*TRIGGER WARNING* Past is killing me today

[Flowerss]

I’ve name changed for this. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy or anything really I just need to write this out.
I’m late 20s married with two young kids, very happy. Kids were very much wanted and tried for for a long time after miscarriages and they’re my world. But I had a child in my teens which no one in my life knows about, I mean not one single person. I’ve buried it deep over the years, even when I was having my other two children. But today my child is the same age I was when they were born and it’s just floored me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels as raw and awful as if it just happened today and obviously I can’t talk to any of my family or friends. I’ve pretended I’ve got a migraine and gone to bed. I’m hoping that once the day is over I can bury it again and move on tomorrow but right now I just keep going over everything that happened that day. I want to talk about it and thought about phoning the Samaritans or something but I don’t want anyone in the house to hear me so I’ve come on here.
Thanks in advance for reading.

I think you’re being very brave just writing down your thoughts here.

At 14, as other have said, you were just a child. There will be help for you, when you are ready. This has may be been a first step for you to talking openly. All the very best OP.

i’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for your 14 year old self.

I’m so glad you have talked here, I’m so glad you are going to speak to a therapist.

I hope this brings you some peace and acceptance in your life.

Op I’m so sorry, that sounds like a horribly scary and traumatic experience.

You mention hoping you can bury it again and forget about it one the day passes. Do you think that is possible? I wonder if things like this always always bubble under the surface and affect you.

I think seeking therapy is a great idea. Maybe you would feel it easier to disclose some of this stuff to someone you don’t know first. To have a safe space to openly talk about what happened. You were so young, it is totally understandable that you panicked.

Are you in the UK? I assume if so, and it was only 14 years ago, I don’t imagine it would be that hard to trace your child if you ever wanted to. I assume the local authority where baby was left would have taken them into care and would have records of where they ended up. If you wanted to trace her. it may be that when she is 18 she makes effort to trace you, I can imagine most people would try.

Op I hope you get through the next few days ok and find someone to speak to about your experience. Please be kind to yourself. You were so young.

It can be utterly overwhelming to consider the prospect of seeking therapy or even uttering the truth about a traumatic event anonymously online. The feeling that you're just about managing to keep a lid on things and that by sharing, you open a Pandora's box that you can't close. Starting this thread was an extremely brave step, OP.

You probably feel that at 14 you were "grown up". We probably all feel that way about ourselves when we're in our teens. And perhaps you still view those events through that lens. In reality you were just a child. Imagine another 14 year old experiencing that trauma and how you would feel about that for them now you're an adult. I'm sure you'd feel nothing but a deep sadness and concern for them; no judgement or blame.

When you're ready, there are professionals who can help you but until then, just know that you did nothing wrong and your miscarriages were not a punishment. You were a child and you endured something that even most adults would be unequipped for. You deserve love, comfort and peace. You will receive all of this from the people in your life who truly love and care for you. If that is your husband, don't discount the idea of sharing with him in the future when you feel ready. He could be a lifeline to you.

OP, you gave birth alone at 14. You made sure the baby was safe and found.

I am extremely proud of 14 year old you, you did the best you could in that situation.

Sorry OP 💐 sounds like you were in an impossible situation.

@Flowerss I'm so sorry this happened to you. I cannot begin to imagine what you went through all alone then and since.

I want to tell you that I am a professional working with families and hopefully reassure you that no-one I work with would feel anything but compassion for you and your 14 year old self.
Absolutely no judgment.

Apologies if this has already been said as I have only read your replies but there are organisations who work therapeutically with parents who don't have their children in their care for lots of reasons and they might be a good place to start. I'd have a google about services in your area.

Please do speak to someone as although you've mostly managed to shut that box and not let this in to the here and now, it will have/be having an impact on you and you deserve the chance to release that and get some help to process this.

You poor thing going through this alone

I'm sorry you had to go through something so traumatic alone.

If you wish your child to be able to find you, should they choose to do so you can add yourself to the adoption contact register https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register You do have to state your relationship to the adopted person but I dont know how they would tell if you lied.

Adoptees increasingly use DNA testing to find information on relatives, even adoptees who dont wish to make contact. You dont necessarily have had to have a DNA test yourself, although if you tested on ancestry that would help if someone ever wanted to find you. Any close relative testing will mean there is a chance you could be traced. If you have sisters it would be difficult to identify which of you was the parent and your age means older sisters might be suspected first. It's also possible they could find you via the father. If you didnt tell him he could discover he is a father via this route.

When adoption goes well children may not wish to find their origin for many years but some decide to do so when they have a child themselves or when an adoptive parent dies. This may not be a secret you can keep forever and I'd encourage you to think about when to tell those closest to you. .

I have a memory of something like this happening recently around our area - the message was very much that they were worried about the mum's safety and I think that would be the same now - no-one would blame a young teen for not knowing what to do.

Please please do speak to someone. It isn't too late, or too soon.

I really feel for you doing this alone and bearing this burden.

At the tender age of 14, you acted on pure animal instinct and with mind blowing courage.
It is sad, but entirely understandable that you couldn’t tell anybody at the time. And the disassociation which was also a natural instinctive process to protect yourself, has served you well and enabled you to move on in life naturally.
Until now, when this birthday has suddenly and unexpectedly opened the floodgate for you……a natural process that was always going to happen at some time in some way. This is the right time to let it emerge, look at it properly and confide in others. You deserve the best help to do this.
Don’t lose courage now OP. You have reached out to others on here which is a good first step. So many kind words will help you realise there is no shame in what you did as a child. You will also realise that you now finally deserve to unburden yourself, whenever you are ready, in the way you feel best for you all.
Keep listening to your instincts and take your time to feel your way through this. It’s a fine balance now you have a family to think about as well as yourself.

