Worst mistake you ever made - regrets ?

[Kay286]

What’s the worse mistake you ever made ? Or things you would go back and change and in life ?
I’ll go first ! I met a guy on holiday when I was 19 , supposed to be a holiday fling only … I ended up moving 400 miles away from my parents to be near him. Pregnant 7 months later and he turned out to be a absolute waster and an alcoholic narcissist.
I got out when my daughter was 3 and as it turned out my life has shaped up pretty amazing !!….. but boy if I could have a word with my 19 year old self I would ! It’s meant I’ve spent my whole life not living close to my mum and I’ve made peace with it now but it does make me sad. I also constantly feel guilty I gave my daughter such a shit father which had a horrible impact on her life for a long time.

I met my husband when she was 3 and he is an amazing dad to her and we have a great life now so I do wonder if it’s destiny but I was so silly !

Mistakes and regrets, where to start!
My exH is the biggest one.

Fucking up my education in college by dropping out and working in a supermarket for years;

Insisting on a stupidly expensive non-essential purchase a few years ago, putting us into debt we're only just clearing now;

Not learning to drive until my early 30s.

Tbh there are loads more but it's depressing to write them all down.

I regret missing my chance to get on the property ladder in my 20s, because it was so much harder and more expensive at almost 50. I regret wasting over two years at a job I hated, when I could tell at the interview that it would be rubbish. I also regret not getting my binge eating under control. as my weight has held me back a little.
The only other things I regret are things I said and did that caused hurt to other people. Everything else was just a means of getting to where I am now, and I wouldn't want to change too much about my life at the moment.

Not taking opportunities that were offered because I was scared of failure. I should have just grasped the nettle and done the lot.
Not marrying Mr Right For Me when he asked me. 37 years later and I still think what a tool I was for saying no.

I actually have no really big regrets, as even the things that were so painful and difficult at the time eventually led me to better things. Ahd I have done some stupid and embarrassing things but generally harmed no-one but myself in the process, and learned through making these mistakes.

But, shallow as it may seem, I do regret being so keen to get out of my first marriage without unpleasantness and conflict that I just left nearly all of our shared stuff for him to keep when I left. This included lots of very nice and expensive furniture, art, carpet, ornaments etc, which we had collected over a period of nearly twenty years, from all over the world. I know it's only "stuff", and in the end it doesn't matter, but I sometimes feel really annoyed with myself for not taking my share. I left with one small "man and a van" of my things, plus my cat. He kept a four-bedroomed houseful of really nice belongings.

I regret not realising that I had ADHD as a teen, I had so much potential but was 'lazy' and disorganised with no self-discipline. I self-sabotaged and had zero self-esteem. Moving into my 20ies I aced every interview I had as I am eloquent and sparky and very bright, but as soon as I started any job the above issues kicked in and I just couldn't focus. I always moved on while still well thought of, because my restlessness was always looking for more. I'm privately educated and well-spoken, and that got me a long way despite massive imposter syndrome.

I regret a boyfriend I had in my early twenties who I never actually fancied, I just didn't have the balls to turn him down when he first tried it on with me and then he was away a lot and I was never brave enough to finish it. He was horrible in so many ways, emotionally and borderline sexually abusive. He had been a virgin when we met and his only sexual knowledge was quite hardcore porn. I could never live up to that. I was really quite attractive and slim at a 10/12, but he thought of me and referred to me as fat and the remains of my self-worth evaporated. I've never had the discipline to curb my impulsive eating so I never recognised how slim and lovely I was and did nothing to protect and maintain that figure.

I'm 42 now, and a size 18. I'm still objectively attractive, but the knowledge that I could have been so much more in all aspects of my life is a regret.

I don't regret much else though, I've ended up happily married to a lovely man with a nice life and 3 great kids. I could have been more, but I have to find peace with that.

I also regret not answering the phone to a friend in my late teens, she was stood on a rooftop at the time. I know that the end result would have been the same eventually, but still.

Where and what I studied for A-level - it left me really down- and damaged my self image and made me feel there was something wrong with me which impacted next decade but it wasn't a completely free choice and I learnt from it. It made it easier to ignore influences for degree and also gave me confidence to get diagnosed with dyslexia later on.

I got where I wanted to go met DH there - and later on went to OU and studied what I'd have liked to do at A-level.

First house we bought - though again our choice was constrained and we made best choice we could and we moved on to better eventually after some very tough years.

In my 30s with young kids did feel like I should have travelled more and live it up a bit more but we were only financially sable because I had worked and saved but that pasted with age.

Not buying that flat in 1998 for 18k, instead I bought a brand new car (which has probably long rusted to pieces). Same flat sold last year for £400k. Big mistake, huge.

Running up so much debt that I had to be made bankrupt and I lost my house. The mortgage would have been paid off now and I'd have something decent to leave to my daughter.

Going back to a very toxic, manipulative girlfriend after splitting up once. Luckily we split up 'properly' a year or so later.

Yes, also wish I had learnt to drive at 17 also.

I lost a dear friend because I lied to her. I had known her for nearly a decade and known and looked after her kids since they were babies (the eldest practically all through primary school). She cut me off completely despite my attempts to apologise (and that’s completely her right) and I deeply miss her and the children. The eldest will be 18 next year and I am sorry to have missed his adolescence. If I had known this would be the consequence I never would have lied to her but I panicked in the moment. Saying that, even if I had told her the truth outright I think she still would have cut me off. But I deeply regret the loss of her friendship.

