Page 3 | Was I rude and did I act unnecessarily?

bleueygreeny · 2023-05-12T14:26:21+00:00

I know it's a first world problem, and probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it's irking me a bit. Today is my son's first birthday. We went out to the park to have some picnic for lunch, give him his cake and sing him a happy birthday. My ILs came around (my parents couldn't unfortunately as they live too way). As we were about to take videos and pictures of him behind his birthday cake, my MIL sat on the opposite side of him, opposite to DH. I asked if we could swap so that both his parents are around him for the picture. I felt a bit weird with his dad and grandma sitting around him and me being further away. My BILs and MIL called me rude and said it was uncalled for. She has forms of trying to one up me around my son, including wanting my son to call her "mum", taking a family picture when he was first born with her in the middle and him sitting on her with the rest of the family around, so it might have blurred my judgment and I might have acted really rude.

Verbena17 · 14/05/2023 20:53

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:32

I just said "Could I have the baby for the video?"

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This is where I would have said “ok, mummy’s going to have the baby for the video for the memories” type thing.
Then swished the baby from the MIL and cracked on.

You don’t need to ask permission from your MIL - he’s your baby.
Once you start asking permission, it’ll only get harder. I’m not saying be rude - but you need to be more assertive. And also tell your DH that you’ll be being assertive from now on.

diddl · 14/05/2023 20:55

One tiny thing I remember was that she had forgotten her pad in her trousers once when DH and I were staying over at hers and she told me off for forgetting my pad (I wasn't on my periods) and told all my BILs during dinner and mentioned how disgusting it was and they all made disgusted faces at me. For instance.

What the what now?

Not sure I'm exactly understanding this but it's certainly not a tiny thing!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 14/05/2023 20:58

Reading your updates I’d have nothing to do with your mil again ever.

And your dh is appalling for. It putting his family straight after his mothers lies. He’s also let you take the blame. Any chance of you moving away from the ILs?

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/05/2023 21:02

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:12

I'm not sure if she does things to seek a reaction. But she likes to assert dominance.

She likes to call me out in front of everyone to make me out to be a horrible person too. Even very tiny things.

One tiny thing I remember was that she had forgotten her pad in her trousers once when DH and I were staying over at hers and she told me off for forgetting my pad (I wasn't on my periods) and told all my BILs during dinner and mentioned how disgusting it was and they all made disgusted faces at me. For instance.

So they probably already all think very ill of me.

My husband was arrested once for something unrelated to me, and because she couldn't tell people what he'd really done, she told everything in the family I had falsely accused him of domestic abuse.

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She sounds like an absolute psycho. None of this is ok. And she has the audacity to call YOU rude?!

Beachhutnut · 14/05/2023 21:09

In all seriousness can you move far far away from her? Completely not on op ....

ohdamnitjanet · 14/05/2023 21:10

I would run away from the whole vile family. She will try to poison your son against you if you let her have anything to do with him. She deserves no consideration whatsoever. You definitely weren’t rude to her, far from it.

MumsnestOfVipers · 14/05/2023 21:16

I don't understand a word of the bit about pads in trousers, but the birthday photo is the least of your worries, OP.

I'd be seeing as little of MIL as possible in your shoes.

Harry12345 · 14/05/2023 21:23

I don’t understand why she was invited! I’d be having very little to no contact with her. Your husband can take your son to visit for an hour per week/fortnight.

Tophy124 · 14/05/2023 21:26

Cut her out as much as you can. I wouldn’t have any contact with her. Your husband can take the baby for very very occasional visits (he probably won’t if you’re not also going), but you don’t need to be around this toxic witch. Limit her contact with you and your son as much as possible! Being in anyones life is a privilege especially for grandparents and I will NEVER understand how people take so much shit. You really really don’t need to OP. Family need to also be kind and supportive, otherwise what is the point!

