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Tired of partner with ‘Influencer’ job

257 replies

BitterSweetheart · 28/04/2023 17:01

I just wondered if anyone can relate to this. Obviously I want to try and keep this as anonymous as possible to protect our privacy.

I’m finding myself increasingly resentful about my partner’s ’influencer’ type job. They left their 9-5 a few years back as they were unhappy and I tried to be a supportive as possible. They are now making a living of sorts with something related to their interest - it just about brings in a similar wage but a lot of it feels like smoke and mirrors (brand deal exposure type things rather than salary increases). Looks very glamorous online, lots of gifts/trips away and they’ve amassed an adoring following. In real terms it seems whilst they are happier and working less at something they enjoy, I find it all hard to take seriously. There is limited career progression, they live in a bit of a bubble and are quite detached from reality - enjoying all the ego stroking from their followers, believing all the hype. I’m finding it increasingly hard to respect them as it all feels quite narcissistic.

I am for them happy and proud of them, but I’m also finding myself more resentful at working normal hours for normal pay, no perks and certainly no glitz, gifts and trips away. That life doesn’t appeal to me and I do get job satisfaction for a role in healthcare that I’ve worked and studied hard for. However I get burned out for long hours, poor working conditions (pressures on service etc) and not much reward. They seem to swan about with everyone telling them how wonderful they are, and assuming we are rolling in it- but we’re not - we’re struggling with the CoL increases like everyone else!

I just worry I guess about how resentful I feel, how precarious their work is and that they seem quite happy to ride this train with what seems like no realistic plan on how to future proof it- what happens when the brand deals dry up?

I have tried speaking to them a bit about this but they only can see the here and now, and don’t see the point in worrying about what may happen. They are clearly enjoying riding this wave and believing their own hype, which is great I guess?

I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - how to manage my feelings and be supportive of partner without letting this impact upon our relationship.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 28/04/2023 23:41

DannyZukosSmile · 28/04/2023 23:36

@GirlOfTudor The 'issue' is pure jealousy.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. If I went out and got a job at a strip club and earned great money, I don’t think my husband being shocked and upset would be down to ‘pure jealousy.’ He would be shocked that our values were so different and upset that I had chosen a job so far outside our shared principles. I’d feel the same if he became a stripper or quit his job for no reason to lie round the house or, yes, became an influencer.

LouBaloo · 28/04/2023 23:41

Is this a TokTok ‘influencer’ one of those who sit on lives all day and fandoms gift them money? If it is it’s just begging…

Ariela · 28/04/2023 23:44

Sooner or later there will be some sort of a backlash on the advertorials - influencers will have to always declare their sponsors interest.
I can understand your concern - could wipe a lot of ££ from earnings.
Have you discussed a long term plan?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

TedMullins · 28/04/2023 23:48

Yes YABU and this is a you problem (I think you know this to some degree). I personally wouldn’t want to be an influencer but if they’re making money equivalent to their previous salary then it sounds like they’re doing ok, if not well. It’s hard work. Every day you have to be making and editing good content that appeals to your audience and keeps brands paying. It’s modern day advertising. Creative and digital jobs are just as valid as traditional ones - if the influencing dries up they could probably quite easily get a creative role in a ad agency and these tend to pay very well. You seem to have quite an old fashioned and narrow minded view of work. If you’re not happy in your own job or want more perks and free time think about how to make that happen for yourself.

MsBump31 · 29/04/2023 00:12

Getting a following online is hard work … amazingly my mum started an Instagram account recently and has attracted 70k followers. She’s always been very artistic/talented and I very much see it as a difficult thing to achieve. It’s like any content business - it’s like running a “lifestyle” magazine. Even if it looks glam it’s definitely hard work and takes talent to make your life/hobby look aesthetic and effortless, and if your partner gets a large following they can make huge sums of money.

I don’t understand what your issue is with it, or why you don’t respect it???

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 29/04/2023 00:14

Its really difficult to read "they" posts. I wish OP would write one or the other whether its real or not.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/04/2023 00:16

What’s difficult about it?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 29/04/2023 00:17

Lets face it, it is "mumsnet" so I assume u are a female. Your partner could be any.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 29/04/2023 00:18

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/04/2023 00:16

What’s difficult about it?

OK, theres always one!!!! 😁😄😍

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 29/04/2023 00:19

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/04/2023 00:16

What’s difficult about it?

Love you being "woke" 😆😘 bless you for being kind to OP x

justasking111 · 29/04/2023 00:21

I know an influencer who's extraordinarily successful now. No way could they earn that kind of money in their original career. It hasn't changed them one whit. They're still modest and kind.

You do need to say no to people trying to push dodgy stuff on you because you're so successful because your followers trust you.

