Adult children and use of the shower

[Bluemuf]

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

If you think grief is behind this, can't that be part of your conversation with him?

What is stopping you sitting down with him and telling him how upset his behaviour makes you? And maybe then, gently, you can suggest it may be linked to grief and he might be helped by some counselling.

Has he had an support after his Dad died?

If you focus on the fact that you (appear) to have a good loving relationship, YET he refuses to toe the line with his showers, and it's hurtful behaviour, would that help?

I do wonder if he's watching porn and is addicted, and using the shower time to masturbate (and is doing both as a means of displacing his feelings over his dad.)

How do you know how long he's taking in the shower if you're rarely there when he is showering?

Is it just from the amount of condensation?

Do as someone early on recommended and lower the water temperature. It will stop the shower producing so much steam and will likely make him hurry up.

People seem to think just telling him should be enough

Because it should be. What more do you want people to tell you? He should listen when you tell him. If he refuses to do so, your next option is to set consequences. You could try increasing his rent instead of telling him he'll have to move out if he doesn't stop, but that won't fix the damage. There isn't anything you can do except be harsher with him.

But yes, telling him firmly should be enough.

Oh, OP, bless you for being so naive.

There's only one reason a 22 year old living with his mum is spending 45 minutes in the shower: so he can have a wank in private.

Of course he does the same thing again the next day - when he needs another wank!

Well, I think you need to look more deeply at this. Because otherwise it makes no sense.

A lovely young man, recently lost his dad, is doing something that really irks his mum. No amount of asking him to change works. He even offers to pay for the damage to the room, as a means of making him feel better (and in control.)

This to me seems all about him controlling you OP.

Maybe it's the only thing left in his life he can control after the shock of losing his dad. Or he's 'hitting out ' at you in anger.

Or, as I said earlier, if he only does this to your knowledge when you are at home, it looks as if he's seeking privacy in the bathroom as he needs that space (with his phone) possibly for porn and masturbation. When you are out he may do those in his room. Obviously a forceful shower hides some of the noise.

I could be completely wrong, but it just comes over as passive aggressiveness and teenage rebellion from a young man who's got some things to resolve.

Won't stop the 45 min showers but get yourself a karcher window vac and get him to use it on the tiles, shower screen and any other flat surface after every shower. Much faster at getting rid of all that excess moisture and won't need dehumidifier as much.

Could you ask him not to take his phone in the bathroom if that's what's distracting him, or to not switch the shower on until he is actually about to get in it. The shower 'warming up' takes seconds not minutes and doesn't need switching on if he's taking a shit first.

When you are there can you bang on the bathroom door after10 mins and tell him to hurry up.

I think I would

@Bluemuf

do you take the money he offers OP?

it not, why not?

I'm at a loss as to what advice you want op. Every "solution" offered is as you know, unenforceable, and any ultimatum issued is worthless as you won't carry it out yourself. So if it's a problem that you cannot stop or solve and which will continue to cause damage then you need to accept that money he's offering to rectify the damage he's causing. Unless you can continually afford to do that your self and would prefer he keep his money- in which case, you need to stop caring so much.

There aren't other options. Stop caring. Take his money. That's it within the parameters you've set yourself (no chucking out, no timers will works etc)

I take long showers, sometimes I find the only thing that really helps reset me.
Perhaps after his loss this is what ds needs.

I do think there must be some issues with the bathroom if with windows open, dehumidifier working it cannot manage to cope.

Although I agree a window vacuum might help manage the condensation.

get yourself a karcher window vac and get him to use it on the tiles, shower screen and any other flat surface after every shower

Yes, agree. I do this and it sucks a lot of moisture off the tiles.

As for your son, hmmm... I do find his attitude to it a bit glib. Not sure what the answer is if there's no technical way of limiting his shower time remotely. Is the boiler in a cupboard? Put a lock on it and switch it off/turn it down (no idea if that's OK!) before you leave. If you're in the house when he's showering then it should be as simple as knocking on the door and saying "time's up" after 10 mins.

How about this? https://www.lcigb.com/acqua-tempus
It says it is suitable for mixer showers and not electric ones so might work for you, not cheap though.
I can sympathize, though with my DD it was long, deep baths. She has now moved out but only has a shower at her new place so still comes here for a bath occasionally 🤦‍♀️

You're not prepared to ask him to leave over this. He knows it. You can't enforce the boundary because you won't draw it. So you've made your choice. Live with it.

Every time you chat about it he says he understands, is sorry and will do better. It's words. Words are easy to say. If they're not backed up with matching behaviour, they're meaningless.

You say he never says he's entitled to anything and yet each morning he says with his behaviour "I disagree with your opinion and I don't care how you feel about this bathroom issue, I'm going to do what I want regardless. I'll pay you more money if you want but I'm not going to stop" and you choose to put up with it.

