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Original poster

Was I rude and did I act unnecessarily?

175 replies

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:26

I know it's a first world problem, and probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it's irking me a bit.

Today is my son's first birthday. We went out to the park to have some picnic for lunch, give him his cake and sing him a happy birthday.

My ILs came around (my parents couldn't unfortunately as they live too way).

As we were about to take videos and pictures of him behind his birthday cake, my MIL sat on the opposite side of him, opposite to DH.
I asked if we could swap so that both his parents are around him for the picture. I felt a bit weird with his dad and grandma sitting around him and me being further away.
My BILs and MIL called me rude and said it was uncalled for.

She has forms of trying to one up me around my son, including wanting my son to call her "mum", taking a family picture when he was first born with her in the middle and him sitting on her with the rest of the family around, so it might have blurred my judgment and I might have acted really rude.

OP posts:
Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 15:28

OMG this is easiest fix in the world.
Take 2 pictures. Let your MIL have one of her and her son flanking her grandson, then ask to move to take one with you next to your son. Or pass her the camera and ask for one of just the three of you.

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:30

Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 15:28

OMG this is easiest fix in the world.
Take 2 pictures. Let your MIL have one of her and her son flanking her grandson, then ask to move to take one with you next to your son. Or pass her the camera and ask for one of just the three of you.

It sounds daft but I just wanted the video of us singing him happy birthday to be DH and I around the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:31

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:30

It sounds daft but I just wanted the video of us singing him happy birthday to be DH and I around the baby.

Show quote history

That's what they called rude, we took plenty of other different pictures

OP posts:

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Whichclubisittonight · 12/05/2023 15:31

Yeah pretty much what Thewitcherswolf said.

Don't know if it was rude, depends how it was said, but it didn't need to be a big deal. Have her have a photo with him, then get your own photos. Everyone's happy ☺️

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:32

Whichclubisittonight · 12/05/2023 15:31

Yeah pretty much what Thewitcherswolf said.

Don't know if it was rude, depends how it was said, but it didn't need to be a big deal. Have her have a photo with him, then get your own photos. Everyone's happy ☺️

I just said "Could I have the baby for the video?"

OP posts:
Whichclubisittonight · 12/05/2023 15:33

Sorry, cross post, I didn't realise it was the video. I would have taken a photo at that point and said "smile grandma!" then asked her to video the rest for you.

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:34

Whichclubisittonight · 12/05/2023 15:33

Sorry, cross post, I didn't realise it was the video. I would have taken a photo at that point and said "smile grandma!" then asked her to video the rest for you.

Thank you,I should have done that.
The phone was placed farther away to record on its own

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 12/05/2023 15:41

I guess you could have done 2 videos or couldn't one of the BILs done it so at least you: ( the baby's mum) could have been in it.
One thing you need to nip in the bud though is MIL trying to make your son call her Mum. She is NOT his mother, he has a mother already

Dogbasket · 12/05/2023 15:45

I wouldn’t invite them to stuff, but I don’t stand for any nonsense. I don’t think you were rude.

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:53

Thank you guys for your replies

OP posts:
Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 15:56

Hmmm. I think you’re going to need to learn to pick your battles. I can see that singing happy Birthday to your child for the first time + recording it on video makes it feel like a one off unmissable moment, and it’s understandable that you want to be right there front and centre with your child for those moments. The thing is, there will so many first moments that you won’t be able to be there or record every single one. None of us can. Someone who has a perfect instagram feed with them and their baby showing off every single first, is probably taking multiple takes of everything and wouldn’t have worried at all about doing the song again with people arranged differently.
Basically you’re not being unreasonable, but if you tried to do this for every single first thing, you would be very unreasonable.

BreviloquentBastard · 12/05/2023 15:59

In a vacuum I don't think this is that big a deal, but it sounds like she has form for inappropriate and overbearing behaviour which might make it more of a red flag.

Is your husband a mummy's boy or does he take your side? She absolutely should not be encouraging your child to call her mum, that's far worse than whatever this little tiff was.

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:59

Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 15:56

Hmmm. I think you’re going to need to learn to pick your battles. I can see that singing happy Birthday to your child for the first time + recording it on video makes it feel like a one off unmissable moment, and it’s understandable that you want to be right there front and centre with your child for those moments. The thing is, there will so many first moments that you won’t be able to be there or record every single one. None of us can. Someone who has a perfect instagram feed with them and their baby showing off every single first, is probably taking multiple takes of everything and wouldn’t have worried at all about doing the song again with people arranged differently.
Basically you’re not being unreasonable, but if you tried to do this for every single first thing, you would be very unreasonable.

Thank you for putting things into perspective. It does help a lot

OP posts:
Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 16:03

Calling her gran/granny/nan/nanny/grandma and NOT mum is a battle I would choose. Photos, where you could just insist one is also taken in the configuration you want, I would be flexible on. Could you think about ´moments within moments’ - so what you really want is a video memory of your son’s first birthday with his cake. Could you get your partner to film you giving your son a spoonful to try? Or get the camera out and talk to your baby when they have put their fist through the cake - you’d have your voice? Your baby’s reactions to your voice, and the smashed fistful of cakecovered cuteness all on video.
That’s an example, but you get the idea.
Find ways to get what you really want, even if your first choice of how that happens is not a battle you choose to fight that day.

acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 12/05/2023 16:04

As she has form for this type of thing I can see why you were frustrated by the comments. I would have asked her to swap with me too!

