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Original poster

*TRIGGER WARNING* Past is killing me today

165 replies

Flowerss · 24/05/2023 21:45

I’ve name changed for this. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy or anything really I just need to write this out.
I’m late 20s married with two young kids, very happy. Kids were very much wanted and tried for for a long time after miscarriages and they’re my world. But I had a child in my teens which no one in my life knows about, I mean not one single person. I’ve buried it deep over the years, even when I was having my other two children. But today my child is the same age I was when they were born and it’s just floored me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels as raw and awful as if it just happened today and obviously I can’t talk to any of my family or friends. I’ve pretended I’ve got a migraine and gone to bed. I’m hoping that once the day is over I can bury it again and move on tomorrow but right now I just keep going over everything that happened that day. I want to talk about it and thought about phoning the Samaritans or something but I don’t want anyone in the house to hear me so I’ve come on here.
Thanks in advance for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowerss · 25/05/2023 01:07

Writing does help and thank you all for letting me. I remember being petrified it was twins when the pains and the pushing carried on after the baby was born. I was honestly just so clueless! Once I’d left the baby I spent most of the day in a public toilet because I was bleeding and my stomach hurt a lot. I kind of didn’t want to go home because while I was still near to where it happened there was a chance I could go back and sort it out properly. I felt like as soon as I went home it was like shutting the door on that situation and I’d never go back to it which is pretty much what did happen. It was a Sunday so I think I just went home to bed and I think I had the next few days off school because I kept being sick and I had awful pains so easy to think just a stomach bug I guess.

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 25/05/2023 01:09

I think you were a very brave young girl to have gone through what you did.

I do think it is important to get counselling. You don't need to think about telling your husband or family if it's overwhelming. You can't bury this any longer as it will only eat away at you.

Original poster
Flowerss · 25/05/2023 01:11

I think tonight’s teaching me I might need to speak to a therapist. I’m going to wait a few days to see if these feelings all disappear, unlikely I know! Part of me wants to face it because I’m a grown adult now, but thinking about it makes me feel like I’m 14 again and admitting it even happened to anyone in real life seems like more than I could cope with.

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 25/05/2023 01:20

It might be an idea to at least contact Samaritans when you get a chance to start with and go from there. You will find by telling people like you just have, that your preconceptions of how people would react is very different. None of us think you're a monster op. We all think you are very brave.

IntoDeepBlueSea · 25/05/2023 01:25

Agreed, and that the reality of talking out loud is rarely as awful as the apprehension. In my experience, once you have a therapist you trust, it can be difficult to shut up. It's hard work, even if it's worth it.

LifeExperience · 25/05/2023 01:36

As an adopted child, I can assure you that it is very unlikely that your child thinks you are a monster. That child realizes, as I did growing up, that giving up a child so they can have a better life is a profound act of pure, motherly love.

You, as a 14 year old girl, bore the pain of loss so your child would have advantages and opportunities you couldn't give them. That is heroic.

Please forgive yourself. You did a good, loving thing at great cost to yourself under extreme circumstances, and you should be applauded for it.

Howtokeepbreathing · 25/05/2023 01:51

Sending you so much love and compassion. Please be gentle with yourself, and look into getting some support.

The world is an extremely tough place for teenage mothers. I am the daughter of one.

Blipblapblooplala · 25/05/2023 02:09

Flowerss · 25/05/2023 01:11

I think tonight’s teaching me I might need to speak to a therapist. I’m going to wait a few days to see if these feelings all disappear, unlikely I know! Part of me wants to face it because I’m a grown adult now, but thinking about it makes me feel like I’m 14 again and admitting it even happened to anyone in real life seems like more than I could cope with.

I haven't read every single reply to your post but the one thing that sticks out is the fact that you do need to talk to a professional. Just talking to someone who is totally removed from the situation is massively cathartic. Even if they don't have any actions for things that you need to do, just being able to offload and talk in a private space had a massive impact. ♥️

Pallisers · 25/05/2023 02:18

Op, I am an adopted child who knew nothing of my origins for years. My sister still doesn't. It didn't matter at all to us. We were loved.

In all my years on MN you are the poster I most want to hug, want to reassure that you did so well, that you were such a child and shouldn't have had to go through this, want to wish all the good things in your future. I hope you deal with this trauma and realise how strong you were at 14.

I hope you know that every woman - probably mostly mothers - on this thread feels deeply for what you went through, would have loved to have helped you, wishes you well, thinks you deserve all good things.

justgettingthroughtheday · 25/05/2023 02:33

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP. God it must have been so traumatic it's no wonder you have blocked it out.
I think before you do anything else you should talk to a therapist. Making choices about what else you do or who you tell all comes later and with the help of a therapist. Right now you need to look after yourself and most importantly learn how to forgive yourself.
I hope whatever happens you can find some peace with it.

