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Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
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10
AllGussiedUp · 19/05/2023 10:53

You could try the

"If you're having a wank please don't run the shower at the same time it's really wasteful" route

Or not if she not a complete fucking weirdo. Ffs.

Xiaoxiong · 19/05/2023 10:53

No you have to press it to get the shower going. So he won't be able to start the water unless the button is pressed. I used one in an Air B&B once.

commonground · 19/05/2023 10:53

Haven't rtft, so this may have been said, but am baffled by your statement 'the bathroom is always wet.

I mean, that is literally what a bathroom is for.

If the condensation is so bad that the paint is peeling, you have a bigger problem than a 45 minute shower going on. It just doesn't sound normal.

I can't imagine restricting shower time because the bathroom is getting wet?

That said, it is usually more difficult to live with adult children as they are on a different vibe to you and probably should be with their peers. So looking at the bigger picture, perhaps it would be healthier for both of you if you could both work toward facilitating a move out for your DS.

Retire50 · 19/05/2023 10:53

Xiaoxiong · 19/05/2023 10:49

You need a shower wizard! https://showersavingtimer.com/products/showerwizard-1

If he starts the shower to "heat up" this will stop it after a while and it doesn't start again for 5 minutes.

This is perfect thank you 🙏 Will wait til after A levels though. Operation man will cook, shop, do his own laundry, admin and take less time in the shower before he turns 18 in August will commence July 2023!

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:53

pepperpiggy · 19/05/2023 10:50

@Bluemuf I lived at home well past 18 and would not have done this if my parents had asked me to stop.

If he does this to a potential partner, what would you think? He says 'oh I couldn't possibly shorten my showers' you don't seem to realise how many people are clearly rolling their eyes at your attitude towards it.

It's disrespectful but you seem happy to be disrespected and pretend there's nothing you can do about it. Tell him you're happy he can stay but he needs to try to shorten the showers as it's not working for you as a household.

I'm not happy about anything. I just don't know how I make it stop. The same with a partner. I could decide to live with him or not (I've made that decision here, I'm not going to chuck my son out over a shower) but I couldn't force him to have shorter showers. If I could, how?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 19/05/2023 10:53

God, that's wasteful, what an entitled young man.

Housenoob · 19/05/2023 10:53

I think just have another chat with him and say how much it's affecting you. Either that or make him pay more towards the water bill.

It always baffles me how many on MN seem to think as soon as a DC turns 18 or so they cease to be a member of the family, no longer need their parents and must move out NOW.

Yfory · 19/05/2023 10:54

Bluemuf so insist he use it. Or tell him of the consequences. I would be charging him a significant surcharge per minute over 5 minutes of shower water. Stop making excuses for him being crappy!

TheOrigRights · 19/05/2023 10:54

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:28

It's not batting back, it's that I've tried them all.

I also wonder how many people who have all the answers actually have adult DC. Like when people without children tell you how to manage your 8yos behaviour or your baby's sleep 😆

Show quote history

I have a 14 and 24 yo. The 24 yo has just graduated and won't be moving back home. He doesn't have a job yet, but will turn his hand to anything and continue to live in student digs rather than move back home.
I love having him here for weekends, Xmas etc and we visit when we can, or go away together, BUT after a couple of weeks of him being home and not getting on board with MY house rules, I'm ready for him to go and for us all to have our own space.

I know you've said he can't move out so I guess your only solution is to accept that this is something you've just got to live with.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:54

Retire50 · 19/05/2023 10:53

This is perfect thank you 🙏 Will wait til after A levels though. Operation man will cook, shop, do his own laundry, admin and take less time in the shower before he turns 18 in August will commence July 2023!

Show quote history

Is it? It looks like the person in the shower has to set it?

OP posts:
Netcam · 19/05/2023 10:55

Is it a shower over the bath? We have just put a new tap with shower diverter over our bath, along with a shower curtain. As we didn't want to drill into the tiles, we have kept the shower head on an existing lower down hook.

We have observed that one of the upsides of the shower head attachment being low down is that you are forced to turn it off when putting on soap/shampoo and turning it on again for rinsing as it is hand held. This saves a huge amount of water and kind of forces you to have a short shower.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:55

Yfory · 19/05/2023 10:54

Bluemuf so insist he use it. Or tell him of the consequences. I would be charging him a significant surcharge per minute over 5 minutes of shower water. Stop making excuses for him being crappy!

OK, I'm obviously failing badly, but how do you "insist" another adult does something? What exactly does that look like?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/05/2023 10:56

Don't you have a window in the bathroom?

I am clearly in the minority here but I can't imagine trying to police the amount of time an adult spends in the shower! Confused

Maybe I'm just jealous because DS14 rarely showers, I'd be delighted if he was spending so long in there!

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 10:56

burst in after 5 minutes, every time.
Switch the hot water off so he gets a minute of hot then cold? lights off
just tell him that he owes you a quid per minute to be paid immediately after the shower in cash?

And then when he does finally move out? go over to his and do it to him...

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:56

He won't care about the cost or any "surcharge". He'd see it as something worth paying for.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 19/05/2023 10:57

So when I was at the Air B&B, you'd lean in and start the water, but nothing would come out of the shower head until you pressed the button to the shower timer. Then the water would start, and it would only run for 8 minutes and shut off, and you couldn't start it again for 5 minutes.

We were so confused the first morning as nothing would come out of the shower head....5 messages later to the Air B&B host and then we were told we had to start the shower timer before any water would come out.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:57

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 10:56

burst in after 5 minutes, every time.
Switch the hot water off so he gets a minute of hot then cold? lights off
just tell him that he owes you a quid per minute to be paid immediately after the shower in cash?

And then when he does finally move out? go over to his and do it to him...

I'm not there

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/05/2023 10:57

If you do have a window, ask him to open the window during and after his shower so that the condensation goes out. It can be closed when any droplets have disappeared from mirrors etc.

Retire50 · 19/05/2023 10:58

Yes but sometimes I think my 17 year old just loses track of time this is like a conditioning response sort of thing for me it’s about him appreciating water is precious too and we should all try and respect and be mindful of how much we use.

AllGussiedUp · 19/05/2023 10:58

Some of these suggestions. Burst in on him? Wtaf?

Crikeyalmighty · 19/05/2023 10:58

May I suggest a good old fashioned house/flat share like my 25 year old son has in London- yes he pays 40% of his salary on rent and bills (nice area) but he has A good idea now of bills- cost and looking after stuff-

Namechangenumber2345 · 19/05/2023 10:59

AllGussiedUp · 19/05/2023 10:58

Some of these suggestions. Burst in on him? Wtaf?

Are you taking them all seriously? I would suggest perhaps not.

Dwightlovesmichael · 19/05/2023 10:59

OP - I get it!

You could be me!

I have a 21 year old ds, good job, pays towards bills etc. He has no plans to move out at the moment and I have no plans to make him, why would I?

He has stopped the 45 min showers though. A couple of years ago, dh got to the end of his tether and told him really bloody firmly that it has to stop now. He was really angry about it after telling ds for years to take shorter showers.

So my mega helpful advice is to shout.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:00

Xiaoxiong · 19/05/2023 10:49

You need a shower wizard! https://showersavingtimer.com/products/showerwizard-1

If he starts the shower to "heat up" this will stop it after a while and it doesn't start again for 5 minutes.

Do you have one, or did you find this on Google? I can't find it available in UK?

OP posts: