I have absolutely no idea what I've done. Now what?

[Leolly]

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

If you have shared hobbies and friends this is the last thing I'd do. It's highly unlikely she'll answer.
Have you ever had someone ask you on a date (or a 2nd date) and when you decline they ask why....this is the female equivalent. She doesn't want a close friendship. A call after those texts would be the kiss of death for me.

It's really not that strange. It happens all the time, honestly, ask around.

@JudgeRudy I asked that because it seemed clear I had, because I wanted to know what it was, and because I wanted to make amends if possible.

But you are right, it wouldn't be right to call or message further so I won't. I do find it strange, yes, because it's never happened to me before.

I was also ghosted by someone I'd known for about 15yrs. Also a "K".

It fucking hurt. I questioned myself over and over. What had I done/said or not said ..

Try and accept they have backed out of the friendship. And it won't be all about you whatever their reason.

Thankfully some other friends told me to move on and I realised I had ignored a few red flags. I do miss the giggles we had and I'm sad it ended with her now pointedly ignoring me. But I don't put all the blame on myself now.

Yes my experience too. It can be very confusing and upsetting

I think assuming a missing x means you've upset her is odd. You have a very regimented view of how people should communicate and it's likely she just doesn't share those views. I have friends that text regularly and then it will wane for a while. Sometimes we'll pop a kiss at the end of a text. Sometimes not. None of us are analysing the minutiae of our messages in that way.
She might be ghosting you. She might be busy. She might be trying to create less rigid expectations around the communications between you both. She might be emotionally swamped. None of that means you need to analyse 'what you did'. Just respect the boundary she is currently drawing.

I was ignored for six months, many years ago, by a neighbour and a friend, then she started talking to me again. One day I asked her why she ghosted me for so long and it turned out her reason was absolutely absurd. When these things happen we feel guilty, as if it is our fault but it generally isn't

Some people just don’t enjoy socialising in this way. I love meeting up with friends and going for a coffee or lunch. We’ll catch up on WhatsApp every few months to arrange it and that’s great. We then have plenty of news to catch up on in person. I’ve got a lot going on in my life right now. I know people are just trying to be nice but the constant contact from people messaging to see how I’m doing drives me insane. I can’t bear it, it makes me feel suffocated. My phone goes off endlessly and with each one that comes in I think about how I’m going to have to sit down later and go through them all and respond to everyone when I finally get a moments peace. Don’t take it personally. Maybe your friend just needs some space and time and doesn’t feel like small talk right now. If anyone badgered me with multiple messages I’d be even less likely to want to respond. If she wants to, she’ll get back to you when she’s good and ready and if that doesn’t work for you then so be it.

I never respond to texts unless it is business or my husband or children.
If it is really urgent or a close friend, people will phone..
I don't want continual text interaction - nothing personal - I'm not modern. I don't like the outcome that is here where a text conversation has to be answered, on and on or people make assumptions.
I think many people are slaves to their own devices.

Is this on WA?
This may be totally irrelevant but for some reason my WA put some messages straight to archive with no notifications. I seemed to completely blank someone and also been blanked by someone else as the same happened to my messages to her

Either she’s having a massive crisis or she’s just one of those people who does this stuff.

If it’s the former she knows you are around when she has the headspace.

The chances are it’s the latter. I know it’s upsetting but it’s her issue not yours, coff about it and move on. Do not keep chasing her, you are just feeding distress.

Hi @Leolly It could just be one of those things- maybe you somehow did something to annoy her, maybe she has a new boyfriend, maybe she's struggling with her health, none of us can say.

Try and get on with your life own activities although I know it's upsetting. If she comes back she comes back.

I’ve had a lot going on recently and I can’t give us much friendship wise at the minute. I’ve had a couple of friends think I’ve ‘ghosted’ them, which is a shame as I can hardly deal with my own stuff let alone be sending long texts saying that I still like them as friends. It can feel a bit emotionally draining. To be honest, if they are my friends they will just accept that I can’t always available.

I think messaging 3 times was you not giving your friend some space. She hadn’t messaged you back - but that’s OK isn’t it? Friendships do naturally wax and wane. It sounds as if you had developed over a year an expectation of how much you saw each other and texted.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, but a year isn’t really that long in a friendship and most friendships fall off. Very few last a lifetime. So you saying that it is very unusual and getting worried makes me wonder if this friendship was particularly important to you?

I keep going through the same thing with my ‘friend’ I’m sick of feeling like I’ve upset her. It’s just very clearly a one sided friendship that I care a lot more about than her. People who want to be friends will make time for you, not saying they don’t have time or felt too tired etc then post on Facebook etc. Sorry, I know I’m derailing your thread a bit here, but I’m just trying to say I understand how you feel. She clearly isn’t as good a friend as you thought and so time to distance yourself. If she has done it once, she will keep doing it and you will keep wandering what you have done wrong, it just isn’t worth that ache you feel worrying about it. I know it’s hard to let it go though, as I also hate it when I feel like I’ve upset someone somehow. My ‘friend’ knows this as well, but doesn’t stop her from doing this to me regularly.

I've ghosted a friend because she kept banging on about how rich she was. It was annoying. Mutual friends weren't bothered by it, but I really was. She kept saying how great her kids' posh schools was, away from the rough kids. She obviously didn't mean that my kids were rough, but still. She kept wanting to go to expensive places for lunch, and it just stopped being fun spending time with her. She send a few long heartfelt messages. I feel like I've put her on pause. I'm glad she's successful, but I'm a bit sore that I'm not, I suppose.

I had the same a few years ago with someone who was a close friend. We would text regularly and go out for drinks at least once a month. Then suddenly one day she ignored my text and blocked me on all social media.

