Adult children and use of the shower

[Bluemuf]

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

You are joking aren't you?

Or are you seriously saying that a 22 year old who is holding down a job, simply doesn't understand that his behaviour at home is not acceptable (showering so long it's causing damage to the room.)

I wonder why you keep concocting these lame excuses for his behaviour.

Or you could look at it as reasonably expecting an adult to start growing out of an annoying teenage habit.

I used to tolerate my DS being pretty slack about a few things when he was doing his GCSEs and A levels - now he's in his 20s, not a chance.

I don’t think you understand habits!

Of course I do. Are you seriously saying nobody has ever successfully stopped doing something that is a habit to them? "Kick the habit" is a phrase for that very reason.

Having had multiple conversations about why your habit is harmful, during which you agreed to change, should be enough to remember that what you're doing is causing a problem when you're doing it.

But what's really wrong with having a long shower. If it's something he wants to do and makes him happy

If he pays for it and covers the cost then he can surely have long showers

Have it because it makes you happy and you have the money why not?

There is a lot of water in some parts of the UK but by the end of this summer who knows what will happen, not only the hothouse strawberries but also the everyday spud will suffer. Farmers are worried we need water for food.
Rich have swimming pools in hotter countries while other have problem finding clean water.

OP you come across quite strange on this thread; like you want to prove something to the people giving you advice.

Ultimately if people think your son is spoiled or entitled, that’s based on the information YOU provided. I’m not sure why you’ve bothered posting something to try and counteract their perception, when you’re the one who gave the impression to begin with. What do you actually want from posters as you’ve ignored their advice?

Maybe it’s time to ask for this thread to be deleted if you’re not finding it beneficial

Increase his rent to cover the extra and have him use a window vac to suck up the water condensation.

Dont have any solutions, OP, but my brother was exactly the same! Less than 2h in the shower was a QUICK one!

I have no idea what he was doing in there for so long, even even when wed start knocking on the door, to get him to finish (as we also needed to shower, or food was on the table), he would still take at least a good 30 minutes 😂

Eventually he grew out of it, b-but not until he was in his late 20s. He can now have a 10 minute shower, like any normal person!

Some of you must have money to burn!!
op’s son is having such long showers that it means that sooner or later she will have to re-furb the bathroom which will cost loads of money! He needs to just stop, end of. As I say, more money than sense

@PhyllisFogg - no, not joking. You actually have no idea what actual effect it is having on the bathroom, as you haven’t seen it. It sounds as though the OP’s ds is likely to have the clearest idea, as he is the one taking responsibility for dealing with the peeling paint, etc. If he thinks it is purely cosmetic, he might be right. Also, if he has behaved like this for years, has the bathroom been like this for years, or is it an issue that has only recently started to cause quite such big problems? Has the rest of the house been kept unusually cold this year? Is the extractor fan clogged up? You even admit yourself you don’t even know exactly what has been said to the ds, or the way in which the OP has said it, and you have chosen now to ignore or discount the instances in which she has shown that he is not only not generally disrespectful, but is in fact unusually caring and considerate. You have even made up a situation where his dying father was shouting at him about the bathroom. I shouldn’t imagine his father was remotely dying at the time he indulged in his ineffective shouting, it’s more likely this was his method of dealing with the ds long before he got ill, especially as the OP specified he took care of his father when he was ill, not that he wound him up and made him worse. You are really just being judgemental of the OP and her unknown ds, whose views we do not even have in our possession, because you have let your irritation get the better of you when she has not responded to your opinions in the way you expected. So, I repeat, I do not think telling him he is disrespectful yet again, even after the OP has said she has tried this, is helpful in any way to anyone, or even a fair representation of what is going on. Your suggestion they might all still be affected by grief might be accurate however, which will affect the way they all react to situations. We all need our metaphorical comfort blankets, even as adults. He has stepped up in so many ways, it is cruel to dismiss all of that and simply tell him he lacks respect, imvho.

Put up his rent to cover the water bills and fuel costs. It's what I did. I explained that if they weren't paying enough to cover their gas electric and water usage I would have to moan and curtail its use. They were fine paying more.

You actually have no idea what actual effect it is having on the bathroom, as you haven’t seen it.

