Husband eats weekly shop in 2 days

[husbandfoodproblems]

Same as most people, we are now on a tight budget. We are a family of 3, son 7, H and I been together 12 years. I'm disabled, we make do, I mend my own socks and pants etc etc
He's had an IVA in the past, so he knows what he is doing. He is and has always been a big man but with the cost of living it is getting so hard to cope.
He will not eat any meal without meat. I have tried, he refuses and complains about the 'horrible food' in front of our son. He has a BMI of around 35 now, wears 3xl at 6'1 and 117 kg.
I don't mind what he looks like. I fancy him fine and I don't want to body shame but we can't afford his attitude. The trigger for my post today is we shopped 'for the week' (£100) two days ago but I just realised he has eaten NINE sausages and a pack of bacon, among other stuff today, and bought more food while he was out leaving me short to pay my credit card and phone bill.
My son and I eat normally and are normal BMI. I'm by no means slim, really and love my sweets but this is insane.
I can't tell him, he goes mad. Short of a locking box in the fridge (not even joking) what do I do?

Oh dear it sounds like you are in a difficult position. What arrangements do you have for finances.

He sounds awful, not only because he is selfish overeating and not considering his wife and child plus overspending when you cannot afford it but also because he goes mad if you challenge him. If he has had an IVA in the past he is obviously rubbish at managing money so ideally you would be either separating finances or not allowing him access to accounts. Can you not open an account like Starling with savings spaces and set money aside for bills like credit cards and phones so he cannot spend it on food? Then you do the weekly shop and when the meat is gone he either has to eat vegetarian or learn that he cannot splurge on it at the beginning of the week.

Bless your heart to the poster suggesting the Lakeland yogurt maker - I know you meant well but that is the most peak mumsnet reply I've ever read.

I was in a similar position, though nowhere near as worrying, with my ex.

This was before the cost of living shot up, as we separated 6 years ago. My ex has a mental health condition and medication that caused or contributed to his impulsivity, lack of executive functioning and food cravings.

He used to eat anything in the cupboards overnight, would take food off my plate as I eat slowly (assuming I didn't want it), eat anything I'd bought for myself. I was in tears and high anxiety much of the time, unable to budget with a weekly shop as he'd eat it all in a day or two. We were living on his disability and my carer benefits with a baby, so money was tight.

It was awful. The anxiety and stress I felt trying to budget and eat healthily while breastfeeding, while my ex took all the food.

I had to split up with him. I didn't think it was possible. I had a baby and no income.

What helped me was learning what boundaries are, how to use them and, most importantly, that I was allowed to have them.

I was then able to say, "it's not his fault he binge eats...but it affects me and I am allowed to have my own needs and wishes too."

Setting a boundary did mean, in the end, leaving him, because he wasn't able to change his behaviour.

It was very hard, but now I'm much happier. I have a new partner and a job and my ex is coping ok, our son is thriving and happy. (Ex still eats the food in the cupboards when he visits, but it doesn't matter so much now it's not a daily problem!)

I don't know your situation of course, OP, but I'd suggest if possible finding some counselling and support to help you sort through what's happening. It's not ok that he's shouting at you and ignoring your feelings and needs.

I don't think yoghurt will help in this situation but all tips are gratefully recieved regardless!
Re: immigration : we live abroad and my son is very happy, friends, great schools et. so I'd not want to do that to him, this is all he knows. For me, though, working here is virtually impossible due to my disability, shaky command of a difficult language and the hours one would be expected to put in all conspire to create a bit of a challenge keeping up with the cost of living, though I do what I can and am very much a make do and mend thrifty type!

You say you fancy him fine, despite his size but how can you not find his behaviour, the way he treats you, the influence on your child, and his incompetence utterly repulsive?

The guys a food addict and like all addictions, it will eventually come first above even their own children and will impact on daily life - finances, and eventually losing jobs and homes etc.

Would you live with an alcoholic or a drug addict? The effect doesn't seem as destructive but the end result is there. He either gets help or gets out.

Thank you for that, pussycatbeen, I can relate completely. I am in very high anxiety most of the time because there is no budget control in place. I'm on quite a lot of meds for it and it doesn't help me with my daily life or coping with meno either, sleeping etc.

No, I don't like his behaviour. He does have good qualities, so this is a perhaps not a fully-rounded view but it is something that is stressful and I would certainly live apart from him if money were no object. Managing my own budget would be preferable.

