Was I rude and did I act unnecessarily?

[bleueygreeny]

I know it's a first world problem, and probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it's irking me a bit.

Today is my son's first birthday. We went out to the park to have some picnic for lunch, give him his cake and sing him a happy birthday.

My ILs came around (my parents couldn't unfortunately as they live too way).

As we were about to take videos and pictures of him behind his birthday cake, my MIL sat on the opposite side of him, opposite to DH.
I asked if we could swap so that both his parents are around him for the picture. I felt a bit weird with his dad and grandma sitting around him and me being further away.
My BILs and MIL called me rude and said it was uncalled for.

She has forms of trying to one up me around my son, including wanting my son to call her "mum", taking a family picture when he was first born with her in the middle and him sitting on her with the rest of the family around, so it might have blurred my judgment and I might have acted really rude.

Your MIL sounds unhinged. I have plenty of friends with MILs from other cultures where the MILs would traditionally have a lot of say in the grandkids’ lives - and even they say she’s beyond the pale. And your ILs sound awful as well. If your H finds it hard to draw boundaries/stand up to them, think very carefully about how to move forward and how much contact you want your baby to have with your ILs.

No you were right. It's your child's birthday. You should have been next to him

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. And you weren’t the one being rude. or the one overreacting or blowing things out of proportion.

All of that though applies to your MIL‘a behaviour. she sounds totally narcissistic.

completely unreasonable and rude of her to take YOUR place next YOUR child when you were doing the birthday cake - the video is neither here nor there. It’s about the moment. And that is completely inappropriate behaviour on her part.

She is clearly used to just getting her own way though. And it’s all about appearances to people like her. So when you asked for your child, she couldn’t just step aside without it being clear she’d overstepped in the first place. And so to save face, she overreacted and blew the whole thing out of proportion by trying to gaslight you into believing you were at fault.

she was the one who created the issue in the first place. And she was the one who made it a drama.

and all of your replies make it clear this is just the tip of the iceberg.

This is not a “pick your battles”
situation. Don’t give her an inch. Because, she will clearly take many miles.

In situations like that in future, don’t ask. Just take your child from her. Or make sure she doesn’t have them in the first place. And if she tries to say you’re rude or in the wrong just ask her to explain why you wanting to take your place as your child’s mother makes you rude? Ask her why she thinks she should be in your place instead. And inform her that if she fees you’re being rude then she’s welcome to leave.

wanting your child to call her mum, dictating where you gave birth? You need to protect yourself against this woman.

From your anecdotes I can't understand why you'd invite her to your home. She insults you and makes up lies about you, ditch the butch from your life and move on. You owe her nothing.

There is nothing wrong with what you said and absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with your baby for their cake video/picture.

Like someone said, you can't be there for all first BUT you were there for this one and had the right to your request. Obviously I don't know what tone you used but sometimes when someone is constantly trying to muscle in we get a bit p!ssed off and it shows in how we say things.

How did it come about that MIL requested to be called Mum? Did she say to you I want to be called Mum? I don't get how a Gran can come out with something like that and not explain her reasoning behind it. I definitely think MIL is worth a watching cause that's not normal. Try to keep your distance from that one.

What has your husband said about it all?

You were absolutely NOT blowing things out of proportion.
She sounds awful to be honest and now you’ve describe how she’s treated you in the past and how controlling she’s trying to be over your son I would withdraw from contact with her.
It’s a real shame that your own parents live further away as it sounds like she’s pushing herself to the forefront with your child and maybe it would be much better for you to have your own parents around more (assuming they’re supportive).
I’d also be incredibly upset about DH talking you down to his mother and revealing things you consider a secret while you were pregnant and questioning you as a mother (without good reason) is NOT acceptable!

Keep on standing up for yourself as much as you can.
This clearly isn’t just about the first birthday video which you’re 100% entitled to dictate how that looks.
You’re your little boys Mum, the one and only Mum he has or needs.
You are the most important person in the whole world to your baby.
She may be a little jealous of this but remember it when she’s trying to push you!

There is NO ONE more important to your baby then YOU!
xx

Are you both from a matriarchal culture? Ie is it more normal for the mother to boss her sons around and they do as they’re told without standing up to her?

I can’t imagine me keeping quiet over stuff like the sanitary towel incident and if my MIL said something I’d just say “well Doris, that isn’t true is it, it was you. If you really can’t remember that maybe we need to take you to the GP to see if you are developing dementia “. The more you let her walk over you the more she will do so.

Tbh I’d refuse to ever allow this woman in my house or see her again.
She sounds like a NIGHTMARE.
your feelings about her are completely valid.

Oh she sounds awful! I’d cut her out entirely. I understand that would be difficult for you though.

My MIL made an attempt to assert her dominance when I had my DS but we shut it down very quickly!

Oh wow! I would be avoiding her like the plague and if your dh doesn’t support that I’d be avoiding him too sorry.
Either that or could you start calling her out publicly as well in the hope she will stop? Something like “It’s a bit strange you trying to take over and pretend to be x’s mum”?
No idea if this would shut her up or just anger her and make her worse though?

