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Original poster

Was I rude and did I act unnecessarily?

175 replies

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 15:26

I know it's a first world problem, and probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it's irking me a bit.

Today is my son's first birthday. We went out to the park to have some picnic for lunch, give him his cake and sing him a happy birthday.

My ILs came around (my parents couldn't unfortunately as they live too way).

As we were about to take videos and pictures of him behind his birthday cake, my MIL sat on the opposite side of him, opposite to DH.
I asked if we could swap so that both his parents are around him for the picture. I felt a bit weird with his dad and grandma sitting around him and me being further away.
My BILs and MIL called me rude and said it was uncalled for.

She has forms of trying to one up me around my son, including wanting my son to call her "mum", taking a family picture when he was first born with her in the middle and him sitting on her with the rest of the family around, so it might have blurred my judgment and I might have acted really rude.

OP posts:
Watersun · 15/05/2023 09:20

You weren't rude. You're disorientated because she's psycho.

MsRosley · 15/05/2023 09:33

My husband was arrested once for something unrelated to me, and because she couldn't tell people what he'd really done, she told everything in the family I had falsely accused him of domestic abuse.

What the hell did I just read? This is all insane. Why are you putting up with any of it, OP. I mean, if my MIL did just the above, I would never let her over my doorstep again, grandchild or no grandchild.

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2023 09:34

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:06

You're right. I'm probably blowing things out of proportion because of things in the past that were more important.
DH has recently started defending me, but he used to always side with his mum regarding things like where my child would be born (she wanted us to move to hers and give birth in a hospital near her house when I was heavily pregnant so that she could bond with the baby for a month), wanted to organise his birthday party because she didn't like our idea and didn't take no for an answer from me (changed her mind when DH intervened). She told me I could do what I wanted for his party all by myself but that she would take the baby to her party. She didn't want my mum to come stay with me when the baby was born. She wanted to pick his name, his school, pick him up from school every other day (she planned ahead lol), be the one to take him to the park every day, etc... and she would emotionally blackmail me when I'd say no.

I caught her and DH speaking very poorly of me behind my back in the kitchen when I was heavily pregnant, because I wanted to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my flat. He revealed to her that I had antenatal depression (a secret), that I was struggling with religion (another secret), and were discussing how unfit I was as a mother and how immature because my kid was planned but I had depression.

She also told me that her husband abused her because I said no, etc... etc...

Show quote history

Oh hell to the no! Do NOT let your MIL teach your baby to call her Mum. No how and no way! She can be Gigi, granny, grandma, or cray-cray lady.

Between what you have written here and the things she has done towards getting the family to dislike you, I think she has an agenda.

What GOOD qualities do your NVDH have that makes you want to keep him around? He gets arrested and his mummy turns into YOUR fault? You know it will not stop. She will continue to denigrate and castigate you for no reason and in time, get your own child to dislike you, defy you and hurt you. She is hoping her little boy divorces you and brings her your child, so she can raise him. It looks like she did a horrid job with her son/your NVDH since he had no trouble gossiping about you to her. Think really hard about how you can see your life 3-5 years from now.

For her, MIL=Monster In Law She wants to dominate everyone, including you and your child. Protect yourself and your child.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
diddl · 15/05/2023 09:34

MsRosley · 15/05/2023 09:33

My husband was arrested once for something unrelated to me, and because she couldn't tell people what he'd really done, she told everything in the family I had falsely accused him of domestic abuse.

What the hell did I just read? This is all insane. Why are you putting up with any of it, OP. I mean, if my MIL did just the above, I would never let her over my doorstep again, grandchild or no grandchild.

Husband as well depending on what he was arrested for!

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2023 09:38

MsRosley · 15/05/2023 09:33

My husband was arrested once for something unrelated to me, and because she couldn't tell people what he'd really done, she told everything in the family I had falsely accused him of domestic abuse.

What the hell did I just read? This is all insane. Why are you putting up with any of it, OP. I mean, if my MIL did just the above, I would never let her over my doorstep again, grandchild or no grandchild.

