I have absolutely no idea what I've done. Now what?

[Leolly]

I met a woman last year through a common volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's.

This is a very insightful post ... I feel so sorry for you, you describe that 'sliding doors' moment perfectly.

I am in a similar position, but I don't have children with disabilities. In my case, it's being a single mother, 3 DC. My life is incredibly busy. I've no support. I've plenty of acquaintances & people to chat to, but real friendships are challenging as I can't participate in the way others want.

I had a really good friend, DC of similar ages. We spent so much time together & it meant a lot. Over time our lives diverged more & more - mine became more complicated, with ongoing legal & financial issues, while hers improved with more opportunities for travel, home improvements, nights out. She started to spend more time with friends whose lives more closely matched hers.

Even though I didn't talk that much about my problems, I felt like she really wanted to move away from any requirement for emotional support.

She didn't treat me very well but I miss her, and our friendship, keenly, nearly 5 years on. I just really wasn't relevant to her life. We have occasional text contact but that's all.

I have gone through a lot of pain wondering why people are being flaky / cutting contact. I have eventually realised that it's often for no reason - they're ok, you've done nothing. It's often a matter of people only making time for what matters most to them & what meets their needs, and they aren't even conscious of causing hurt or distance.

I'm gradually trying to a little bit more of this myself - focus on my needs more than worrying about everyone else's.

Been reading through this thread and I am wondering if a lot of these so called friends were CF or users - once they got what they wanted then goodbye ?

A competitive friend . Be glad she's gone as these sort of friendships are awful . She was using you as her yardstick to boost her weak self esteem.

I think you've been replaced.

I think a little. Not necessarily fully or overly CF, but that at a certain point a friendship suited them, and then it didn't for whatever reason & they moved on.

It may not be conscious but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Equally, there can be odd envy in some friendships - that might not seem logical. A friend of mine who was utterly lovely to me when I was going through a terrible time and kind to my kids, treats me in a really unkind dismissive way when we meet professionally especially where I'm in a position of leadership / responsibility eg running an event, chair of a meeting. She seems to need me to be vulnerable / needy & can't cope when I'm assertive or able, as I am in my professional life!

Perhaps you've got a bit closer than she wanted or she worries about your having romantic feelings and she wants to cool things and not lead you on.

Or they recognised that the one they ghost as a CF or drama lama and retreat carefully.

I think constant texts and reading a lot into kisses might mean you come across as quite needy. Some people just don't have the headspace for that.

She probably has something else going on. An illness in the family, CoL crisis, MH issues.. that she does not want to share. Probably nothing to do with you.

It will be her not you.
I know lots of women like this. They have a flavour of the month for a while, giving them lots of attention and meets ups then they find a new flavour so the other one gets dropped.
Its very common and awful for the dropped person who thinks they’ve done something wrong.

I had a friend like this - decided she was my best friend and tbh I was flattered. She was struggling as going through a divorce, I helped her through that, and was promptly dropped (and replaced by a new BF) at the end of that. I've since realised she sort of has 'crushes' on women and they are flavour of the month for a while before being replaced. I have lots of other friends but I was quite hurt initially.

I also have a close friend who is a massive narcissist, I am fond of her but have been close to dropping her several times as she is overbearing, demanding, competitive, always has drama going on in her life and tries to suck people around her (ie me) into that drama. She is also getting divorced and her ex-husband thinks we're having an affair (we're obviously not). I fluctuate between thinking I should kick her out of my life and being fond of her - despite her many issues, she actually does have a kind heart. Friendships can be complicated!

This happened to me and I dropped round a card and some chocolates saying I was so sorry if I’d upset her or been insensitive in any way. I was going to respect her space and not message her any more but I was there and if she ever still fancied a cup of tea to give me a shout as I valued her friendship highly.

We are friends again now. It turned out we were pregnant with our third children at the same time (I didn’t know she was pg) but she’d sadly had a miscarriage and couldn’t face seeing me.

She got back in contact when she was 20 wks pg with her DS. And apologised on a night out a year or two later.

Anyway, you sound like a nice and considerate person so either you’ve upset her by accident - and this doesn’t make you a bad person - or it’s something going on in her life - whether that’s struggling or being too busy/too fickle.

