Worst mistake you ever made - regrets ?

[Kay286]

What’s the worse mistake you ever made ? Or things you would go back and change and in life ?
I’ll go first ! I met a guy on holiday when I was 19 , supposed to be a holiday fling only … I ended up moving 400 miles away from my parents to be near him. Pregnant 7 months later and he turned out to be a absolute waster and an alcoholic narcissist.
I got out when my daughter was 3 and as it turned out my life has shaped up pretty amazing !!….. but boy if I could have a word with my 19 year old self I would ! It’s meant I’ve spent my whole life not living close to my mum and I’ve made peace with it now but it does make me sad. I also constantly feel guilty I gave my daughter such a shit father which had a horrible impact on her life for a long time.

I met my husband when she was 3 and he is an amazing dad to her and we have a great life now so I do wonder if it’s destiny but I was so silly !

Gosh this thread is so sad, I can feel the pain and grief coming off the page, it's choked me up.

My biggest regret is my horribly abusive childhood which has shaped my whole life in myriad damaging ways, but I wasn't responsible for that and I have worked very hard to overcome and mitigate the mental health effects, so I don't blame myself for it.

But I do blame myself for letting my chronic severe anxiety and depression get in the way of maintaining so many great friendships with wonderful people, and losing them all. I miss so many good people every single day.

I regret not saying 'fuck off' a lot more, and allowing myself to be bullied by jealous bitter women in the workplace and in my social life.

I also regret not reporting it/taking things a lot further when I was sexually harassed by men at work. (1980s and 1990s.) I thought no-one would believe me, and I never told anyone.

I regret allowing myself to get fat - and stay fat. I am in my late 50s now. Been a size 16 or more for over 20 years now. Wish I had slimmed down to the size I was in my 20s and early 30s, (I gained about 3 and a half stone over 3-4 years in my mid to late 30s, and never lost it.) I was a size 10-12 and 9 - to 9 and a half stone. Now I struggle to stay under 13 stone!

My biggest regret is dropping out of a very prestigious dance college at 16. I'd danced practically every day of my life till then, and loved it. I then moved schools, hated the new one, and left after half a term. Never danced again. I genuinely think if I'd been a year older I would have been ok and stuck it out - or even after A levels I could have gone to a different studio.

I 'regret' it but I have made my peace with it. I'm happy with my life now.

I regret doing a crappy higher education course. It was in a subject that I enjoyed but after a week I knew the qualification wasn’t worth having. I didn’t have the confidence to leave so I stayed for the complete three years. Luckily, I was able to put things right by studying for an OU degree as soon as I had a job. I’m retired now, but I never used that qualification in my working life.

I made sure that my now adult DC all got proper well regarded professional qualifications for their work, so at least I learned from my mistake!

1, I didn't learn to drive
2, I didn't go to uni
3, I had kids without being financially secure
4, one of those kids was badly injured on my watch.

I think those are the main ones. I'm trying to fix things now, but it's so blood hard and I wonder if I'll get there.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush haha how funny ! Mine was 20 years ago … maybe it will make you feel better thinking it could have turned out like mine ! As you say though I can’t regret it completely I wouldnt have had my dd and I do think it paved the way for my life now and I wouldn’t have met my now husband so it all happens for a reason ?! But I do look back and think I was so young and naive and stupid !
I still feel guilty for leaving my parents so young and never living just down the road … and never found my way back.

Do you regret having them or not having any?

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

You weren't responsible for their feelings, discomfort or squabbles, and you're still not responsible for them. If any of them said anything to make you regret the table plan they were in the wrong. It was your wedding, and they were your guests, they should be able to muddle through like grown ups for one day of their lives!

So many poor choices as a teen determined to fit in and used lies, sex, drinking, smoking and weed to try to do it.

I regret all the wine I drunk while home alone because it's what grown ups do.

I see a counsellor now and he's really helping me work through all the crap that I still hold on to.

