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Original poster

*TRIGGER WARNING* Past is killing me today

165 replies

Flowerss · 24/05/2023 21:45

I’ve name changed for this. I’m not looking for advice or sympathy or anything really I just need to write this out.
I’m late 20s married with two young kids, very happy. Kids were very much wanted and tried for for a long time after miscarriages and they’re my world. But I had a child in my teens which no one in my life knows about, I mean not one single person. I’ve buried it deep over the years, even when I was having my other two children. But today my child is the same age I was when they were born and it’s just floored me. I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels as raw and awful as if it just happened today and obviously I can’t talk to any of my family or friends. I’ve pretended I’ve got a migraine and gone to bed. I’m hoping that once the day is over I can bury it again and move on tomorrow but right now I just keep going over everything that happened that day. I want to talk about it and thought about phoning the Samaritans or something but I don’t want anyone in the house to hear me so I’ve come on here.
Thanks in advance for reading.

OP posts:
SugarNspices · 24/05/2023 22:39

Agreed with @Twatalert I mean. She literally until tonight has never told a soul.

LeMoo · 24/05/2023 22:40

Twatalert · 24/05/2023 22:37

@Cookingin80days may I point out that your reply is well meaning but a bit insensitive.

Absolutely, do you really think it's the time or place?

Bovrilla · 24/05/2023 22:42

You may well have some residual trauma issues from this; you were a child.

Please seek some help from professionals. You sound like you really need some help to process what must have been a really frightening experience.

You were just a kid. Don't be too hard on yourself.

MaraScottie · 24/05/2023 22:42

OP you poor thing, you must have been so frightened. I think counselling would be very much worthwhile for helping you coming to terms with this. You did nothing wrong, you made sure the child was safe.

WallaceinAnderland · 24/05/2023 22:47

Burying your feelings and your memory of this event is perfectly natural. It's a way to cope with trauma. You were so young OP.

quietnightmare · 24/05/2023 22:50

You were a baby who had a baby. Hormones everywhere, scared and confused. You did what was right for you and the baby at the time. You should be proud that you have taken the first steps to healing by opening up about the situation on here.

Counselling is maybe something that will be beneficial for you when you are ready

I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do next

Sending love

LeMoo · 24/05/2023 22:53

You were a baby who had a baby

Absolutely. Cannot be thought of in the same as if you were an adult, or even an older teenager. Completely different circumstances.

SpringSummerDreamer · 24/05/2023 22:54

How brave you were and are. Go easy on yourself about this, you went through a huge trauma. If you want to talk anonymously, just to see how it feels to speak the words about what happened and organise your thoughts, maybe Samaritans would be a good starting point. Then work out if/when/ you want to share with others/a counsellor, or not. No need to unless you feel you want to. 🌻

Wolfiefan · 24/05/2023 22:57

Oh OP this is heartbreaking. You weren’t stupid. You were a child. I agree with a PP that this was a huge trauma and you’ve buried it so deep. My heart goes out to you.

AuContraire · 24/05/2023 22:58

This is so upsetting for you, the child you, and of course the baby. No wonder you've blocked it out. You were so young, no comprehension at all of the magnitude of what you were doing. And how frightening for you to go through childbirth alone. I'm glad you made sure the little baby was found by someone.

RudsyFarmer · 24/05/2023 23:01

You were scared. You made sure the baby found safety. Do you feel like you’d like to make contact in time or absolutely not? I can understand both feelings.

Original poster
Flowerss · 24/05/2023 23:07

I can’t imagine there would ever be any way for me to trace my child, and they probably think of me as a monster. I wish I’d left some kind of note but I was far too worried about being traced. I didn’t take a single thing with me when I went away and it was all very last minute because I didn’t have a clue when it would happen. I remember getting on a train and spending most of the journey in the toilet thinking it was going to happen in there. It didn’t and I ended up getting to somewhere where I was on my own, sorry for being vague I just really don’t want to give too many details and risk anyone recognising something. Actually it took a lot longer than I was expecting and I remember the process going on all night, I was scared someone was going to find me when it started getting light and it still hadn’t happened. Part of me kind of wishes someone had found me in terms of having to do things properly after that, as in there’d be a proper route to make contact with the child.

OP posts:
LeMoo · 24/05/2023 23:12

I wish I could give 14 year old you a hug and reassurance.

