Was I rude and did I act unnecessarily?

[bleueygreeny]

I know it's a first world problem, and probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it's irking me a bit.

Today is my son's first birthday. We went out to the park to have some picnic for lunch, give him his cake and sing him a happy birthday.

My ILs came around (my parents couldn't unfortunately as they live too way).

As we were about to take videos and pictures of him behind his birthday cake, my MIL sat on the opposite side of him, opposite to DH.
I asked if we could swap so that both his parents are around him for the picture. I felt a bit weird with his dad and grandma sitting around him and me being further away.
My BILs and MIL called me rude and said it was uncalled for.

She has forms of trying to one up me around my son, including wanting my son to call her "mum", taking a family picture when he was first born with her in the middle and him sitting on her with the rest of the family around, so it might have blurred my judgment and I might have acted really rude.

I haven’t worn pads since I was a teenager - don’t they go on the inside of knickers rather than on the inside of trousers? Anyway, if MIL forgot to peel them off and throw them away before putting her trousers into the laundry basket then she’s pretty unhygienic as well as batshit crazy.

Definitely distance yourself, OP.

I think OP means MIL forgot her underwear in her trousers with the pad on

Given everything you have posted your mil is a ghastly dominating bully who wants to put herself centrally regards your baby
Frankly your husband,her son, needs to now advocate and protect you and his own child. If your dh doesn’t get a grip and set boundaries this will deteriorate and she’ll bully and undermine you

My goodness, she sounds way beyond awful and horrible!! 🤯
Honestly, just based on these two posts, I would want to go no-contact so I’d never have to deal with her again!!

Blimey it gets worse re the pad.

@bleueygreeny
How much one-upping do you think a child just reaching age 1 is actually aware of ; I doubt he is aware of any of the things that you view as problematic. The thing about taking pictures , you can reconfigure groups as often as you want.

It seems as though your baby has many people who love him and he isn't prioritizing the love. He is just soaking it all in and enjoying.

Sometimes we can see problems where none exist.

Take your son and Go stay with your parents for a while. Tell your DH you are not coming back until he deals with his crackpot mum. It doesn’t matter what her cultural background is - she’s a lunatic, and your DH is a cunt for not doing something about it.

I don't think you were rude at all op. It is natural for you as the mother to want to be next to/holding your baby when singing and cutting a cake for a video so you can look back at those memories. I think this is also significant as it was his first birthday and you won't get his first again.

It's done now but you can learn from this. Any other significant milestones occasions etc for the future, do your own thing first just you, your husband and your baby and then do if you have to and want to something else with the extended family. Even if it means cutting a cake for breakfast!

Your MIL is vile. Does she have any daughters? Are any of the other siblings savvy to her antics and stand upto her. Or do they all bow down to her?

Wow I'd be running for the hills with my baby, I can 100% see how she'd be telling your grown up son lies about how mean you were to him as a baby and how she was the knight in shining armour saving the day (and him).
It's not just about your relationship with ILs and "D"H, it's about relationship with your son which will certainly be in danger. I really hope you take a moment to re-evaluate everything going on

Booklover is right. Keep standing up for yourself. Each and every time.
The more times this bully thinks she can get away with it, the more she will push.
So what if they call you rud?. Tell them you aresimply practicing direct communication or something! Have some answers up your sleeve, even if its just to say "That is a very unpleasant and unreasonable thing to say, so I will ignore it." or as simple as "I do not agree with you." "that is simply not true and there's no point discussing it further"

You know you are not rude. Remind yourself that this happened.

My husband was arrested once for something unrelated to me, and because she couldn't tell people what he'd really done, she told everything in the family I had falsely accused him of domestic abuse.

and no one believed you when you said that wasn't true

That's Rude!
She doesn't give a hoot about being rude to you does she?
But most of all - take a giant step back from these people. Don't form "traditions" that mean they have to turn up to every single thing. Dont overshare information. Ration them and you will be rationing the unpleasant behaviour you are on the receiving end for. Reward the good behaviour if that's possible.

