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Original poster

*TRIGGER WARNING* Past is killing me today

165 replies

Flowerss · 24/05/2023 21:45

I’ve name changed for this. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy or anything really I just need to write this out.
I’m late 20s married with two young kids, very happy. Kids were very much wanted and tried for for a long time after miscarriages and they’re my world. But I had a child in my teens which no one in my life knows about, I mean not one single person. I’ve buried it deep over the years, even when I was having my other two children. But today my child is the same age I was when they were born and it’s just floored me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels as raw and awful as if it just happened today and obviously I can’t talk to any of my family or friends. I’ve pretended I’ve got a migraine and gone to bed. I’m hoping that once the day is over I can bury it again and move on tomorrow but right now I just keep going over everything that happened that day. I want to talk about it and thought about phoning the Samaritans or something but I don’t want anyone in the house to hear me so I’ve come on here.
Thanks in advance for reading.

OP posts:
MumLass · 26/05/2023 10:47

@Flowerss how are you today? I keep thinking about you. You were so brave but keeping this all inside for so long must be so hard. I hope you get to a point where you can talk to someone in real life. Only you can decide when and if you get to that point but I think it would do you good.

SlightlyJaded · 26/05/2023 10:54

Thinking of you today and hope you are managing to cope with everything that you must be processing.

Sugarfree23 · 27/05/2023 16:40

@Flowerss How are you today?
Hope you are OK.

LeMoo · 29/05/2023 22:28

@Flowerss I hope you're doing ok

LoonyLois · 30/05/2023 11:41

Hope you’re ok @Flowerss

dinoice · 30/05/2023 21:42

@Flowerss lots of us around Flowers

Original poster
Flowerss · 31/05/2023 14:13

Thank you for all the concern. I really struggled after I last messaged on here but I think I needed to hit rock bottom before I could start building myself back up. I turned my phone off again and spent 4 days laying in bed in the hotel room but I called the Samaritans on Monday night because if I didn’t I think I would’ve just stayed in bed forever. I talked things over a bit with them which did help but I’m still finding it hard to actually say the things that happened out loud, there’s obviously a lot of trauma around the whole thing that I wasn’t even aware of. I got myself up and out yesterday and had a really long walk but I’ve been advised that the next step now is to write down everything that happened to begin being able to process it properly which is what I’m now struggling with. I’m still at the hotel and I don’t want to go back home until I’ve got everything written down because I think that will make things a bit more bearable in terms of then trying to talk to a professional and get back into my old life and routine. Thank you for your comments, it really is helpful to know I can talk freely here.

OP posts:
Twatalert · 31/05/2023 14:52

Oh @Flowerss it is lovely to hear from you and to know that you are doing somewhat ok. But don't take this as any kind of pressure of having to keep updating here.

Hardly anyone will be able to grasp what you went through, but you just being in bed, not able to get up, sounded so familiar with me. It could be a good sign in the sense that your body is taking a break and is starting to recognise or even process what you went through. All my major breakthroughs (different trauma) had periods of just being in bed & not being able to get up or do anything. I'm glad that you did manage to go out after a few days and take it from there.

It must have taken you much courage to speak to the Samaritans about it. I wish you that you'll continue to work up the strength to deal with it all. Also, give your body time to deal with it and listen to it, not just your mind. They both work together and the body is too sending you important signals for what you need. Like so many here I am completelt out of my depth with your situation, but I have dealt with much trauma and healing and these are just a few thoughts I wanted to share with you.

Sugarfree23 · 31/05/2023 15:01

@Flowerss Have you told your DH? I don't mean to put pressure on you but he must be so worried about you.

Have you been in touch with your GP they might be able to get to access to a councilor or at least help you get some medication to help you over this hump.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 31/05/2023 15:47

At the risk of repeating myself and many others.

You were a child at the time, dealing with things in the only way you knew how at the time. Please go easy on yourself and be gentle to that 14 year old inside you. You were dealing with far more than you ever should have had to. Allow yourself to acknowledge that.

You did so many things right & well beyond what could have been reasonably expected of you at that tender age. You took care of yourself and the baby during the pregnancy. You ensured the baby was found.

What you do next is up to you but sending you best wishes and hopes that you are treated with the compassion you truly deserve, including treating yourself kindly. I strongly suspect you will be if you choose to talk about it.

If you can, let your husband know you are OK- he must be worried. No more than that if you can't but just let him know you are OK.

Rainbowsandfairies · 31/05/2023 17:23

Sending you lots of virtual 🫂 🤗

LeMoo · 31/05/2023 21:33

Twatalert · 31/05/2023 14:52

Oh @Flowerss it is lovely to hear from you and to know that you are doing somewhat ok. But don't take this as any kind of pressure of having to keep updating here.

Hardly anyone will be able to grasp what you went through, but you just being in bed, not able to get up, sounded so familiar with me. It could be a good sign in the sense that your body is taking a break and is starting to recognise or even process what you went through. All my major breakthroughs (different trauma) had periods of just being in bed & not being able to get up or do anything. I'm glad that you did manage to go out after a few days and take it from there.

It must have taken you much courage to speak to the Samaritans about it. I wish you that you'll continue to work up the strength to deal with it all. Also, give your body time to deal with it and listen to it, not just your mind. They both work together and the body is too sending you important signals for what you need. Like so many here I am completelt out of my depth with your situation, but I have dealt with much trauma and healing and these are just a few thoughts I wanted to share with you.

This exactly.

Please don't feel pressured to keep posting, I and others were simply concerned - you've been on my mind.

I understand the posters wanting to know if you've told your husband but, tbh, I think that's your business and we should trust that you've taken care of communicating with him appropriately.

Look after yourself, op Flowers

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 31/05/2023 22:34

I’m so glad you came back to his thread, I was worried about you. And if a total stranger is worried your friends and family must be as well.

Please do get in touch, even if just to tell them you are safe.

It will be a long road but you have taken the first hardest steps.

jenny38 · 02/06/2023 08:12

Just wanted to revisit to see how you are managing Op? I think you are incredibly brave starting your journey and hope it brings you peace eventually.

anyolddinosaur · 02/06/2023 16:15

Writing it down will help and if you find it too difficult to speak about it you can show the writing to your therapist or your husband when you are ready to do so.

I hope you can find the strength to return home soon.

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