OP needs to protect herself from the monster-in-law and even her NVDH since I think he is controlled by his mummy. Though never letting monster-in-law over her doorstep sounds good and what should be done, sadly, monster-in-law will use that against the OP and her dear little arrested man-child will let her in.

Her time with the baby should be severely limited and not include overnights. Your house so you can enforce your rules.

Magicmama92 · 15/05/2023 09:38

The getting him to call her mum would bother me more. That's a fight that needs to happen. She isn't his mum you are.
That's not ok. I get it she's probably taking over everything all the time and then little things that shouldnt matter do because she does it all the time. Tackle the bigger proper issues then the smaller ones won't bug you as much.
My mil likes to be the centre of attention and in control and it took a year of me putting my foot down for her to realise she wasn't going to get to undermine me with my child.
Next time I'd just say you've had some pictures can we can some together too please.

Magicmama92 · 15/05/2023 09:46

I hadn't read the updates.
Personally I'd sit with your husband and tell him very firmly his mother's behaviour is selfish and disgusting. Your his wife and his mum is spreading lies about you the mother of his child and badmouthing you.
But in all honesty he sounds just as vile as his mum I think you'd be happier without the lot of them.

Luckyduc · 15/05/2023 09:47

For his 2nd birthday id not bother inviting them ....and just do something with your husband and son ....set up your camera on a stand and film it with the two of you.

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2023 09:52

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:19

Thank you. I will keep standing up for myself, I think I just need to learn to pick my battles though.

Show quote history

You do NOT have to pick your battles. ANY interaction with your Monster-In-Law and the rest of the motley crew, is a situation where you need to be on your guard, protect yourself and protect your DC. Please don't excuse the crap your NVDH has pulled by gossiping with "his mummy" behind your back. He might stick up for you in public but behind the scenes? I think your NSDH needs to regain your trust.

P.S. I would have told NSDH to tell everyone the truth about the arrest or that you would. He needs to get his big boy panties back from "his mummy" and grow the hell up.

Ariela · 15/05/2023 09:55

Why didn't you do it twice, with MIL and then with DH to keep everyone happy?

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2023 09:56

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 12/05/2023 19:22

Shit. I hadn’t updated the thread when I posted.

SHE IS INSANE.

I wouldn’t want the crazy, poisonous, abusive twat anywhere near me and my baby. Fuuuuuck.

THIS! ⬆ALL OF THIS!⬆

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2023 10:04

Usernamen · 14/05/2023 21:43

I still don’t understand the pad thing. Can someone (OP?) explain more clearly?

Where OP says this:
”One tiny thing I remember was that she had forgotten her pad in her trousers once when DH and I were staying over at hers and she told me off for forgetting my pad (I wasn't on my periods) and told all my BILs…”

What does “she had forgotten her pad in her trousers” mean? And how did this lead to MIL telling OP off for “forgetting her pad”?

Show quote history

I took it to mean that a pad was left in the underwear, used. Maybe MIL washed it and made a mess or someone saw it. MIL decided to say it was OP's so she could have something else to denigrate her and get more family members to dislike her.

I hope the OP comes and gives details, because I would like to know more of that story too..

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2023 10:07

umscho · 14/05/2023 22:08

MIL forgot her pads in her trousers when she put them in the machine
Pads probably got destroyed and all over the washed clothes
blamed it on OP and told her off and told BILs during dinner that OP had forgotten her dirty pads in her trousers and made a mess of the clothes

Show quote history

I should have read the whole thread before replying. I agree with your assessment. MIL just threw OP under the bus so she could tell lies and try to get the rest of the family to dislike her.

horseyhorsey17 · 15/05/2023 10:08

It's actually really weird that she wants your son to call her mum! She sounds like a massive narcissist. Good luck with that!

diddl · 15/05/2023 10:11

I should have read the whole thread before replying. I agree with your assessment. MIL just threw OP under the bus so she could tell lies and try to get the rest of the family to dislike her.

It does sound that way doesn't it?

