give you now and 14 year old you a big cuddle.

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IAteAllTheTomatoes · 24/05/2023 22:14

Just saw you were 14, you poor thing, you were just a child yourself. I can't imagine how frightened you must have been.

The fact you waited to may sure someone found the baby says it all - a decent caring young girl, just doing the best you could at the time. Go easy on yourself, you were young and alone.

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SugarNspices · 24/05/2023 22:15

Oh that must of been so terrifying as a 14 year old giving birth alone and being in pain and so scared. I'm so sorry you have had to live with this in silence. Just talking on here is a start, it must be so hard to hold it on all this time.

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RabbitRabbitRabbitHouse · 24/05/2023 22:19

That must have been terrifying for you OP as a child yourself. I have no advice for you, just to say I'm sure it's not only me that is going to say talk to us here on mumsnet and we will listen

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Atethehalloweenchocs · 24/05/2023 22:20

This is a big burden you have been carrying. Have you thought about counselling? Somewhere very private where there would be no come back afterwards.

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Cinnamope · 24/05/2023 22:20

You were a child, a scared child. I’m sorry that happened to you. Could you seek counselling to help you come to terms with it?

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WallaceinAnderland · 24/05/2023 22:22

Of course you can talk about it here.

You were a child, nothing you did was wrong.

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Motnight · 24/05/2023 22:25

Oh Op, you must have been so scared.

I don't think that you can continue to bury this. Please talk to someone.

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Flowerss · 24/05/2023 22:26

I wasn’t expecting replies like this, thank you so much.
Thank you for allowing me to talk, just typing out that it even happened seems like a massive step. I’ve buried the feelings because it was the easiest way to deal with it. Really it was stupid to have even been sexually active so young and I definitely wasn’t emotionally mature enough to be a mum. I think I’ve completely blocked out chunks of the day but I remember a lot of it so clearly.

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LeMoo · 24/05/2023 22:28

I feel so much for you, how terrifying that must have been. You were so young, that night must have been so frightening. I can't imagine how hard its been to carry this alone for so long. X

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Twatalert · 24/05/2023 22:31

Oh gosh OP, I can't imagine how hard it is. It wasn't your fault, you were just a child yourself. I'm hoping you can somehow continue to live with it with some peace and that your first child is well.

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SugarNspices · 24/05/2023 22:32

Don't feel pressured to talk, just opening up to strangers anonymously is a massive step in itself to hopefully begin a process to heal.

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Cookingin80days · 24/05/2023 22:32

OP have you considered counselling? Perhaps this can give you the strength to explore your feelings around this and also to end the secrecy. Your children eventually deserve to know they have another sibling in existence and Even your partner. He may be shocked at first that you didn’t tell him but no doubt he will sympathise also and give support.

As the best friend of a childhood friend who was adopted, I seen how rough it was for her to this day and she struggles with not understanding why her mum gave her up as it was the 80s as opposed to say the 60s where unmarried mums were basically forded to give up kids.

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Cookingin80days · 24/05/2023 22:35

Ugh hit send by accident…I was basically saying that in the future you might even consider writing a letter for your child to know your reasons and this might help both them and you. That’s not to say they aren’t having a wonderful life anyway - as they might well be, but I know a lot of adoptees do struggle with sense of abandonment no matter how good their new families are. And understanding reasons why they were given up can help a lot and be healing on both sides.

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Twatalert · 24/05/2023 22:37

@Cookingin80days may I point out that your reply is well meaning but a bit insensitive.

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SugarNspices · 24/05/2023 22:38

Agreed too much too soon @Cookingin80days

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Dragonsandcats · 24/05/2023 22:39

im so sorry, that must have been terrifying for you. I hope you find someone you can talk to.

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