Mumoftwosweetboys · 14/05/2023 21:26

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:06

You're right. I'm probably blowing things out of proportion because of things in the past that were more important.
DH has recently started defending me, but he used to always side with his mum regarding things like where my child would be born (she wanted us to move to hers and give birth in a hospital near her house when I was heavily pregnant so that she could bond with the baby for a month), wanted to organise his birthday party because she didn't like our idea and didn't take no for an answer from me (changed her mind when DH intervened). She told me I could do what I wanted for his party all by myself but that she would take the baby to her party. She didn't want my mum to come stay with me when the baby was born. She wanted to pick his name, his school, pick him up from school every other day (she planned ahead lol), be the one to take him to the park every day, etc... and she would emotionally blackmail me when I'd say no.

I caught her and DH speaking very poorly of me behind my back in the kitchen when I was heavily pregnant, because I wanted to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my flat. He revealed to her that I had antenatal depression (a secret), that I was struggling with religion (another secret), and were discussing how unfit I was as a mother and how immature because my kid was planned but I had depression.

She also told me that her husband abused her because I said no, etc... etc...

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She sounds absolutely awful. Reading all that, she was definitely trying to get one over you with the birthday video. She sounds like a self absorbed prat. Can't believe she was trying to dictate where YOU have YOUR baby. Also her trying to get him to call her mum is batshit crazy.

Bluebellsbells · 14/05/2023 21:28

At first I thought 'this isn't the right hull to die on' but after your updates I can see that this is you standing up for your parental rights of your child as this fact is being completely disregarded and disrespected by your in laws and your husband.

Next year go to your moms for his birthday.

You have a husband problem more so. Why hasn't he told the truth to his siblings about his arrest when he knows full well your reputation is being tarnished by his mothers lie! How can he live with that?! He is prioritising his own needs above yours.

His mother is prioritising her own needs above yours or your child.

This is such an unhealthy dynamic. But it's your husband that needs to radically change first, he needs to admit his criminal past absolve you. He then needs to tell his mom no every time she over steps. If she rejects then you go nc for a bit until she learns.

But don't stand for your husband's clear lack of worth in you.

Naddd · 14/05/2023 21:32

I think the way your mil has presented you to the rest of the family means you will always be seen as wrong whatever you do.

Not many people have said anything about your husband complaining to her about you which i find surprising. You overheard who knows what you haven't heard.

Secondly he should have spoken up when she blamed his arrest on you.

I do have to ask whether she's always had issues with you or whether its due to these talks he has with her. They certainly haven't helped.

Even if it was always the case, he went to complain to a person who doesn't like you, was not going to give either impartial advice or see both sides. So why did he?

jollygreenpea · 14/05/2023 21:33

MumsnestOfVipers · 14/05/2023 21:16

I don't understand a word of the bit about pads in trousers, but the birthday photo is the least of your worries, OP.

I'd be seeing as little of MIL as possible in your shoes.

Op and her DH were staying at MIL, whilst NOT on her period, so obviously didn't take any sanitary protection with her, but MIL announced to all at the dinner table how disgusting this was not bringing any protection.

How the hell did MIL know that you hadn't brought anything with you?

OP you have a grade A nut job of a MIL unfortunately.

jollygreenpea · 14/05/2023 21:35

P.S. and a gutless DH, he really should have said something about the arrest, even just to confirm it was nothing to do with you.

Usernamen · 14/05/2023 21:43

jollygreenpea · 14/05/2023 21:33

Op and her DH were staying at MIL, whilst NOT on her period, so obviously didn't take any sanitary protection with her, but MIL announced to all at the dinner table how disgusting this was not bringing any protection.

How the hell did MIL know that you hadn't brought anything with you?

OP you have a grade A nut job of a MIL unfortunately.

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I still don’t understand the pad thing. Can someone (OP?) explain more clearly?

Where OP says this:
”One tiny thing I remember was that she had forgotten her pad in her trousers once when DH and I were staying over at hers and she told me off for forgetting my pad (I wasn't on my periods) and told all my BILs…”

What does “she had forgotten her pad in her trousers” mean? And how did this lead to MIL telling OP off for “forgetting her pad”?

MegaManic · 14/05/2023 21:44

You don't need to pick your battles op, you need to cut this woman from your life. And if I was you - your husband wouldn't be far behind her, he sounds like and absolute asshole.