At the time it drove me crazy wondering what I had done. A few weeks after I was telling a mum at the school gates about it and it turned out the 'friend' who had ghosted me had done the same to this mum's sister about a year before. I know of 2 other people she's done it to since she did it to me.

Some people are just very strange.

This ^.

"Nowt so queer as folks" as they say.

I'd assume it's this. I wouldn't be worrying that I'd done something wrong.

If I'm going through something and aren't feeling communicative it's really pressurising to get a message from someone asking if they've upset and it would annoy me immensely that they assume everything is about them, I definitely wouldn't be replying to that!

Hopefully your friend comes back to you soon with an explanation of what's been happening. If not, I guess the friendship is over. I wouldn't worry either way. If you have upset her and she's responded by giving you the silent treatment, there's no point trying to start a conversation about it because you don't really want a friendship where you're running round after them every time they take offence at something anyway, do you?

Sometimes I find friends have different expectations to me regarding the frequency of contact and meeting up. I am a busy mum who works almost full time but I'm also an introvert and value my space. I don't want to commit to seeing the same friend every week for example and my guard goes up if I feel I'm being 'pestered' as lovely as their intentions might be.

What immediately sprang to mind was mental health struggles going on or and something else in the meantime unfortunately, has happened in her life and she can't cope with usaul social niceties expections, that's required of her and anyone ,

My advice is , she could come back to you,

It could be just her way of dealing with stuff to retreat in herself to reflect ruminating or over analysing stuff,

Sometimes people just need space when stuff happens in their personal life which is overwhelming or suffocating,

It's not you @Leolly

So don't take it personally, she might tell you later on, or hint about something going in her life,

My advice is ensure you cultivate other friendships aswell,
don't depend on this one,

I know it maybe difficult if you are not naturally extrovert to do this,

Look into making friends through common shared interests, hobbies and just getting out there, trying out new things in life, interests ect, that you are curious or like

I can relate to your friend, as I can be like that, when I have too much personal stuff going on in the background and I feel like I am spinning those plastic plates like a circus 🎪 act..

There are many reasons this might have happened.

She could be feeling very low mood and unable to maintain the socialising, and not able or willing to admit how she feels.

She may be ill and not up to socialising but also unwilling to deal with telling people and having them fuss over her. Some people have a really strong instinct to be alone when they are ill.

She could be finding the new friendship too intense - maybe it has developed too quickly and she feels a bit trapped and prefers looser attachments than you are keen on.

You might have said something that has inadvertently deeply hurt or upset her and she is not the confrontational kind, and prefers to cut ties than explain and try to resolve it.

She might have families issues that are deeply preoccupying her which she doesn't want to discuss but are putting her off socialising.

She may feel on reflection that she's just not as connected with you as you appear to be with her and doesn't want the friendship to deepen.

She might be a game playing manipulator who loves the power trip of reeling a new friend in and then cutting them off. I've seen that happen. Puzzling but does exist.

It's impossible to know and pointless to guess. You have made overtures and she has brushed them off. It's not your fault. You can't do anything more. I'd keep going to the volunteering, keep socialising with the others in the group you mixed with and if you feel it's appropriate, maybe ask some of them if they've seen her as you were friendly but now she'd rapidly cooled off. But you also have to accept you might never find out. It's painful, but you will make other friends who don't do this.

Does she suffer from depression? When I'm in a hole I'm crap at being in touch with people. Luckily my friends know this and let me be. It sounds like she's dealing with something. Give her space and she'll probably explain when she's feeling back to her normal self.
Either that or she's a flakey dick.

I can’t see whether you’ve mentioned whether you’re male or female, OP, but if you’re male, I’d say the most likely scenario is that she’s met someone else and doesn’t feel friendship with another man is appropriate, or that her new boyfriend doesn’t.

It sounds frustrating to not know, and it’s sad she can’t just tell you, but maybe you wanted more from the friendship than she did.

you're being slowly ghosted, which I guess is tough, but maybe you should have gotten the message a couple of messages ago when she didn't reply as you have sent several extra messages without getting the hint (sorry!)

Whilst I agree OP is being ghosted, MN always suggests sending further messages when this happens as people always say things like "she probably just forgot to reply" or "she's just busy- I'm not glued to my phone!" etc so I feel like you cant win in these situations. If you only send one message then you're being too demanding and petty, if you send another you're being clingy!

OP- there are only two feasible explanations here considering that this has happened so suddenly and is out of character for her:

1. Its not about you- she has something very stressful going on and doesnt feel able to share it with you
2. It is you and for whatever reason, she doesnt want to be friends with you any more.

In both cases there is not much more you can do and I wouldnt send any more texts. You've made it clear you are here for her and she's choosing to ignore you. Thats really rude of her and I am always very suspicious of people who can get emotionally attached to others and then just drop them at the drop of a hat without any warning (barring some kind of personal emergency obv).

If you have had no falling out then you'll have to chalk this up to her. You really have no idea whats going on in her mind and whilst some people can come across as lovely and friendly, maybe she has form for this? Unfortunately niot everyone will treat us the way we'd treat others and whilst its incredibly hurtful, the fact she wont even communicate her reason with you says way more about her than it does about you. Dont take it personally, just move on and focus on other friends. Ive seen quite a few instances where people have done this and then came crawling back months later saying they are sorry and it was a mistake. Not saying this is going to happen here but people DO sometimes do silly impulsive things. Dont ruminate on this- move on.

I would not say OP has a regimented view of whatever, it's you who is projecting how you communicate with others into this situation.
If someone sets the tone and communicates a certain way, it IS strange if they suddenly change. OP did not make her put x at the end of her message, friend did so herself regularly and now stopped communicating altogether.
It's normal to wonder what one did to potentially offend someone, a bit of self-reflection like that can be useful, but yes, it could have been a gazillion of other things.