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Original poster

*TRIGGER WARNING* Past is killing me today

165 replies

Flowerss · 24/05/2023 21:45

I’ve name changed for this. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy or anything really I just need to write this out.
I’m late 20s married with two young kids, very happy. Kids were very much wanted and tried for for a long time after miscarriages and they’re my world. But I had a child in my teens which no one in my life knows about, I mean not one single person. I’ve buried it deep over the years, even when I was having my other two children. But today my child is the same age I was when they were born and it’s just floored me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels as raw and awful as if it just happened today and obviously I can’t talk to any of my family or friends. I’ve pretended I’ve got a migraine and gone to bed. I’m hoping that once the day is over I can bury it again and move on tomorrow but right now I just keep going over everything that happened that day. I want to talk about it and thought about phoning the Samaritans or something but I don’t want anyone in the house to hear me so I’ve come on here.
Thanks in advance for reading.

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 25/05/2023 10:20

Therapy for sure.
My story isn’t so dissimilar to yours. The circumstances around conception are but same age.
i have had a lot of therapy and finding the right therapist meant I could tell every detail. Then tell my family. It’s not plain sailing. It hurts more before it gets better but it does get better. You learn to live beyond it rather than hiding from it.

lots of love to you.

Purplepinkfairy · 25/05/2023 10:25

Oh how brave of you......wish I could give you a big hug. The child I'm sure went on to have a loving family . Sending You hugs and reassurances.

Original poster
Flowerss · 25/05/2023 11:48

Thanks for confirming I’ve been on the site for a while. Taking some time out today which I don’t know is the right thing or not. I left early and haven’t told anyone where I am. I think I just need to escape for a while.

OP posts:
MumLass · 25/05/2023 12:08

@Flowerss take some time for yourself by all means, but your family will be worried if you have just disappeared and not told them where you are going. Let them know you are safe.
@HopeMumsnet still concerned over the identifiable nature of this thread. Flowerss understandably may not be thinking about that right now but I wonder if you should remove the age mentioned to make it much more anonymous.

SlightlyJaded · 25/05/2023 13:03

Oh Flowerss :(

We can all understand why you were triggered today of all days. And the fact that you've been pushing this huge secret down for so long - and so successfully - might make you think that you can go back to that place.

But having had a completely different secret start to force its way out of me a while back, I think you'll find that Pandora's box is now open for you. That doesn't mean you have to tell anyone or take any steps you don't want to, and you might be able to put it back in the box at some point in the future, but now it's out I think - for your own healing - you need to examine it and decide how you feel, but mostly forgive yourself.

That might be through therapy
It might be through telling someone you know
Or it might be something you can do alone

But I do think that you need to accept that you let it sit with you a while and then think about what you would like to do with your knowledge. Because ahead of you are many triggers to come - milestone birthdays and so on - and for your own sake, it would be good to be ready and at peace to deal with them.

I wish you so much healing. You were just a lost girl who made a completely understandable decision.

Sugarfree23 · 25/05/2023 13:11

@Flowerss
You were only a child who did what you needed to do at the time.

I think you should seek councilling. Because there is a lot of stuff to unravel.

Back in the day abandoned babies would never be able to find the family. But we now live in the world of DNA websites. You cannot be sure that nobody in your family (Gran, Aunties, Cousins etc) isn't registered on one of these websites and the risk that your child could seek you out in a few years time.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 25/05/2023 13:32

You poor, poor, thing. You're right to take time for yourself today, look after yourself. I agree with previous posters, I do think counselling, if you can access it, is the way for you to go. What you went through was traumatic and you need help to come to terms with it.
Flowers

LeMoo · 25/05/2023 15:17

SlightlyJaded · 25/05/2023 13:03

Oh Flowerss :(

We can all understand why you were triggered today of all days. And the fact that you've been pushing this huge secret down for so long - and so successfully - might make you think that you can go back to that place.

But having had a completely different secret start to force its way out of me a while back, I think you'll find that Pandora's box is now open for you. That doesn't mean you have to tell anyone or take any steps you don't want to, and you might be able to put it back in the box at some point in the future, but now it's out I think - for your own healing - you need to examine it and decide how you feel, but mostly forgive yourself.

That might be through therapy
It might be through telling someone you know
Or it might be something you can do alone

But I do think that you need to accept that you let it sit with you a while and then think about what you would like to do with your knowledge. Because ahead of you are many triggers to come - milestone birthdays and so on - and for your own sake, it would be good to be ready and at peace to deal with them.

I wish you so much healing. You were just a lost girl who made a completely understandable decision.

Well said.

My thoughts are really with you today @Flowerss, I think you're doing absolutely the right thing to take some time for yourself. But please - if at any point you feel at risk of harm to yourself please, please tell someone in real life. You don't need to struggle with this alone anymore.

Flowers
GenderCriticalTrumpets · 25/05/2023 18:58

An an adoptee I just wanted to say @Flowerss that I feel nothing but sadness for you and I think you were so brave. Please be kind to yourself x

SpinningCloudNiteClub · 25/05/2023 19:54

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 25/05/2023 18:58

An an adoptee I just wanted to say @Flowerss that I feel nothing but sadness for you and I think you were so brave. Please be kind to yourself x

That was such a kind thing to say.

