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Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
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winteriscoming2022 · 20/05/2023 09:55

I'm in SE too with adult child at home and no chance of affording their own rent so feel your pain!
I've got a local friend who fostered teens. One used to do the same, leaving no hot water for anyone else. Her husband was a sparkie and put something on the shower that stopped it running after ten minutes

BungleandGeorge · 20/05/2023 09:59

What a miserable life when you can only have 4 minutes in the shower before it shuts off whether you’re finished or not!
I don’t really understand how everything is getting that wet, perhaps he’s not actually ventilating either.
do you think it might be an OCD type behaviour?

PhyllisFogg · 20/05/2023 10:01

@Walkaround Really?
How can you say that?

Everything is based on respect! At home, at work, with friends.
And consideration. That's what's missing.

His behaviour is actually causing damage to the home. And wasting water and costing money.

If a parent tells him 'enough' - you're saying that's the wrong thing to do?

'My way or the highway'? How is that relevant here?

Parisj · 20/05/2023 10:09

I haven't rtft. I think if its important to him and he's a good lad I would make it official, take a bit of money towards the bill, make him responsible for the bathroom being maintained and in a suitable condition for others to use and take the issues caused as an acceptable cost of a family member who enjoys a long shower.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:10

wildfirewonder · 20/05/2023 09:46

It is not helpful or healthy to turn everything into a “respect” argument. Everything already is a 'respect' discussion (not always argument) because ideally respecting the other person is baked in to every conversation.

If the OP's dying husband got upset, shouted and this still didn't persuade the son to moderate his behaviour, then the situation is pretty weird in some way.

I can't understand what is going on in this family around these bloody showers, but it doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic is being played out.

Every discussion is not a “respect” situation, it’s an explanation of your viewpoint and listening carefully to the views of the other person, and not always being able to agree with each other. Demanding respect is demanding someone admire you for your good qualities. Being too polite to tell someone what you really think is not respect. Changing your behaviour because you think someone is being unreasonable but you are too polite or deferential to tell them you think so, is not respect.

I’m not sure the OP even knows her ds’s real viewpoint on this, nor has she expressed any interest in it on here, only on her own opinions on the subject. He clearly would rather have long showers, then pay for the cost and fix any damage. If she wants him to change his behaviour, she needs to find a way of explaining her viewpoint so that he can understand it better, to the extent that he understands the only fix is shorter showers.

JenJuni · 20/05/2023 10:14

It’s warmer now, can he just always have the window wide open?

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2023 10:30

Sorry, but I think some people are just control freaks and emotionally abusive and manipulative. It is not helpful or healthy to turn everything into a “respect” argument. You are not necessarily worthy of respect if you shout at people and tell them it’s your way or the highway - that’s just being controlling and abusive, not behaving like someone who deserves respect.

Not everything is a respect argument - just the things where people are being blatantly disrespectful. And it's not a "respect your elders at whatever cost" thing, it's a "respect the people you share a space with as all adults are expected to" thing.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:35

Except he is respecting everyone else - he’s a model housemate in all but this one respect. His mother is not respecting his desire to have long showers, nor even asking why they are so important to him - that, apparently, is not worthy of respect.

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2023 10:40

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:35

Except he is respecting everyone else - he’s a model housemate in all but this one respect. His mother is not respecting his desire to have long showers, nor even asking why they are so important to him - that, apparently, is not worthy of respect.

Because it's ridiculous. That's an extremely long time in the shower and it's damaging the house. He's not even offering an explanation, he's paying lip service by agreeing to stop it and then carrying on anyway.

He could still have a long shower if he cared enough about the other people in his house to compromise - 25/30 minutes would still be a long shower.

PhyllisFogg · 20/05/2023 10:41

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:10

Every discussion is not a “respect” situation, it’s an explanation of your viewpoint and listening carefully to the views of the other person, and not always being able to agree with each other. Demanding respect is demanding someone admire you for your good qualities. Being too polite to tell someone what you really think is not respect. Changing your behaviour because you think someone is being unreasonable but you are too polite or deferential to tell them you think so, is not respect.

I’m not sure the OP even knows her ds’s real viewpoint on this, nor has she expressed any interest in it on here, only on her own opinions on the subject. He clearly would rather have long showers, then pay for the cost and fix any damage. If she wants him to change his behaviour, she needs to find a way of explaining her viewpoint so that he can understand it better, to the extent that he understands the only fix is shorter showers.

Show quote history

@Walkaround You're playing with semantics. And I think you have a misunderstanding of what 'respect' means'.

