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Original poster

My pet just died unnecessarily

232 replies

Luckycatyellowsky · 23/05/2023 20:28

I’m really upset. I don’t know what I hope to achieve from this post- but I need to write down what’s in my head. I feel so heartbroken.
I had a beautiful pet tortoise. I know she was “just” a reptile and maybe she didn’t really care for me- but I loved her.
today I had to go in to work early and asked my husband to put her outside in her run after the school run whilst he worked from home. He agreed. He forgot. When I got home she’d gotten stuck upside down under her heat lamp. She had blood coming out her nose and was so so hot. I can’t get the of her out of my head. I tried to revive her- but she was gone. I’ve buried her in the garden and will plant a rose bush over her. I feel sick with guilt I didn’t put her outside myself- I chose not to as it was still cold here at 7 and the grass was damp. My husband sat in the same room as her all day and says he just didn’t notice. I’m so angry with my husband I can barely look at him. I know it was a mistake on his part- he wouldn’t hurt an animal on purpose….but I still feel so cross with him.

OP posts:
Saschka · 23/05/2023 21:34

It does sound like a series of unfortunate events rather than massive negligence on your DPs part - he forgot to put her outside, yes, but she also managed to flip herself (problem 2), directly under her lamp (problem 3) which then overheated (problem 4), and he didn’t notice (presumably forgot she wasn’t outside, problem 5).

Does that help you see this as less his fault, and more of a tragic accident?

TeaParty4Me · 23/05/2023 21:34

I’m so sorry to hear that OP 💐

Tbh I would have thought that she’d have been safer insider under her heat lamp all day than outside, so I’m wondering if it was just a coincidence.

I would find it very hard to forgive DH but as you say you know he would never hurt her maliciously and sometimes accidents do happen.

It is very common to feel guilty about things you did wrong but you shouldn’t because it sounds like she had a wonderful life and was very loved and care for.

Lesina · 23/05/2023 21:39

I would never forgive anyone who allowed an animal to die in such horrific circumstances due to their negligence. Says a huge amount about your husband and possibly more about you if you let this go. What an incredibly awful death that poor animal had. Unforgivable

Truestorypeeps · 23/05/2023 21:39

Sorry for your loss. I see the man bashers are out in full force.

I'd say it was a genuine mistake on his part. Was it your pet as opposed to his? When I ask someone to do something for me and if it's not part of their usual routine, I usually send them a reminder text or call to check to make sure did they actually hear me and not just hear me speak and say 'yes' and also just to make sure they didn't forget!

At the end of the day, you can't just blame your husband. Also, what would you do if you were going on holiday? Presumably someone can't check in every hour to make sure the tortoise isn't stuck? Was there a layout issue if it can get stuck in such a dangerous position and actually die from it?

He's apologised, feels genuinely awful, so ignoring him (if you still are) won't do much.

nanamoo · 23/05/2023 21:39

So sorry for your loss.

It's always hard when a beloved pet passes, more so when it happens so suddenly. To some people she may have been 'just a reptile' but not to you, she was a lot more than that. Run free at the bridge little one

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 23/05/2023 21:40

I’d be similar to you OP, seems negligent.

If it helps my NDN let his pet rabbit into the garden and forgot about her, there were some foxes who got her and sadly he recovered her body. He was devastated.

I do think sometimes WFH and family life makes you forgetful or more concentrated on work.

When I was a child my DGrandparents had a tortoise in Battersea called Tortie. We always used to find him in their garden and as far as I recall he lived a long and happy life and died peacefully.

Truestorypeeps · 23/05/2023 21:42

Lesina · 23/05/2023 21:39

I would never forgive anyone who allowed an animal to die in such horrific circumstances due to their negligence. Says a huge amount about your husband and possibly more about you if you let this go. What an incredibly awful death that poor animal had. Unforgivable

Is she meant to divorce someone over a genuine mistake? Fair enough where the husband hasn't dropped the kids off to crèche and left them in a hot car and they've died, that's quite possibly an ireconcilable mistake. But a pet tortoise? He didn't murder the creature in cold blood!

sarahtalkstoomuch · 23/05/2023 21:43

I’m so sorry for your loss. Marigold was beautiful

AwesomeAvocado · 23/05/2023 21:43

I’m so sorry OP.

My beloved cat died following my own forgetfulness and I have never forgiven myself. My DH never blamed me and I love him for that.

LostFrog · 23/05/2023 21:44

That is awful, I’m so sorry. They are lovely animals, my friend had one taken by a seagull from the garden when she went inside briefly, she has never forgiven herself.

Time4achangeagain · 23/05/2023 21:44

OP it sounds like she had an absolutely brilliant life. I’m so sorry she’s gone but at least you know you have her a great life

Nicknacky · 23/05/2023 21:44

Truestorypeeps · 23/05/2023 21:42

Is she meant to divorce someone over a genuine mistake? Fair enough where the husband hasn't dropped the kids off to crèche and left them in a hot car and they've died, that's quite possibly an ireconcilable mistake. But a pet tortoise? He didn't murder the creature in cold blood!