AllegraWalterJones · 14/05/2023 21:45

The whole family sounds batshit - what family makes 'disgusted faces' at a person?
MN is too easy to say NC/LTB but in this case I think you should stay as far away as possible from these people. It's emotional abuse.

PurplePlayhouse · 14/05/2023 21:50

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:06

You're right. I'm probably blowing things out of proportion because of things in the past that were more important.
DH has recently started defending me, but he used to always side with his mum regarding things like where my child would be born (she wanted us to move to hers and give birth in a hospital near her house when I was heavily pregnant so that she could bond with the baby for a month), wanted to organise his birthday party because she didn't like our idea and didn't take no for an answer from me (changed her mind when DH intervened). She told me I could do what I wanted for his party all by myself but that she would take the baby to her party. She didn't want my mum to come stay with me when the baby was born. She wanted to pick his name, his school, pick him up from school every other day (she planned ahead lol), be the one to take him to the park every day, etc... and she would emotionally blackmail me when I'd say no.

I caught her and DH speaking very poorly of me behind my back in the kitchen when I was heavily pregnant, because I wanted to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my flat. He revealed to her that I had antenatal depression (a secret), that I was struggling with religion (another secret), and were discussing how unfit I was as a mother and how immature because my kid was planned but I had depression.

She also told me that her husband abused her because I said no, etc... etc...

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YANBU!

I would want to be actively rude. I would want to say something like "That's wonderful MIL...and when you have your next baby then you can pick their name/school/where you give birth. But, this is MY baby and the only person choosing things for MY baby is ME! You've had your turn with your own children so back off!"

Jesus H Christ, I don't know how you would be able to put up with that crap.

You were not rude about the birthday video.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 14/05/2023 21:53

You have a DH problem.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. Now you need to insist your DH does the same for you

Seas164 · 14/05/2023 21:53

You're not blowing anything out of proportion, she's a nut job of the highest order.

This is not normal. You need to stay away from her and forget what she or her family think of you.

Don't explain yourself or apologise, just remove yourself and let them say and think what they will.

Focus on your own family and people that make you feel good when you're around them, not this poisonous pack of wolves.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/05/2023 21:53

I’m a bit re the pad thing, why on earth would she want to deflect forgetting her sanitary pad onto you not having one? Was she worried she’d leak menstrual blood or smell as she’d forgotten hers? Had she forgotten her Tena lady pad
and was worried about urinary leaks?

She sounds totally batshit from other examples and I’d try to see as little of her as possible.

Usernamen · 14/05/2023 21:59

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/05/2023 21:53

I’m a bit re the pad thing, why on earth would she want to deflect forgetting her sanitary pad onto you not having one? Was she worried she’d leak menstrual blood or smell as she’d forgotten hers? Had she forgotten her Tena lady pad
and was worried about urinary leaks?

She sounds totally batshit from other examples and I’d try to see as little of her as possible.

Moreover, why had she forgotten it ‘in her trousers’? Doesn’t that imply that she was wearing one and hadn’t forgotten it? And why the disgust at OP not having any pads when she wasn’t even on her period? Argh, we have to get to the bottom of this!

Sorry OP, a bit of a derail. I agree with PP, your MIL sounds crazy and you need to keep her away from you and your baby. Good luck.

TommytheSquirrell · 14/05/2023 22:01

Reading all your updates I think I’d be distancing yourself and your son from
her and tell your husband to grow a back bone and support you.

Cas112 · 14/05/2023 22:06

I would have done exact same as you OP

umscho · 14/05/2023 22:08

Usernamen · 14/05/2023 21:59

Moreover, why had she forgotten it ‘in her trousers’? Doesn’t that imply that she was wearing one and hadn’t forgotten it? And why the disgust at OP not having any pads when she wasn’t even on her period? Argh, we have to get to the bottom of this!

Sorry OP, a bit of a derail. I agree with PP, your MIL sounds crazy and you need to keep her away from you and your baby. Good luck.

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MIL forgot her pads in her trousers when she put them in the machine
Pads probably got destroyed and all over the washed clothes
blamed it on OP and told her off and told BILs during dinner that OP had forgotten her dirty pads in her trousers and made a mess of the clothes

Was I rude and did I act unnecessarily?

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