Yuck. They’re treating you horribly. Why would you marry and procreate in such a family? I’m sorry OP but I can really see that entire family ganging up on you for the rest of your life, they do think lowly of you. I mean, they’re already starting to use you as a cover for their own mistakes and crimes. What culture is this? To me, it seems like they see you as low brow in comparison to them.

I literally couldn't have given less of a shit if they thought I was rude if I were you. Its your baby.

You only get so many firsts, you need to care 100% less what other people think about that

YANBU (all caps deliberate) about this one thing or anything else. She sounds like an unmitigated nightmare.

I hope you win the upcoming euromillions so you can disappear off and never see her again, to be honest!

I'd go very low contact with her OP. Let your DH visit her on his own. She sounds awful.

I couldn't get worked up about this. Who was taking the pic on who's phone/camera. If I was MIL and I'd asked my OH (grandad) to take a pic I'd probably want me, grandchild and son in pic. If it was say your sister taking the pic I'd expect her to want you in it. Who was taking the pic for who? If they're tak8ng it for themselves I'd say it's up to them.
When we take family pics we often say 'OK, all the females' or Mum n two daughter, daughters with husbands etc. We just move about so everyone gets a pic.
So yes, it's possible you were rude.
BTW I don't think there's anything wrong her wanting a pic of her son and his baby and her (without you in it)

Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work, just like his mother.

Mind yourself.

Life is very hard when you marry badly.

I don’t think you were rude in the slightest. Bet your dhs first birthday photos have your mil in them not her mil! Someone said something about picking your parenting battles and is this is one I’d pick every time. First birthdays are a real moment for parents and usually especially mums. I’d tell Dh that next birthday you will have cake without them since they aren’t polite enough to let you hold your baby for cake photos. And hold to that absolutely- they can see them later and do more cake for your child’s birthdays, and get another go at being at the main birthday moment for the 3rd birthday.

And there was nothing wrong for OP to want a a video of her husband, her baby and her without MIL in it.
OP did say they took plenty of other pictures and MIL got to sit with the baby alone for the cake picture. OP wanted to be in the video but they didn't want that either.

OP said it was their phone.

OP said it was their phone.

For your sake and your baby I would remove her and your husband from your life if I were you! They sound awful.

Well yes because it is rude. Why invite people if you actually don't want them there. All sounds very precious to be honest.

MIL muscling in on a photo is what you’re posting about …………………………………..?!

I can’t believe this is the thing that’s promoted you to reach out to MN, given all that has gone before that is a zillion times worse. 😳

DH has recently started defending me, but he used to always side with his mum regarding things like where my child would be born (she wanted us to move to hers and give birth in a hospital near her house when I was heavily pregnant so that she could bond with the baby for a month), wanted to organise his birthday party because she didn't like our idea and didn't take no for an answer from me (changed her mind when DH intervened). She told me I could do what I wanted for his party all by myself but that she would take the baby to her party. She didn't want my mum to come stay with me when the baby was born. She wanted to pick his name, his school, pick him up from school every other day (she planned ahead lol), be the one to take him to the park every day, etc... and she would emotionally blackmail me when I'd say no. I caught her and DH speaking very poorly of me behind my back in the kitchen when I was heavily pregnant, because I wanted to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my flat. He revealed to her that I had antenatal depression (a secret), that I was struggling with religion (another secret), and were discussing how unfit I was as a mother and how immature because my kid was planned but I had depression

So, your AIBU was about a photo of kid with cake and yet you initially left out all of this which is way bigger than the kid/cake issue🤯. If that was the background, I have no idea why she was present for the birthday as I would have gone NC with her long ago.

There are a lot of threads on here where the MIL wants the DIL and DS’S DC to call them ‘mum/ mummy’. What is going on here, is it a cultural thing…?