I have absolutely no idea what I've done. Now what?

[Leolly]

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

I agree. If someone's behaviour is always a certain way and then they disappear and behave differently then of course you're going to wonder about it. If the friend hadnt disappeared then it would be an overreaction but taking this along with her disappearing act IS very revealing and definitely indicates something.

@Leolly it's happened to a lot of us at some point - and some of us are guilty of it too 😬

I did it as the woman in question was continually bitching about others in our friend group, she had such a negative slant on life that eventually I just ghosted - as a PP said I didn't want to give her a complete character assassination so I just ghosted.

It has also been done to me and in the long run you find yourself thinking 'hey ho' but I know it hurts at the time. I recently ran into someone who had given me the slow fade and they had the cheek to try and chat, I enjoyed grey rocking them and they got the message 😊

Happened to my in laws. They were very good friends with a lady who lived next door. She cut them off completely and, ten years later, they still have no idea why.

It hurts and you end up driving yourself mad wondering what you did wrong (if anything). But, over time, you learn to move on. I'm certain it's her and not you if that makes you feel any better.

I think the ‘she’s ghosting you’ responses are a bit melodramatic. When I’m feeling low, I withdraw from friendships. My friends recognise that, let me know they’re still there, and they know I’ll be back at some point. If they go silent, I respect that in return. No one is flouncing about ‘ghosting’.

I've name changed for this because I struggle with this. I don't know how to explain it but I get close to someone and eventually panic. I build close friendships and panic and shut myself off. I build communities and eventually panic. I shut down and can't engage anymore, even though I desperately want to and I miss those people who probably all (rightly) assume I'm a headcase.

I'm diagnosed with autism and adhd after initially seeking help for what I thought must be attachment disorder.

We moved around a lot when I was a child and being in one place too long or someone knowing me too well just feels suffocating, even though I also desperately crave long term friends and a community.

My friends recognise that, let me know they’re still there, and they know I’ll be back at some point. If they go silent

But you said your friends know you'll come back- the OP doesnt know this is "normal behaviour" for this woman- her behaviour has suddenly changed with no explanation. Of course she feels like she's been ghosted.

Perhaps she has mistakenly decided she does not wish to maintain the friendship after all as she isn't into the bother of maintaining with anybody. It most likely is nothing to do with you. It may just be her preference to not bother much with others. A few people are like that out there.

Well, I don’t tell them. I’ve never told them. The first time it happened they wouldn’t have known. But I don’t get the ‘you owe me contact or it’s all over between us’ model of friendship, anyway.

In my experience overbearing, clingy, needy or overly self-centred people tend to be the ones who get ghosted.

OP asked a pp if her friend's name begins with a certain letter, fearing she, the OP is the pp's friend. That post alone, explains it all to me.

@Leolly the best thing you can do now is to look after yourself. Think about how your meetings with ex friend have tended to go. Who did most of the talking? Did anyone overshare? Was anyone always moaning about how difficult life is? Was either of you gossiping about others constantly? If yes to any of these, think about how you want to approach things in the future with new friends.

Cut your losses. Let your ex friend move on, no-one owes their time to anyone.

This might be a bit from left field, but is it possible your friend is gay and you are not? Perhaps she thought there was more in the friendship than you did and now realises there wasn't? I am very straight (and married) and I once worked with a lovely gay woman and it took me a while to realise she stumbled over her words whenever she talked to me and went bright scarlet on a regular basis during conversations. She absolutely recognised there was no future in being friends which was sad but totally understandable.

Genuine question - how do you know your friends didn't consider you'd ghosted them the first time it happens? I was ghosted, discussed it with someone else who knew my friend. If she had made contact again after a few months, we'd have just shrugged and said how odd. I wouldn't have told friend we suspected her of ghosting.

A close friend did this to me. I later found out why and lost all respect that they didn't have the decency to say something instead of ghosting me. I had no interest when they had the cheek to try and chat a few years later.

A friend did this after about a year of regular contact outside of work, as you describe OP. Over the years I've seen them love bomb and drop 3 other women at work so I think it's their own dysfunction. I felt a bit stupid about investing so much in a new friendship as I was really hurt by the first time I was ghosted.

On the other hand a mum at toddler group was very obsessive and suffocating not long after meeting them. They were a huge gossip so I had to slowly fade but my family became the new focus of their gossip. I had to leave all village toddler activities as they went to them all and ghosting was the only way out.

But I don’t get the ‘you owe me contact or it’s all over between us’ model of friendship, anyway

What an odd way to look at friendships. Of course noone "owes" anyone contact but if the friend has been contacting OP regularly off her own back for ages and has now suddenly stopped and is ignoring her then thats rude and OP is right to wonder why. Its not about "owing" anyone anything- friends generally like to contact other friends- its perfectly normal. By the same rationale, your own friends dont "owe" you their friendship if you keep dropping them without any explanation.

I usually find that if this happens then there is something bad going on in their life. Sometimes people just have to cut the past.

