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Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
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pepperpiggy · 19/05/2023 10:37

Also I can't help but think you've raised an irresponsible man dc here. Is he being disrespectful to you 'because I pay the bills' style here because it's still disrespectful for him to suggest he is in no way able to shorten his time in the shower. If something upsets you basic empathy should kick in and a small attempt should be made to accept he can make some changes and everyone's back to being happy

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:40

pepperpiggy · 19/05/2023 10:37

Also I can't help but think you've raised an irresponsible man dc here. Is he being disrespectful to you 'because I pay the bills' style here because it's still disrespectful for him to suggest he is in no way able to shorten his time in the shower. If something upsets you basic empathy should kick in and a small attempt should be made to accept he can make some changes and everyone's back to being happy

Well that line was always going to be trotted out at some point. How old are your DC?

I've said in every other way he's great to live with, pays his way and contributes to household tasks. No he has never once said he's "entitled" to anything because he pays keep.

OP posts:
Paws09 · 19/05/2023 10:40

Surely if the bills is the problem then increase the rent? Do you have a combi boiler or a tank? If a tank out a timer on the water so that it runs out. Our hot water comes on for 30 mins in the morning and DH and I can only get 2 or 3 showers out of that.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 19/05/2023 10:41

I think he sounds like a lovely young man.
maybe check the filter on the extractor fan, and just ask him to be a bit quicker sometimes?
also, did you use bathroom specific paint on the ceiling and door frame? Normal paint will often peel in the damp.

TBH my adult DS’s often spend aaaaages in the shower, I don’t think about what they’re doing in there but I’d rather it was in the shower than their bed 😐

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 19/05/2023 10:41

So he pays a reasonable amount for the bills, he's rectified the damage to the paint work and he uses the bathroom when you are out (so it's not inconveniencing you).

And all round is a great housemate?

Sorry, but what is the actual problem?

PinkRobotDuck · 19/05/2023 10:43

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:54

He could probably manage a house share but then he'll never save any money. I'm not sure why anyone would choose that for their child?

Child?

OhVelma · 19/05/2023 10:43

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:29

Ooooh. Link? I actually have a plumber here atm to fix a dripping shower, maybe he could change it?

Show quote history

It’s a Mira remote control thing that works the shower (not a plumber!). Basically you set it to turn off after 4 minutes (or whatever you choose) and it does. You have to wait a few minutes to turn it back on, and that’s just not pleasant getting cold standing there in the wet so no one bothers to do that.

Coronationstation · 19/05/2023 10:43

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/05/2023 10:28

We once stayed at a holiday let where there was a 5 minute (IIRC) shower timer. There was a valid reason (besides mere stinginess or eco-awareness) why it was necessary, but I’ve forgotten what.
We found it enough time, though.

possibly a septic tank that they didn't want to be emptying more often than necessary?

I'm sorry but 45minutes is a ridiculous waste of water and gas / electricity. Are you on a water meter too?

Chamomileteaplease · 19/05/2023 10:44

I would keep him in charge of repairing any damage he causes.

And up his rent to cover the costs of long showers.

Then surely, all consequences are covered?

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:45

I've spoken to the plumber, he doesn't think such a thing exists that would work with our combi boiler. Only on electric showers?.

OP posts:
PinkRobotDuck · 19/05/2023 10:45

If you’re out how do you know how long he takes.
Maybe there are stats about the cost of a shower - calculate + amount of water used and charge him.

Parky04 · 19/05/2023 10:46

Soozikinzii · 19/05/2023 09:44

Is he a member of a gym or sports club ? Can you suggest he showers there ?

Yep, he won't spend more than 5 minutes in there as they are lukewarm at best!

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:46

PinkRobotDuck · 19/05/2023 10:43

Child?

Show quote history

That just proves you don't have adult children. They don't stop being your children.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 19/05/2023 10:46

I mean very obviously he's watching porn on his phone and the shower helps drown out any noise, quick actual shower afterwards.
I would outright say you know that's what he's doing but it's costing way too much money so if he wants to carry on then you're putting his rent up by £200 a month.
That should sort it.

