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Original poster

I have absolutely no idea what I've done. Now what?

167 replies

Leolly · 08/05/2023 22:09

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

OP posts:
minkymini · 09/05/2023 17:08

AzureBlue99 · 09/05/2023 16:50

I was ghosted by an aunt, she was like a second mum to me when my mum died when I was 13. For 40 years we had this close relationship. She got married late in life and I got married around the same time. There was a bit of drift but I saw her regularly, mainly us going off and doing stuff together, shopping, lunch etc. We had a lovely day out once, she went home. The next time I rang her I could tell her tone was odd, I asked was all okay, she said yes, but she had to go. It was weird, so soon after the lovely day out. She stopped calling me. I rang a few more times, she would just say hello, and then she had to go.

A relative on the other side of my family died, who she knew. I rang and told her and she said, oh ok, and put the phone down, very cold. At this point I gave up. I never saw or heard her voice again. She died suddenly when I was on holiday a few years later.

I went to her funeral. Her friends told me she was so proud of me, and they said she was upset I had lost contact with her. Her husband and daughter said they same. She had clearly told them I had dropped her, not the other way around. It was baffling. It even occurred to me that it was her husband, but he was Mr Sociable and loved having people around and she always behaved naturally around him, until she ghosted me. Such a shame.

I think if people do drop you, don't chase. For some it is a power game.

Maybe she felt when you got married you didn't need her as much ? Or sorry to say maybe she didn't like your husband or he upset her in some way ?

EarringsandLipstick · 09/05/2023 19:21

@AzureBlue99

That's really sad. And a whole new level of ghosting, I think I'd find that very hard to ever come to terms with.

AzureBlue99 · 09/05/2023 19:21

No, my OH is easy going, he got on well with her. He was as baffled as me.

AzureBlue99 · 09/05/2023 19:25

@EarringsandLipstick It hardened me up, to tell you the truth. I don't think anyone would get under my skin anymore. I won't chase anyone. It was weird. She did such a lot for me when I was growing up. Then nothing.

Spottedsox · 09/05/2023 19:27

Why not call them.
Ask or leave a voice message.
All this text.
Some of us fade away when we have our own stuff going on.
Assuming is only assuming.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/05/2023 20:39

AzureBlue99 · 09/05/2023 19:25

@EarringsandLipstick It hardened me up, to tell you the truth. I don't think anyone would get under my skin anymore. I won't chase anyone. It was weird. She did such a lot for me when I was growing up. Then nothing.

That's an awful way to be toughened up, it's so strange - obviously all about her & not you, but so difficult not to have answers.

I had similar odd relatives who were great with me as a child / teen & ignored me once an adult but they were always odd, so not all that surprising!

Noodles1234 · 10/05/2023 15:47

Maybe she is busy / keeping herself busy, is she well or could she struggle sometimes?
Either way, just be normal and if she brings anything up mention you’re happy to always meet up for a cuppa if she would like to.

exaltedwombat · 10/05/2023 17:52

This very likely/almost certainly Isn't About You. Carry on with your life. Her move.

NoKnickerElastic · 10/05/2023 18:04

I've been ghosted twice by people I would have considered reasonably good friends but not super close. 1 of them went as far as deleting me on Facebook & to this day I have no clue what I did. No mutual friends so I can't ask anyone. I'm puzzled more than hurt. I have my own theories but would absolutely love to know why it happened!

