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Original poster

I have absolutely no idea what I've done. Now what?

167 replies

Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:09

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 08/05/2023 22:11

Some people just decide they don't want to be friends anymore in my experience. They don't give a reason for this ☹️

LimeLimeLime · 08/05/2023 22:12

It could be that something else has happened in her life, so it might not be related to you. There's nothing else you can do.

LividHouse · 08/05/2023 22:13

She might have something going on and not be in a headspace for social niceties.

greenlychee · 08/05/2023 22:13

you're being slowly ghosted, which I guess is tough, but maybe you should have gotten the message a couple of messages ago when she didn't reply as you have sent several extra messages without getting the hint (sorry!)

I would give it a few more weeks see if she replies, then maybe send a message to say you're a bit hurt and would have appreciated honesty if you had done something to offend, or upfrontness if she didn't want to see you, politely, and leave it at that. I think ghosting is on the whole pretty cowardly and should be called out where possible but leaving a little room for them to reply if they want to.

If no reply then block her and enjoy it! have you been blocked on FB / insta / whatsapp etc?

Duckcurtains · 08/05/2023 22:14

I'd ring. Have an actual conversation. No relationship problem has ever been resolved via text. Probably it's all a misunderstanding if you genuinely don't know what it could be, or maybe she's not actually OK.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 08/05/2023 22:16

I wouldn’t necessarily assume you’d done something to upset her and I definitely wouldn’t ask like that.

Sometimes people have their own mental/physical health flares which mean it’s hard to communicate.

Original poster
Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:16

Thanks for the replies. It's just so strange. I guess I could've stopped messaging two messages ago (if that makes sense). But I thought that something might be wrong and, if it was, I wanted her to know I'd like to help - if she wanted help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:17

@greenlychee I don't have Facebook so we've been contacting through WhatsApp - don't appear to have been blocked.

OP posts:
WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 08/05/2023 22:18

A friend of mine had this happen to him. In hindsight he noticed that the guy who suddenly ghosted him didn't have any long-term friends. Realised he just didn't maintain friendships! Could be that?

CleverKnot · 08/05/2023 22:19

I have a work colleague who is ghosting me. I have NO IDEA why. I keep racking my brain for ... what, what did I do. I've tried asking not too directly, she brushed me off.

Aggravating but (trying to think kindly) maybe they just need space.

barmycatmum · 08/05/2023 22:19

just release - don’t keep asking - sometimes people need space, and it could be anything, very highly unlikely that it’s about you- but don’t take energy by making it about you, If that makes sense?

release and focus on other people, keep volunteering etc.

sometimes when people are going through things, they need to go into a cave of sorts. I do that. It’s just to conserve energy and heal.

Isthisexpected · 08/05/2023 22:19

You've done all you can. I don't have any social media accounts to see if someone blocks me etc so if I don't get a reply within a few days on what's app I tend to phone. But I was once slowly ghosted. Such odd behaviour but the modern equivalent of not replying to a pen pal I guess.

UsingChangeofName · 08/05/2023 22:20

I would just assume something big has happened in her life, and it is taking up a lot of her headspace, and probably she doesn't feel she wants to discuss it with a relatively new friend, and / or she doesn't really want to talk about it / tell you about it over text.
Do you not still see each other at the thing you volunteer at ?

Original poster
Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:21

I don't think anything too terrible can have happened because I know she's still been doing her volunteering duties. Of course I will respect her wish not to be in touch any more but I really wish I knew what I've done or what's happened :(. I really liked her and wouldn't knowingly have upset her.

OP posts:
Duckcurtains · 08/05/2023 22:26

Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:21

I don't think anything too terrible can have happened because I know she's still been doing her volunteering duties. Of course I will respect her wish not to be in touch any more but I really wish I knew what I've done or what's happened :(. I really liked her and wouldn't knowingly have upset her.

I don't think it necessarily has to be that terrible to take away your social energy.

I'm still turning up at work and doing what must be done, but adult DC is really struggling with life atm and that's taking a lot of my energy. I try to maintain friendships, but I can imagine getting messages like these and thinking, I'll reply properly to that and explain whats going on later. Then not remembering to go back to it.

saveforthat · 08/05/2023 22:27

A really similar thing happened to me. A friend I was seeing regularly and who always responded to texts promptly just stopped replying. When they finally replied they just said "I'm fine must dash" in a text! I drove myself mad wondering why and concluded there must have been something going on in their life which I knew nothing about.

Bluevelvetsofa · 08/05/2023 22:29

I think we don’t like things we don’t understand and want an explanation to rationalise them.

I have someone who blows hot and cold. I know that I have not done anything to offend or upset. You’re the same OP, but there could be the tiniest thing about which you’re completely unaware. It’s happened more than once to me with the same person, so I won’t pursue it again.

Sometimes, there are just no reasons.

NewAnon · 08/05/2023 22:30

I'm in the process of slowly fading from a friend.