Maybe try asking on the Relationship board, lots of posters there give good advice on the practicalities of sorting your life out. Nothing is insurmountable. Maybe your situation is more tricky than most but there's bound to be a solution somewhere. Perhaps if you were living separately and so less stressed because you're able to take charge of your own destiny, you'd be in a situation health-wise where you could manage a job? Or maybe you'd get more benefits as a single person? Even if you're in a relationship with him still it's only married or living together that counts not who you're dating, so officially you'd be single.

It's a difficult one. Can't really control what someone eats, but you also can't let them put you into debt because they can't control themself. Can you give him a 3rd of the budget and tell him to do his own food shopping?

If you won't or can't change anything and he won't and doesn't want o, you get more of the exact same.

Change what you can. Learn the language for a start. Get a job so you have your own money.

Unfortunately language fluency takes a while, not quite there yet. I can't hear properly, so it puts people off hiring me because it's so obvious. If only there were more jobs for people where you don't need to hear or speak!

Are there programs for people with disabilities, women getting back into work and immigrants?

This is really sad. I certainly see how this stresses you out, @husbandfoodproblems , not only for the budget but also the extremely selfish behaviour and his intractability.

It looks like he definitely has an eating disorder - the food videos, extras on everything and the rage when challenged all speak to a severe addiction. Such things are not easily fixed, regrettably - they usually go right back to early childhood.

So, if you can't change him and aren't ready to leave him, the only thing we can look at is how to satisfy his bottomless appetite without breaking the budget.

I may be on the wrong track here, but sausages and bacon are quite unsatisfying per £ spent and are also quite poor nutritionally for the cost. If they sell cheapo chickens & pork joints where you are, how about getting those so there's always a LARGE amount of protein-rich, cooked meat in the fridge? As a rampant carnivore on a tight budget, I'm extremely grateful for budget pigs & chickens!

I also stock up on pork 'steaks' and mince, because they work out great value per plate of high-protein meat. Bags of frozen chicken pieces often work out very cheap, too. And eggs, most filling when fried. You can get very cheap frozen and tinned fish.

Does he cook for himself? If not, make huge pans of rice and pasta, preferably wholegrain because it's more filling (and healthier). Keep them in the fridge so he can help himself at will. If you think it'll help, put bowls of made-up pasta sauce (with meat or fish) and curry, etc, to go with it.

Fried bread may be lethal in the long run, but it's incredibly satisfying and cheap. Lovely with lots of salt & pepper. You can also fry rice, of course.

I think it's a great idea to make yoghurt if he can be persuaded to use it instead of cream. You can put sugar in the mixture and, the longer you leave it warm, the thicker it gets.

There's no point in getting coco pops if he's just going to add cocoa anyway, get plain old cereals if they're cheaper!

No clue whether any of this will be helpful, but if it even gives you ideas I'll be pleased.

No, nothing like that or recourse to benefits. Bit unfortunate really. I don't much like it here, I am frustrated at my low earning and lack of earning potential, but need to put my ds first.

GarlicGrace that is useful and very kind of you, thank you.
I hate cooking the meat, though I do it. He is definitely quantity over quality, so it will probably help!

I hope it does help! This is quite the burden on you Good news is that you don't really have to handle the meat for a roast - just shove it in and baste it once.

You might think about teaching him to make burgers. You just smash a handful of mince with your hands so it sticks together (I realise you won't comfortably do this yourself), then fry at a medium heat. You can add sumac, BBQ flavouring or similar before compressing it. Works with any minced meat, it doesn't always have to be beef.

This sounds like an eating disorder. Until he gets to the root of it, and find out what is driving it (anxiety? depression? etc), I doubt he will be able to manage it. Is he willing to talk about it at all? I am worried about you having enough food left for you and your son. What are your local resources in terms of extricating yourself if you do not have enough funds left to feed the two of you?

I would do it with gloves, so it'd be fine. Utterly clueless on how to do meat, so thank you for the explanation!

alioris - my family (of origin) would not leave us without but as you can imagine this is not something I want to ask them because my husband acts like he does.

You have two options. 1 take out a sizeable life insurance policy and make him lovely fried food for breakfast lunch and dinner. Make sure there is lots or cake for snacks.

2 take the money out the account for your own stuff as soon as it’s pay day. Stop buying all the junk. He can’t eat it if it’s not in the fridge.

He's a greedy twat and actually sounds repulsive. Buy stuff for yourself and your son. If he doesn't like it, tough shit

take out a sizeable life insurance policy and make him lovely fried food for breakfast lunch and dinner. Make sure there is lots or cake for snacks.

I was wondering whether to suggest ground glass in the sugar 👿😉

Make sure he's got decent life insurance...

I'd be tempted 👀