Was I rude and did I act unnecessarily?

[bleueygreeny]

I know it's a first world problem, and probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it's irking me a bit.

Today is my son's first birthday. We went out to the park to have some picnic for lunch, give him his cake and sing him a happy birthday.

My ILs came around (my parents couldn't unfortunately as they live too way).

As we were about to take videos and pictures of him behind his birthday cake, my MIL sat on the opposite side of him, opposite to DH.
I asked if we could swap so that both his parents are around him for the picture. I felt a bit weird with his dad and grandma sitting around him and me being further away.
My BILs and MIL called me rude and said it was uncalled for.

She has forms of trying to one up me around my son, including wanting my son to call her "mum", taking a family picture when he was first born with her in the middle and him sitting on her with the rest of the family around, so it might have blurred my judgment and I might have acted really rude.

Is it possible for you to move to the other end of the country? Seriously. This woman will spoil your life.

So your husband was quite happy to let everyone think you were a liar then! He sounds like he needs a kick up the arse as well.

Been there, worn the t-shirt.
My exh was somewhat estranged from his parents when we got together so I was very accommodating. His dad was ok but his mother sounds just like your MIL. She wanted to assume control of everything when I was pregnant but raging hormones meant I no longer held back. Don’t think she liked the blunt version of me but I’m so glad of that. Despite living 10 mins drive away and my DPs living 2 hours away, my DPs saw my DS more than the exILs ever did. So much so, we stopped all contact with them when he was 6 months and we’ve never really heard much from them since. My DSDs have a better relationship with my DS so exMIL will try to get info out of them when she speaks to them (although only 1/3 actually speaks to her these days).

Poor you! I would start writing a list of this shit that pours out of her, inc pad scenario, domestic abuse, DC calling her Mum (Just WTF!) and whatever else she has up her shit sleeve, because there will always be more! Tell her you've had enough of her shit and tell her to fuck the fuck off! Your DH also sounds like an arse talking about your personal struggles with such a c*nt!!

Wow - she sounds vile! I would hugely struggle around her - and think your DH should be defending you not airing your issues, particularly as you were good enough to conceal what he’d done even though it made you look dreadful.
you should keep a note of these incidents but also that of your husband if he’s siding with her and they’re both discussing issues with your mental health. You might want evidence one day …

Um... No, I'm still not getting it. Though it seems I'm not the only one.

There's no doubting that MIL is a nutjob, though.

Re the pads thing, I read it as that the MiL left a used sanitary towel in the bathroom and blamed OP. Probably completely wrong!
There's nothing wrong with not having ST on you if you don't have your period, or with leaving an unused one in a trouser pocket.... so actually I've no idea what's going on there.

The one thing that's clear is that@bleueygreeny needs to keep away from this woman! She's vile and dangerous.

We need the OP to clarify what went on with the pad, as many many people are confused.

Thank you all so much for your replies and insight. Your advice help a lot.

Sorry for the confusion around the pad story. Basically, when we would go to hers, MIL and I would take turns putting the machine on and hanging the clothes. We would do one load for the whole family.

MIL had forgotten her pads in her underwear when the machine was put on. When we went to hang the clothes, MIL and I noticed the destroyed pad and the bits and pieces of cotton. That's when she told me off. But I wasn't wearing any pad that week because I wasn't on my period.
When BILs came down for dinner. She said that I had forgotten my dirty pads inside the machine and ruined the clothes, and they made disgusting noises and faces at me.

She honestly sounds like a narcissist.

Sorry, I meant disgusted not disgusting

Sorry OP… but I’d literally have nothing to do with his family… they all sound like abusive controlling arse holes.
your husband should’ve stuck up for you and told his family the truth about why he was arrested, or at the very least told them that you hadn’t accused him of anything!
your husband should’ve stuck up for you at the picnic and said… ‘she’s not being rude we just want a video of us with OUR child!!
Next year go and stay with your mum for his 2nd birthday…. Even better move closer to your mum because frankly I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour.

No you are not rude. Good for you for speaking up for what you need and want. It was your child’s birthday, they need to be more thoughtful! She was rude, shoving her way in.

I think you should pick up your child and move as far away from IL as possible. If your husband loves you he will follow you. If he doesn't follow you...... you know what he's worth.

She's an overbearing, interfering, devious old bat. One to be watched .... but she IS your MIL, so you have to be a bit mindful. As others have said, pick your battles. Any mix of photos could/can be taken, so everyone is happy. Calling her mum??? That's wrong on every count. Don't let her take over ..... keep your hubby on your side, keep her where she should be .... a bit in the background. Good luck.

On top of her other awful behaviour the "pads" behaviour in just plain nasty, unkind, bullying and rude. She is a complete cow!

