Adult children and use of the shower

[Bluemuf]

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

Sorry no solution to offer. Just wanted to sympathise...I have two sons 17 and 18 and I can't believe how long they spend in the shower-I can be in and out in ten minutes!

Get a shower clock with timer. Available cheap online.

that is what we had to do when we had a tween who could easily spend over an hour in the shower daydreaming and postponing bedtime.

I'd unscrew the shower hose and tell him to run a bath instead.

I shampoo, put the conditioner on then wash myself while the conditioner is on and then rinse it off last with the body wash. Can’t wait with the shower off, brrrr 🥶

OP why do you want him to stop?

You say it’s normally when you aren’t home, so he isn’t hogging the bathroom when other people need it. And he’s prepared to pay to cover the costs.

So why not work out what it’s costing - both the extra energy and a fair proportion of the cost to renovate the bathroom properly, averaged out over a couple of years - and let him know that’s how much extra rent he needs to pay if he really wants those long showers. He clearly loves it. If he’s prepared to pay for it, does it really have to be something that you ask him to give up?

He obviously has a ‘thing’ about water and enjoys himself in there 😁

Most teenage boys suddenly find that they like showers 🚿 and yours likes them a lot!

I used to have this problem but decided it was a battle that wasn’t worth fighting. Even if he did have shorter showers, what would it achieve?

Life is so much better for me when I just accept other people as they are. If you still want to get angry at something go to the gym and get it
out of your system there.

OP, you've been really defensive here.

I can see why is frustrating to you. However, there are only simple solutions:

1. As you have done, you explain to your DS that it is an issue & discuss how he is going to remedy his behaviour.

You say he's a model son, a helpful & responsible young man. He sounds like he is. In this instance though, he isn't being and he needs to address this. There's no other easy answer - if he's the lovely son you say he is, then he needs to address this with you

1. There's something wrong if that length of shower is causing so much damage despite more than adequate ventilation. There are 4 of us in my house & in the evenings after training / sport, the shower is easily in use for that time, in a less ventilated space than yours, with no paint peeling etc.

In short re your DS, there is nothing else you can do, it's down to him. Re the bathroom, discuss with the plumber you had in.

From his perspective;

he is willing to pay for water
he is willing to clean up after himself
he is willing to make good damage

perhaps he smooths over your feelings (a not uncommon dynamic with thoughtful children and their mothers) and continues because he genuinely doesn’t see why he shouldn’t continue? If he’s co-operative in every other way then that would make sense.

looking at it that way, either his perspective is reasonable and there is no long term harm done, or you need to be clearer with what you perceive the harm to be and reassure him that he can openly debate and disagree with you in a respectful way and you will be alright.

Everyone has suggested the adult way to deal with it, which is talking to him and him respecting your wishes.

the crazy way to solve it and which shouldn’t happen in a household living with normal people is the following:

you put a lock in the bathroom door and lock it when you leave in the morning.
he’s only allowed to shower when you’re in the house in the evening and you switch off the boiler after 10 minutes.

again. This is a stupid solution and no way to live your life, but if he doesn’t respect your wishes/rules like a normal person would, I cannot see another option other than treating him like a stubborn toddler who needs constant supervision.

As I type this I think you’re just going to reply saying he’s good at picking locks and it’ll drive me mad.

Sounds like he deserves his long hot showers at the moment, and he's obviously willing to pay for it.
Could he arrange and pay to have a super extractor fan fitted?
Showers in gyms etc. are running all day long so it must be possible to deal with this issue on a practical level.

@Bluemuf - He obviously sees massively long showers as his only indulgence, and one he feels he deserves given all the other things he does right. A large part of you clearly thinks that, too, to a certain extent! So, telling him he should respect you more will only go so far, as he just shows he respects you more in other ways, then continues with his special treat.

To be honest, though, despite all you are doing to try and reduce the condensation, having to close the big window in the bathroom not long after showering because people are going out to work, even if there is an extractor fan, dehumidifier and some other crack of ventilation, is a massive issue given the amount of condensation. We have to keep a window open in our bathroom for hours after a shower, or you rapidly see condensation settling again. We therefore shower at night, before bed, and leave a small window open all night - so no showers if going out straight after. Could he at least leave his self-indulgent showers to a time when the window can be left open for longer?

Another issue, of course, is the environmental harm caused by massively long showers. He is taking clean, treated water for granted, but that instantly available, continuous supply of water comes at an environmental, not just a financial cost - and it is not just the bathroom environment he is harming! Our waterways, reservoirs and aquifers are already under massive stress, and people’s water use has an impact on all living things that need water in rivers, reservoirs and underground caverns not to run too low, or even to run dry. He needs to think about where all this clean water he is using is being taken from and how it got into our pipes to feed our showers, etc. If we put too much stress on our water resources through selfish, extravagant water use, we are basically killing off some of the other creatures that need access to it. As an obviously thoughtful, kind person, he needs to think about that a bit more.