There are reasons, but I have avoided sharing them (with the friend) as I can't think of a way of putting it that isn't a character assassination (largely due to the way I've observed her treating and manipulating other people).

I've thought about the very specific reasons that affect me (largely that her mode of friendship is overbearing and stifling) - but due to her nature (overbearing and stifling) I haven't got around to telling her that, as I don't want to be asked over-born or stifled.

So all in all, if someone fades out, just let them - unless you fear for their safety or sanity, in the most cases it is for the best.

Original poster
Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:33

Duckcurtains · 08/05/2023 22:26

I don't think it necessarily has to be that terrible to take away your social energy.

I'm still turning up at work and doing what must be done, but adult DC is really struggling with life atm and that's taking a lot of my energy. I try to maintain friendships, but I can imagine getting messages like these and thinking, I'll reply properly to that and explain whats going on later. Then not remembering to go back to it.

Show quote history

I understand this, in fact I'm a bit the same myself. So I wouldn't hold it against her if she didn't want to engage in contact of any kind.

But (and this is going to sound so silly - sorry!), that last brief message she sent didn't end with the usual kiss. It was abrupt and made it quite clear she didn't want any further contact. Which is of course absolutely her choice - it's just such an about-turn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:34

saveforthat · 08/05/2023 22:27

A really similar thing happened to me. A friend I was seeing regularly and who always responded to texts promptly just stopped replying. When they finally replied they just said "I'm fine must dash" in a text! I drove myself mad wondering why and concluded there must have been something going on in their life which I knew nothing about.

I'm sorry it happened to you - how did it turn out in the end?

OP posts:
Original poster
Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:37

NewAnon · 08/05/2023 22:30

I'm in the process of slowly fading from a friend.

There are reasons, but I have avoided sharing them (with the friend) as I can't think of a way of putting it that isn't a character assassination (largely due to the way I've observed her treating and manipulating other people).

I've thought about the very specific reasons that affect me (largely that her mode of friendship is overbearing and stifling) - but due to her nature (overbearing and stifling) I haven't got around to telling her that, as I don't want to be asked over-born or stifled.

So all in all, if someone fades out, just let them - unless you fear for their safety or sanity, in the most cases it is for the best.

Thank you for this - it's very interesting. I'm slightly worried you're my friend!

I hope you're not though because I don't think I'm overbearing or stifling. But - would I know if I was?! I have lots of other friends so
hopefully I'm not!

OP posts:
Sunnycornwallanddevon · 08/05/2023 22:45

Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:37

Thank you for this - it's very interesting. I'm slightly worried you're my friend!

I hope you're not though because I don't think I'm overbearing or stifling. But - would I know if I was?! I have lots of other friends so
hopefully I'm not!

Show quote history

I'm sure your not the friend in this post, it happens all the time. Horrible though 😞

NewAnon · 08/05/2023 22:49

Oh no you're absolutely not the friend @Leolly if I thought for one second you were I wouldn't have commented!

Here's the thing with my friend - she's treated some people in a very self-serving way, and yes, I can't help but have my opinion of her altered by it.

But the the clincher is the dynamic between us - and that's not her fault, it's just two different ways to hold a friendship, she's not wrong, and neither am I.

Please don't see her ghosting as being a reflection of you, it could be 1000 things.

Original poster
Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:57

NewAnon · 08/05/2023 22:49

Oh no you're absolutely not the friend @Leolly if I thought for one second you were I wouldn't have commented!

Here's the thing with my friend - she's treated some people in a very self-serving way, and yes, I can't help but have my opinion of her altered by it.

But the the clincher is the dynamic between us - and that's not her fault, it's just two different ways to hold a friendship, she's not wrong, and neither am I.

Please don't see her ghosting as being a reflection of you, it could be 1000 things.

Thank you for this. Just to double check though, your friend's name doesn't begin with K does it?!

And thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply - it's really useful to hear other people's opinions and experiences.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 08/05/2023 22:58

Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:09

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

I don't think you've necessarily 'done' anything, she just doesn't want to be meeting up with you or text chatting. You messaged and she didnt respond. Assuming just chit chat. Then a week later you messaged again basically saying Ive not heard from you for a week is everything OK. Sometime after that she replied 'l'm OK thanks'. Now to me that message is loud and clear. It says look, l appreciate your concern but lm fine. Don't bother me atm. She didn't want to reply but she thought if she didn't you'd worry or start asking around.
What on earth made you ask her if you had done anything to upset her? She's politely replied. Nothing hostile there. I'd say you hadn't done anything wrong....until you sent that last text. In her position that would irritate me. She's not your best friend or your partner. She doesn't want to share with you.
Just back off a bit.
I have friendships that wax and wane. I don't think that's uncommon. Im surprised at 50 you havent experienced this. My good friends, ones I'd wee in front off or poor my heart out over a bottle of wine, that's different, I generally keep them in the loop. She sounds more like a 'social' friend rather than one you share feelings and thoughts with. She'll be back....if you don't pester. Do not stick a note or card through her door!