Tired of partner with ‘Influencer’ job

[BitterSweetheart]

I just wondered if anyone can relate to this. Obviously I want to try and keep this as anonymous as possible to protect our privacy.

I’m finding myself increasingly resentful about my partner’s ’influencer’ type job. They left their 9-5 a few years back as they were unhappy and I tried to be a supportive as possible. They are now making a living of sorts with something related to their interest - it just about brings in a similar wage but a lot of it feels like smoke and mirrors (brand deal exposure type things rather than salary increases). Looks very glamorous online, lots of gifts/trips away and they’ve amassed an adoring following. In real terms it seems whilst they are happier and working less at something they enjoy, I find it all hard to take seriously. There is limited career progression, they live in a bit of a bubble and are quite detached from reality - enjoying all the ego stroking from their followers, believing all the hype. I’m finding it increasingly hard to respect them as it all feels quite narcissistic.

I am for them happy and proud of them, but I’m also finding myself more resentful at working normal hours for normal pay, no perks and certainly no glitz, gifts and trips away. That life doesn’t appeal to me and I do get job satisfaction for a role in healthcare that I’ve worked and studied hard for. However I get burned out for long hours, poor working conditions (pressures on service etc) and not much reward. They seem to swan about with everyone telling them how wonderful they are, and assuming we are rolling in it- but we’re not - we’re struggling with the CoL increases like everyone else!

I just worry I guess about how resentful I feel, how precarious their work is and that they seem quite happy to ride this train with what seems like no realistic plan on how to future proof it- what happens when the brand deals dry up?

I have tried speaking to them a bit about this but they only can see the here and now, and don’t see the point in worrying about what may happen. They are clearly enjoying riding this wave and believing their own hype, which is great I guess?

I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - how to manage my feelings and be supportive of partner without letting this impact upon our relationship.

It really isn’t. Posting pictures of the back of your children’s heads is not the modern day equivalent of journalism. The modern day equivelant of journalism… is journalism. It still exists. And I’m pretty sure Don Draper wasn’t posting pictures of Sally and Bobby sitting stock still in front of every item he was trying to sell.

Nothing is guaranteed. No such thing as a safe secure job for life. I was once in a civil service role we thought was a sure ride to retirement. We got made redundant.

Why not do a job they love while they can?

Did they hate the old job, get exhausted and dusillusioned? Are they happier, healthier, calmer now?

How do you feel about your own job? Is there something you'd rather be doing?

There is a lot going on, I think.

I don't know the media is extremely bias and selective in most cases. Whilst there's a tonne of fake news, misinformation and general shite on social media speaking out about stuff actually forces the media to be more honest in some cases. Take the recent strikes for example, the media have been publishing dated, skewed and misleading 'facts and figures'- these are challenged with backing of reputable sources and often influence them to change tack.

I think the influencing part is a red herring, and OP is probably right that they're influenced by working class hang ups. Rich people don't get hung up on making money!

I think that it's fairly harsh to be mad at your partner when they've switched working style and lifestyle to one they really enjoy.

I burned out of a high flying career. My husband shut down any suggestion that I was a drag on him when I spent six months sleeping on the sofa in the afternoons getting over the extreme anxiety I suffered. He was happy for me to go part time whilst I studied to change career. He was happy for me to quit my awful job to go into self-employed work. He would be happy for me to be a SAHM now we're expecting.

(I have supported him also, but this post is getting long!)

And I would do the same for him. We're a partnership, and supporting each other's happiness is important.

Hey Op, friends had a similar issue. With the wife in that situation she was irritated that all the smoke and mirrors/boastfulness obviously glossed over that some months there was no money coming in and it was her 9-5 underpinning things. In their case he was a travel blogger so it all had to look quite polished. Also meant numerous short notice child free work trips (for him). They did split unfortunately.

Have you thought that your partner is doing what we all are doing in life - trying their best.

if you spend your life hating what your partner is doing to make a living, you may as well not be together.

I know a lot of people think that really 'loving' your job is important and, to a certain degree, that's true. However, I really feel that being an 'influencer' is vacuous. Unless you are 18 and a bit clueless about what you want to do in the future, it's just a very empty and pointless job.