Straightsidedcircle · 25/05/2023 03:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Legoroses · 25/05/2023 03:37

Just want to echo Pallisers - every woman reading this is aching for 14 year old you, awed at your bravery and wishing you every bit of peace and happiness. So much for you as a child to even begin to cope with - you've done amazing.

HerbsandSpices · 25/05/2023 03:51

I'm glad you're thinking about speaking to a therapist. They can be someone safe to share with before you consider if you want to share with anyone closer to you.

I know you said you might wait a few days to see if this passes but please consider that this may come up for you again when your own children hit 14. Especially if any of them is a daughter. This is such a huge trauma to carry alone. I hope you will speak to someone.

ThreeLocusts · 25/05/2023 04:34

OP my daughters are 13 and 15 and the thought of either of them being in the situation you were in at 14 is horrifying. I'm so sorry you could not confide in your mother.

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You actually sound amazingly together for having gone through this at 14, alone.

It doesn't sound like a good idea to me to try and bury this again. You've born this load all alone for half your life, you deserve to seek and find solace, in whatever way works for you.

Rainbowsandfairies · 25/05/2023 04:57

I really feel for you. Counselling could help, or speaking to someone from a mental health charity. We bury feelings/ emotions because they're too difficult to deal with at the time. Be kind to yourself X

fruitypancake · 25/05/2023 05:08

OP you have been so brave telling us your story. If you do go for counselling you don't have to tell him/her until you feel ready to do so

sweettooth22 · 25/05/2023 05:13

Flowerss · 24/05/2023 22:07

Thank you for the replies. Yes I would like to talk about it but I’m not really sure how to.
I was 14 and just pretended it wasn’t happening. I went away for the night and pretended I was staying with a friend and left the baby somewhere, I don’t want to give too many details, and waited to make sure it was found.
This is so different to my persona with family and friends, I can’t really believe it happened myself.

Oh my god op . I cried reading this . You poor poor thing . I honestly can't imagine what you went through or still are going through . If you were my daughter/friend and you mentioned this to me now I would be so heartbroken . Not with you but for you not being able to tell me . What you did took so much strength. You stayed with your baby until you knew she was safe . That says a lot . If I was your daughter and I found out my birth mother done this I would not love her any less . Nor would I think less of her . I think you need to tell someone you trust and only if you want to try and find your child . ❤️

GingerScallop · 25/05/2023 05:20

hugs op. hugs and love.

sweettooth22 · 25/05/2023 05:45

Pallisers · 25/05/2023 02:18

Op, I am an adopted child who knew nothing of my origins for years. My sister still doesn't. It didn't matter at all to us. We were loved.

In all my years on MN you are the poster I most want to hug, want to reassure that you did so well, that you were such a child and shouldn't have had to go through this, want to wish all the good things in your future. I hope you deal with this trauma and realise how strong you were at 14.

I hope you know that every woman - probably mostly mothers - on this thread feels deeply for what you went through, would have loved to have helped you, wishes you well, thinks you deserve all good things.

❤️

Turtletotem · 25/05/2023 05:50

You sound like an amazingly strong woman.
That 14 year old was just a little girl and you've carried the pain all this time alone, while going through numerous life changes.
It's time for you to get some of the help you deserve now.
Sending hugs 🤗

LoonyLois · 25/05/2023 06:04

Something similar happened to me, if you want to PM me please do. I was 15 and the baby didn’t survive but still no one knows. It’s a huge burden and I know sometimes you just want to talk. I can’t imagine knowing the child is out there, it must be hard not googling

sashh · 25/05/2023 06:07

No one will see you as a monster. You were a child.

Do you want contact?

One of my cousins who is adopted recently traced her birth family, her birth mother has passed away and she was a total surprise to her half siblings and even more of a surprise to her father.

That's probably a bit much to ask you now.

Find someone to talk to, a counsellor or your GP, someone who can work through your feelings with you.

Do you want to tell your husband? Yes it will be a shock to him but he might be the person to talk to.

MumLass · 25/05/2023 06:21

OP, I'm so sorry you were just a child yourself. I just want to say though, now that you have given your age I think it might not be so hard for someone to figure out the year this happened and go searching for details. I've flagged to MNHQ for you as it might be identifying.

PosseGalore · 25/05/2023 06:22

This has got to be one of the saddest things I have ever read. Poor 14 year old you. What a nightmare. And to carry that memory for all these years. You are still so very young. Please talk to someone. As soon as you get a chance please call Samaritans. You can’t deal with this alone. Hugs and love to you.

SpinningCloudNiteClub · 25/05/2023 06:42

You poor thing. You were just a child yourself. You will need to talk about it sooner or later, it will consume you otherwise. How terrifying and brave of you to give birth on your own. You must have been so desperate.