*TRIGGER WARNING* Past is killing me today

[Flowerss]

I’ve name changed for this. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy or anything really I just need to write this out.
I’m late 20s married with two young kids, very happy. Kids were very much wanted and tried for for a long time after miscarriages and they’re my world. But I had a child in my teens which no one in my life knows about, I mean not one single person. I’ve buried it deep over the years, even when I was having my other two children. But today my child is the same age I was when they were born and it’s just floored me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels as raw and awful as if it just happened today and obviously I can’t talk to any of my family or friends. I’ve pretended I’ve got a migraine and gone to bed. I’m hoping that once the day is over I can bury it again and move on tomorrow but right now I just keep going over everything that happened that day. I want to talk about it and thought about phoning the Samaritans or something but I don’t want anyone in the house to hear me so I’ve come on here.
Thanks in advance for reading.

You poor poor thing. You were just a child. You made sure your child was found (and honestly, in the circumstances you describe, I could even understand you just leaving in panic). You did the very best you could given the deep trauma you were suffering.

Could you get counselling - actually say it to a trusted professional in real life? As you say, the Samaritans might be a good place to start - you will at least be able to tell your story out loud to another human being.

I am the child of a young teenage mother and was born in a mother and baby home. I am so glad she did the best for me that she could - give birth and got me to someone safe - just like you did.

Most Irish women will remember the Ann Lovett death in Ireland. I am so glad that you and your baby survived. I can't imagine anyone judging you for what you did - just wishing you hadn't had to go through it. Mind yourself.

Oh you poor love. You weren’t stupid and it wasn’t your fault.
What kind of relationship do you have with your parents now? Do you think you could tell them, or another family member?
I understand why you are reluctant to tell your partner, it’s so much to take in.
Did you get any medical support at all? I can’t begin to imagine how scared you must have been. I understand completely why you just buried this away.

My heart breaks for you reading this OP. Well done for being able to talk about it on here.

OP I have teenage daughters, one has just turned 16, the other 18. The thought of either of them going through this, all alone, it makes me catch my breath.
I am so sorry you suffered like this. I am so sorry that you haven’t felt able to tell anyone.
You could contact the police in the area. They could advise you on what help might be available now, it it is possible that your child may try to trace you when he or she turns 18, and you could leave your details in case this happens.
It really sounds as though you went into a state of shock, and have remained traumatised. You could do with some help and support with this, maybe your GP if you have a nice one.
Do you think you could start with telling your husband ? You know now that you are a bit older, how you were very, very young then. A child. I hope that you can see that you didn’t do anything wrong, you were just too young to know what to do.

I'm so sorry. I remember what it is like to be 14. The mix of magical thinking, childish thoughts and fear. You must have been so scared. I'm so glad you have started to open up. A good therapist can gently help you begin to explore what happened to you

I think you can email the samaritans? That is also an option OP.

Just open up when you feel like you can, at your own pace, as you are doing now. I also know someone who had a child when younger and has only told two people ever. She is pretty much at peace with it all now.

You gave the sacred gift of life to another human, and although you could not look after them yourself, you made sure someone else found that tiny human.

My feeling is that you did nothing wrong - you did the best you could for that child even though you were a child yourself.

Just wanted to say that there is a charity called Family Matters who have some information around this you might want to look at:

https://www.familyconnect.org.uk/found-babies-or-foundlings/

They also offer counselling to women who have to give their babies up, it might be a start if you wanted to begin to explore your options. You are incredibly brave, you deserve help to process what you went through.

Sorry didn't realise that link has a massive picture too.

Thank you for the link that is really helpful. I really thought I had made peace with it because even when I was having my other two children it only really crossed my mind quite briefly, in that my other two labours were very quick and I remember thinking of how relentlessly long the first one was and thinking the baby was never going to come out. I think of them on their birthday every year, I remember the exact time and date, but again it’s only really briefly, like my mind knows it happened but it’s in the past. It feels so strange to me that this particular birthday, because they’re now the age I was, has hit me like this and all I want to do is find them and tell them how sorry I am and never let them go again. Reasoning makes me think it’ll pass in a day or two and I’ll be able to bury it again, but it’s never felt this raw before so I really don’t know.
I have a great relationship with my dad and he’d be absolutely heartbroken to know I couldn’t tell him this, I’m not so close with my mum and I’m not really sure what her reaction would be now, it would definitely have been nothing but anger at the time.

This post says it far more eloquently than I could.

It's interesting that some posters have to lay their own beliefs over this.

How ever it turned out, it is not the OPs fault. The idea that she did it the "right way" because she waited to see if someone saw the baby is a huge judgement. Even if she didn't, she was a traumatised child, most adults would have a hard time dealing with birthing alone.

@Flowerss - I'm so sorry this has surfaced today. It completely makes sense that you dissociated from what happened, or was just too big an event to process. Thank goodness you survived, and recovered physically.

I think you need a proper therapist or psychologist. If you go to your GP, you don't have to outline the exact issue, you can say that your had a life changing event at 14, which you've carried secretly all this time, and has suddenly surfaced. Explain how you're feeling now, and that you feel that you need real help, but not safe to describe to them what happened.

Obviously it's up to you, but I wouldn't go searching for information on the baby until you have a proper support in place. If it is in the papers, the way it's written up might be distressing, just reading it might make it another level of real, iyswim, and until you've started unpacking all the details/ how you feel, it might be just overwhelming.

Without going into detail, I had a similar (but very different) issue going back to the same age, and I finally wanted to go back and see what I could find, and was unprepared for the impact. Obviously you're a different person, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.

Take care, don't feel you have to fix all this, today, at all, just go one step at a time.

Consider, though, you've another 80 years ahead of you. It might be sensible to start dealing with this in some small way, so it doesn't lurk and cause you decades of distress.