Show quote history

It’s mumsnet. These types of posters easily throw out divorce as a normal, every day reaction but yet in real life a couple would work through whatever had happened. It’s bizarre that they even say it.

Nothing2lose · 23/05/2023 21:44

I’m so sorry. Animal lover here, I think it’s the way she died that will be causing you even more pain. It will get easier with time, but just allow yourself the time to grieve now. Sending a huge hug.
your Husband is to blame but he will also know that and he struggling with his own guilt. We can all put ourselves in “if only” scenarios and he’s probably hating himself for it too.

Lesina · 23/05/2023 21:44

Truestorypeeps · 23/05/2023 21:42

Is she meant to divorce someone over a genuine mistake? Fair enough where the husband hasn't dropped the kids off to crèche and left them in a hot car and they've died, that's quite possibly an ireconcilable mistake. But a pet tortoise? He didn't murder the creature in cold blood!

Show quote history

A sentient being died in his care. Suffered before death. Actually suffered pain. But hey, it’s just a reptile. So that’s ok.

nanamoo · 23/05/2023 21:45

Meant to add that i had something similar happen to me :( I used to keep Siamese Fighting fish and had just got a new show quality male. Got him settled into his tank and went out for a few bits. When i got home i checked on him and found him 😭he'd gotten stuck between 1 of his floating caves and the side of the tank and drowned (Siamese Fighting fish are surface breathers) I broke my heart over my stupid mistake of not checking the filter flow wasn't too strong for him with him being so small. It's absolutely devastating when it happens.

BetiYeti · 23/05/2023 21:46

How distressing for you OP. I’m sorry for your loss. Tortoises are beautiful creatures.

MumofSpud · 23/05/2023 21:46

Oh this is so sad, Marigold was beautiful Flowers

Original poster
Luckycatyellowsky · 23/05/2023 21:47

I am in the uk. I brought a uk bred tortoise which had all the correct documentation from a trustworthy source. Please
son try to make Me feel even worse.

OP posts:
Nothing2lose · 23/05/2023 21:47

Haven’t read all the replies. But her husband likely thought “oh I’ll put the tortoise out soon, it’ll be fine”. Like a rabbit needing some grass. Or a horse in a stable. It’s the accident of it getting stuck under a heat lamp that caused the death. Not the part of it not going outside. If the heat lamp had been on a timer it wouldn’t have died. Also tortoises roam freely and it could’ve been run over. So many scenarios. Not at all divorce worthy!!!

Yetisrus · 23/05/2023 21:47

I'm so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking for you. Yes your husband is thoughtless but he's going to be blaming himself for the rest of his life.

I lost my dear cat to a heart attack in front of me, it was so traumatic and it won't ever leave me. I blame myself and always wonder if I had taken her to the vet for that blood test would she still be here.

P.s she wasn't just a reptile she was your family.

Nothing2lose · 23/05/2023 21:47

OP I hope you manage some sleep.

Peashootpetra · 23/05/2023 21:48

How sad! I just don’t get how he didn’t NOTICE though? I’ve WFH all day. I have a cat. I always know if she’s in the house/outside, sleeping or pottering around my desk. Didn’t he glance in her direction just once and think shit, she’s overturned?

weirdoboelady · 23/05/2023 21:48

Oh OP, I feel so sorry for everyone involved. You, losing such a cute and lovely individual torty. Your poor DH - that could so easily have been me as I get totally immersed in work and could easily not notice the passage of time, so I know I wouldn't be safe looking after an animal in a situation like this (although as Saschka has pointed out, it was a combination of horrid things). And I know just how awful I would feel, and how terrible he must be feeling. We all make mistakes, and some of them have more serious consequences than others. Did he love her as well? Her (his!) little soul will be free now, and part of the Infinite (my own beliefs lead me to think 'perhaps reincarnated already'). Try to share your grief with your husband because I am sure he has grief too, for having distressed you so much as well as the grief caused by guilt. I send love and light to remember her by.

Saschka · 23/05/2023 21:48

Lesina · 23/05/2023 21:39

I would never forgive anyone who allowed an animal to die in such horrific circumstances due to their negligence. Says a huge amount about your husband and possibly more about you if you let this go. What an incredibly awful death that poor animal had. Unforgivable

Tortoises are meant to spend 10-12 hours a day under their heat lamps - this one obviously malfunctioned if it got hot enough to kill the tortoise. That isn’t the DH’s fault, and presumably could have just as easily happened overnight without anyone noticing.

It also isn’t the DH’s fault that the tortoise got stuck upside down and so couldn’t get away from the malfunctioning lamp.

I think the husband is getting more blame for this than he actually deserves here. Yes, he forgot to let it out. That isn’t what killed the tortoise. The lamp malfunctioned.

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