Husband eats weekly shop in 2 days

[husbandfoodproblems]

Same as most people, we are now on a tight budget. We are a family of 3, son 7, H and I been together 12 years. I'm disabled, we make do, I mend my own socks and pants etc etc
He's had an IVA in the past, so he knows what he is doing. He is and has always been a big man but with the cost of living it is getting so hard to cope.
He will not eat any meal without meat. I have tried, he refuses and complains about the 'horrible food' in front of our son. He has a BMI of around 35 now, wears 3xl at 6'1 and 117 kg.
I don't mind what he looks like. I fancy him fine and I don't want to body shame but we can't afford his attitude. The trigger for my post today is we shopped 'for the week' (£100) two days ago but I just realised he has eaten NINE sausages and a pack of bacon, among other stuff today, and bought more food while he was out leaving me short to pay my credit card and phone bill.
My son and I eat normally and are normal BMI. I'm by no means slim, really and love my sweets but this is insane.
I can't tell him, he goes mad. Short of a locking box in the fridge (not even joking) what do I do?

This sounds pretty horrible. You say you’d never leave your son (of course). He is only 7. Staying in this set up for 11 more years sounds is a disaster for both you and your son? It must be horrible to feel you have no options. Your husband has a problem. You’re not creating the problem but you’re the one having to run around and make all the effort to sort it. it sounds a bit of a toxic environment for your son. Dad is very overweight and unhealthy, eats to excess to the detriment of the family budget, knowing it leaves them without and that it stresses out his dependant and disabled wife, and is angry and shouty when it’s mentioned, mum is trapped and unhappy. And now looks like one of the only possible solutions is, as a vegetarian to cook up large joints of (low welfare) meat? This makes me shudder. Fuck all this OP! Can you work remotely for a company in language where you are fluent? Or something like Data input where hearing isn’t material? Can you reach out to a lawyer, family, Support organisations? In the U.K. people on spouse, no recourse to public funds visas can nevertheless apply for indefinite leave based on domestic abuse (explicitly not limited to violence, includes financial etc) and can then access public funds, or they can apply for leave on basis of their child being a national and resident there. Or can you broach returning to your country with your son? He’s very young and the benefits to him being out of this environment and modelled relationship with financial security is so great. I really feel for you.

Not sure his BMI is relevant tbh!
It really is. He has a pattern for eating more than his fair share, including his son's food.

If anyone knows how to get a job doing data input or something easy then I would be grateful.
I have a degree in English but that was before my hearing was damaged. Could proofread etc but finding things is hopeless.

take out a sizeable life insurance policy and make him lovely fried food for breakfast lunch and dinner. Make sure there is lots or cake for snacks.
OMG you dared to say exactly what I was thinking!!

That is horrifically disordered eating. He's not just harming himself, he's being a terrible parent to set this example for his children. He then deflects and attacks you for not gorging the kids on meat they don't need and that he's already eaten! 🤯

He's also financially irresponsible, abusive to you, and leaves you all scrabbling to eat and pay the bills. This is a clear-cut LTB situation, made complicated by your health, language skills, and immigration status. Do you have friends or family who can support you in a carefully staged plan to leave?

Is he a citizen of the country where you now live and is the local diet fairly meat-based? If so he is unlikely to be open to eating less meat but you can hopefully get him to a Dr to start dealing with his issues. Will he respond better to a “we are really worried about your health” approach?

No amounts of meat are healthy but if you need to cook it and stretch the budget here are a few ideas: make a huge pot of chilli con carne (Jamie Oliver’s recipe uses 500g of mince and we get about 6-8 adult portions out of it) or a pot of bolognese mince. Both can be bulked up with carrots, celery, beans etc. Leave it in the fridge and he can have it on pasta, toast, baked potato, rice..at least he is getting some veg in. Can you make a veg based casserole and add those sausages? So he’ll get more veggie content and it’s very filling. Can you convince him to cook with you so he handles the meat?

The chocolate powder is a proper horror. I’d stop buying anything else with masses of added sugar eg coco pops and Nutella as he will just drown it all in chocolate powder anyway.

Good luck OP!

Thank you! Yes, he is a citizen. It's nice to bring up kids here in the warm sociable country but if we hadn't had my son I would have gone.
H will have diabetes type 2 before long, he drinks easily 4 litres of coke a week. God knows what the future holds.

Look at CIEP for proofreading training. If there are people writing in English where you are, you could market yourself as a native-speaker proofreader.

Don't mind him eating meat, I'm relaxed about it but it's not for just dinner, it's every meal. Breakfast, lunch and supper!

Thank you, I will look at those courses. I am near a Uni so maybe a chance.

Hi OP,

Some great advice on here, especially from@GarlicGrace

I’d also recommend looking at
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/

and if you can, think about getting some support for both of you as these things can be very complex, triggered by all kinds of things and not just simple as “stop eating everything fgs” which might be making things worse rather than better.