OP you are the same age as my eldest. I cannot imagine how you must have been alone and how you suffered physically and emotionally. I can imagine that you mist have been neglected and therapy will unravel a multitude of layers that allow you to come to terms with all.manner of things not least that this was not your fault alone.

What I can't fathom is how this didn't come to the fore when you had your miscarriages/second child. I always though that a midwife/obstetrician could tell if a woman had had a baby previously. Having said that if it was midwife only care, perhaps not thinking about the inadequacy of some of mine. The questions at the booking in appointments for you must have been excruciating.

Big hugs and love to you OP. As a mother of a teenage daughter I find it very saddening that you went through such a thing alone - at 14 years old, you were a child, really, a child. You did an extraordinary thing, giving birth alone. It sounds extremely traumatic. And yet somehow you managed to keep going and have built a life for yourself. Perhaps you are ready to start to accept and heal some of the sadness that is usually blocked out? I agree that you should seek out a therapist who can help guide you through your feelings and advise on what to do. I’m often on mumsnet to while away a few minutes but hearing your story now and the reactions and support given, I think - what a powerful community to have access to. I hope you feel held by us all xx

What a terrible thing to happen. You were just a child yourself. It's so sad there wasn't anyone you felt you could talk to at the time.

I had a teen pregnancy, I have severe trauma/ptsd around the whole situation. Mine had a different but also traumatic conclusion. I’ve had therapy for years which although helps to talk about it and be told none of it was my fault I still get feelings like you when my children reach a certain age. Particularly my daughters.

I wish I could tell you something that will help I really do. There are sadly going to be these awful days where you feel suffocated by the trauma and memories . Can you go somewhere quiet to just sit and be and let it wash over you till it fades a bit ? I try finding to battle through and fight it just makes it worse.

Im so sorry you went through this

I can only sympathise. It was an incredible ordeal to go through.

There is a book that deals with similar link It isn’t a great book but it might help you process what you are feeling. But it also might be too raw.

I am going to urge you to speak to a counsellor and consider telling people in real life. My mum kept a similar secret, thinking to protect us, but all it did was eat her up. Secrets really are corrosive, even if just to the person keeping the secret.

It isn’t going to be an easy path but on you do have to travel down.

Talking to a theraptherapist is a great idea imo.

You might me surprised about how many other people also harbour secrets and or untreated trauma.
And some of them keep that down for their entire lives. It usually comes out towards the end. Surprises their families and it often can't be addressed anymore due to mental decline/dementia. It's often genuinely horrifying to watch.

I am not sure I should mention thd above tbh. If this is too blunt, I'll have mumsnet delete it. I just wanted to say that I would strongly recommend therapy. Even if you can push it down again for the next few years.

Anyhow. Apart from this:
You were a child! You gave birth to your baby and made sure the child was save. Despite having no support whatsoever. That is more than some adult women manage! It is a tremendous accomplishment and something to be proud of (if you want to).

I am very sorry you have to go through this alone. Maybe there is a way of finding out what happened to the child (after therapy etc). Depends on where you left her to be found, I think.

Please be kind to yourself. 💐

Op be kind to yourself.

You were only 14, possibly just 13 when you had intercourse. 2-3 years before you could legally consent to that happening.

You could speak with police over statutory rape. People are much more aware of grooming, and abuse than ever before.

With regards to your baby, do you want to see the child, or have any update on their progress.
They will have been taken care of by the social work dept and probably adopted from there.

That compassion and protectiveness you feel towards the 14 year old you gave birth to? That’s what everyone feels towards 14 year old you.

It makes a lot of sense that their 14th birthday has been deeply triggering, as you think of them now at the age you were when you gave birth. I think taking therapy could help you a lot.

Oh my god, poor girl! 14, still a baby, having to go through this all by yourself... really hope you will find some support and help. Big hug xxx

Hi Flowerss,
Apologies for intruding on your thread, but we just wanted to confirm that while we never can say 100% that a poster is telling the truth, we have looked into the background and are content to let this thread continue as this poster has been with us a few years now. (Hope you don't mind us saying that, Flowerss). We're ever-grateful to those who reported and encouraged us to have a look.
We wish you peace and healing, Flowerss. 💐

I am another person here to say that as a 14 year old, and now as a grown woman you are a brave, good person who did not deserve the pain and trauma you experienced. You went through the most difficult and distressing thing. Please seek some support in whatever way you feel most comfortable. Sending you all of my good thoughts.

@Flowerss I'm really worried about this thread being picked up by media or someone speculating on which 'abandoned baby' story might relate to you. Maybe ask MNHQ to remove the post where you mention your age at the time. From that. putting 2 & 2 together makes it easy to figure out when you went through this. Sending hugs.

You were a poor precious child. It wasn't your fault. I see you as a victim of the circumstances that led to this.
It sounds like you have been let down by the adults around you.
Be kind to yourself and hug that inner 14 year old . All the very best to you xxx

I agree.

@Flowerss

Please be careful. And yes, asking mnhq to remove the post where you state your current age is a good idea.

That way nobody can count back to the exact date this happened / a baby was found.