I'd be horrified if my dp became an influencer!! It's not about the money, it's about the way the money's made.

Use of 'they' is good for balance. No problem for me with that. Key thing is the reflective questions. What exactly is it you don't like?

Sounds like you are trying to reason that they are bringing in similar so theoretically you should be equally happy but you are not. You don't like what they are doing, probably see the shallowness or resent the imposition of the rest of life. Trying to do life whilst keeping the children out of it while the partner resents not being able to include everin the 'brand' has got to be seriously irritating. Potentially on a parr with anyone doing MLM.

Other posters are right. This is what advertising looks like now. Can't just market the brand, you have to be the brand. My job is getting like this - pressure to use every opportunity to market the brand and it is killing it for me. As I still have to do the actual job. Would love management to pay an actual influencer/marketer to actually do this stuff. They won't.

It's a values thing. I think eventually I will walk away. Wonder if you will too?

*everyone in the brand

I think some posters are being harsh. It's a job I'd struggle to respect tbh, and I would want to respect my partner. With many influencers, their family life is part of the image they sell - if that's the case here, it's even more understandable that OP has strong feelings about it
Agree with this.
Part of influencing is turning yourself into a brand and projecting the brand-you to the world. The other part is that you have to connect with your fans and build this pretend relationship with them by being your 'authentic' self (which we all know isn't actually authentic but has to appear that way).
Some people might have interesting knowledge that they share on their accounts, but a lot of the influencers are about selling their brand image (often home life/family life/personal image) as a way to get freebies.

Meanwhile in the background there's real life going on, the partner knows it's all smoke and mirrors, and they're living on two planets with the person they love, knowing that one planet is a work of fantasy. The influencer is open to getting caught up in the nauseatingly adoring comments from their fans, and so their partner who lives and breathes real life suddenly is unreasonable for not feeding the influencers ego like the fans.

A friend of mine was married to someone similar. He had a really ‘cool’ job, international travel, fans etc. she did a steady, rather dull, but decent job. After they got divorced it became obvious that it was her salary that was completely supporting his lifestyle. He can’t afford to pay any child maintenance. She had to give him a lot of money in the divorce. He also can’t be relied upon to help with the children because his hours are so random.

Can't really advise but I just wanted to say that you wrote beautifully OP and seem to have a really deep level of self-awareness which you express in a very insightful way. I can see how that would be at odds with the valid world of "influencing"!

Your ambiguous use of pronouns here makes me think you’re the man in this situation.

You clearly resent your dp for her lifestyle whilst you’re still out there grafting, and yet you’re not seeing any real improvement in finances.

You have kids too, so perhaps this job works quite well around them? What would you expect her to do otherwise? Do you gain other benefits like perhaps she has more time to do things at home, what’s the balance of chores like?

I think you need to think carefully about what you would rather she was doing and where your resentment comes from, as it sounds primarily like jealousy. It’s pretty shitty to say someone ‘doesn’t have a proper job’ as she may be doing 101 other things that bring benefit to your lives. Perhaps you should embrace her entrepreneurial spirit and admire her ability to make money whilst not having the constraints of a 9-5 job.

One worry I'd have is what your partner might be willing to do when their following starts to decline and they become a bit "boring". You and the DC might come under pressure to be more involved in content, otherwise it's your fault things aren't working out for them. Personally, my absolute boundary would be no content involving family life of any sort. If they can't keep to that boundary or keep sneaking across it (including photos of the backs of children's heads!), then I'd have a real problem with it. They can choose to commoditize themselves if they want, but not their partner, children or family life.

Agree the thread has been derailed by my use of ‘they’- but as I said, there is a reason for it. I understand what people have said, it has felt distracting and especially the poster who mentioned it’s hard to imagine the specifics.

I have tried to be as anonymous as possible whilst being honest about my feelings and outlining the general sense of discomfort this new world has brought me. I feel resentful of their following feeling they know my partner and that they seem to be more of a ‘brand‘ than a person. I do worry about their ego and inflated sense of self. The trips away are irritating, but perhaps I wouldn’t feel this if they were in finance or something. I also feel they are so consumed with this virtual world they are a but detached from reality and unable to see through things (content/relationships/opportunities) which appear quite artificial. They seem less genuine in their interactions, but I do understand that most people have a ‘work persona’ that is different from how they are with family.