Also she is counting on you to go along with her made up stories isn’t she. I like the idea a pp said of stating that’s not how it happened and maybe speaking to other family members about your concern for her memory.

I don't think you were rude. My BiL asked me to pass his daughter back as the cake came in on her first birthday. I've never thought about it again until this thread.

You weren't rude, your MIL was rude.

Don't beat yourself up, OP.

I'd be moving closer to your parents if I were you

My MIL was weirdly possessive when I had my first grandchild, even making plans for when she was going to have the baby to herself when I was only jus pregnant. She didn’t do herself any favours because it got my back up and made me more determined to not let her take over all the time.
TBF it completely gets better once the cute baby phase finishes and the child becomes more of a handful.

Your MIL sounds absolutely awful OP...

She’s scapegoating you and others are joining in with the bullying. With you parents further away you’re always outnumbered but at least your DH is starting to stand up for you more and you’re realising none of this is ok.

It’s quite serious and a lot to sort out but you’ve got time as your DS is still young.

Good luck! You and your son deserve better

YANBU. He's your baby, not theirs.

And this is exactly the reason why you should RTFT (or at least OP's updates) before posting.
It is not in the least bit precious, and is a sign of much more serious issues! You are not helping the op at all with your post, in fact you could be doing her a lot of damage!

firstly big BIG hugs! I have a MIL who is wonderful, but was also a little pushy around my kiddos - I'm guessing here but this is your first baba? All of these milestones are really important to you and I totally get why you would want to be holding the little one for his FIRST 'happy birthday to you' in the video so on that count, absolutely NOT being unreasonable - as others have said there is a compromise - get the first vid with you and DH and then get another one with EVERYONE in it, but I totally get how family can gaslight you into thinking you're being unreasonable (and we won't even go into MIL wanting your son to call HER mum? what the actual heck is that about? that there is cause for concern!) BUT in my experience the best thing is to grow a thick skin and play her at her own game - assertively and firmly say 'Oooo (babies name) - you definitely want your first recorded happy birthday to be with your Mamma don't you little bubba, Mamma will just straighten out your outfit first, don't worry I'll pass you back to Granny right after the video, yes I will....' (in your best, loudest baby cooing voice - whilst leaning over and taking baby from MIL - don't ask, but smile your biggest, sweetest smile to her and say 'I'll pass him/her right back and you record another one with you and bubba' - passive aggressive is so under-rated in these situations, if they're happy to gaslight you (and what the heck all has it got to do with BIL's in any case?) then pile it right back at them (and, just my opinion but with practice it actually gets to be quite fun seeing how many ways you can scupper MIL's plans ;-) ) - BUT, and here's the but, a few years, and 2 more kiddos on, and I can see that I might have been a teeny bit irrationally protective of my first child around my MIL and can see now that she was largely just trying to enjoy the experiences of her first grandchild (although she never once suggested DD should call her MUM, so there's that!).

Your issue is not about photo placement during cake candles. She sounds fucking horrific

FWIW during the cake moments one of us usually holds DS and the other brings the cake in with candles lit, so any photos of him blowing out candles are of the 3 of us with other family in the background. Not done intentionally actually but it's worked out well.

Tbh when people start threads like this and are pissed off about something a lot/most of us wouldn’t bat an eyelid on, it’s because there is a huge backstory to it.
But posters still try to see if they are unreasonable looking at each individual thing because they have been told so often they are out if line that they second guess themselves all the time.

Btw @bleueygreeny i was quite surprised by the very first answers in your thread.
It’s nice to be the cool mum etc… but it’s also ok to want some stuff for yourself, in seats of pleasing everyone else. In this case, you wanted a video of you and your DH for your child’s first b’day.
And IT IS OK TO WANT THAT AND TO SAY SO.
Sorry for the shouting but the whole pick your battles etc… is annoying when it also means someone else has to stand on their own feelings and wants ‘just because’. Respecting yourself and your own wishes isn’t being rude to others fgs.

Also yes you have a MIL issue.
But you also have a HUGE DH problem. I’d concentrate on that. He should have stepped up and have your back rather than letting his mum ripping you apart ‘for being rude’ because you wanted the video of your son with you next to him!

I can so relate to this. My parents live abroad and so they missed out on a lot of my dcs' early birthdays etc. Because of this, I always tried to take videos of special moments to send to them. MIL was well aware of this and pretty much without fail, would talk loudly about any old nonsense whenever she saw I was filming a video, ensuring no one could miss the fact that she was there. It's really irritating even now, watching these old videos and hearing her droning commentary in the background! 😁

When my parents visited, she also made a big show of her close bonds with the dc in a really tactless way, making my parents feel awkward and uncomfortable.

She was forever overstepping boundaries and asserting her dominance, it was very tiresome. Things have improved now the DC are older.

I don’t think you was rude by the sound of it, but I deffo think you’re in for a lifetime of problems.
Can I ask why you married into DH family and had a baby with him? I’ve always thought if I didn’t get along with my partners family I wouldn’t stick round because my life would be miserable.
I fear the only way to get rid of the problem is to cut ties completely and move far far away.