No one is going to look back on a 14yo child and think they're a monster.

I'm sure there would be a way to trace your baby if you ever wanted to, but don't feel pressured to do so. Right now, you need to focus on healing yourself and that 14 year old girl who was so scared and also so brave to go through that alone and still make sure the baby was safe.

HerbsandSpices · 24/05/2023 23:14

You are definitely not a monster. You were an overwhelmed 14 year old doing the best you thought you could at the time.

If you are interested in finding the child, there will be ways. For now though, you may find counselling a safe place to disclose for the first time. This is a huge burden you've been carrying alone for far too long.

barmycatmum · 24/05/2023 23:14

💐 hugs, OP 💐 you were just a kid.

MsRosley · 24/05/2023 23:16

God, you poor thing!

biscuiteer · 24/05/2023 23:16

I imagine you had to detach from reality and at such a young age yourself, I genuinely feel you were incredibly brave. Well done for taking this huge step. Keep talking as much as you want to here, people will listen without judgement.

Twatalert · 24/05/2023 23:17

@Flowerss once you child is an adult and has the cognitive abilities of an adult I really doubt they would see you as a monster. It's quite possible they will have some compassion for your situation, especially at 14. A 14 year old who thought she'd have to go through this alone, saw no other option and didn't feel they could open up to anyone.

You are allowed to forgive yourself a bit for what you did and feel compassion for the younger you. You did the best you knew. It wasn't your fault that you didn't feel you could tell anyone. It really isn't your shame to carry.

It may absolutely be possible to trace your child in time given all the DNA databases today. Especially if you both decided one day that you want to be found.

LeMoo · 24/05/2023 23:18

You are allowed to forgive yourself a bit

You're allowed to forgive yourself completely.

Twatalert · 24/05/2023 23:20

@LeMoo absolutely. I didn't mean to suggest OP isn't. I just meant the process of forgiving is a long one and OP may begin to forgive herself rather soon.

PrinnyPree · 24/05/2023 23:21

Oh OP I am so sorry, you poor thing what an ordeal for such a young girl to go through. Xxx

As a PP has said I would imagine you would be able to trace your baby if you ever did decide to take that route. If you know the rough date and the rough area where you left the baby that would probably be a good starting point as it would be a very uncommon thing to happen. Also you may be able to trace them by giving a DNA sample.

But I think getting counselling or speaking to a doctor about your trauma may be a really helpful step. As others have said, wish I could give you and your 14 year old self a big hug. Hope you manage to find some comfort in speaking about it. Xx

Original poster
Flowerss · 24/05/2023 23:22

I actually almost don’t believe that it really happened. I can’t believe that I managed to keep it all a secret. Like I don’t understand how I managed to hide it because I could definitely see that I was pregnant. It feels like I dreamt it but at the same time it’s really clear. The pain was like nothing I’ve ever experienced, like 100 times worse than I was expecting, and it went on and on for so long. I’ll never forget the pain but I don’t remember getting from where I gave birth to where I left the baby.
Thank you for all being so supportive and just letting me talk.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:25

If you were willing to, you would definitely be able to find out what happened to your baby. I think you would probably need the help of a counsellor to do that. I think I probably would've done the same at that age. There's no way, I could've told my parents that I was pregnant. 💐

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 24/05/2023 23:25

Flowerss · 24/05/2023 23:07

I can’t imagine there would ever be any way for me to trace my child, and they probably think of me as a monster. I wish I’d left some kind of note but I was far too worried about being traced. I didn’t take a single thing with me when I went away and it was all very last minute because I didn’t have a clue when it would happen. I remember getting on a train and spending most of the journey in the toilet thinking it was going to happen in there. It didn’t and I ended up getting to somewhere where I was on my own, sorry for being vague I just really don’t want to give too many details and risk anyone recognising something. Actually it took a lot longer than I was expecting and I remember the process going on all night, I was scared someone was going to find me when it started getting light and it still hadn’t happened. Part of me kind of wishes someone had found me in terms of having to do things properly after that, as in there’d be a proper route to make contact with the child.

Have you tried searching news records?

abandoned babies usually do make the news, I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard to find should you want to.

police would probably have records too.

Twatalert · 24/05/2023 23:25

@Flowerss look after yourself. Let your intuition and gut feel guide you.

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