ChippyPrincess · 10/05/2023 18:07

It may not be anything to do with you. My joyful, bubbly and usually quick-to-respond relative stopped returning my calls and messages - I later found out that she had been suffering from severe depression so bad that she was unable to get out of bed. I had no idea.

sushiecookie · 10/05/2023 18:13

So my only DD is about to turn 14. I'm a single parent who has always worked, struggled to pay my way etc. (Just for background information).
So for the last few weeks she has announced- rather the usual farking pestering on a daily basis that she wants a rather expensive laptop which has gaming capabilities. Hmmm. So I research into this, and it's like over £600! Not to mention that last birthday it was a bloody iPhone, Xmas a poxy ipad, which I only just paid off a couple of months ago. She then said to me yesterday that she didn't mind a lesser version. Phew! Or so I thought... I managed to sort my finances out and bought her the "lesser" version. As I was so excited and thought I'd cheer her up I stupidly told her. All fucking hell broke loose. Screaming, slamming doors ( kinda expected teen behaviour at times) but calling me a C and telling me to go kill myself was out of order. Full stop. I let her calm down, have a shower and thought nothing of it when she stormed off into her room. Five minutes later, I hear the door slam and off she went! I text and call her to ask where the hell she thinks she's going in a thunderstorm!!? She continues to punish me emotionally for an hour. When she finally comes home, she laughs and tells me I'm stupid, I was on the bus! She craftily left her pass holder on the bed and took her card in her phone. What the hell have I done so wrong??! Advice needed to help navigate this shit.

sushiecookie · 10/05/2023 18:13

Woops. I was supposed to start a post!! Apologies!!! Xxx

BaconChops · 10/05/2023 18:22

Duckcurtains · 08/05/2023 22:14

I'd ring. Have an actual conversation. No relationship problem has ever been resolved via text. Probably it's all a misunderstanding if you genuinely don't know what it could be, or maybe she's not actually OK.

I agree. If she doesn’t answer or return your call. Leave it there. Nothing else you can do.

sadsack78 · 10/05/2023 18:30

It's not necessarily anything you've done at all.
She might be going through something and not able to keep up her usual social ties. She could be depressed or going through something rough that makes keeping up with others outside her family too much right now.

Or she might not feel up to putting in the work to maintain your friendship. You write that you have become friends in the last 12 months or so. Making and keeping new friendships takes a lot of energy and commitment and it can be easier to let text messages slide.
It might well be the kind of thing where if you bumped into her out and about she'd be happy to see you and stop for a quick chat but she can't find the time and energy to text back properly and arrange a meetup.

Loopylambs · 10/05/2023 18:35

We all have that one friend who we don’t hear from for months and then suddenly reappears as if nothing has happened. Not all people are as thoughtful as you.

Wimin123 · 10/05/2023 18:41

I had a friend who I regularly ran with. On one of our runs she suddenly became really upset so we stopped and talked. She confided in me that her boyfriend was very controlling and she felt uncomfortable about thinking about how he used to wait outside school for her - think he was late twenties and she was about 14 years old. He was also accessing porn etc etc.I was really careful with what I said to her but made it plain that if she wanted any practical support etc I would help. She then proceeded to ghost me and married him and had a child. It was as if I had imagined the whole emotional breakdown and I was the one in the wrong. If I see them now it’s very civil but it’s so strange - I can only assume she regrets telling someone or she said something to him and he banned me from her life…

Mandyjack · 10/05/2023 19:09

It seems sadly you've been ghosted. It's happened to me before and it's horrible and it's been people who I've been close friends with (or so I thought)
I think you just need to leave it there and not contact again and you've tried several times.

Angrywife · 10/05/2023 19:10

I have depression and anxiety and it can come over me like switching the light off. My way of coping is to retreat. Block everyone out and heal. As I start to feel better I reach out again. Fortunately I have some very good friends that understand.

If I were you I'd maybe send 1 more message saying you hope everything is ok and you'll still be here if she wants to meet up for a chat in the future.

Leave the door open should she have retreated for a while.

Kteeb1 · 10/05/2023 19:18

When I found out my husband had been having an affair and was leaving me I went to bed for 2 weeks and barely got up. I didn't speak to anyone. My very best friend I texted and told but said I couldn't speak to her right then. Everyone else I didn't speak to until I felt better it may not have anything to do with you. I would send her a nice message saying you're there if she needs you. That way if she is in a bad way you're being kind and if she's being a cow well it will make her feel bad.

