Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
MountainChalet · 20/05/2023 08:14

If he only starts work at 11am, he could join a gym and shower there before work.

warbrobewarrior · 20/05/2023 08:21

One of these. Like the way showers work at campsites and public swimming pools. I’m always threatening to do this - has anyone tried it? It would have to work wouldn’t it?

Adult children and use of the shower
Iknowthis1 · 20/05/2023 08:24

I put this clock in the shower for the same reason. It really helped speed things up.

Reigateforever · 20/05/2023 08:32

The more he continues in his world, the shorter the time for water shortages in the SE, UK and globally.

Quveas · 20/05/2023 08:33

I know this isn't the point but, how on earth do you spend 45 minutes in a shower wihout turning into a prune?

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 20/05/2023 08:42

Increase his contribution to bills and buy a karcher shower cleaner that he has to use over all the tiles to dry it out after every shower. Adjust the timings on the boiler so theres not as much hot water at that time of day.

123killme456withasackofbricks · 20/05/2023 08:44

The only possible solution would he to estimate how much it'd cost to replace all the wood that's rotting and up his rent by at least £150 a month for the water and electricity charges.

I would check the electric before I went to work and again when I get back to see how much it costs, myself, I have a shower for around 3 or 4 minutes. about the same time as a song and that costs roughly £1 in electricity so he'd be costing around £10 a day in my house for a shower like that.

The only consequence that might get through to his head is money. What does it cost to rent a room in the SE? Maybe up his rent to that? and if you're not charging him rent you're a fool! Adults shouldn't get free rides, it makes them complacent and happy to stay forever.
I moved out at age 17, my brother was 'looking' to move out for years until my parents sold their house, he sofa surfed for about 2 days before he found somewhere he could afford to rent. He was around 25 at this point, loads of young adults don't get the chance to stay at home, don't be fooled by the media, it's totally possible.
Especially as a working adult with no bills or rent to pay.

PhyllisFogg · 20/05/2023 08:44

NumberTheory · 20/05/2023 06:23

OP why do you want him to stop?

You say it’s normally when you aren’t home, so he isn’t hogging the bathroom when other people need it. And he’s prepared to pay to cover the costs.

So why not work out what it’s costing - both the extra energy and a fair proportion of the cost to renovate the bathroom properly, averaged out over a couple of years - and let him know that’s how much extra rent he needs to pay if he really wants those long showers. He clearly loves it. If he’s prepared to pay for it, does it really have to be something that you ask him to give up?

The OP wants him to stop because she says the walls are dripping and the woodwork rotting, and she's having to replace /fix stuff because of the condensation.

No one quite gets how this is happening when she also says he opens the window, and uses an extractor fan, and they use a dehumidifier for an hour as well.

I think the window is not being left open for long enough but she's a bit unclear on that.

HamstersAreMyLife · 20/05/2023 08:45

OhVelma · 19/05/2023 10:27

We had a new shower fitted recently. It automatically turns off after 4 minutes and you can’t immediately turn it back on again.

the kids hate it, but it’s saving money and water and it’s perfectly possible to wash your hair and body in four minutes when you are motivated to do so

This sounds awful! I didn't realise 4 mins was the aim, it takes me 20 mins minimum to wash my hair and its only shoulder length. A quick once over is fine in 4 mins but surely not enough to get properly clean. What am I doing wrong?!

PhyllisFogg · 20/05/2023 08:45

Beautiful3 · 20/05/2023 05:17

I'd unscrew the shower hose and tell him to run a bath instead.

How will that make any difference?

A steaming hot bath, topped up, will still cause condensation.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 20/05/2023 08:50

HamstersAreMyLife · 20/05/2023 08:45

This sounds awful! I didn't realise 4 mins was the aim, it takes me 20 mins minimum to wash my hair and its only shoulder length. A quick once over is fine in 4 mins but surely not enough to get properly clean. What am I doing wrong?!

