I have absolutely no idea what I've done. Now what?

[Leolly]

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

I wouldn't worry you have done anything wrong. I'm afraid I often log out of social media, it does my head in. Too many people wanting too much of me with no respite. I have friends that would msg me every day and honestly I just can't deal with it. I really need my own space and enjoy it. Unfortunately some people really can't understand it accept it. Maybe she is just 'resting' 💐

Really interesting - I've done this too for similar reasons - her lack of understanding that I don't want to listen to her grumbles about life every single time we meet (often the same grumbles as the previous time), her asking for advice then not taking it, not being able to get a word in edgways etc. It's made me feel bad as I know other friends have dropped her in the past and she's been very hurt over it - but again, without any insight into why. I've contemplated sending her a message explaining why I needed to create some distance - less blunt than on here obviously - in the hope it might help her rather fraught relationships with other friends and her family in particular. But maybe some people just never change?
If you are the person dropped, do you think it would help you or hurt you to be given reasons? Or is to be brushed off with distant politeness and excuses better?

I’ve ghosted friends when the bad starts to outweigh the good. A good test of a friendship is when friends are happy for you but I’ve known a couple who subtly try to put you down when things go well.
i call these snarky comments jellyfish comments; they come out of nowhere and can derail an otherwise lovely friendship.
Or else people talk about themselves incessantly.
people often don’t like criticism and will get defensive if you tell them the truth so why put yourself through it.

@leolly I'm sorry about your friend seeming to be "soft ghosting" you and feel for you completely. I'm like you and value friendships. As someone just turned 50 and unmarried/no kids, it matters even more to have genuine long term friends than it does for many people. It's really tough when you feel like you struck a connection with someone (they lead you to believe they wanted one) and then do a complete reversal and you have no idea why. I would suggest that you leave it now for them to contact you. You mentioned being social with mutual people. Is there one of those people who might be able to offer any insight to the situation?

I ghosted a number of people some years ago and it was because I was struggling with mental health issues that they knew nothing about. I just disappeared. I went through a very very dark period in my life and I still haven't told anyone. Not even my closest friends now.

You never know what's going on in someone's life so please don't torture yourself and assume it's you.

I have been on both sides. Ghosted by a friend who I assumed I offended about 20 years ago - later found out she had form for this. A few years ago supported a friend who was going through a really hard time. I had supported her through the worst, and excused her irritability and occasional rudeness because she was struggling. But as she got better, her behaviour got worse, until a mutual acquaintance took me aside to see if I was ok because she was so shocked at the interaction she had just witnessed and disgusted at my friends behaviour. I had spoken to my friend several times but as it was just getting worse, I felt like I just needed to disconnect. I wish I could have spoken to her, but 100% know it would have been another excuse for an attack and I was done with it. Recently had a friend who wanted to be romantically involved, explained it was not going to happen and was happy to stay friends. Then he contacted me to talk about it. And talk again. And throw little darts about 'how intense' I am and he did not understand me. In the end I got quite short with him because it was starting to feel harassing when I had told him I needed space and we wanted different things from the relationship. Friendships can be hard. which is why they are so lovely when they are easy.

@WilsonMilson Thank you - not back at 100% yet, but getting there. :) It's meant a lot to have friends around me who have understood that keeping my distance has been for self-preservation and not taken it personally.

When I am fully recovered and have enough energy to devote to other people, you bet I'm going to do all I can to be a better friend. I really am so very grateful to have such lovely people in my life.

People who do this are pathetic. Just use your words and tell the person what the issue is and then you never have to speak to them again! It's cruel and childish to just suddenly switch without a word. I had a close friend do this to me and I'm still fuming about it.

I had (I say had sadly 🙁) who id known from being young. Once I had children i
found it hard to meet up as often but tried hard to do so. My friend is an intense person and will send me paragraphs of messages, I could handle all of this pre children but it became impossible post children with work etc. I tried to talk to them but they were so defensive. They went on sick leave for anxiety and would send me long messages. I’d see them and my heart would sink. In the end they decided I was a bad friend (their words, it still hurts) and that I was ghosting them because I’d not contact them for few months at a time. I can see I was wrong but I honestly felt like I was a constant let down to them. I’m still sad it ended but I also don’t think they appreciate how much I gave them even when I barely had anything left to give!