Probably not the quick fix you wanted but I hope helpful.

Freeze as much of the food as you can. You’ll be amazed what can be put in the freezer. That way it’s not there for the taking the second he wants it.

He evidently has some issues around food, as its affecting the family he should be proactive in taking steps to address it, I'm sure he won't though. It did make me feel sick reading what he eats, I can imagine it's especially galling given the additional stress it puts on you.

If you're in the UK OP Google 'government funded bootcamps'. These are online and there is a shortage of data specialists so if are good with stuff like that I'd look into one of the courses. Lots of remote opportunities in that sector.

If you stay with him, and the problem continues, he will likely develop illnesses and you’ll end up as his carer.

One suggestion is to cook the meat, portion it and freeze it.

He still has his curry, bolognese etc but it's portion controlled.

Just don't buy the choc powder and crap!

Write a meal plan, stuck it on the fridge including snacks and pudds.

Work out with him what he is going to have when he's bored

He won't stop and you won't leave. There really isn't another solution. He will eat you into bankruptcy and you will watch your son suffer because of it. What when your child goes hungry because his father doesn't care about anyone but himself?

There will come a day when you will have to choose. Try to prepare for that now

Yet you still married him 🤢at least he’s Ex now which must be a relief.

Unfortunately, leaving is hard when you're disabled. Employers write me off - it's not legal but it rules out quite a bit.

This is why obese people are obese. Its expensive to be get that obese and to maintain it.

It also sounds like your H may have some sort of eating disorder/ disordered eating. I would see it more as a compulsion that just selfish greed.

I don't know what the solution is OP, if he is not prepared to even acknowledge he has a problem. Disordered eating like this is very hard for people to overcome even if they are aware they have an ED and it makes them miserable so they want to overcome it.

If you cannot afford to live with him, then I guess your option is to leave.

Yes, Mumsnet has a dilemma ahead. Discussion threads here skew toward refusing to take responsibility for excess weight and self-inflicted health problems. But are we really going to advocate for women to stay in abusive relationships just because gluttony/disordered eating is involved?

Also, probably not very ethical to just remove my son to another country and tell him his dad, friends, school and hobbies are all gone. It is better to put him first and try to improve the situation which is based around money stress, cost of living.

Don't buy any more processed food. No more chocolate powder Nutella, biscuits or chocolates. Just buy meat, veg dried or tinned beans, pasta, rice, limited bread. Nothing that is convenient for him to eat.

He can snack on fruit. No more cream. For breakfast he can have porridge which is quick to make, bagel and eggs. Lentils and bean casseroles are cheap to make. You can have a piece of chicken as a side or grilled frozen fish. Red meat only once a week and bulk it up with loads of frozen veg. Hide the veg if he refuses to eat it. The rest of the time he can have boiled eggs, sausages, tinned tuna and chicken as a protein option.

Also, make sure you shop at the cheaper stores Aldi, Lidl, Iceland, Asda and do a price comparison. I would even resort to hiding food inside veg for your son.

Also can you set your bills as direct debit and standing orders to come out as soon as you get money into your account. That way it will go to the bills before he has a chance to overspend.

How old is your son?
Most children would cope with change
Do you want your son to grow up like his dad - overweight , unhealthy , disrespectful to his wife , unable to manage money ?

It is better to put him first and try to improve the situation which is based around money stress, cost of living

I mean this constructively, but you are making the classic mistake that so many women make, that I made. You think if you can just find the right thing to say or do you can ' fix' the problem your husband has and then everything will be ok. But you can't. None of us can ' fix' someone else. That person has to want to fix themselves and then be extremely highly motivated to put in the long term hard work and effort that needs. Your husband it nowhere near that. I know what it is like to think like you do, I know what it is like to waste over a decade trying to find the way to fix someone else's problem and the pain and frustration and ultimate hopelessness of that.

I had a compulsive eating disorder, and mine was nowhere near as bad as your husband's - I wasn't even overweight! It probably took me 5-8 years to even realise I had a problem and then at least another five years to get to the point of realising I had to do something about it and having the motivation to devise a plan and stick to it. Your husband is not even at the start of that, and its likely he never will be.

All you can work on is yourself and your own situation. I see what you have said about your employment situation. I have worked with a lot of employment support projects. Many of these are very good. Many of them will pay for training, will pay for equipment you need to work, will help you prepare a cv, prepare for interviews, help with confidence building, help you look for jobs and give you a mentor to support you through all this. Most of them are set up to work with people in your situation, so people with complex barriers to work. Try asking at your local council/ hub.

He sounds like my FIL. My FIL is a nice guy but his gluttony turns my stomach. He's 64 and has had cancer twice, a heart attack and has type 2 diabetes. Unfortunately he'll never stop the eating/drinking. It will put him into an early grave. I'm surprised he's still going now tbh.