I have absolutely no idea what I've done. Now what?

[Leolly]

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

I've been thinking about my friend since writing on here yesterday, and have remembered how 'useful' I was. I've got a large car, and she asked me to collect large furniture for her a few times. I was trying to move house at the time and my car was always full with decluttering bags, it wasn't convenient but because I wanted to be a 'friend' I did it. Won't be doing anything for anyone else if it's not convenient.

@Twillow of course you should give reasons as to why! It’s cruel not to.. as someone who has been on the receiving end of being ghosted, I cannot tell you the absolutely heartache of not knowing what I’ve done so wrong to warrant who I thought was my friend, cutting me out of her live, when all I’ve tried to do is be there for her. I can tell you 100% that I have been there for her just as much, actually more than she has been there for me. Our conversations were always very mutual, where we would spend half the time talking about her problems and the other time talking about mine or just having a laugh, but then that’s it, nothing, just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s upset me so much I’m even having nightmares about it then can’t sleep. I’m so bloody upset and sick of people thinking that it is ok to treat someone this way. If you care for this person at all, then do the kind thing and at least let them know what they have done so wrong to warrant that behaviour, as I can tell you, not knowing will never help them, only continue to torture them

@ScreamingBeans i know exactly how you feel, as I’m currently going through this feeling of grieving for my friend, not knowing what on earth I’ve done wrong. It’s completely heartbreaking, as I know I have been there for her through so much and we have a massive history together, so it’s incomprehensible and so hurtful how she can just no longer want to be a part of my life anymore. Clearly some people just don’t care as much as others about how much they hurt people by doing this. So sorry you have been through this too, it really does hurt so much I know

I had a friend that I spoke with and saw regularly. Funnily enough she initiated the majority of our meet ups. I had invited her to my place a few times but I always had to go to hers, walking distance.
Late last year we moved 7 miles down the road to a different village. She was going to come see our new house, cancelled twice due to non reasons. Then just stopped messaging me.
I was obviously a convenience. I would occasionally pick her kids up from school or watch them for an hour or so. I obviously have no use to her anymore.
Found out that she also used me as an excuse to go and cheat on her husband. Saying she was at our house.

I'd just write it off for one flew over the cuckoos nest. Well you enjoyed the friendship while it lasted so just leave it at that. Keep up your volunteering - it's a great way to meet new people. Don't let this weird experience make you feel reluctant to forge ahead.

Exactly this and I’ve ghosted for the same reason. All I was used for was a sounding board. Piss off now and leave me alone.

Personally I think it’s really ill mannered to ghost without explanation. Something like ‘sorry, I’m just not up to being sociable atm’ doesn’t take a whole lot of effort.

I agree. I think it shows weakness of character and I'm not sure someone who is happy to just cease all contact with zero explanation is someone you want to be friends with anyway. Just look at some of the answers on here from people who have had enough of a friendship and are happier to just dump the other person and leave them upset and wondering what happened /if the ghoster is ok than just send a quick message.

I've ended friendships before, I've not always been brutally honest about why e.g. "I just don't have the headspace and time at the moment" instead of "you're unbelievably irritating" but I'd never just leave someone hanging without saying a word. It's selfish and cruel.

Totally agree. The women who complain about being ghosted by men probably think nothing of doing it to their female friends. It’s just really rude.

I don’t get why people
are so offended about being deleted on Facebook. I’ve deleted lots of people including family. Sometimes because I’m not enjoying their posts or no longer see them in person.

I saw it as a selfish lack of self awareness that the person I ghosted never took the slightest interest in me or my family for the 15 years we were in contact. I was texted time and again with not even a greeting; just a launch into the subject of their choice which was always all about them. I listened and advised on one particular “problem” for over ten years. I was eventually the only victim of this emotional vampire. There was a long list of those that had had enough before I did. I wasn’t going to be the last man standing anymore. No explanation from me would have been sufficient. The person would have hounded me forever. I had no choice other than to completely sever all ties

Any attempt at an explanation would have been seen by them as an opportunity to hook me back in. Sometimes your mental health comes first

Yes there are times when it’s the only option.

Oh indeed. Did it sit well? Not really but as you say sometimes it’s the only option.

Yes but I did see her & talk to her almost weekly! She just suddenly disappeared from my life. I agree it's OK to run your Facebook however you want in terms of keeping & deleting friends but this was completely out of the blue.

You can just hide their posts if you don't want to see them. Unfriending is much harsher.

They could still see mine though. Sometimes I don’t want that.

I'm 78 years old and presume I'm not very nice. I don't have any friends. I don't live in England any more, not since I was 23.
A few years ago I was ghosted by the woman who sat opposite me at work. I had no idea why but I do have a habit of being tactless. I retired but used to pop in to the office. I noticed the ghosting and instead of getting it out and asking her what I said this time I said nothing. Eventually I phoned and got short shrift and that was that. She passed away sometime after.
So don't phone. It was very unpleasant. I was sorry to lose her friendship but that's life.
Try and get over the miserable feeling and carry on volunteering even though she may be there. Don't cut yourself off from your activities because of her.
I have since then been ghosted by one other woman from work and I don't know why but I don't care either.
Cheer up and try nor to dwell on it.
Good luck 👍.