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Husband eats weekly shop in 2 days

186 replies

husbandfoodproblems · 06/05/2023 21:15

Same as most people, we are now on a tight budget. We are a family of 3, son 7, H and I been together 12 years. I'm disabled, we make do, I mend my own socks and pants etc etc
He's had an IVA in the past, so he knows what he is doing. He is and has always been a big man but with the cost of living it is getting so hard to cope.
He will not eat any meal without meat. I have tried, he refuses and complains about the 'horrible food' in front of our son. He has a BMI of around 35 now, wears 3xl at 6'1 and 117 kg.
I don't mind what he looks like. I fancy him fine and I don't want to body shame but we can't afford his attitude. The trigger for my post today is we shopped 'for the week' (£100) two days ago but I just realised he has eaten NINE sausages and a pack of bacon, among other stuff today, and bought more food while he was out leaving me short to pay my credit card and phone bill.
My son and I eat normally and are normal BMI. I'm by no means slim, really and love my sweets but this is insane.
I can't tell him, he goes mad. Short of a locking box in the fridge (not even joking) what do I do?

OP posts:
PadPad · 07/05/2023 09:30

The dynamic between you is worth looking at too.

The more you “restrict” him, the worse the compulsion may get.

Seriously, get some proper advice, your son is watching all of this.

Hopelesscynic · 07/05/2023 09:44

husbandfoodproblems · 07/05/2023 08:52

Also, probably not very ethical to just remove my son to another country and tell him his dad, friends, school and hobbies are all gone. It is better to put him first and try to improve the situation which is based around money stress, cost of living.

Are you putting him first though?
And how will you improve the situation when your husband isn't willing to acknowledge it, let alone address it?
I get that it's a tough choice and you're in a foreign country struggling with disability. But you still have a choice and you can come back to the UK, where you can find a job much easier as a native speaker, you'll be entitled to benefits due to disability, etc. If you have a supportive wider family, you can ask them for help to start your new life.

Thebigblueballoon · 07/05/2023 09:52

The images of your husband in my head are making me feel quite sick. That is pure gluttony and I’m not sure how you can stand watching it. He’s also teaching your children some terrible life lessons.
Eating greasy meats three times a day is not normal, he’ll be dead before you know it.
Do not shop for him anymore. He can buy his own disgusting slop out of his own budget and in his own time. Stick to your veggie-based meals and refuse to cook for this greedy pig.

MeetingPlace · 07/05/2023 10:12

It never ceases to amaze me the level of tolerance some women have.

Just when I wonder about myself and how I will sustain a long term relationship with all my faults, I read something like this, and I realise there are people who are willing to tolerate almost anything.

Being willing to starve your wife and child, really takes the cake.

No pun intended.

I really do feel for you OP, and am upset on your behalf, please get out of this situation and come home for goodness sake!!!
My mother moved me, not only to a new country but an entirely new continent, when I was about you son’s age, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, she was a single mum, we lived on benefits, it was still better than the alternative of living with my selfish narcissistic misogynist father.

SkyandSurf · 07/05/2023 10:27

husbandfoodproblems · 07/05/2023 08:25

Thank you! Yes, he is a citizen. It's nice to bring up kids here in the warm sociable country but if we hadn't had my son I would have gone.
H will have diabetes type 2 before long, he drinks easily 4 litres of coke a week. God knows what the future holds.

The future holds you being a carer for someone who has made himself very unwell.

pinkyredrose · 07/05/2023 10:37

Do you really want to be with someone who shouts at you or ignores you?

Your son is learning that this is how men treat women.

Are you from the UK originally? What country are you in now?

piedbeauty · 07/05/2023 11:24

DustyLee123 · 06/05/2023 21:20

Shop for the food daily so he can’t eat it

Why should she? That will take ages.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/05/2023 11:30

@Stravaig your post was very much how I feel. MN seems to hate anyone being shamed for anything, especially weight issues, but telling the Op that she needs to let her DH eat in huge amounts unremarked is not helpful.
It seems likely Op that he knows his eating isn't normal and does deep down feel some shame over it which is way he goes mad when you mention it. Sadly that's also why he won't go to the Dr incase they try to make him diet, rather than seeing it as a way to get help.
I know you care for him but you need to get you and your DS away to a better life. You think you're being kind to your DS but his DF is going to get worse, when he becomes ill and can't work you will be utterly stuck.
I know I sound very unsympathetic to your DH but only he can get help for himself, if he won't do that he doesn't leave you with many choices

LuluTaylor · 07/05/2023 13:01

If you legally have the right to take your son out of the country then I'd do as another poster suggested and ask family help to return to your country of origin. You are in an abusive relationship. I'm sure family would move heaven and earth to help you leave. Staying in an abusive relationship because your son has friends there is crazy talk. When he grows up and realises you stayed for him he's going to be guilty, not happy.