Is she the type of person that will do certain things for a reaction?

PrestonHood121 · 12/05/2023 16:05

Not rude at all tbh. Many people don't like it women assert boundaries over things that mean alot to them.

Dedodee · 12/05/2023 16:06

You weren't rude, your mil knew what she was doing.
Well done for speaking up.

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:06

BreviloquentBastard · 12/05/2023 15:59

In a vacuum I don't think this is that big a deal, but it sounds like she has form for inappropriate and overbearing behaviour which might make it more of a red flag.

Is your husband a mummy's boy or does he take your side? She absolutely should not be encouraging your child to call her mum, that's far worse than whatever this little tiff was.

You're right. I'm probably blowing things out of proportion because of things in the past that were more important.
DH has recently started defending me, but he used to always side with his mum regarding things like where my child would be born (she wanted us to move to hers and give birth in a hospital near her house when I was heavily pregnant so that she could bond with the baby for a month), wanted to organise his birthday party because she didn't like our idea and didn't take no for an answer from me (changed her mind when DH intervened). She told me I could do what I wanted for his party all by myself but that she would take the baby to her party. She didn't want my mum to come stay with me when the baby was born. She wanted to pick his name, his school, pick him up from school every other day (she planned ahead lol), be the one to take him to the park every day, etc... and she would emotionally blackmail me when I'd say no.

I caught her and DH speaking very poorly of me behind my back in the kitchen when I was heavily pregnant, because I wanted to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my flat. He revealed to her that I had antenatal depression (a secret), that I was struggling with religion (another secret), and were discussing how unfit I was as a mother and how immature because my kid was planned but I had depression.

She also told me that her husband abused her because I said no, etc... etc...

OP posts:
Manichean · 12/05/2023 16:09

She sounds horrible OP, take good care of yourself and make sure your DH has your back. No wonder you had AND.

Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 16:10

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:06

You're right. I'm probably blowing things out of proportion because of things in the past that were more important.
DH has recently started defending me, but he used to always side with his mum regarding things like where my child would be born (she wanted us to move to hers and give birth in a hospital near her house when I was heavily pregnant so that she could bond with the baby for a month), wanted to organise his birthday party because she didn't like our idea and didn't take no for an answer from me (changed her mind when DH intervened). She told me I could do what I wanted for his party all by myself but that she would take the baby to her party. She didn't want my mum to come stay with me when the baby was born. She wanted to pick his name, his school, pick him up from school every other day (she planned ahead lol), be the one to take him to the park every day, etc... and she would emotionally blackmail me when I'd say no.

I caught her and DH speaking very poorly of me behind my back in the kitchen when I was heavily pregnant, because I wanted to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my flat. He revealed to her that I had antenatal depression (a secret), that I was struggling with religion (another secret), and were discussing how unfit I was as a mother and how immature because my kid was planned but I had depression.

She also told me that her husband abused her because I said no, etc... etc...

Show quote history

Oh fuck. OP. None of that is ok. She’s mad. Or extremely entitled. Why does she think she gets a say in your medical care? I hope you gave birth where you wanted to and that you had your mum to visit when you needed her.

Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 16:12

If there’s a cultural aspect at play around how family dynamics work then you might get good advice if you ask specifically about how to deal with a difficult MIL within those cultural expectations.

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:12

acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 12/05/2023 16:04

As she has form for this type of thing I can see why you were frustrated by the comments. I would have asked her to swap with me too!

Is she the type of person that will do certain things for a reaction?

I'm not sure if she does things to seek a reaction. But she likes to assert dominance.

She likes to call me out in front of everyone to make me out to be a horrible person too. Even very tiny things.

One tiny thing I remember was that she had forgotten her pad in her trousers once when DH and I were staying over at hers and she told me off for forgetting my pad (I wasn't on my periods) and told all my BILs during dinner and mentioned how disgusting it was and they all made disgusted faces at me. For instance.

So they probably already all think very ill of me.

My husband was arrested once for something unrelated to me, and because she couldn't tell people what he'd really done, she told everything in the family I had falsely accused him of domestic abuse.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 12/05/2023 16:13

YANBU at all, because of the background.

My MIL has form for stuff like the birthday cake but I roll my eyes internally and let her carry on because I know she's just getting carried away and she's a wonderful grandmother and respects us as parents.

In your case you will have to be very strict with your boundaries as she will clearly trample them at every opportunity.

Original poster
bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:13

Thewitcherswolf · 12/05/2023 16:10

Oh fuck. OP. None of that is ok. She’s mad. Or extremely entitled. Why does she think she gets a say in your medical care? I hope you gave birth where you wanted to and that you had your mum to visit when you needed her.

Show quote history

Yes I did! Wasn't easy but I did give birth in my house and had my mum around.

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 12/05/2023 16:14

Yep, there it is. Had a feeling this was just a symptom of a wider problem.

Your husband needs to get firmly on your side and the pair of you need to set some incredibly rigid boundaries with this woman. Her behaviour is beyond not ok.