It's the OP's home. She's not asking for 'respect' as his mum, per se, (in a 'I am your mother, do as I say') she's asking for respect for the fabric of the building which his behaviour is destroying.

He clearly would rather have long showers, then pay for the cost and fix any damage. If she wants him to change his behaviour, she needs to find a way of explaining her viewpoint so that he can understand it better, to the extent that he understands the only fix is shorter showers.

He may well understand, ( we assume he's intelligent) but choose to ignore.

What's your answer to that?

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2023 10:41

It's like saying she's not respecting his desire to heat the house up by turning the oven on and leaving the door open. Some things are just not a reasonable desire.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:42

@PhyllisFogg - he may well not understand, but be too polite to say.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:44

Of course, you could argue that he is a disrespectful twat who is ruining the house and that his mother is a fool for saying he has been a massive support to her when her husband was dying, helped hold the family together and does a lot around the house to show his care and respect for others. But, tbh, I think you would be the twat.

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2023 10:47

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:44

Of course, you could argue that he is a disrespectful twat who is ruining the house and that his mother is a fool for saying he has been a massive support to her when her husband was dying, helped hold the family together and does a lot around the house to show his care and respect for others. But, tbh, I think you would be the twat.

People can do things that are unacceptable whilst being nice in other ways.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:48

@aSofaNearYou - yes, they can. And calling them disrespectful is not the way to bring them to order.

Thelnebriati · 20/05/2023 10:49

You can't control other people. But you don't have to have them living in your home if their behaviour is unacceptable.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:52

He is clearly nice in many ways and not stupid. If he doesn’t understand why his continuing behaviour is unacceptable, it is not going to be cured by telling him he is disrespectful. There is clearly a reason why this behaviour is so deeply ingrained when in all other areas of his life, he is unusually thoughtful, kind and respectful. There is clearly a lot that is going unsaid in this situation that will not be cured by telling him he lacks respect.

AutumnCrow · 20/05/2023 10:55

If I ended up with the stress of potentially needing to replace a permanently sodden wet bathroom ceiling, I’d be close to @queenMab99’s endpoint:

I would just throw a big screaming wobbler

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2023 10:59

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 10:48

@aSofaNearYou - yes, they can. And calling them disrespectful is not the way to bring them to order.

Why not? Why is that word taboo to you when it accurately describes a person's behaviour?

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 11:07

@aSofaNearYou - because the OP has tried that one, got the t-shirt. He just does more around the house and contributes more in response, and politely says he will try to stop having long showers. He clearly doesn’t really understand that he may be doing serious structural damage - he sees it as cosmetic. She doesn’t seem to have talked much about environmental concerns, only dampness and expense. She also hasn’t mentioned whether they have checked whether the extractor fan works properly. The entire focus is on him having to radically change ingrained behaviour that has gone on for many years without the house falling down. There has been no apparent discussion around compromise, or other ways to reduce his water consumption, or gradually reduce it. He’s just supposed to stop a habit of a lifetime.

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2023 11:11

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 11:07

@aSofaNearYou - because the OP has tried that one, got the t-shirt. He just does more around the house and contributes more in response, and politely says he will try to stop having long showers. He clearly doesn’t really understand that he may be doing serious structural damage - he sees it as cosmetic. She doesn’t seem to have talked much about environmental concerns, only dampness and expense. She also hasn’t mentioned whether they have checked whether the extractor fan works properly. The entire focus is on him having to radically change ingrained behaviour that has gone on for many years without the house falling down. There has been no apparent discussion around compromise, or other ways to reduce his water consumption, or gradually reduce it. He’s just supposed to stop a habit of a lifetime.

Yes, sometimes we do have to stop habits that are harmful.

It isn't that hard, he's not a kid.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 11:16

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2023 11:11

Yes, sometimes we do have to stop habits that are harmful.

It isn't that hard, he's not a kid.

Show quote history

I don’t think you understand habits!

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 11:17

Easier to stop when you’re a kid, too.

GrinAndVomit · 20/05/2023 11:17

@Walkaround everything hinges on mutual respect. Imagine a world where we didn’t consider anyone else and we did what ever we wanted with complete disregard for the damage being done.
OP’s son is disrespectful of her and her home.
I’m sure he’s perfectly nice in other areas, but when it comes down to it, he continues to do something, despite being asked by his mother not to (in her home) and which causes damage to that home.
Complete selfish disregard for her and, yes, disrespectful.

Walkaround · 20/05/2023 11:19

@GrinAndVomit - mutual respect. Exactly. The OP respects her son more than internet randoms who preach about respect do.