But it shouldn't upset the work life balance. Housework still needs to be done. Children cared for. Partnership worked at.

I think @BitterSweetheart feels that balance is missing and realises it could all disappear which is unsettling.

JFDIYOLO · 29/04/2023 00:25

Jealousy is always difficult.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/04/2023 00:34

phoebebrigade · 28/04/2023 18:22

Why all the secrecy about your partner’s sex? 🙄

This. It's so irritating.

allmyliesaretrue · 29/04/2023 00:39

DannyZukosSmile · 28/04/2023 23:36

@GirlOfTudor The 'issue' is pure jealousy.

What a vacuous response! Who on earth would be jealous of someone who earns something of a living (clearly not that successful!) in such a precarious way? Why should one partner have to take the slog of responsibility should it all go tits up - which it will, trust me, when the 'influencer' falls out of favour?

@BitterSweetheart I think your partner needs to anchor themselves with some sort of 'normal' job, an insurance for when they are no longer flavour of the day. I don't understand why posters think you are jealous - because personally I couldn't think of anything worse!!

Hawkins003 · 29/04/2023 00:47

BitterSweetheart · 28/04/2023 18:36

So much food for thought, thank you all. I will try and reply properly when kids are in bed.

I guess I agree with the posters who are saying I am jealous- I am struggling with this, and also jealous of friends who have a more ordinary set up with promotions/pay scales/security/plans for the future etc. This doesn’t seem to worry my partner.

But above other things that have been mentioned (our genders, childcare, parity of income) I think what I am finding it hard to respect that they seem to live in a virtual world and it is changing the way I see them. I don’t know how to reconcile this with my own values and I guess also a working class background of working hard at a recognised professIon. They take their job (or themselves) very seriously and I’m struggling to. I started this thread as I can see its impacting upon our relationship and I don’t like the feelings it brings up in me.

It seems in your perspective to respect your partner's contribution that they should be basically have a similar work perspectives to yourself, do what's necessary, put in X hours needed, rather than instead you see this as basically they get X wages for basically an easier profession yet because of what it is , in your perspective it's not a traditional "job" ?

But that's the thing with technology advancing society, is that today's influencers are the modern celebs.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/04/2023 00:48

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 29/04/2023 00:19

Love you being "woke" 😆😘 bless you for being kind to OP x

It’s nothing to do with being “woke”. I just don’t see what you’re struggling with.

Hawkins003 · 29/04/2023 00:53

MsBump31 · 29/04/2023 00:12

Getting a following online is hard work … amazingly my mum started an Instagram account recently and has attracted 70k followers. She’s always been very artistic/talented and I very much see it as a difficult thing to achieve. It’s like any content business - it’s like running a “lifestyle” magazine. Even if it looks glam it’s definitely hard work and takes talent to make your life/hobby look aesthetic and effortless, and if your partner gets a large following they can make huge sums of money.

I don’t understand what your issue is with it, or why you don’t respect it???

I'm guessing the op sees it as basically not much effort for ££ Vs their efforts, hours, sweat etc for minimum ££

MsBump31 · 29/04/2023 01:00

Hawkins003 · 29/04/2023 00:53

I'm guessing the op sees it as basically not much effort for ££ Vs their efforts, hours, sweat etc for minimum ££

It is a lot of effort though, more so than a typical 9-5 job. The majority of people make terribly boring content and won’t be able to engage other people or make any ££ from being an ‘influencer’.

If you can then you’re talented and/or have worked v hard at it

Hawkins003 · 29/04/2023 01:01

MsBump31 · 29/04/2023 01:00

It is a lot of effort though, more so than a typical 9-5 job. The majority of people make terribly boring content and won’t be able to engage other people or make any ££ from being an ‘influencer’.

If you can then you’re talented and/or have worked v hard at it

I can understand it is and I'm guessing it takes X hours etc

GarlicGrace · 29/04/2023 01:01

I've read your posts and some of the replies. I decided to weigh in because I am signally uninterested in the lives of "influencers". I do understand how it works. That's what I wanted to talk about: you asked if anyone has experienced anything similar. Yes. Before social media - 1980 to 2010, more or less.

I worked in media, advertising and fashion. It was fabulous (as in Absolutely Fabulous, no word of a lie!) I had a ball. It was a monstrously shallow world, full of glitz and privilege, of never having to queue for anything and getting presents from famous designers ... etc, you get the picture. Huge amounts of alcohol and drugs; maybe You Young People don't abuse alcohol like we did, but it's a safe bet you have equally unwise means of softening the edges.

