Tired of partner with ‘Influencer’ job

[BitterSweetheart]

I just wondered if anyone can relate to this. Obviously I want to try and keep this as anonymous as possible to protect our privacy.

I’m finding myself increasingly resentful about my partner’s ’influencer’ type job. They left their 9-5 a few years back as they were unhappy and I tried to be a supportive as possible. They are now making a living of sorts with something related to their interest - it just about brings in a similar wage but a lot of it feels like smoke and mirrors (brand deal exposure type things rather than salary increases). Looks very glamorous online, lots of gifts/trips away and they’ve amassed an adoring following. In real terms it seems whilst they are happier and working less at something they enjoy, I find it all hard to take seriously. There is limited career progression, they live in a bit of a bubble and are quite detached from reality - enjoying all the ego stroking from their followers, believing all the hype. I’m finding it increasingly hard to respect them as it all feels quite narcissistic.

I am for them happy and proud of them, but I’m also finding myself more resentful at working normal hours for normal pay, no perks and certainly no glitz, gifts and trips away. That life doesn’t appeal to me and I do get job satisfaction for a role in healthcare that I’ve worked and studied hard for. However I get burned out for long hours, poor working conditions (pressures on service etc) and not much reward. They seem to swan about with everyone telling them how wonderful they are, and assuming we are rolling in it- but we’re not - we’re struggling with the CoL increases like everyone else!

I just worry I guess about how resentful I feel, how precarious their work is and that they seem quite happy to ride this train with what seems like no realistic plan on how to future proof it- what happens when the brand deals dry up?

I have tried speaking to them a bit about this but they only can see the here and now, and don’t see the point in worrying about what may happen. They are clearly enjoying riding this wave and believing their own hype, which is great I guess?

I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - how to manage my feelings and be supportive of partner without letting this impact upon our relationship.

think it is too (the avoidance of specifying pronouns is a giveaway, presumably OP is a man who thinks he'll get a rougher time on mn if he admits it!)

I presumed OP didn't want to specify the partner is a woman because then everyone will be trying to find out exactly which influencer he's talking about.

I get where you’re coming from I think. It’s just so vapid and self centred. I couldn’t and wouldn’t start a relationship with someone who called themselves an Influencer because I think it’s a pointless bag of self centred shite. If my dh then started being an influencer it would change how I felt about him, the relationship and everything else.
That might make me judgey , but I wouldn’t be able to help it - I just think it’s an epic waste of time.

Totally agree with all this.

You sound jealous too. And bitter. Many influencers makes shit loads of money... Some make 100s of 1000s of £££ a year. What a mean and spiteful comment to make.

Bet you look down your nose at certain University degrees too.

I know someone who laughed and and mocked 2 young women doing a media degree at uni. They now work for the BBC and ITV, on £80K-£90K a year ... In their mid 20s. And live in lavish apartments in London.

The snarky fecker who mocked them isn't laughing so much now in their zero contract minimum pay job in Poundland, fighting for more hours to pay the rent.

@SweetSakura

Why the insistence on a 'gender neutral' post.? It won't change my opinion, just makes it very irritating to read.

THIS. ^ When people put THEY, instead of just he or she, it's so irksome. It must be such hard work to keep it up too!

I couldn't take anyone seriously who claimed to be an "influencer". If my partner became an "influencer", I would consider it to be a valid reason to separate, as their values and interests would at that point be so far from mine that our relationship would be unviable. I can't think of much that's more vacuous and futile than being an "influencer", personally.

Don’t marry them no matter what you do. When they are 50 are they likely to still be pulling in the brand deals and making money? What about pensions? I know this sounds boring but otherwise you’ll end up supporting them in their retirement after you have been slogging it out in the nhs and they’ve been on a jolly.

Are they contributing their fair share to the relationship, to the bills, to savings, to child care and house work? Free clothes and holidays dont pay the council tax! That would seriously bother me, and you are right where is this leading, will it still be a thing as they age? What is the future in it? I would be concerned about these things too.

I can see why you’d be worried OP. Social media is toxic and it falls most heavily on people who use it a lot. People who are “influencers” are caught up in its spell and it’s impossible for this not to impact their world view and values, unless they are incredibly strong willed. Their profession and income comes directly from being “liked” and so their life focus is on this, and they may lose sight of who they are in pursuit of external validation. It’s a big price to pay for an income that isn’t quite as high as a normal job.