Sorry if this comes across as unkind OP, but to me that sort of string of messages comes across as needy

i know you are reaching out and checking off she needs help and asking if she needs help, but to me this kind of message comes across as needy and also, possibly insincere

the “I must have upset you, sorry if I have” as an idea for a next message is even worse in it’s passive aggressive neediness 😀 sorry.

sometimes people just need some space, and it’s not about you

What if there isn't an issue as such, you've just gone off someone a bit. Maybe they bore you or youve found they have an irritating trait. You've got to know them a bit better but the relationship is going nowhere. You think, I wouldnt mind having a coffee once every 2/3 months but you're wanting more than l can offer and won't back off. Would you tell someone that?
If it was someone you were dating you might think I'm never gonna fall in love with this bloke but he's an OK guy. You'd just stop dating them.
She's talking like it's a 10 year relationship. This sounds more like a friendly person with a few shared interests who she's had a couple of coffees with. They've gone to a shared activity they were probably both going to anyway.
I think 'I'm OK' is an explanation.

They're just not suited to anything more than friendly acquaintances.

@Twillow

If you are the person dropped, do you think it would help you or hurt you to be given reasons? Or is to be brushed off with distant politeness and excuses better?

It would most certainly have helped me.

I was ghosted by one of my best friends. We'd known each other since school, we were both mid thirties at the time. It was probably the most hurtful experience I'd ever had, worse than lovers breaking up with me. She'd been my friend for so long, we knew each other so well and I had no idea why she no longer wanted my friendship. I felt grief knowing she was out there in the world not wanting me in her life, not wanting to be part of my children's lives.

It took me years to stop missing her and I think the main reason it took so long, was because she never talked to me, she never told me why and so I was left wondering. I think brushing someone off with distant politeness might be acceptable if you don't have a significant history with someone, but otherwise it's probably cruel.

It's hard making friends when you are older. I'm mid 60's and ten years ago became friends with another volunteer at a charity shop, we'd meet for coffee/go to the cinema etc. My husband died and she supported me through that. The following year her grandchild was born and she seemed to have immediate child care duties. I'd left the charity shop by this time and our friendship became more distant, I accepted this as she had new responsibilities. She did try to keep the friendship going and would agree to meet then cancel at the last minute, be very late etc, my daughter said she was 'flaky' and if I wanted to be friends with her I'd have to accept she was unreliable.

The last time I saw her was when I 'treated' her to the cinema in January 2020. I didn't like the uncertainty of her friendship as I was never sure if she'd turn up - I felt she didn't care about my feelings at all. I did end the friendship by email during lockdown.

This happened to me too. Moved to a new small village. Made friends with someone who was also an ‘incomer’ as they call it. She ran the local cafe which I used to enjoy visiting and she was always very chatty. One day she asked if I’d like to start walking with her as she wanted to get fit. I said yes and two or three times a week we’d have a walk. She asked me and husband out to dinner with her and her partner. Came round to ours. Asked me to help in cafe when she was stuck for staff due to illness here and there. We got along great. Then I went on holiday and when I came back I asked her if she wanted a walk. She said no she’d rather just walk alone from now on as she needed the time to clear her head . I said fair enough, I absolutely understand that having had mental health problems myself. Never spoke to me again. Was weird with me when I visited the cafe after that. No idea what I did wrong. Doubly upsetting as now I can’t even go to the cafe as it makes me feel so awkward and it’s the only one in the village.

If you are the person dropped, do you think it would help you or hurt you to be given reasons? Or is to be brushed off with distant politeness and excuses better?

Id far rather know. Eg:

”I just don’t feel we have much in common any more”
”I’m just too busy to prioritise a friendship right now”
”I’m struggling with my mental health and don’t have the emotional head space to continue our friendship”
”My mother is really ill and I’m exhausted looking after her, I just don’t have any time”
etc

At least then I know it wasn’t anything awful I did, I won’t be ruminating over it and more importantly I know to give them space. If they just stop replying you worry something bad happened and then you do t know whether to keep messaging or not. It’s like being in no man’s land and you don’t know what to do for the best

But those are polite brush offs, aren't they? If what you really want to say is, for example, "I am having a hard time enjoying your company and dread meeting up because it becomes all about you", how do you say that kind of thing when you have no wish to hurt them, just to protect yourself? Do you see what I mean?

Yeah totally see what you mean. I guess I mean it’s not necessary to be cruel eg “I find you unbearable” as that’s just unkind and I think you should treat others as you’d want to be treated. But at least make it clear you don’t want contact any more. That way you haven’t just disappeared and the person knows not to contact you. If you just ghost, the person doesn’t know if you are ok and then would maybe keep texting to make sure nothing awful has happened when you know full well you have no intention to reply. That’s not nice. I think there is a middle ground between being mean and managing the other person’s expectations so at least they know where they stand. I think if you’ve been friends do for years and the other person has supported you through rough times you at least owe them that.