Show quote history

How can it take 20 mins to wash your hair? It doesnt take that long at a hairdressers? ( I mean obviously it will take longer if you are body shaving etc)

Cocolatte24 · 20/05/2023 08:51

Your son doesn’t respect you. It’s plain and simple. That, or you’re not communicating correctly enough to him/ he’s not listening (but again that’s disrespectful).

It was interesting to read your comment about work being able to ‘do’ something though and your constant requests asking what you can do.. as if you need consequences to force his hand. Does he only ever respond to the stick treatment?

If he respected you, you wouldn’t need consequences.

He doesn’t respect your wishes re: the shower the same way you don’t respect some of the suggestions in the post so I’d say the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Also on issues like this people don’t necessarily need adult DC to input… everyone on this post was a DC of someone in the past and will likely have some experience of this / their siblings from the other perspective and will be projecting what worked with them.
What you’ve read in the preceding posts is people suggesting you talk to him and implying he respects you, which you are clearly acknowledge he doesn’t (on this specific issue).

if someone wants to do something they will. If he wanted to respect you and cut his showers he would.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 08:57

PhyllisFogg · 20/05/2023 08:45

How will that make any difference?

A steaming hot bath, topped up, will still cause condensation.

Show quote history

In my experience, running a shower non-stop for 45 mins creates massively more condensation than a bath, because it uses much more hot water for a start (you could run multiple baths in 45 mins), and a bath only has a small surface area, quite low down in the room, for the water to evaporate off as steam, rather than a constant flow of steamy, hot water coming out from up near the ceiling.

Roussette · 20/05/2023 08:59

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 23:04

So, he's just got home after doing a 12 hour shift covering for absence.

He's apologised for this morning and offered to do the cleaning required after the plumber was here, on his day off tomorrow. He's sat and chatted with me while he ate the dinner his brother cooked. Then made a point of going and telling him how good it was and cleared up the kitchen

Spoiled and entitled?

He sounds like a great lad. I wouldn't worry too much about it, there's lots of practical tips on this thread but I am laughing myself silly at the 'throw him out on the streets' posts!

Obviously from posters who don't have adult DCs. I am just imagining having thrown my DD out at that age for exactly the same thing, a good long time ago. Our relationship would've been fractured forever, just from being too long in the shower!

Bonkers.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 09:05

Cocolatte24 · 20/05/2023 08:51

Your son doesn’t respect you. It’s plain and simple. That, or you’re not communicating correctly enough to him/ he’s not listening (but again that’s disrespectful).

It was interesting to read your comment about work being able to ‘do’ something though and your constant requests asking what you can do.. as if you need consequences to force his hand. Does he only ever respond to the stick treatment?

If he respected you, you wouldn’t need consequences.

He doesn’t respect your wishes re: the shower the same way you don’t respect some of the suggestions in the post so I’d say the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Also on issues like this people don’t necessarily need adult DC to input… everyone on this post was a DC of someone in the past and will likely have some experience of this / their siblings from the other perspective and will be projecting what worked with them.
What you’ve read in the preceding posts is people suggesting you talk to him and implying he respects you, which you are clearly acknowledge he doesn’t (on this specific issue).

if someone wants to do something they will. If he wanted to respect you and cut his showers he would.

He shows his respect in multiple ways. Respect is not the same thing as doing what you are told all the time. He needs to understand why his mother has such a massive issue with the shower, and why being willing to pay the extra costs and do all the necessary repairs is not sufficient.

PhyllisFogg · 20/05/2023 09:09

His Dad didn't manage to solve the problem either and he did a lot of shouting about it.

You posted this yesterday ^^

What shocks me is that even when his dad was ill and dying, your son ignored his wishes.

So he doesn't seem to be the nice son you are saying he is.

And he's not a 'child'. Your subject title is quite telling. Yes, you say 'adult children' - bit it's ONE son not several. And although he's your child, he's 22.

I know you say you have talked and talked to him about this. But as other posters have said, what's your tone and volume in those conversations?

I have the impression you don't get angry, you don't shout, you don't really lay the law down and tell him how selfish he is being and how it upsets you.