So, put up with it then and stop moaning. You're asking us for a solution that doesn't exist.

He's not warming up the shower meaning the water temperature coming out. He's warming up the shower meaning heating the room with steam so when he undresses and is in and out of the water as he washes, the body parts without water on them at that moment aren't getting cold. He's prioritising his comfort over your feelings. If you don't accept that, you're going to have to ask him to leave. There are no other answers.

I don’t think you can solve this one. Can you get him to manage it better eg by using one of those window vac things to get rid of the excess water? Or even a tea towel?

sounds as if he’s a lovely person to live with aside from this, so essentially it’s a case of finding a way to deal w the material damage this habit causes!

Sorry but all of the 'gadgets' posters are suggesting is missing the point.

This is a 22 year old man. There is no need to install devices to control the water temperature, how long the shower runs for, or whatever.

I asked @Bluemuf if he has ever been to uni and lived away from home? (Or been to uni and lived at home-whichever.)

Because if he had, he'd know he was taking the piss now with his Mum. No flat mates would put up with this or a landlord if he was ruining a bathroom with steam.

OP I'd ask you to consider how you might react if his dad was still around. Are you being too lenient as you feel sorry for him now? And, if he did the same when his dad was alive, what does that tell you? That maybe he's not the wonder boy you make out.

It's all a bit odd, because some of us are really amazed that even with windows open, fans on, dehumidifiers chugging away, the bathroom is still wet. The only time my walls show a hint of being wet is when it's bloody freezing outside and the heating is on low.

AND if he only takes 45 mins when you are in the house...well, I think we've explained why that is!

😉

What are you going to do the next time he does this?

His Dad didn't manage to solve the problem either and he did a lot of shouting about it.

I think we all know what he’s doing in there 🤣

Yup. This is a good suggestion. My DC (male) is a few years younger but we are also starting to get the very long showers. I have a hot water tank and everyone in the family needs to be able to get a hot shower in the morning. I leave my water timer on for 2 hours, but the full tank can't reheat that quickly.

If that's all he does wrong and he's good company, pulls his weight and contributes I wouldn't have a problem.

With our plumbing all you would have to do is run the hot water downstairs..........

So, he's just got home after doing a 12 hour shift covering for absence.

He's apologised for this morning and offered to do the cleaning required after the plumber was here, on his day off tomorrow. He's sat and chatted with me while he ate the dinner his brother cooked. Then made a point of going and telling him how good it was and cleared up the kitchen

Spoiled and entitled?

Ive not read the full thread op however there is a showerhead called Hydrao something or the other that turns red after a certain time the idea is that it shows the people they are using water. Often people who waste time like this simply forget and zone out but the red light helps with this by changing the environment. so that may be worth looking into?

Hi there,

I have just joined because I keep getting pushed these chats via Facebook and for the first time I thought I might be able to help. I haven’t read all of the replies so sorry if this has been covered already.

For context I am a father of two younger kids with wife, but I have been a 20s male living at home, and I have a mother who I love who I lived with at this age, and sadly a dead dad.

I thought I’d start with some suppositions and then my suggestions of what you could do.

Suppositions:

• he is probably wanking in the shower
• he does probably start the shower before he starts taking a shit
• he probably watches porn on his phone
• he probably doesn’t want anyone to hear any of the above
• he probably doesn’t open the window because he doesn’t want anybody to hear the soundtrack of the porn, or him shitting.
• he probably doesn’t want to talk to you about any of the above
• he probably wants to be super clean after his shower - after a wank it takes a while for all the spunk to come out, so if you don’t want a slimy penis you need to wait, and then wash more
• at age 20 you want to be ready for every opportunity, and to be super clean
• he possibly just loves a long shower - like a hobby, or a spa day? This is fine if it doesn’t affect you and no worse environmentally than a flight

Things you could do. There are many good suggestions so I’m only adding some silly ones.

• I wonder if he has a girlf/boyriend? If so it might be because he wants to perform and therefore ‘cleans the pipes’ beforehand, then be super clean. If so then good on him, and he’ll probably grow out of it.
• him offering to fix the problems with the bathroom doesn’t cover the time when it’s out of action, so you could raise that and ask him to cover that for the family with spa access during maintenance periods
• he might be better off finding a girl/boyfriend after moving out? He probably wants this and might need a push to take the next step.

@Bluemuf sounds like you need to sort your bathroom ceiling out as a practical step #1. It probably has never had a chance to dry out properly in its entirety before being repainted, hence the peeling starting so quickly again.

Ask him to buy a Karcher window vac and use it on the walls and mirror, there's a lot less condensation to deal with.