I don't think it's you. If you had been annoying her you'd have picked up on it, I'm sure. Maybe she just doesn't feel very sociable atm. She could've explained though - it's a pretty shitty way to treat someone. Do you have any mutual friends you could mention it to? I had something similar happen but with an old friend I didn't see often. Suddenly she stopped replying/sending messages. A mutual friend told me she'd cut a load of friendships, including his gf, but no-one knew why.
I would just let her be. Don't blame yourself.

I’d now back off and leave things. I know you tie yourself in knots. It’s happened to me before. For whatever reason the relationship has run it’s course. Don’t take it personally.

Or they recognised that the one they ghost as a CF or drama lama and retreat carefully
In the scenarios here, that's unlikely.

IMO if someone is questioning what they might have done or is sad about the loss of a friendship, they are unlikely to be a CF. They might of course be drama llamas, or expecting too much from a friendship, but again, if they have the self-awareness to ask what they might have done, it's less likely.

Maybe the ‘honeymoon’ period of a new friendship is over. She’s looking at the friendship with a cooler eye and has decided it, you, aren’t actually what she needs. It happens in quite a lot of circumstances, when you frist go to university etc. No malice intended, it’s just, after a bit of clarity, not what suits. It’s undeniably painful though, but to push it wouldn’t be wise.

Jeez no, don't do this! I'd find this really intrusive and a bit stalkerish.

If you don't normally ring, don't ring her now. And don't drop around chocs and a card either. Just go your own way.

I’m appalled by the number of people defending your “friend”. She’s been rude and hurtful. Ghosting is pathetic and immature.

Even if she’s got a lot going on, it takes almost nothing to say “I’ve got a lot going on, so taking some time to myself”. She’s rude, and she’s not bothered about your friendship. Definitely not worth fighting for.

Hmmm. My initial reaction is that she has something going on in her life and just doesn't have the energy/doesn't want to talk to you about it.

I wouldn't have asked whether you'd done something to upset her. I think it's clear she had something going on so jumping to this conclusion does seem a bit self absorbed. I totally get it, I'm a people pleaser and a worrier so I'd be the same but if she does have something going on I can see why she'd be thinking "FFS, this isn't about you."

It's hard when we want answers and don't get them but I don't think there's anything you can do now unfortunately rather than not message her again and give her some space.

I ‘ghosted’ a friend. I’d just had enough of her selfishness, it was all her, her, her. Never asked how we were, my kids etc. I never explained why as I thought if it needed explaining then she was more blinkered than I ever thought.

I think there are quite a few strange folk out there and it is just one of those things Ignore it op. Better people out here to be honest.

They contacted me months later (when they needed a favour), we text occasionally now. Still no idea what happened. I've stopped trtying to guess.

I've known a couple of people like this and ime it was a "flavour of the month" thing. Huge bff's with someone and then for no reason the BFF can work out, drops them. And they had always found a new BFF who would in the fullness of time, get dropped and so on.

They are just selfish self serving people.

Yes she might have stuff going on but a decent person would take a few seconds to say that and they'll be in touch when things are better.

I was ghosted by an aunt, she was like a second mum to me when my mum died when I was 13. For 40 years we had this close relationship. She got married late in life and I got married around the same time. There was a bit of drift but I saw her regularly, mainly us going off and doing stuff together, shopping, lunch etc. We had a lovely day out once, she went home. The next time I rang her I could tell her tone was odd, I asked was all okay, she said yes, but she had to go. It was weird, so soon after the lovely day out. She stopped calling me. I rang a few more times, she would just say hello, and then she had to go.

A relative on the other side of my family died, who she knew. I rang and told her and she said, oh ok, and put the phone down, very cold. At this point I gave up. I never saw or heard her voice again. She died suddenly when I was on holiday a few years later.

I went to her funeral. Her friends told me she was so proud of me, and they said she was upset I had lost contact with her. Her husband and daughter said they same. She had clearly told them I had dropped her, not the other way around. It was baffling. It even occurred to me that it was her husband, but he was Mr Sociable and loved having people around and she always behaved naturally around him, until she ghosted me. Such a shame.

I think if people do drop you, don't chase. For some it is a power game.