Adult children and use of the shower

[Bluemuf]

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

You don't seem to enforce your boundaries effectively?

It doesn't matter if the behaviour issue is small, it is the refusal to negotiate/compromise that is big.

All things all fall into three categories:
-do as you wish
-negotiate and agree reasonable compromise or call it off
-red line, do it once and you get told to fuck off

The difference with a partner is they would be responsible for the redecoration and it would likely be their own asset they were wrecking with the condensation.

The window is always opened and the dehumidifier running. It helps but doesn't solve it.

I was referring to the timer not bursting in my son he has his own bathroom so we never go in there unless it’s to nag him to clean it. I would never go in when he was using it.

It was an Air B&B in Boston so probably a US product. But there must be something similar, or I'm sure they ship here too.

Anyway up to you but I thought that would be a product that would solve your problem.

He is being really disrespectful towards you and you are just allowing it. If he knows how much you want him to stop this and won't, then his attitude is terrible. You need to impress upon him that he needs to respect house rules if he wants to carry on living there as he is an adult, he DOES have options, and adults are supposed to be respectful towards each other. If you're not willing to do that then you will just have to put up with him walking all over you.

Yes, it's only one thing, but his attitude about it sounds piss poor.

You could charge him a very high amount, to cover regular redecoration by a professional. Then the problem is his.

Enforcing boundaries does involve being quite annoying at times. When you get used to it is enjoyable.

Some of these comments are ridiculous- he's a fully grown adult and sounds respectful to the OP's wishes most of the time!

@Bluemuf have you considered getting a better extractor fan? We have just fitted a much better and bigger fan which has solved our problem completely!

Well exactly. He does repair the damage. That's not enough to change it and I'm not about to "call off" being his mother.

I've tried the rest. Maybe I haven't "enforced boundaries" enough although I seem to have raised a responsible adult in every other way. What else am I supposed to do to enforce them, short of throwing him out?

Yes I know all this and I have had this conversation many times. But no one can tell me exactly how I make any of it happen.

It's one issue that causes quite a problem, but it really isn't representative of his character overall.

You (perhaps deliberately?) misunderstand.

I mean call off the living arrangement.

Do you want to say what he is doing is fine, or enforce a boundary? It si a simple choice to make.

You seem scared to give him an ultimatum? But if he is not a massive idiot he will cave. If he wants to move out to have stupid long showers, maybe a stint living alone is a good thing for him.

Yes, moving out costs money. But it has benefits in terms of development of the self, that can be worth it.

it is absolutely the solution. He lives with you and these are the rules/costs/responsibilities (give him a list, be fair but list everytihng)
or he moves into a house share. And there is zero chance he'll be in the shower longer than 2 minutes.

that is the solution.

I am at no one can tell me exactly how I make any of it happen

You have had loads of people tell you how, by setting a boundary and enforcing it.

Warn him in advance about what will happen and if it continues then unscrew the shower nozzle and take it to work with you.

Before you ask, I have 3 adult children.

This really is a 'non problem' @Bluemuf

You just need an adult to adult chat.

What's the actual issue? Cost of water? Cost of electric or gas to heat the water? Hogging the bathroom if it's the only loo?

If you are on a water meter, being in the shower for 45 mins is just mad.
If you aren' t on a water meter, hogging the bathroom for that long is selfish.

Is he actually in the shower or having a bit of 'solo fun' where he's not disturbed?

If this is a money issue, then you're simply going to have to increase his payments to you and explain why.

If you have a smart meter, maybe show him the cost of a running hot water for 45 mins.

If you want it to change you might have to go the drastic route by doing something like disabling the shower while you are out and cutting off the water after a certain time when you are in to monitor it. He's not going to change otherwise. Please discourage him if he ever talks about moving to a country with a water issue. I like longer showers but they look short compared to this. 45 minutes is ridiculous and there's no excuse for it.

Bluemuf You've asked how many of us responding have olderteens/adult kids. My eldest is 22. When he is living in his place he drinks heavily, takes drugs, swears endlessly and quite a list of other behaviour that Im not ok with. He doesnt do those things here because he knows I wont accept it under this roof. Boundaries etc.

What he does when he is away at his place thats fine, his place, his rules. When he is here (for a day, for a weekend, for 6 months) the rules of this house apply and he respects that.

You need a better extractor fan, which you could ask him to pay for, the fan and installation.

The point is, if he shared a house, I assume his house mates would give him an ear bashing for this behaviour.

I doubt he'd have a place in a shared house for long with that behaviour.

I don't know what you're expecting anyone to say. You've tried everything that people suggest, or won't try some. Entirely your choice. It's now up to him.

(Suggest he leaves his phone in his room is my suggestion FWIW)

What boundary and how do I enforce it when I'm not even in the house let alone the bathroom?

So make it more expensive. If he would consider £10 a minute cheap, make it £100 per minute (or whatever level makes the point). And insist on it. Its unlikely you'll need to more than once if the first payment "hurts" enough - as long as he knows that you mean it and that yes a second payment will be required if he does it again.

If you leave for work, early, how do you know how long he is in the shower?

Makes no sense @Bluemuf

Surely if he opens the window when he's in there, it won't get damp.

I'm not sure what your gripe is.

The condensation? That's a house issue to sort out- open the window, leave it open for an hour or all day. Get proper bathroom paint if it's peeling- paint shouldn't peel.

Cost? Is the shower electric or running off the central heating system? How is the water heated up?

I’d have another more serious conversation about costs and, if still no change, potentially charge (more) lodge if you don’t already so he feels it in his pocket. That usually does the trick when people behave selfishly.

It’s ridiculous. What on earth is he doing in there for this long? I’d feel faint. Even when I need one of those rarer showers where I put a deep conditioner on, exfoliate etc and need to shave everywhere after weeks of not doing so(!), it still takes me about 15 minutes maximum. An every day shower for me, even with a hair wash of very long tangled hair, is less than 10 minutes. 5 without the hair wash.

He must be very entitled and frankly unpleasant if he refuses to listen to you. Either you’re a doormat or he is so wildly disrespectful that you cannot insist that he changes his ways. If it’s the later chuck him out. If it’s the former you need to work on your assertiveness.