I am taking on board what people are saying though. Life is short and everyone deserves to do a job they enjoy and shouldn’t be judged for that, especially if they are not neglecting their responsibilities at home. I think I have to ride this out and I think perhaps only time will tell if the paths this is taking our family are on, are just too different to reconcile.

If it brings in wages and you are not losing money due to his career change I think your being a bit unfair.
he enjoys his job , maybe because you are stressed in yours you are a bit resentful ?

YANBU
I understand the depth/logic of your feelings.

The bottom line is, his job is very fickle and holds no future. I would class it as a ‘drifter’s’ job.

He is not at all concerned about that or what the future might hold and (worryingly for you) he is not preparing or doing anything for the future stability of his family.

You quite rightly (as far as I’m concerned), have striven to be in the position you’re in to have stability and in comparison he’s completely at the other end of the scale.

It is a compatibility and it’s up to you if you can live like this.

In my view if it worries you now, it will be a whole lot worse as time passes by.

…incompatibility

You “downgraded” when you burnt out though.

Imagine you became the TV version of your career - maybe in an advert. Same money but now you have fans, weirdos and a well known face. Would your husband mind everyone having an opinion on you? Being recognised by random. People thinking your're special because you’re famous not because of any skill or character you have. He’d know the real you.

OP I am friends with a few big influencers, the main are just pretty girls / clothes / handbags / holidays, so not niche. I always thought I could never do it or be with someone who did. The girl worked with me and I always respected her keeping a job, she still does, but she’d spend ALL day scrolling Instagram. Now it’s moved to tiktok. It’s so vapid. Everything is for show. It’s such a consumption culture that bothers me.

Theres a thread on Reddit about people who have dated influencers, I recommend finding it. Had thousands of responses and they all felt like you.

I also feel they are so consumed with this virtual world they are a but detached from reality and unable to see through things (content/relationships/opportunities) which appear quite artificial. They seem less genuine in their interactions, but I do understand that most people have a ‘work persona’ that is different from how they are with family.
I think this is the crux of the issue and probably why the trips wouldn't bother you if it was another line of work.

Someone who goes on a work trip as the real them is different from someone going on a freebie/promo type trip based on a fictional version of themselves where they get to continue to play out a fantasy lifestyle.

Most people's work personality is still them, but with some professional boundaries in place.

If your partner is very invested in the brand version of themselves and seeking validation on the brand version of themselves, and looks at real life through the lens of what will make great content if it's staged nicely and edited, and the relationships with people are all geared around the brand, fake version of themselves then that's going to have a knock on effect on the people in the real side of their life.

There was a post recently about social media influencer and a poster said their friend was an influencer and totally genuine, not fake, but then said that their friend stopped the poster and friends singing happy birthday to them shouting "video" and then the whole moment had to be recreated for the socials. I couldn't help think I'd find that draining as a friend, let alone their partner.

I couldn't stand it either, I have an influencer friend and the constant taking photos when we go out and the weird braggy posts for brands are really off putting. In my case I've just distanced myself from the friend. But for OP the lack of financial security must be worrying

A marketing wonk once suggested that the word "influencer" is actually a portmanteau of words inept, flu and cancer.

I understand where you’re coming from.
It is shallow, a bit ‘ reality tv ‘ type of life. And insecure, could end overnight if someone more popular comes along. Have they continued with pension contributions? Kept up to date on paying self employed tax and NI contributions? The crash for many is when they let this slide for a few years and then get a huge bill that wipes out that years income.

Do you feel valued @BitterSweetheart by your partner?
Do you feel equal to your partner?

I only ask after watching an influencer at work during a recent trip abroad.
What could have been a romantic, ‘couply’ thing to do ( and was for others), became a series of photo opportunities, poses and retakes. Her partner took shots, watched patiently as she redid selfies, as she changed her hair and topped up her lip gloss. He was alone as she changed her outfit, he pacified her as the weather messed up the shots. No conversation, no experience together, no enjoyment.

Whilst we were enjoying time together, chatting, laughing, sharing an experience, the influencer’s partner was nothing more than a photographer come camera bag.
I felt really sorry for him.