Finally, I presume you have a water meter? Have you compared your water usage with the average usage for a household of your size? Water companies normally indicate what the norms are for different sized households. You must be using far more than the norm if he has daily, lengthy showers. It is sometimes helpful to see in black and white how phenomenally wasteful of water 45 minute showers are. I never understood the silly campaign years back to get people to shower instead of have a bath, because showers were supposed to be less wasteful of water. They certainly are not if you shower for a long time! Our water bills quite literally doubled for a short while when my children swapped from bathing to showering (until I finally got them to pay more attention to the length of their showers).

If your bathroom can't stand up to this then it needs fixing anyway.

If long showers is the worst thing he's doing, then I think he's doing pretty well!

I love long showers. The warmth and the falling water is meditative. If someone told me that I couldn't have long showers in my own house I would be pretty unimpressed.

Perhaps he can get gym membership, and use the shower facilities there.

Is he single? It might be where he let's off sexual needs, which will be a difficult one to discuss but might explain how long he says in the shower.

I've seen lots of comments here about 10minutes. Well sadly, we should all only spent 2mins in the shower. Water is a luxury that by 2030 we will much better understand this as it becomes even more scarce 😬. Get an egg timer from your water supplier and fix it to the wall, change your shower head so you get the same feeling of power, but the water is aerated so you use less.

Consider coating your paintwork, walls and ceiling to prevent condensation causing damage/mould.

The gym showers aren't warm enough for him.

Your son sounds lovely OP. Honestly I would just let him have his hot showers. Accept his offer of payment and ask him to sort out the damage himself. Maybe a different type of paint would last longer?

Your son sounds lovely as do you. So sorry for your loss.
Have the conversation again with your son, this time focus on what the problem is, agree on what the problem is, then ask him for solutions. After a week have a catch up to review if the solutions are working. He knows it’s a problem, he knows it’s causing you ‘grief’, he wants it to be resolved. Good luck.

I've only read your posts OP - some people suggested removing the shower head/hose. You could do it before you go to work (I'd take it with you!) so he can only shower in the evening when you're home, then you can switch the hot water off after 10 mins or whatever you want to do to cut the shower short then?

I mean, I only read your posts after the first couple of pages to see if there was any mention of why you couldn't remove the shower head.

If he is after a lengthy cleansing experience, has he thought of having a long hot bath instead?

Hey I’ve read your responses and it sounds like you’ve raised a really lovely adult.

Youve said he would be happy to pay the extra, but have you actually taken it off him for it? He might just know you would never actually take the money so will say yes, but the reality of actually paying for it a few months might feel different entirely.

Alternatively you could say after every shower he has to clean all tiles and woodwork down to prevent the issue.

Either that or the drastic solution would be removing the shower and having a bath left only.

Not the best advice I appreciate but can you play an emotional approach? Seems you’ve tried everything else.

Say everything you’ve said to us, with some tears. Seeing a parent cry is always a shock. You love him so much, he’s grown in to such a supportive and, for the most part, respectful man, etc etc, but you don’t know how to handle this point as he keeps disrespecting you and your home. You don’t know why he isn’t listening to you. What can you do to help him.

You’re also really worried about his inability to control himself with this topic - is there something else going on etc etc. When he eventually moves out he needs to have kicked this habit otherwise he’ll get in trouble with landlords or create himself problems in his own properties. Future partners will be less forgiving than you.

Lay it on thick and say you hate having to talk to him like this and about this but you’re sick of it and feel emotionally drained which is ridiculous really given it’s such an easily fixed problem.

God some of the replies on here are insane - would you really throw your hard working model behaviour 22yo son out over having a shower longer than you deem acceptable?!

I really dont understand why you bathroom is rotting from someone having a long shower? There is this magical concept called an extractor fan OP, you should probably install one. There are 6 of us in my house and a lot of the time we will shower one after the other, and my bathroom is not rotting 🤔

@Bluemuf

seems to me this is his one place to rebel.

if he’s otherwise as thoughtful and helpful as you say, supporting you and younger siblings while his father recently died, that’s A LOT.

you say you don’t want to tell him to move out. Maybe he feels he can’t go? That he must stay and support you all rather than focus on his own life and most 20 somethings can do?

I reckon the shower thing is a subconscious rebellion against otherwise being such a ‘good lad’

my own mother was bereaved (sibling died) and had an unhappy marriage. She lent on me a lot while I lived at home.

she’d say I was an easy teenager. But there was lots I felt I couldn’t say and do. We skipped the teenage arguments that air resentments and redraw the relationship as one between two adults.

i did refuse to change some minor things that really annoyed her as some way of expressing some of myself (wasn’t conscious of this at the time)

sounds similar.

are you getting outside suppoet for your grief?

if not I suggest that you do, it may help rebalance things.

i get it’s early days but he will move out sometime.

what emotional work do you need to do to be ready for that?