You did have to be fairly smart to make it. Most of us were & are decent human beings. But it wasn't actually hard work, just long hours having a lot of fun. We were all paid good salaries - that differs from your story - but were also heavily incentivised with bonuses. I never really worried about where the money would come from for anything, I just put myself out more to make a bigger bonus. I've been very lucky! (It all came crashing down for me, if anybody needs to know. Most of my old friends are still doing very nicely.)

I married men who moved in adjacent circles. I couldn't see how somebody in a more normal / stable situation would understand my constantly being out drinking champagne. Both marriages broke down with their infidelities, lying and narcissism. Divorce was extremely common. If all the men's wives had known their husbands as we did, they'd almost all have divorced. Even without that, you had the all too regular situation where the more grounded partner - usually the wife - was getting on with life as it is, while their husband swanned off to parties, 'conferences' and goodwill holidays. With the best intentions in the world, nobody could be fully present in their home life while living this way. Partners were invited to maybe 5% of the shiny things, children twice a year. It's like living on two different planets.

Of the couples I know who made it through, some are both media 'performers' and have successfully integrated their family lives. The others had big showdowns, resulting in far-reaching changes to the 'media' person's career approach and family participation.

Influencers are both marketers and celebrities. To me, that looks like layering desperation on top of shallow. I mean, it's clearly great fun but so precarious! Your next paycheck depends on getting thousands more strangers to love you. With what that must do to your sense of self, I'm guessing there are a lot of breakdowns.

I don't see it as compatible with a regular, grounded home life. I wish you the best - and, should you decide it's worth forcing a showdown, I'd encourage you & wish you luck.

I kind of ran away with myself, sorry! TLDR: there have always been opportunities like this, and they have never been good for the home relationships.

Kennykenkencat · 29/04/2023 01:40

Tbh I think you should read through how you describe your own job which you supposedly love doing

It makes me think that if your partners wasn’t happy in her job and she looked at you and the way you describe your job that you supposedly love she/he probably thought why bother working 40 hours and coming home miserable and knackered and having the cost of after school care just to bring in the same amount doing stuff that isn’t too hard and they enjoy in 1/2 the amount of time.

Maybe show your partner that normal type jobs can be fun and interesting and pay well. And if you can’t then maybe look at analysing why your own job doesn’t give you that buzz and pay and time off and maybe look at changing direction or getting a better job

I might not understand how influencers make their money but if they are making what sounds like similar to what they earned in their last job and are happy then why can’t you be happy for them

I suspect the not respecting them comes from a place where you expected them to fall flat on their face and instead they are earning similar to what they were earning
and you not respecting them is the final bit of control to shame them into getting back into line and do what you understand

mellicauli · 29/04/2023 01:52

It's tricky because there's obviously a clash in your core values.

You find meaning in working hard at your job which helps other people but doesn't pay much.

Your partner doesn't need to find meaning in their job, preferring to take any fun/glamour they can find, knowing it won't last forever.

If you do want to stay together, you probably need to confront it or you'll probably grow apart naturally. But the conversation needs to start from the fact that there is nothing wrong with either set of values but they are just different and you need to acknowledge that.

Maybe you should both be prepared to meet each other half way. So you could try and have a bit more fun, work a bit less and join in the glam life now and again. Maybe your partner could do some volunteering to keep her/him a bit more grounded?

Kennykenkencat · 29/04/2023 03:11

GarlicGrace I know what you mean about the 80s.

However I disagree that someone in a normal job is incompatible with some one in Media
Today there isn’t the need people to actually mix with anyone else whilst making any sort of content.
I do think it is a choice to buy into the drinking/clubbing/turning up to any awards night you want to scene

I know someone who was quite prolific on YouTube. She and her small presentations got picked up by an agent and she ended up abroad with her children doing some reality type shows and then staying out there. She has her own business now doing something similar to her YouTube days but in a more behind the scenes type work.

Her life and where she lives is amazing But it was knowing that it would all come crashing down if she stayed doing what she was doing and never changing direction and knowing that whilst she got paid amazingly well for a little while she did still need to budget an invest the money wisely as one day someone younger/prettier/slimmer would come along and then it would be there turn

Yes there were parties but having children meant she rarely ever went
A lot of the people I know who are in the media have spouses who have the “normal” job. There are a handful who have both spouses flitting from job to job Enough so they have a mortgage and a pension. They all have a family life

IDontWantToBeAPie · 29/04/2023 03:29

Yeah I work with a lot of this sort. Mostly lovely people but it's exhausting. Constant phones out, never feel alone, always like there's an audience. Photos, videos, they never switch off.

Thankfully mine are just friends, but I wouldn't want it in a partner.

GarlicGrace · 29/04/2023 03:39

That's a beautifully encouraging reply, @Kennykenkencat

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