WilsonMilson · 10/05/2023 19:28

I never assume anything is about me unless proven otherwise, I just wouldn’t take it personally. If it is personal and you know you haven’t done anything malicious, then she is rather petty so again not your problem and no loss.

It’s probably something going on in her own life. I am super low maintenance with friends. They know where I am if they want to get in touch and vice versa, at other times we get on with our lives.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/05/2023 19:43

I must admit not hearing from a friend for two or three weeks probably wouldn't alarm me, but we have quite a lot of elastic in our contact, and mine go off-grid for weeks during term time or if stressed with kids and we get back together when we can usually in the holidays or walking the dog or something. Or one might text/want to meet up if there's a lot going on, and then that might be over for a bit.

In this situation, you've texted three times, got one abrupt answer ages afterwards and your question has gone unanswered. Just stop texting! If the person is upset or stressed with their own lives, or just a weirdo who blows hot and cold, either way if they are a concerned friend they will pop up again, apologise and put things back on track.

wistfullyfocused · 10/05/2023 20:14

WilsonMilson · 10/05/2023 19:28

I never assume anything is about me unless proven otherwise, I just wouldn’t take it personally. If it is personal and you know you haven’t done anything malicious, then she is rather petty so again not your problem and no loss.

It’s probably something going on in her own life. I am super low maintenance with friends. They know where I am if they want to get in touch and vice versa, at other times we get on with our lives.

I think that’s a pretty good policy.

imnotsadyouresad · 10/05/2023 20:19

OP, you've made this all about you.

I went through a major health crisis last year, and apart from not wanting to talk about it, I physically didn't have the energy to maintain friendships because of how ill I was. My very good friends gave me space, and once I had the energy to speak to one, they discreetly let the others know that there was something wrong, but I had enough support and to continue to wait for me to reemerge.

I knew I was loved without having to talk to every single one of my very good friends - when things are tough, it's so hard to reply to an innocent 'how are you?' message. So you tie yourself up in knots and then you don't.

If someone who wasn't in my inner circle kept asking what they'd done wrong to not get a reply, it would have added to my stress at a very difficult time.

Sometimes when people can't cope, they retreat. And sometimes the help they need in that crisis isn't from you. Asking once is fine, but if they don't respond, the second message has to say that you understand they must have things going on, it's totally OK, and you'll always be there if they need you.

True friends don't assume the other one hates them when they go quiet. They assume the other one is struggling and offer low key support with no deadline.

oosha · 10/05/2023 20:36

Sometimes it’s hard to know what is going on in others lives. I would leave her too it. If she values the friendship, she will be back. If not then move on. It’s horrible but life is too short to hang onto people who don’t respect you.

WilsonMilson · 10/05/2023 20:44

imnotsadyouresad · 10/05/2023 20:19

OP, you've made this all about you.

I went through a major health crisis last year, and apart from not wanting to talk about it, I physically didn't have the energy to maintain friendships because of how ill I was. My very good friends gave me space, and once I had the energy to speak to one, they discreetly let the others know that there was something wrong, but I had enough support and to continue to wait for me to reemerge.

I knew I was loved without having to talk to every single one of my very good friends - when things are tough, it's so hard to reply to an innocent 'how are you?' message. So you tie yourself up in knots and then you don't.

If someone who wasn't in my inner circle kept asking what they'd done wrong to not get a reply, it would have added to my stress at a very difficult time.

Sometimes when people can't cope, they retreat. And sometimes the help they need in that crisis isn't from you. Asking once is fine, but if they don't respond, the second message has to say that you understand they must have things going on, it's totally OK, and you'll always be there if they need you.

True friends don't assume the other one hates them when they go quiet. They assume the other one is struggling and offer low key support with no deadline.

Great post, totally agree. I have had periods of health problems and I’m exactly the same when in a flare. Hope you’re better now @imnotsadyouresad