I can't imagine that MIL actually does any of Op's washing when she stays but that's maybe a bit logical for disgusted faced BILs to figure out.

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2023 10:14

Marchitectmummy · 15/05/2023 02:07

Well yes because it is rude. Why invite people if you actually don't want them there. All sounds very precious to be honest.

Show quote history

I'll take "Things that were never said, never implied and never meant for $2000 Alex".

I think making implications that were never said is "precious".

oioimatey · 15/05/2023 10:19

On DD2's first birthday my DF sat on the other side of our DD from my DH, and I sat on the floor on front of them with our other DD.

Not quite the same as I didn't think anything of it at the time, but I look back at the photos now and I feel sad that it wasn't me sitting next to the birthday girl. I've learnt for next time.

MaidOfSteel · 15/05/2023 10:47

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 16:16

I told them it wasn't a domestics but that for my husband's sake I wouldn't disclose what he had done, but no one believed me.

Show quote history

Yet your husband had no problem disclosing your private medical issues.
You have both a husband problem and a mother in law problem. He isn't loyal to you. Is your marriage good?

dutysuite · 15/05/2023 11:04

I can see where you’re coming from, nearly all my sons early milestones or events have photos without me in them, his christening has a photo of my sister and her partner who she is no longer with holding my son but there’s none of my husband and me with our son. There’s also none of us in the hospital photo together but many of other family members, and his first birthday cake has his aunt is by his side with the cake and my husband has managed to cut me out of that shot! I didn’t think too much about it until one day looking through all the early photos and realising I’m not in many! I have since then on occasion asked my mother to move from a photo when she’s been in the way but I usually do it in subtle way by taking a photo of her first then saying I want one.

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 15/05/2023 11:13

Oh OP none of what she did is okay, that is all so so wrong. So we’ll done for standing up and being in the photo, let your DH assert himself Joe agains her but I would be going low contact as a minimum, his family are under her control and you know nothing they say matters.

BonnieBobbin · 15/05/2023 11:17

Your MIL (and DH) sound awful tbh. Have you told your parents everything that has happened? Can they support you and put your MIL in her place in a culturally appropriate way? For one, they should tell everyone what your DH was actually arrested for. Your DH should have told people the truth himself especially when MIL started blaming you. The fact he was happy for MIL to spread lies about you to cover for himself is shocking.

ScatsThat · 15/05/2023 12:20

I would be p*ssed off to be pushed out of my child's first birthday like that or have someone create an atmosphere a simple and reasonable request from a parent at her child's first birthday. Most people I know would volunteer to swap places with the parent for special occasions.

If she is going to say how dreadful you are, then you should get comfortable with fulfilling her expectations. She is going to be difficult whatever you do, so if you can't please her, don't bother trying. The result will be the same for her either way, so you may as well try to please yourself.

Cetim · 15/05/2023 14:43

I literally just created an account on mumsnet so I could respond to this. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Based on everything that woman has put you through I am shocked she was invited round. You need to think carefully about the boundaries you want to set and then set them. She will kick up a stink at first and will behave appallingly but she will learn eventually. I had similar experiences with my mother in law and she now knows she has to respect me or I will not engage with her or make an effort to include her. She has been bullying you and it is not on. It will be hard if your husband doesn't support you but don't let that stop you. They will all learn that you are serious about being treated with respect. It doesn't have to be done in a hostile way just simply say for e.g my son will not call you Mum so please choose another name he can call you and I will encourage him to use that. If she insists then just say please respect my wishes and if she insists the choose the name your son calls her and tell him to call her that. He will listen to you not her. This is just an example but Boundaries need to be set .

nidgey · 15/05/2023 18:09

OP, that's awful and I'm so sorry she has been such a nightmare. This is clearly about a lot more than who sits where for photographs. You and your DH need stronger boundaries with her, and I hope you find a way to do so.
You're your baby's mum, and you and your DH absolutely the most important people in the baby's world. Your MIL needs to seriously back off.

Banrockmystation · 15/05/2023 18:22

She wanted your child to call her mum????? Wtf?!!! Run away!!!

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