I think you need to work on how you react to her horrible horrible nastiness. In the case of the pads I would have stood up and said "I have no idea why you felt the need to share that with everyone unless it was to deliberately embarrass me. I was not wearing pads this week by the way so that pad was NOT mine!" and then left the room!

How dare she

Wow! What you've said here has so many red flag 'The hand that rocks the cradle' vibes that I'd be seriously on guard with the MIL. Seems she wants a family of 3 with her DS, your son and her. From what you've said here, I think the photos are the least of the issues here.
Sounds a lot like my exMIL. She used to try and drive a wedge between my exDH and I. Convinced him in the end he was too good for me (overheard some conversations) and when we separated offered him a significant amount of money if he divorced me. He took the money. Well rid of both. Fortunately no kids involved but had there been I think it may have been similar. Be on your guard, stand your ground and set boundaries. You and your DH have the say what goes on with your DS not your MIL.
You maybe could have just done a few photos of different combinations but you are definitely NBU with being wary with the other things she does.

You really need to start standing up for yourself. There was nothing wrong saying you want to hold your baby for the video. I don't know why people are saying pick your battles, that's not a battle. If MIL doesn't like it tough.

You need to start speaking up when MIL does things like the pad situation, don't sit their and take it. And as for your husband, if he doesn't start speaking up and calling out the lies you need to have it out with him too, you can't live a life were your husband doesn't defend you.

As for the arrest. If you are blamed again just tell MIL infront of everyone that if she insists on telling lies you will be forced to tell the truth, that should shut her up, or instead of threaten, actually just tell the truth.

Last thing. Go to your parents for the next birthday. MIL will be oissed but so what. If you can't go to your parents then just do an activity with just the 3 of you and pop into see MIL after.

Goodluck with the crazies.

First child, I assume?

If she was my MIL she would not be allowed anywhere NEAR any child of mine!
Glad to hear your DH is starting to grow a pair! I would have left him if I had been in your shoes and he was slagging me off to his Mum😡

You are being bullied by a narcissist and married to one very toxic man. Protect yourself. This is abuse! I’m reading between the lines and guessing you’re in a culture where families are intertwined and subservient to their ILs. You need to make a choice in your life. Live this way (where you’re always doubting yourself because you’re being emotionally abused) or break free. Your ILs and dh will influence your child’s life in the negative. They will break you down too. You’re already questioning if you’re rude over their rude behaviour. Please take steps now to protect yourself and your child from this horrific situation. I don’t say this lightly because I can tell your self esteem is already at rock bottom.

I’m so sorry, @bleueygreeny

You need to have a little chat with your husband.
And by “a little chat,” I mean you need to make him understand that in no uncertain terms that he needs to protect you from his mother and her ways. He absolutely has to have your back.

I was very fortunate. My MIL was very nice. She also lived in New York and we lived in California with 3000 miles in between.
I highly recommend a setup like this.

1. She is a narcissist:

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others."

1. Stop inviting her to stuff and stop inviting her around. If she's happy to lie to her family about you, she'll do it to your child too.

1. It's not your fault, you aren't a doormat. No one is a doormat. Some people (e.g. narcissists) just think it's ok to trample on people.

1. She is gaslighting you.

1. It almost sounds like she thinks this is her baby. It doesn't sound particularly safe. I wouldn't let her do any nursery pick ups and I wouldn't have her as a safe contact.

1. I'd get your partner to read this and all the comments. Tell him to ignore the comments that he's failed you or that he's in the wrong. He's only human and she is all he knew for a long period of his life. If he doesn't want to lose you he needs to support and your child in a stable, happy family environment that focuses on honestly. If he lets his mother near you he must not let her lie about you under any circumstances. Whether it's a period pad or a false domestic abuse claim. He needs to be able to see how wrong she is treating you. She is mentally abusing you. You will need space from her and he needs to facilitate that.

1. If you can afford it, I'd seriously consider you and him moving away from her. Move across the country. You will meet lots of people with a young baby and find a crew.

I am sorry she sounds awful.

Mine was like this and fortunately we always lived a long way from her and as she got older she was less capable of stepping in.

She made very hurtful comments about my mothering capacity and liked to take over my kids as if they were hers.

Actually looking back it was really only when they were babies/toddlers and after that she had little to offer them as they didn't have much in common with her.

All I can say is minimise contact and pick your battles as you've already decided.

And also have a support network to vent to outside your husband. My friends were always fab when they knew i would be seeing "the outlaws"

What a disgusting woman. Why didn't you say you didn't have your period but that she did.
Call her mum? I should fucking coco.
You need to have a good talk about DH giving her personal information about your medical history.
Why does your DH think you wont be a good mum? Stuff and nonsense. Don't put yourself down. She's a wicked wicked woman. Keep her away from the baby.
Be strong in the face of adversity.