I hope for your sake that you do find someone to talk to in rl. Even if they aren’t able to help you to find your lost child I think talking about it will help you to unbottle the pain and sadness you have been holding inside yourself.

I also hope that in the future you are able to trace what happened to your child, not just for you but for your child. I used to know someone whose poor mother must have given birth in similar circumstances because he was a foundling baby, he was deeply sad about it, and would have loved nothing more than to have had some information about his origins. I think he just wanted to know that there were people In the world who he was related to apart from his own children.

Goodness, enough with the stories about adopted children and the sadness! Today, this is about Flowerss. FFS.

How ever it turned out, it is not the OPs fault. The idea that she did it the "right way" because she waited to see if someone saw the baby is a huge judgement. Even if she didn't, she was a traumatised child, most adults would have a hard time dealing with birthing alone.

Of course. But the reality is that the OP DID wait to see if someone saw the baby. We aren't judging her we are commending her and admiring her for what she did as a terribly traumatised 14 year old. If she hadn't done it, no judgement here but she did- even after all she went through.

OP, I agree with a previous poster. Don't go looking for your child or dna stuff etc until you have actually dealt a bit with what happened you. Deal with yourself first. you went through something awful.

@Flowerss

I'm an adopted child. Although the circumstances of my adoption are very different from your situation, I just want you to know that I am profoundly grateful to my birth mother for her decision. It was the right thing for her to do. I was adopted and raised by two loving parents who gave me a wonderful upbringing full of love, joy, and a wonderful extended family. There are many more stories like mine and I'm sure your baby's is one of them and your child is thankful to you for the life they have now.

You may not have been in the right frame of mind to surrender your child 'personally', but you made the decision that felt right for you at the time and you waited until your child was safe. Those were the actions of a loving and caring person. You may never get the answers you seek, but try to find peace in the fact that you did what you could in hopes of a better life for your child.

Have you ever considered seeing a counselor? Perhaps you'd be able to speak about this to a nonjudgmental professional who is legally bound to keep your confidence. You deserve to drop this weight you are carrying and life your life free from it.

I feel so guilty because I can’t imagine not knowing where I came from, so I can’t imagine how that must make my child feel. I also think crazy things like, realistically I have no idea of my child is even still alive. What if they got a disease or were hit by a car. And thoughts like that make me want to bury it again because honestly I’d rather not know.
I sort of moved on from it and told myself I was being stupid but a few years ago when I was going through miscarriages when trying for a child I felt like that was some kind of punishment and maybe I’d caused myself damage from giving birth with no medical information. I remember being on the train and not being on there very long when I thought I could feel the baby coming and going into the toilet where I spent the rest of the journey holding myself and trying not to push anything out then when I got to somewhere where I was alone I was just pushing and pushing because I could feel it and I thought that was all I needed to do. Now I’ve had labours with medical assistance I know it’s not as simple as that and I wasn’t doing things right which is probably why the baby didn’t come for hours. Sorry if this is all too much information and weird. The birth itself was hugely traumatic and it’s only today I’ve really started thinking about it again. It’s kind of a blur but I know it was at least 7 hours from getting there to giving birth and I remember throwing up a lot and there being so much blood and stuff way before the baby came. I think I thought it was going to come out dead because I’d been able to feel it coming for so long but it wasn’t actually coming out. Sorry for just spilling this all out. I really do appreciate all the supportive messages it’s actually all quite overwhelming.

My instant thought is to wonder if your DH is a decent bloke. If my husband told me this with a best of a warm up I would instantly be shocked they'd never told me but would 100% come round and support him.
He might react surprised and maybe a bit hurt at first you never told him. But if he's a decent person he will come around to it.
Do you think that's something you could do?

It goes to say you are completely not to blame and have been very strong.

You're so brave.
Talking to the Samaritans would help

That you need to spill it all out means that you need to speak about it in person with someone. I had an abortion in my twenties and just told everyone about. Random people on train stations as it had to come out. It still can affect me, decades later.

You had to bury it at the time to be able to cope. I don't know if the link above has counsellors specific to this but sounds like it might. Sending you love and hoping you can begin to deal with it in real life. Also as others have said, it's a long term thing so just be good to yourself and don't try and rush the process.

@Simianwalk he is lovely but that’s an overwhelming thought right now

I know of a baby girl left in the london area in the right time frame. If this could be her know she is safe and happy.
Counselling is an amazing resource which is confidential and could really help coming to terms with what happened.
X

@Flowerss - if it helps, all those "crazy thoughts" really resonate with me, and are not crazy. You brain is trying to find ways to cope with the enormity. Almost a bargaining - would it be better if they'd had a short life, than with a difficult adoption situation? What if this happened? What if, what if.. please allow these thoughts to just be. Nothing you're thinking is wrong, but it can scare you.

Meanwhile, you're dealing with what you can remember of the horrifying process itself.

It's 2 out 3 very separate areas, all clamouring at one to be resolved, and there's no one way to deal with it. You may find, though, that this has has opened Pandora's box, and you won't be able to un-feel it easily.

At some point, once you've had a chance to talk through some of it, EMDR might be very helpful with resorting it all back into your brain, not so you can forget about it, but so remembering doesn't panic you. It takes away the rawness, and the fright. It's most commonly used for ptsd.

Keep writing, if it helps.

Not going to help the situation whatsoever.

Through the Internet, you may be able to find more out about your baby & if you feel strong enough in the future, you could contact the authorities. Do you feel that you could tell your husband or a friend? You have carried this secret for so long on your own, I don't know how you coped to carry a baby & give birth alone when you were only a child yourself, you are very brave to have told us your story. If you can't tell family or friends, would you consider talking to a therapist?