1. Married my children's father. I don't regret the relationship or the children coming from it. However, I wish I hadn't married him, even though a prenuptial agreement was in force so there has been no wars over money. I never wanted to marry anyone and felt I was pressured into it to ensure he got a settlement visa. He has some difficult mental health issues and I left an abusive marriage a very different person (i.e. angry, frustrated, and cynical about all men).
2. Having surgery that led to life changing injuries and paralysis. The surgery was life saving so didn't have a choice. I wish I had done my research on surgeons and not accepted the first one offering the procedure on the NHS. He has since been 'retired' from the NHS as there were other cases as well.

Didn’t manage diabetes correctly, ended up on ventilator in a comma for weeks. Massively terrible time with lasting affects. Awful that I did caused huge stress my my family and then fiancé.

Taught me how to control better, I’ve had two beautiful children and am much healthier now. So while it was a terrible event, maybe I needed a kick up the ass on it.

Also, I got really skinny being in a coma for a while and my wedding was eight months afterwards. I may have felt terrible and was on crutches but I look good in the pictures. 😂

Thank you @musixa for the gentle advice and reframing of my situation. Yes I spent the money on a masters and phd (I had scholarships but still had high living expenses in London and costs associated with the PHD, equipment, tutoring etc).

Your words have allowed me to count my blessings, I love my partner and my son. I find coming from a privileged background to not having the security of homeownership at my age tough, but it’s hopefully not permanent. But as you say, I love my partner, and I didn’t love my wealthier boyfriends.

I hear you, these are my exact regrets too x

Couple of them - although I will preface by saying my life now is amazing and wouldn't be at this point without my past.

1. Failed my A-levels (well as good as) and rather than following advice of careers officer and going for veterinary nursing training, I went to do a science degree. Have had some amazing experiences, but as I no longer work in science it would have been a wonderful career path.
2. Got engaged to the first guy that had ever shown an interest, and stayed engaged to him throughout my first degree. Really spoiled my uni experience and he was so NOT the one. Fortunately I got the opportunity to relive my student days unfettered when I went back to do my doctorate and I made the most of it then. Still a lot of what ifs though.

Nothing, everything I did whether good or bad makes me who I am. What ifs just make you feel worse about yourself.

Staying with the love of my life even when I knew she didn't love me back; made us both miserable in the long run.

Oh lots, how much time have you got

Gave up college because my father was unwell. Should have stuck with it, will never have the career I wanted.

Left home at 18 and lived with someone 11years older. It didn't work out. Should have stayed home and stuck at college.

Wasted myself and my health working 70hrs a week in work that doesn't suit my character.

Had children but in truth was never really cut out for it. But made the best of it, and put everything into it. No savings and no career.

Got educated at 40, good degree but wasted it because could not make "big girl decisions" so again stuck doing a job I'm good at, but stressed by.

Remarried, DH is gorgeous but difficult. Very romantic, emotional, caring but god does he talk. He's never quiet. In retrospective I'd be more content with an introvert like me.

Move house to DHs home town. Very pretty, very arty, very liberal but now over run with posh hippies campaigning to ban cars and dig up the roads. It's beautiful but it's miserablebin equal measure.

Most of all I regret not making big riskier decisions and the fact I've never had the confidence to push myself.

So many things. Letting my bf die, losing custody of my kids, that first drug/drink. Letting the abuse go on to long before asking for help , being arrested, being sectioned, running away, hurting others with my actions and pushing people away.