@Walkaround I can read. Unless the OP is lying she'd made it clear what it's doing.

There's the option on the P's post to 'Read All'.

If you do that you will see where she describes what's happened AND how his dying father shouted at him.

Please read the thread before throwing out incorrect accusations.

@PhyllisFogg she said that his father shouted at him, not that he was dying when he did it - or could you point me to where she said his father was dying at the time? I think you are conflating two different times in the past.

it’s an explanation of your viewpoint and listening carefully to the views of the other person, and not always being able to agree with each other. This is basically what I meant. The son is not being respectful, because he isn't explaining his viewpoint, he's saying yes whilst acting no.

I think every conversation would ideally be respectful, the done is not respectful in this matter.

Most people fail to be respectful all the time, I know I do, but the son is being a repeated pain around this issue.

If the son does not know how to tell his mother he thinks she is over-reacting and he thinks this is really just a cosmetic and cost issue, that’s not necessarily a lack of respect, that’s learned patterns of behaviour on both their parts where it is difficult to express their more negative thoughts and feelings to each other. He has, after all, spent his recent past caring for his dying father. I do think the OP is right and he is not doing the bathroom any good, nor their finances, nor the environment, but we don’t know what the ds really thinks, nor do we know that his failure to express what he thinks is due to disrespect, nor do we know why he keeps losing track of time in the bathroom. It could be a massive blind spot on his part. It could be the one thing he is holding onto that he thinks he should be allowed to be a little bit selfish over. We don’t know, because we don’t know any of the people concerned.

Show him the power bill and tell him he has to pay an equal share of it. Right away. An immediate huge increase in his rent will cover the damage to your property.

Get him a girlfriend.

This is probably going to sound a bit stupid, but if you stop letting it bother you… it won’t bother you. This sounds much like my son who has been known to have 2 showers and a bath in the same day! I’ve accepted he likes to be clean and just tell him to open the window when he’s in there. Unless someone needs to get in the bathroom while he’s in there and then we just hammer on the door and tell him to hurry up (he does) If the paint is still a problem then I would tell him it’s his job to repaint the ceiling/walls if needed and I’m sure he wouldn’t complain. He sounds like a pretty decent dude - be thankful, it’s minor in the grand scheme of things.

Give him a choice.
Shorter showers or he either (you can choose which choice/s to give him):

Pays the excess for the water and the repairs/works needed on the house (get some quotes for fitting an extractor fan & some quotes to sort the woodwork.)

Moves out, so he can pay the bill & therefore shower as long as he wants.

The water gets shut off when you leave for work & he can only shower when you’re in the house to monitor it.

He might be great with everything else, but he’s breaking your rules & like with everything in life, you break the rules & there will be consequences.

If you aren’t on a water meter, you can change so you are & take meter readings before & after work if needs be.

@Bluemuf excessive showering or cleaning routines that can't be interrupted can be a OCD presentation resulting from anxiety/stress.
I don't think his showering time is particularly excessive, but it does seem that he can't change this personal care routine.
I know someone who has quite entrenched OCD, and long showers and uninterruptible face care routines were the first signs of this.
Lots about it in the internet if you Google.

Does he have a lock on his room and good privacy? Because I suspect he is in the shower so long doing his “boy business” because he doesn’t feel comfortable in his room being overheard or interrupted perhaps

The comments on here are WILD he’s showering not running a crack den who kicks their child out for that! Disrespectful? Wtf

I don’t know the solution but I think this will pass I would just keep making him repair the damage and pay the water bill.

I once read a story from a bloke which may or not be true, that he was once lying on his bed with his headphones on and his eyes closed, doing his 'boy business' and when he'd finished he opened his eyes and his mum had left him a mug of tea by the side of the bed.

Turn the heating off. Only have the hot water on for a short window in the morning. The hot water will run out quickly. Otherwise ask him to open the windows before his shower.

They have a combi boiler, the OP says, and also she says she's not there during working weekdays because she's already at work when he's in the shower.

She doesn't know if the son is actually employing all the measures she says they have, e.g. opening the main bathroom window, switching on the extractor fan, using the dehumidifier.

I'd also guess he has previously rubbed down and painted over a wet ceiling and doorframe, hence the continued peeling.

A cold house will just make it all worse.