Until you leave, are you actually deaf or can you get a hearing aid to fix the situation? Can you teach English to the natives, for a job? You could be freelance and set your own hours if working for an employer is a problem.

I realize this is hard because you sound like you still love your husband but love isn't enough. You need respect and kindness too, for a relationship to work, and you don't have that from him.

If you loved drugs would it be a good idea to be a drug addict? Don't let your emotions rule you (like your husband does), be sensible and walk away from what is bad for you. Ultimately you're in charge of your own life, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Don't let anyone, including your husband, ruin it.

SkyandSurf · 07/05/2023 13:04

Have you lost your hearing later in life OP?

If you haven't already, please reach out to the deaf and hard of hearing community. There are lots of jobs you can do with hearing loss and it might help you to have the support and contacts to find that work.

husbandfoodproblems · 07/05/2023 14:48

I am from the UK originally, grew up here, parents UK and Scandinavia. We are now in a Mediterranean country. (The culture shock is real.)

Hearing aids are out for now because of price. I can hear if I concentrate but it's not easy for example if I can't see someone's face, or on the phone. In a foreign language spoken fast, it is virtually impossible. I do read and write the language of this place to be understood but not with great proficiency.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 07/05/2023 14:58

@husbandfoodproblems Yet if you came back to the UK for the summer/a long break/forever - wouldn’t you be entitled to free hearing tests and treatment?

we learn so much from our parents relationship dynamics. From the unspoken signals and silences to the spoken words and atmosphere.

what is your relationship teaching your son.

what is it teaching him about how he can and should treat women/his partner for when he’s older?

how would you feel if your son slowly morphed into a carbon copy of his dad in how he lives/eats and communicates with you?

all your showing is that you will sacrifice so much for your husband at a massive cost to yourself.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 07/05/2023 15:59

Approach a women's organisation in the country you are in now to find out what your rights are. Being a non-citizen, you may have limited access to public funds. You may also get Hagued if you try to take your child to the UK.

Approach a deaf organisation as well.

husbandfoodproblems · 07/05/2023 16:56

A question if anyone readily knows - if my son and I are UK passport holders and citizens (he was born in UK) can I get in trouble for going home?
He is technically entitled to a passport from the country we live in but we haven't gone through the application process because this thought of going back has floated through my mind a few times.

OP posts:
husbandfoodproblems · 07/05/2023 16:59

Also just want to thank everyone again just for talking about this with me, it feels better just to be able to talk about it.

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 07/05/2023 17:05

I'm supportive of any efforts @husbandfoodproblems can make to secure a safe return to the UK. Meanwhile, I do want to answer this:

"telling the Op that she needs to let her DH eat in huge amounts unremarked is not helpful"

The man's clearly dealing with an intense, overwhelming addiction. "Remarking" on it will achieve nothing except to make him feel attacked and (subconsciously) afraid. Every addict's response to uncomfortable feelings is to engage in their behaviour - in this case, eating even more.

The only thing any of us can do to help an addict is to listen, without judgement, if they ever want to talk about their problem. OP's husband can hardly be unaware that his food obsession is abnormal! Telling him so won't put any more food in the cupboards. Worse, it will likely push him to step up the secret eating.

So, yes, I do think it's wise to "let him" eat huge amounts. That's what acceptance looks like. You can't stop him overeating anyway, so the strategy I've tried to suggest is one of plenty - with an easy supply of carbs, proteins, fats & flavours to hand, he's less likely to sneak off on his own for takeaways & Wotsits, and more likely to have the emotional space to leave the family food for family meals.

It will require a different approach to shopping, and DH might have to be brought on board so his "personal" eating spends go towards the budget chickens, etc, to keep him satisfied. That's up to OP.

I had an eating disorder - other end, I was anorexic but, like most anorexics, I would binge occasionally. I remember the feeling: a kind of desperate fear of scarcity, and angry rebellion at the thought I wasn't "allowed" to eat 50 packets of crisps or whatever. I still get it sometimes; now I understand what's going on, and just let myself have the cakes/crisps/chocolate. I know my body will self-correct my calorie intake because my appetite is now well-adjusted.

A big part of the cure entailed stuffing my kitchen with more of my binge foods than I could possibly manage in the most extreme blowout. Now I'm not saying this is a cure in itself, far from it! But the sense of security I gained from knowing the foods were all available, in huge quantities, whenever I wanted some was essential to the rest of the work.

We can't make Mr @husbandfoodproblems want to move past his disorder and his passion. But we can help him to feel less guilt, shame and fear of it. That may well improve the atmosphere at home.

As to what DS makes of it - it doesn't sound as though he's heading that way himself, and OP is capable of explaining Dad's abnormal behaviour as a maladaptive coping mechanism, in child-friendly terms.