Not taking the opportunity to leave my marriage when my 'D'H did something truly awful and I could have walked. I had two small children at the time and it felt too big a thing. It's 10 years on and we're still together but I regret it all the time.

Putting on weight.

Not realising that I could have studied to become a librarian - I loved helping in the school library at Secondary school, and looking back, I think that being a librarian would have been my perfect career.

But if I hadn't taken the path I did (nursing, then theatre nursing, and then on to university to do a degree in music and politics) I'd never have met dh, and wouldn't have three lovely sons, one lovely DIL and a granddaughter - so I can't regret that choice.

I should have left my exH sooner, although I did leave pretty sharpish.
I vaguely regret waiting to go to Uni until I was mature student… but then I was child rearing, so not really.
I wish I'd gone off to India in a busload of hippies when I was invited.
I regret losing a couple of friendships.
I wish I'd been a better mother.

No major regrets but I sometimes wonder what had happened if I had made different choices. I was tempted to study drama at 18 in Trinity and sometimes wonder where it might have brought me. I ended up teaching and I still am but I'm happy enough with it. In some ways I'm a 'glass is half full' type person, so I try to see the best in it. If I hadn't become a teacher, I wouldn't have my husband and children, so it's been good. I made a few bad relationships and bad decisions but I don't beat myself up over them. I had a toxic person in my family growing up and mental health difficulties, so I think I did OK in the circumstances.

Accepting the offer of a lift home - 17 years old naively not thinking it was a risk because he was part of our extended friendship group.

Breaking a confidence - young me naively thought I was doing it for the right reasons but it caused a lot of hurt and subsequent consequences which I still think about 30 years later and regret.

Those are the two biggies and my real regrets. Lots of little "I wish" - I had bought house earlier as I would have saved A LOT of cash, I hadn't had a relationship with someone etc - but as someone above said you need to live and learn.

I should have left STBXH years ago instead of waiting until I found out about his multiple infidelity in a way which wrecked my mental health. It would have been hard when the kids were small but it’s immeasurably harder now I’m closing in on 50 and have cancer.

Studying the subject that school recommended, instead of what I wanted to study

And then staying in that job, despite hating it, because people told me that most people don't love their job and just do it to pay bills

But, I do love what I do now. It just took a while to get there

Hah, ironically my biggest regret (when I indulge in such things, mostly I can stump all my if only regrets with "well if you hadn't/had done that instead, you wouldn't have your DDs" and I'm all better) was NOT running off into the sunset with the guy I met on holiday at 19! I still think he could have been the one, God knows why as (a) we hardly knew each other really despite years of correspondence and (b) I don't even believe in The bloody One. But I still think about him, even if only fleetingly, almost every day, almost 5 years since he got married, almost 10 years since we last spoke to each other, almost 20 years since we first met. It's insane. So we can both be the flip side to each others' regrets! 😂

Never too late to kick the wanker to the kerb. Do you really want to be caring for him when he's old?

I could have written that word for word.

From my objective view I think you did the right thing. You're with a spouse you adore and cherish - that's rarer than you might think. If you had spent it on property not education, you might not be the higher earner now (you say you're in academia so I assume you spent it on post-graduate qualifications) so it may be swings and roundabouts. It would certainly have been a mistake to marry a rich man you didn't love for his money.

Leaving my ex DH, having a 'fling' with my first ever BF, thinking how fun we were back together, bought him a car because, why not, he liked that car. Then realised he was still a kid, immature and annoying, and left him. Now in a very happy relationship but I regret spending that money.

So many things.

Not taking the evidence if my step father's rapes to the police at the time when I had physical evidence to have him prosecuted. I didn't think anybody would believe me.

How different life might have been if I had been taken away from my abusive family as a child and had help and a safe home instead of living in terror for years and then having to support myself from 16 onwards.

Not being diagnosed with autism and ADHD until my 30s. I could have achieved so much more and suffered much less with self-understanding. Not that I could have done anything to make this happen so not a regret of mine as such, just a sadness. Not thinking more about what I actually enjoyed and studying/ making a career from that instead of one I have to force myself to do.

Not having much harsher boundaries with people and more self-respect. Not realising that I deserved respect and love and cutting off certain family members who had been complicit in abuse much earlier. Should have got trauma therapy much earlier in life and no resorted to very unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Terrible choice of husband and the impact that will have on my children forever that I try to compensate for but can't, of course. If I had got therapy earlier maybe I could have avoided him. Paying off his six figure gambling debts for him was also a mistake. In fact getting married at all was a huge mistake, worst financial decision ever and never again. No idea why I thought marrying wasa good idea, to anyone. Many other disastrous financial decisions due to undiagnosed autism and ADHD and untreated trauma. Too much impulsive behaviour, or me just not understanding people's nefarious intentions and taking them at face value.

I've let far too many people treat me terribly. Never again.

Ultimately though it is all a learning curve. I am trying to design a life now that works better for me and to ensure DCs will have a very different experience: early diagnosis of their autism and proper support, a stable home with just me, no step-parents. Focus on work/ life balance and save lots for early retirement, try to pay off mortgage early, happy experiences and memories. No reliance ever again on anybody, but close relationships with a few wonderful friends. Simple and stress-free life and a home full of affection and happiness.