Not calling the police about an abuser I knew. Otherwise, leaving school at 16

I have a sliding doors moment. I wish I could change things and see what life would be like but also I would never do it as I love my life now. When I was 18 and at uni I met a lovely guy. From the first day I met him I felt an odd magnetism to him that I have never felt before/after. I just knew I wanted to be his friend and was fascinated by him. We instantly clicked and, although we liked none of the same things, we had the same energy and got on so well. We were best friends and it progressed to more and we began sleeping together and spending all our time together. However we did not use "gf/bf" labels but also did not see anyone else so were essentially together. Looking back I treated him like he was temporary and more a friend. One day I informed him I was going travelling and left the following month. He was devastated and didn't properly speak to me for a few years. I was too busy having fun to care to be honest, I was extremely selfish and young. After a year travelling I met my ex and we had children pretty quickly and bought a house together. Sadly that relationship didn't last (but we co parent well and are good friends). Few years passed and I moved back to my uni town and, through mutual friends birthdays and wedding parties, started bumping into uni-guy again. He had not had a serious relationship since me and no children. We started as friends and I apologised and, looking back, realised how dismissive I had been of him and how I treated him like our relationship didn't matter. Eventually the friendship ended in us being together. We were friends/together for 4 years and he never met my DC and we did not discuss living together. I liked things the way they were with him and didn't want to change anything. I loved him (which we both openly said) but didn't want the boring day to day with him and loved seeing him a few times a week, going on holidays together, speaking every day and it being fun. I can honestly say I loved him and he still felt like home to me. But I had no interest in pushing it further. He was working hard at his career so it seemed to suit him, but he also did talk about our future. After 4 years we started arguing a lot and we broke up. I told him I didn't want to stay friends (as we fall back into a pattern) and have not spoken to him since that day. He now has a girlfriend, who he's been with 18 months. His longest relationship other than me. She seems lovely and I'm so glad he appears happy. She's met all his friends and family (something I only did as his uni friend, not his girlfriend). She shares a lot of the same interests and, on paper, seems so much more suited to him that I ever was. There is no engagement or children yet but I believe she lives with him.

I would not contact him as I wouldn't want to cause any issues in his current situation or take away his chance of being a dad (none of us are getting any younger and I don't want more children). Also I do not feel I want the life he wants. I do not want him as my husband who I come home to every night and have children with. I don't want to pay bills with him and do the weekly shop. But he is the one I think about every night when I'm going to sleep. He is the closest thing to a soulmate I think I will ever meet, but I often wonder if he's supposed to be my best friend soulmate but I messed it up by getting involved with him (twice). He is definitely my "what if". And I'm now only in my 40s so I actually feel we may meet again when we are past the children/mortgage stage.

I wish I’d picked a subject a bit more creative at uni rather than something vocational.

I regret letting my confidence get smothered by a boss who tried to meld me into something I wasn’t. I have allowed the constant put downs to allow me to be bitter.

I regret not trying for children sooner. When I was younger and fitter but I didn’t want to push my partner before he was ready. I knew he was trying to get the ducks in a row for us trying, but I’m scared it might be too late

I do wonder how many young adults will regret going off and leaving, moving out of the area, even the country, and leaving their parents behind.

My adult daughter's friend who's 36 moved 300 miles away from home. About 15-16 years ago. Left her parents (in their mid 50s at the time.) Mum had a chronic illness and dad suffered from depression and they struggled financially. Isolated in a tiny village, no public transport, no family for 30 miles, only them to depend on. Alone all through covid too. Saw their daughter (DD's friend) twice in 2 years. Hardly contacted her parents, and declined 9 out of 10 offers to go visit, or for her to visit them.

A year ago, her mom died, and 3 weeks later, her dad took his own life. My daughter's friend admits she never bothered with them, and that she treated them like an inconvenience, and never answered their phone calls. She has cried every day about it since last May/June when it happened.

You only get one mother and one father. Remember that, and show them you love them and care for them. Answer the phone when it rings and you can see it's them. You are NOT 'too busy' all the time!

A sort-of regret is that no one picked up on my adhd (until TikTok!) Just a few tweaks would have made such a big difference. I've always been crippled with perfectionism and feeling lazy/not a good person when I'm not. Jobs, uni, relationships, more kids - they would have been informed decisions with a diagnosis.

Similarly, I could have been braver. I have the capacity and talent. Because I doubted myself, I took a safer option.

And most men prior to my husband. I turned down some quality talent because I doubted myself and let some idiots spend more time with me than they deserved.

And weight training/low carb. I could have had a much better, healthier body

Mostly happy where I've ended up now though.

@SecretsIWouldNeverTell its very hard and I often wonder if I hadn’t had the holiday would I be still living in a little village being able to pop round for a cuppa to see my mum. However I regret the guy … but not what my life has led to I’m very happy and actually eventually ended up moving across the ocean- I’m very close to my parents though and we make a lot of effort to see each other still …. I haven’t forgotten or ignore them. In fact I’m flying back soon just me to have a holiday with them :)