GarlicGrace · 07/05/2023 17:24

husbandfoodproblems · 07/05/2023 16:56

A question if anyone readily knows - if my son and I are UK passport holders and citizens (he was born in UK) can I get in trouble for going home?
He is technically entitled to a passport from the country we live in but we haven't gone through the application process because this thought of going back has floated through my mind a few times.

You should be OK from the UK government's point of view, although it seems like it will be a matter of luck whether you're treated as a lying immigrant (!) or not. I once got nobbled by UK immigration after living abroad for a while, and it wasn't pleasant although I was of course within my rights.

The question of the circumstances in which you can permanently remove a child from his parent's country of residence depends on the laws of that country, not the EU. I'd say it's worth asking your British consulate for advice.

The women's organisations you contact may also have advice on this, but be aware their expertise is with women staying in the country. Try not to get routed to international solicitors - they would know, but cost a fortune!

You can write, email or phone your consulate.

Spottycarousel · 07/05/2023 18:09

He sounds like a food addict. Addicts don't care who they hurt or deprive, all that matters is their addiction.

Unfortunately you and your child come second to his top priority which is food. That probably won't change as he sounds in complete denial. If he can't even accept that he's depriving his family of food, he needs professional support.

I couldn't live like this.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/05/2023 18:11

@GarlicGrace you've obviously been upset by my post because you have experience of your own eating disorder, which was not my intention. The Op was asking for advice so mine was tailored to helping her, she is in a difficult position and freely admits she'd leave if she could find a way to do it.
Her DH is addicted to food, just as some people take drugs or drink to much and my advice would be just the same. You can't make an addict changs, you can only help yourself

GarlicGrace · 07/05/2023 18:25

Agree with all that, @Daleksatemyshed. My only issue was with "let her husband ..." as she can't stop him, and "unremarked" as comments serve no purpose other than to force re-entrenchment.

The rest of my post was an unnecessarily long explanation of my reasoning! The worst thing about recovering addicts is they're addicted to talking about addiction ... Wink

Daleksatemyshed · 07/05/2023 18:38

@GarlicGrace I'm glad to hear you're doing well.

Summerhillsquare · 07/05/2023 18:43

Hang on a minute - you can't afford hearing aids? How on earth is that not a family funds priority?! If his overspending on food is prioritised over you being able to have a common disability aid, that is fucking disgraceful. It's more than an eating disorder, it's actual coercive control.

mathanxiety · 07/05/2023 19:53

Seriouslynotseriously · 07/05/2023 09:16

It is better to put him first and try to improve the situation which is based around money stress, cost of living

I mean this constructively, but you are making the classic mistake that so many women make, that I made. You think if you can just find the right thing to say or do you can ' fix' the problem your husband has and then everything will be ok. But you can't. None of us can ' fix' someone else. That person has to want to fix themselves and then be extremely highly motivated to put in the long term hard work and effort that needs. Your husband it nowhere near that. I know what it is like to think like you do, I know what it is like to waste over a decade trying to find the way to fix someone else's problem and the pain and frustration and ultimate hopelessness of that.

I had a compulsive eating disorder, and mine was nowhere near as bad as your husband's - I wasn't even overweight! It probably took me 5-8 years to even realise I had a problem and then at least another five years to get to the point of realising I had to do something about it and having the motivation to devise a plan and stick to it. Your husband is not even at the start of that, and its likely he never will be.

All you can work on is yourself and your own situation. I see what you have said about your employment situation. I have worked with a lot of employment support projects. Many of these are very good. Many of them will pay for training, will pay for equipment you need to work, will help you prepare a cv, prepare for interviews, help with confidence building, help you look for jobs and give you a mentor to support you through all this. Most of them are set up to work with people in your situation, so people with complex barriers to work. Try asking at your local council/ hub.

THIS

OP - you will waste your life trying to find the magic formula.

The idea that you can somehow turn this around is classic abuse victim thinking and behaviour.

Heronwatcher · 07/05/2023 21:52

I agree with @Summerhillsquare if my DH or DC needed heating aids it would be an immediate financial priority- no question. Especially given that it’s holding you back and stopping you working. And as others have said if you were in the UK I think you would get basic hearing aids free, and the language barrier wouldn’t be an issue.

Having read your updates I think you really need to focus less on the food and more on how to get yourself in a position where you can leave chin with your DC if thing’s don’t improve. The food is a massive side issue overall.

Snugglemonkey · 07/05/2023 22:35

husbandfoodproblems · 07/05/2023 01:59

No, nothing like that or recourse to benefits. Bit unfortunate really. I don't much like it here, I am frustrated at my low earning and lack of earning potential, but need to put my ds first.

Are you from the UK or Ireland? Just go home. That will be putting ds first. He can have stability,security and a happy mum. He will not have a dad who is running the family into the ground, is a bully and is a seriously poor example. You will have your own budget as you will have recourse to benefits.