FabulousFryingpan · 19/05/2023 10:49

Have you addressed the issue of him being on his phone while waiting for the shower to warm up? You can probably easily prove that it doesn't take more than a minute or a minute and a half, if that, for the shower to warm up. If he is receptive to that - show him the evidence, that may work as it doesn't appear to be obstreperousness.

It's a pity he's alone in the house, actually, someone banging on the door needing to use the loo is probably a good solution too. I sometimes sorely wish my partner would not take his clothes in to get dressed as well, because that is taking most time, drying off and get dressed, the shower itself is not the issue always.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:50

YukoandHiro · 19/05/2023 10:46

I mean very obviously he's watching porn on his phone and the shower helps drown out any noise, quick actual shower afterwards.
I would outright say you know that's what he's doing but it's costing way too much money so if he wants to carry on then you're putting his rent up by £200 a month.
That should sort it.

It wouldn't. He's offered that. He's very generous. Pays a reasonable keep and often brings food home for the family.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 19/05/2023 10:50

As someone with only one bathroom with DH and 2 adult sons (27 and 31) still at home, I sympathise.

Namechangenumber2345 · 19/05/2023 10:50

You could try the

"If you're having a wank please don't run the shower at the same time it's really wasteful" route

pepperpiggy · 19/05/2023 10:50

@Bluemuf I lived at home well past 18 and would not have done this if my parents had asked me to stop.

If he does this to a potential partner, what would you think? He says 'oh I couldn't possibly shorten my showers' you don't seem to realise how many people are clearly rolling their eyes at your attitude towards it.

It's disrespectful but you seem happy to be disrespected and pretend there's nothing you can do about it. Tell him you're happy he can stay but he needs to try to shorten the showers as it's not working for you as a household.

TequilaNights · 19/05/2023 10:51

Use This website and you will be shocked at how much that 45 minute shower is actually costing.

5 - 10 minutes is the average shower.

Shower Cost Calculator

Shower cost calculator estimates the total costs of using the shower.

https://www.omnicalculator.com/everyday-life/shower-cost

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:51

Xiaoxiong · 19/05/2023 10:49

You need a shower wizard! https://showersavingtimer.com/products/showerwizard-1

If he starts the shower to "heat up" this will stop it after a while and it doesn't start again for 5 minutes.

But that's operated by the person in the shower.....if he chooses not to use it....

OP posts:
Yfory · 19/05/2023 10:52

Bluemuf Well it helps me to appreciate mine.

I have a friend who I eat lunch with regularly in a staff canteen. When people abandon their plates half eaten she gets upset and has to look away. Because food waste upsets her as it does me. Me I just dont like to see waste cos Im greedy. It upsets her because she was born in India and has seen desperate hunger and poverty at first hand on a regular basis.

Having the shower running for 45 minutes is desperately selfish when so many around the world are without drinking water. Walking miles just to get to water to drink, to cook with, wash with etc.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 19/05/2023 10:52

My DS was the same. I had a problem peeling ceiling for years that the decorator couldn't resolve, whatever products were applied.

DS moved out, the decorator came and redid the ceiling once again, never happened since. Funnily enough, at DS's house, despite a brand new bathroom, with new plastered walls and tiling, he has a peeling ceiling 🙄

wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 10:52

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:54

He could probably manage a house share but then he'll never save any money. I'm not sure why anyone would choose that for their child?

Give him the choice.

If you want him to change you have to set and enforce some reasonable boundaries. 10-15 minutes is plenty for a shower.

Tell him he either:
-Moves out
-Cuts his showers

Tell him you are not joking, he needs to sort this out and has a week to decide.

Yes you want him to be able to save but you are letting him behave really badly towards you and that shouldn't be tolerated.

If he doesn't stop it, you need to find a way to police it or ask him to move out.