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Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:22

BatFaceOwl · 19/05/2023 10:20

Your bathroom should really be up to getting wet so I'd look at that, as an aside. If it's damp and paint is peeling off then it probably needs tiling which would help a lot

As he pays his way and is no bother in any other way id be disinclined to come down too hard on this one but I would be requesting that he keeps showers to 20 mins. That seems reasonable to me but then, I've got a 16 year old that takes that long and it hasn't occurred to me that it was an issue

It is fully tiled. It's the door frame and ceiling that peels and the varnish on the door. There's an open window, an extractor fan and a dehumidifier.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/05/2023 10:22

Turning off the water or removing the shower hose would be a great solution. He can shower in the evening with a timer. Or if you want to hit his pocket, give him a financial incentive. A 10 minute shower costs 73p for 10 minutes (ergo £3.29 for 45mins) if electric and 40p (ergo £1.80) if gas. I would Increase his rent by the corresponding amount plus about £1 a day to pay for the water and wear and tear. So for an electric shower, I’d ask for £4.50 and if gas, £3.

Namechangenumber2345 · 19/05/2023 10:23

Also I'd be insisting the window is kept open in the bathroom at all times.

titchy · 19/05/2023 10:23

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:54

He could probably manage a house share but then he'll never save any money. I'm not sure why anyone would choose that for their child?

Because house sharing is way more fun than sharing with your parents like you're still a teenager!

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:23

TheOrigRights · 19/05/2023 10:10

He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day.

Is he like this with other aspects of his life?
What annoys you most? That he's disrespectful, the cost of the water/heating or the state of the bathroom?

The second you can sort out - ask him to pay more towards the bills.

I'm curious about the state of the bathroom - they are designed to cope with steam and condensation so with good ventilation it should be OK.

The disrespect - that harder and obviously depends on your relationship with him and how you manage other contentious issues.

If he understands then would he be supportive of you treating him like a child helping him to find ways to NOT forget and do it the next day? e.g. as PPs have suggested - a timer?

Possibly, but he doesn't do much else to be sorry about.

OP posts:
BatFaceOwl · 19/05/2023 10:24

Then I don't really grasp the issue tbh

He's a good lad. He's paying his way. He remedies any peeling paint or whatever. He is perfect around the house in other ways. You're not financially suffering through this

You're batting back every single suggestion that people make. So maybe just accept you fancied a whinge and let him crack on with his long showers?

RandomMess · 19/05/2023 10:24

I put a "water saver" in the shower hose which has helped a bit. Nag about window open and fan on REGULARLY.

Make him clean the mould off weekly and pay for it.

Remind him that it will all need to be repainted again and it will be his job and cost to do.

OhVelma · 19/05/2023 10:27

We had a new shower fitted recently. It automatically turns off after 4 minutes and you can’t immediately turn it back on again.

the kids hate it, but it’s saving money and water and it’s perfectly possible to wash your hair and body in four minutes when you are motivated to do so

AllGussiedUp · 19/05/2023 10:28

Because house sharing is way more fun than sharing with your parents like you're still a teenager!

They can have fun when living with parents, they’ve got a lot more money to have fun with and as long as you treat each other like adults, it can work well.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:28

BatFaceOwl · 19/05/2023 10:24

Then I don't really grasp the issue tbh

He's a good lad. He's paying his way. He remedies any peeling paint or whatever. He is perfect around the house in other ways. You're not financially suffering through this

You're batting back every single suggestion that people make. So maybe just accept you fancied a whinge and let him crack on with his long showers?

It's not batting back, it's that I've tried them all.

I also wonder how many people who have all the answers actually have adult DC. Like when people without children tell you how to manage your 8yos behaviour or your baby's sleep 😆

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/05/2023 10:28

We once stayed at a holiday let where there was a 5 minute (IIRC) shower timer. There was a valid reason (besides mere stinginess or eco-awareness) why it was necessary, but I’ve forgotten what.
We found it enough time, though.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:29

OhVelma · 19/05/2023 10:27

We had a new shower fitted recently. It automatically turns off after 4 minutes and you can’t immediately turn it back on again.

the kids hate it, but it’s saving money and water and it’s perfectly possible to wash your hair and body in four minutes when you are motivated to do so

Ooooh. Link? I actually have a plumber here atm to fix a dripping shower, maybe he could change it?

OP posts:
NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 19/05/2023 10:30

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:28

It's not batting back, it's that I've tried them all.

I also wonder how many people who have all the answers actually have adult DC. Like when people without children tell you how to manage your 8yos behaviour or your baby's sleep 😆

Show quote history

I have adult children and I'd just put a timer on the shower that switches it off after a certain time. I think you can get that? No way would they have having 45 minute showers.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:30

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:29

Ooooh. Link? I actually have a plumber here atm to fix a dripping shower, maybe he could change it?

Show quote history

That said, what stops him just turning it back on and starting another 4 minutes?

OP posts:
BatFaceOwl · 19/05/2023 10:30

Well this is true. My 24 year old has now moved out but she was fond of the 2 hour bath of an evening.

I just pick my battles tbh

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/05/2023 10:31

To add, for a start I’d whack up his rent, OP, to allow for all that extra gas/electricity, not to mention water, if yours is metered.

FlamingoQueen · 19/05/2023 10:31

My ds (20) puts the shower on then sits on the toilet for 15 mins! Drives me potty. Some days I’m home so will bang on the door. He just enjoys the shower! Perhaps he could have a longer shower once a week if he has quick showers the rest of the time.

StevieNicksfan · 19/05/2023 10:31

Following with interest as I could have written this word for word myself. My ds is 23 and exactly the same. I, too, suspect he is "warming" the shower up first before he gets in it, going on his phone whilst he's waiting and getting distracted by the phone (I hear him dropping his phone on the bathroom floor sometimes!). We have asked him nicely again and again not to spend so long in there. Each time he wholeheartedly agrees and then goes and does it again. When I'm in, I run the hot tap downstairs which turns the water in the shower cold. However, I dread to think how long he's in there when, like you, I'm not home.

Bluebells1970 · 19/05/2023 10:32

We've got an electric shower in the family bathroom which was the DC's bathroom (3 girls) when they lived at home.

The isolator switch is outside the bathroom in the hallway. For this very reason.

caringcarer · 19/05/2023 10:32

Get him a 10 minute timer. I only take 10 mins and I have long hair to wash too.

bigdecisionstomake · 19/05/2023 10:33

Absolutely no solution from me but sending solidarity - I could have written this post in almost the exact same detail. Interested in the 4 minute device though....

Retire50 · 19/05/2023 10:34

If you find a solution let me know. My son has his own bathroom and he is known to have x 2 45 minute showers a day (morning and evening). It’s A level season at the moment so we are staying silent but as soon as he is finished we will need a solution as it’s not good for the planet, the bills or the bathroom!

TrashyPanda · 19/05/2023 10:34

He’s an adult male, not a child.

he knows what he is doing, he just can’t be arsed to change his habits

remove shower head and hide, so he can only shower when you are at home.

because you can’t trust him to behave in a responsible manner. It’s rude and inconsiderate. He shouldn’t need to be told more than once - because he isnt a child. What would happen at work if he blithely ignored what he was told to do?

pepperpiggy · 19/05/2023 10:34

I love love love my showers but no way I could even be bothered to stand up that long!!! Definitely do whatever it takes to shift him out

SmugglersHaunt · 19/05/2023 10:35

I used to have a flatmate like that - drove me crazy. She could quite easily spend 1hr+ in the shower. I just couldn't understand what there was left to wash. At one point I thought she might be taking out her internal organs to give them a rinse