Thisistheendof · 25/05/2023 20:08

Flowerss
In one of your posts you mention a specific day of the week. Please ask for this to be removed.
Take care

LeMoo · 25/05/2023 20:13

I've been thinking of you all day @Flowerss , I hope you're doing ok this evening Flowers

Original poster
Flowerss · 25/05/2023 22:06

I’m having a bit of time away and have told DH I need a bit of time on my own. I don’t know what I’ll tell him when I get back but I just want to be somewhere where no one knows me for a bit so I can have a proper think about things. Details that I thought I’d blurred out completely have come back to me a bit today just from being alone to focus.
Thank you for the posts warning about giving away too many details, I haven’t been entirely honest, I’ve slightly altered the age I said I was when it happened and the age my child would now be and the day it happened because I didn’t want anything to be traced back. I hope that doesn’t sound like I’ve lied because I really do appreciate being able to talk freely on here, I just know how these threads can be picked up but talking here has been less overwhelming than trying to talk to a real person and give exact details. Everything happened as I said just at a bit of a different time.

OP posts:
MayBeee · 25/05/2023 22:17

You don't have to explain yourself , you take care and give yourself time . Flowers

MumLass · 25/05/2023 22:28

@Flowerss no one thinks you have lied, it’s wise to alert details a bit. Please don’t feel you need to explain, I was just worried for your sake but I’m glad you haven’t given away too much.

LeMoo · 25/05/2023 23:35

No one thinks you're lying, just look after yourself Flowers

Sugarfree23 · 25/05/2023 23:49

Op have you spoken to DH so he knows you are OK, he must be worried about you.

Do you think you could tell him when you get back?

NewShoesForSpring · 26/05/2023 00:12

My god there are some really bloody stupid, insensitive posters on here.

OP my heart is breaking for you & the little girl you were & the horrendous situation you found yourself in. I think you were unthinkably brave to face that alone & I wish you nothing but the best. And I wish I could bundle 14 year (or whatever age) you & protect you.

I think you're amazing

Original poster
Flowerss · 26/05/2023 00:13

I contacted DH earlier this morning to let him know I was safe but that I couldn’t come back at the moment and that I didn’t want him to call me or anything and I’ve had my phone off for the rest of the day. I’ve just been walking around. I’m now in a hotel but I think the night is going to be hard, there’s lots of thoughts going round in my head and a lot of memories and details have resurfaced, stuff I didn’t even know I’d forgotten until I remembered if that makes sense. I sort of want to write it all down exactly as it happened if that makes sense but the thought terrifies me as well. I think some of the things I’d forgotten about had been buried because they didn’t make sense to me, and now I’ve given birth twice as an adult they do. Like I now realise that what happened at school was that I had a show, and that the back pains and cramps probably means I was in labour for two days before I really did anything about it. I don’t want to be weird and just start posting loads of intimate details but there’s a lot of stuff coming back to me now. Another thing that came back to me today was being on the tube (not outing to where I live or where it happened) about a week before it happened and a woman offered me her seat so it must’ve showed.
Yesterday wasn’t my child’s birthday, it was the date that they became the exact age I was when I gave birth to them, as in years months weeks and days.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 26/05/2023 00:32

I'm quiet amazed that none of your family or school staff noticed if a woman on the tube noticed you were pregnant.

Op it really does sound like you need to talk about all of this with someone. I just don't know where you'd find a suitable councillor.

I can't imagine how frightened your 14 yo self must have been.

Sugarfree23 · 26/05/2023 01:09

@Flowerss do you want to talk about your baby, was it a boy or a girl, did you ever see any newspaper reports or anything?

Weallgottachangesometime · 26/05/2023 06:58

@Flowerss i hope you managed to get some rest last night. Sounds like you were really struggling with the memories.

Your partner sounds so concerned for you and supportive? Are they a good person? If so might now be a turning point to share what happened with them. It’s a whole lot to manage on your own. Sounds like you could really do with some real life support.

Totally your decision of course and if it doesn’t feel the right time then that’s fine. Whatever happens today please take care of yourself as much as possible. Xxx

Cinnamope · 26/05/2023 07:44

@Flowerss hope you are doing ok this morning.x

SpringNotSprung · 26/05/2023 08:39

@Flowerss I think you need to make an appointment to see your GP ASAP. You need urgent emotional support. This has been a ticking time bomb for you and I think you need to alert professional services to put support in place to stop you breaking.

It is good you have shared here but we are not professionals and you need to be wrapped with formal support and love at the moment. It will be a question of tiny steps and you may need a professional to help you to disseminate this information to your dh.

YankeeDad · 26/05/2023 09:20

@Flowerss your DH might be worrying that there is something wrong with your relationship, or even that there is another man (or woman) who is the reason for your sudden pulling back.

Assuming that your relationship with him is important to you, it might help to give him some reassurance that this is not the case. For instance, you might tell him that that you are having to deal with some experiences that a close family member of yours had many years in the past, in order to help them seek closure, and that this matter requires your full attention at the moment. Something like that might be close enough to the truth, while also being somewhat reassuring to him, and without revealing anything you may not be ready to reveal.

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