This happened to me with someone who lived in my street. When we moved into our house, she was incredibly friendly and as we had a baby of the same age we ended up doing loads of stuff together. After around a year, she suddenly stopped texting … and when I texted her, she replied in a cold and abrupt manner. My husband told me I was imagining her coldness, that she was just preoccupied or busy, but I just knew by her tone and change in behaviour that something was up.
I racked my brain and couldn’t think of a single thing I’d said or done that might have offended her! I’m easygoing and not ‘needy’ - and I’m not someone who generally falls out with people, so it was just so odd.
As she lived nearby, my suspicions were confirmed when she literally blanked me in the street!
To this day, I haven’t a clue what I did … but I later made friends with another neighbour who told me she’d done exactly the same thing to her… ie, being quite close followed by cold indifference. I came to the conclusion she was just one of these people who take offence at the tiniest thing and it was her problem. Thank goodness she moved away… not saying hello to a neighbour is just ridiculous, whether you’re good friends or not!
I also think that it’s really unpleasant not to tell someone what the problem is if they have done something to offend you. Ghosting or abruptly ‘fading’ away is the coward’s way out. Of course, people can withdraw from a friendship if it’s not working for them - but at least she could say something like ‘Hey I’m busy at the moment … blah blah…’ That would be much kinder if she slowly wanted to withdraw. She must have understood you were worried and she chose to send a cold reply. And if she was having some sort of crisis or health issue, she could still have added that kiss at the end of her message or just added a few extra words. Like you say it’s silly, but we know when someone’s tone changes or the emojis and kisses disappear - if that’s their usual style.
Hope you feel OK OP… I remember how upset I was. It’s so disconcerting when you discover a friend is not the person you thought they were. Try to focus on your other friendships and see what she does next. The ball’s in her court for sure.

That's intereting I correspond with someone over WA, not a friend and stopped replying to me then eventually she did and said the same thng had happened

I thought it was an excuse for flakinesa but maybe it was true

Why assume its all about you? More likely she has something private/confidential going on that's taking all her energy and attention and she's handling it herself. Doesn't want to share/explain .

I was ghosted by three people within a couple of years a long time ago.

One was a serial ghoster and on reflection, a bit nuts. I did find out what I'd done 'wrong' but it was just an excuse to ghost me.

The other two were very good to me when we were friends, but they were popular, nice people and I had two disabled kids by that time and I think they felt they didn't have the emotional capacity to support me.

I was really sad about the second two - it felt like a sliding doors moment where I watched the life I would have lived if my dc weren't disabled, evaporate. However, I now think they were people who made friends easily and probably took on more than they could handle.

Please don't take this personally op. It's not you.

When the writings on the wall, ie, I don’t want to know, why can’t people just accept that.

A relative of mine had a good friend that she often spent time with. They have children of similar ages and live nearby. They would send homemade food to each other, go running together etc etc The relative even made her own kitchen nut-free because her friend had a peanut allergy. They were always texting jokes etc.

The other woman's husband was a bit of a prick, so when she suddenly stopped responding to messages or plans, she thought it was because he was being controlling.

Since they lived close, it was a bit awkward that she was so cold. If they met in the street or at the school gates, there was just a weak 'hi', without eye contact. Relative asked her if there was a problem or misunderstanding, but woman said that she was just a bit busy.

Several months later a mutual friend mentioned in passing that this woman had told her that she realised she was bisexual. I do wonder if that was why their friendship chilled. Either the husband was jealous or it became too painful a secret for the woman to maintain.

There could be a raft of reasons, which may or may not have anything to do with you. As per my username, when I'm in need of a transfusion I know I can't be bothered with anyone. Close family and friends visit anyway but beyond that no one gets a look in because I don't have the mental capacity to deal with them. I'm not being mean.
I have old friends from childhood but new acquaintances who may see themselves as friends don't know me in the same way. I'm quite private. Only those closest to me know what I deal with on a day to day basis. I have a life threatening condition (bad enough that I receive PIP) but they wouldn't know that and i don't discuss it on social media either. If they become needy I don't want confrontation, nor do I want to waste precious headspace on them. I'd put minimal effort into responding, not opening messages or replying quickly because I know that then opens a dialogue.

If your very good friend … not casual acquaintance … stopped communicating with you out of the blue, you wouldn’t want to know why?

Seriously?

Because it's hurtful. It's confusing. One day you're having coffee and laughing together and a month later you realise there's been no reply to your latest message suggesting meeting. And suddenly this person that you considered one of your closest friends for over 10 years, is completely out of your life. Plus your child is upset as friend's child was THEIR best friend, and you can't tell them why we don't see them anymore.

Do you seriously think it's that easy to just accept that?

I doubt that you've done anything specifically wrong, OP. Sometimes people just don't want to pursue a friendship for whatever reason, even if they've previously been friendly. I'd write this one off - if she gets in touch, then you can decide whether you want to bother or not.

I did once have a friend who was very needy and kept sending messages saying "are you okay?" because I was madly busy and hadn't got round to replying to several chit-chat texts from her. I ended up feeling pissed off and sending her a message saying "yes, thanks", in the hope that she would back off. I'm still in touch with her, but keep her very much at arm's length because I have lots of friends and DC and don't have time for friends who start navel-gazing about whether they've offended me because I don't reply to them.

I’ve been the ‘ghoster’ recently. Like others said let it go, it’s hard to explain why I wanted out without telling her how awful her behaviour is. My ‘friend’ is, I think, terribly insecure and would frequently tell me how all the women are jealous of her as soon as she walks into a party or any sort of gathering. At the same time she would say how women who dress in a certain way (and proceeded to describe me) are laughable. Women who wear long hair after a certain age (again me) are cringe. My weight and what I ordered, my alcohol intake, my skin etc - she criticised everything. I started having anxiety attacks at the thought of meeting or bumping into her. She bombarded me with messages, not understanding why out of nowhere I had zero time to meet up. Fuck these people.