I've found it really hard. I don't know how to find the words when it's obvious I don't want to spend time with her any more - the excuses I gave about being busy I suspect are seen through. SO the person obviously feels hurt and abandoned, but without knowing why. But if I say I don't enjoy spending time with you because xyz, they're still hurt - and still abandoned.
I don't owe them anything - they've offered some support at times but I've given far more tbh. This person is ironically a kind-hearted soul who just genuinely doesn't see how their own over-sensitivity overrrides everyone else's and is always feeling that the world is unfair to her. It's so wearing. I would love to be able to help her reflect and change on that, it would improve her life no end - but I can't see it happening.

I have found generally that people who just suddenly drop you for no reason have either ran out of uses for you or found someone more useful.

I walked to school with someone (with our kids) for the whole of infants and a year of juniors, used to run her places when she wanted a lift, gave her and kids lifts to school when raining, even took her kids sometimes to save her going out in the cold… When her husband was off and she had car and I didn’t have one, she never once offered to take my DD in, would just text and say ‘I’ve got car today so won’t be walking with you!’…. (She could see I didn’t have car as we live in same estate)…

We parted friends at the end of year 3, then at the end of the summer holidays she text saying she was leaving earlier so she could walk slower so wouldn’t be walking with us anymore!… fair enough… but she didn’t even wait to walk back together after dropping kids, and started standing and chatting with someone I didn’t like too much… now we just say hi if we pass each other in the street and that’s it!!
I did ask once if I’d done something and she said I hadn’t and sorry if she’d made me feel a bit paranoid about that…. But then made no attempt to reassure me.. so I let it go… then she was really nasty in lockdown about everyone not sticking to the rules (in her opinion!!) … while sending her kids to school because she’s a keyworker.. even though she never works Monday - Friday!! Her partner also continued going to work because ‘he didn't want to be home’ …

I’ve decided some people are just strange or are just users… I was upset for a while about her, but now I realise how one sided it was, with me always doing the favours (running kids around for her mainly)… and now when her DP has to come home from work to run the kids to discos etc then go back to work after (10 mile round trip) then work late to make up the hours … I think to myself that I would’ve always done that before for her, saving her DP the inconvenience… or when I see them
walking to school in the rain, or waiting at a bus stop… I know 100% then who has lost the most from her ditching me!

oh and incidentally the new ‘friend’ she made had her collecting her kids from school and walking them home.. then ditched her when she no longer needed her help! even moved out of area and left without saying goodbye! & suddenly she started talking to me again, wanting to tell me all her woes…. I’m learning .. I do try to only engage in friendships now that are beneficial both ways and not just me giving my all!

Some people are like this. Hard to fathom.
I have a friend of many decades. We remember each other’s birthdays and Christmas; regularly go out to have lunch together and have never fallen out. However, if I send her an email she never replies promptly the way I would do. She once took three weeks to reply when I needed an urgent answer wanting advice. Sometimes she never replies at all. If I give her a gentle nudge about this her reply is usually a vague “I was distracted” (not an actual apology though). It’s just bad manners and lack of consideration for the feelings of another person. I like to be kind and not bear grudges.
No. What the Hell. I do bear a grudge!!!

They could have a lot going on in their lives right now they don't feel able to share. I had a friend die of breast cancer rather than tell us because she didn't want us to fuss. Maybe offer to do something together and give a date - that way they can reply with a yes, a no but another day would be great, a no thanks or a total ghost until the date goes past. It might help you to know where you stand. If you're bold enough, you could also message and ask if you've done anything to offend because you value and miss their friendship.

@Leolly I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, it sucks. However I’m grateful for the discussion ur post provoked as I’ve been ghosted a few times. On some occasions I was aware that it was due to stuff going on in that person’s life & we weren’t that close anyway. However in 2 cases I was suddenly & mysteriously dropped by someone I’d counted as a good friend and it is bewildering.

I think back in the day before social media, friendships would more easily/gradually fade away as it took more effort to maintain via landline calls, letters f2f meet ups. However with social media, whatasapp etc, we’re all so much more accessible and if ghosted, it’s so much more noticeable.

Personally I think it’s really ill mannered to ghost without explanation. Something like ‘sorry, I’m just not up to being sociable atm’ doesn’t take a whole lot of effort. But there’s no accounting for how other people see things.

Onwards & upwards! x

But if I say I don't enjoy spending time with you because xyz, they're still hurt - and still abandoned

But you've also given them a gift : the knowledge of your perception of them. They might fly into a temper tantrum and not want to hear it, but once they've got over that, they can use that information to be honest with themselves and improve. They may or may not be capable of doing that, but at least you've given them the option.

I would always want to know the truth, however brutal.

I like this. But if you don't get to the bottom of it wish her well and leave her alone.

Ghosting like this is so unreasonable! She should grow up!