I do get the feeling you kind of 'mutter about it' and ask him to stop, but there is no real passion coming from you to get your feelings across.

He can do all the 'nice' stuff you say, but if this ONE thing upsets you so much and he simply won't stop, then it's being downright disrespectful.

You need to up your game.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/05/2023 09:19

You could just accept that really long showers are his thing. His hobby. That he really enjoys long showers.

Increase his rent to cover the extra water bill.cost.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/05/2023 09:21

Also increase his rent to cover the cost of replacing a bathroom over time.

I have really long showers sometimes, and there is no negative effect on the bathroom.

So you might need to replace the bathroom fixtures

Worried1305 · 20/05/2023 09:32

Padlock the bathroom. He can have showers but will have to get up earlier and have them while you are still at home, at which point you can go and boot him out after 5-10 mins. Sorted.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 09:37

PhyllisFogg · 20/05/2023 09:09

His Dad didn't manage to solve the problem either and he did a lot of shouting about it.

You posted this yesterday ^^

What shocks me is that even when his dad was ill and dying, your son ignored his wishes.

So he doesn't seem to be the nice son you are saying he is.

And he's not a 'child'. Your subject title is quite telling. Yes, you say 'adult children' - bit it's ONE son not several. And although he's your child, he's 22.

I know you say you have talked and talked to him about this. But as other posters have said, what's your tone and volume in those conversations?

I have the impression you don't get angry, you don't shout, you don't really lay the law down and tell him how selfish he is being and how it upsets you.

I do get the feeling you kind of 'mutter about it' and ask him to stop, but there is no real passion coming from you to get your feelings across.

He can do all the 'nice' stuff you say, but if this ONE thing upsets you so much and he simply won't stop, then it's being downright disrespectful.

You need to up your game.

Sorry, but I think some people are just control freaks and emotionally abusive and manipulative. It is not helpful or healthy to turn everything into a “respect” argument. You are not necessarily worthy of respect if you shout at people and tell them it’s your way or the highway - that’s just being controlling and abusive, not behaving like someone who deserves respect.

queenMab99 · 20/05/2023 09:41

My son lives with me, he is 47, it is a mutually helpful situation, he separated from his partner, has 2 children, doesn't earn a lot, but this way can financially support his ex and children, and has a decent home to share with the children. I am retired, own the house, and need a little help with upkeep and maintenance. We get along fine, if he is doing anything thoughtless (not closing the fridge properly) which annoys me , I tell him, and it is sorted. I can't understand why, if he is so good in all other ways, and repairs any damage caused, you want to stop him having long showers? However, on the other hand, if it really upsets and distresses you why does such a good lad, as he seems to be, persist? In these situations I would just throw a big screaming wobbler, so that he would want to avoid a repeat.

wildfirewonder · 20/05/2023 09:46

It is not helpful or healthy to turn everything into a “respect” argument. Everything already is a 'respect' discussion (not always argument) because ideally respecting the other person is baked in to every conversation.

If the OP's dying husband got upset, shouted and this still didn't persuade the son to moderate his behaviour, then the situation is pretty weird in some way.

I can't understand what is going on in this family around these bloody showers, but it doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic is being played out.

Hellno45 · 20/05/2023 09:47

I would run the dehumidifier for longer the an hour. I would otherwise leave him alone. Everyone has there vices a 45 minute shower is bad for the environment but it isn't the biggest sin in the world. If he's otherwise a model housemates then I'd leave him be.

Feraldogmum · 20/05/2023 09:51

Work out exactly how much those showers cost and add that to his rent.

wildfirewonder · 20/05/2023 09:54

HamstersAreMyLife · 20/05/2023 08:45

This sounds awful! I didn't realise 4 mins was the aim, it takes me 20 mins minimum to wash my hair and its only shoulder length. A quick once over is fine in 4 mins but surely not enough to get properly clean. What am I doing wrong?!

Show quote history

20 minutes to wash your hair? That's the equivalent of 15 working days each year spent washing your hair Shock

What are you doing to it??