I don't understand comments like this.

Surely they'd just go and get a normal job? Lots of people chop and change careers throughout their lives - through choice and when it's forced on them. It's normal.

You’ve been quite vague in your posts

All the "theys" have given me a headache. Sorry but it is distracting

The OP me of this sketch !

I couldn’t be with anyone who described themself as an influencer or thought that was a worthwhile
way to spend their life. Yes, I am judgmental about this, and I don’t care.

I have no specific advice, but want to speak up as a voice in favour of the gender-non-specific posts; it stops posters jumping in with lazy stereotypes (or at least discourages it; I see there have in any event been competing "the OP is clearly a man talking about a female partner" and "the OP is clearly a woman talking about a male partner" comments) and I think the advice has been significantly better than normal as a result (although peppered with posts complaining about use of the word "they").

The gender-neutral thing is really annoying. The use of they is a right pain.

Also do you not want to answer the question about how the childcare and household tasks are divided? Is this for the same reason as not wanting to specify whether your partner is male or female?

OP - as you have kids, the questions about childcare are important - are they now doing the bulk of the childcare and housework as you are working long hours but they are now part time? Are you still paying for childcare and they have lots of free time, or as a family, have your dcs got more time with a parent without having to sacrifice the income?

I also assume the OP is a man and their DP a woman, because if it was the other way round, the childcare and the housework split would be mentioned ! (Either “they now do all the childcare and housework” or “and even though they aren’t working full time the dcs are still in childcare and I’m still having to do housework when I get in from a long shift”).

I’m interested in why you’ve purposely omitted to mention the sex of each party here. I understand other people saying ‘why does that matter?’ but the fact that you have means in does matter and I’m wondering why you’ve chosen to obscure that.

As long as s/he does their fair share of child care and other domestic necesscities, and pulls their weight financially, is it really so bad? Will they be able to get another 'real' job if it stops bringing in the money? S/he might get bored of it anyway, having to keep up with posting content to keep interest up sounds quite wearing to me.

Some influencers make a decent amount. I take it you're not Mr Hinch or Mrs Wickes? A friend's DD is a moderately successful influencer but her parents have helped her keep her feet on the ground somewhat. They know it's not forever but she's well on the way to being able to buy a house out of it, so it's good for now.

I think if you love your partner you should be supportive. Too many people have jobs/ careers that make them miserable and we spend too much time at work to spend that time being unhappy. If they are earning a similar amount, frankly, I don’t see what the problem is?

I think they’re both women. The op sounds like a woman to me and while there are male influencers it is primarily a female thing.

I agree. Man or woman, the whole influencer thing is awful, and I wouldn't want to be with the type of person who did that.

I think this is a guy- doesn't really matter but if it is - all I can say is this kind of work can give you a certain amount of flexibility that being a working mum is very hard to get. If it pays ok and is similar to a conventional job I don't see what the big deal is- you sound jealous .

If it is a woman- then have a think about what it is that gets you- do you not like the fact they are working less hours, not commuting, seem to actually enjoy the job? If it doesn't affect you overall then it's a touch of envy again- however I do agree it's fickle and could easily turn into thin air- still being able to get yourself up to that level and 'sell yourself' is a very transferable skill

Op another thought - many people who have had careers based in public service roles like healthcare or teaching, where there are clearly set out career paths and wage levels etc can struggle with the more chaotic career paths that most people have. This is a job your DP is doing now - the money matches what they were doing before, I’m going to presume you aren’t still paying out for childcare when they aren’t working, so your kids are benefiting, does it matter if they aren’t doing something with a long term plan?

To me it sounds like pure jealousy.

"Here I am, working long hours in a "proper job", and my partner is swanning about, making money doing something I dont rate".

But the truth is, their mental health is probably better, and they are probably happier.

And it seems OP cant stand it.

I dont think theres a real solution to this. I see separation/divorce in the near future

Yes, this. It's not real. I'm hoping it's a phase and everyone will grow out of it.

Trying to put my own judgement of being a career influencer aside, I’m trying to understand what specifically it is that bothers you?

Their childcare/household contributions day to day? They’re being self-absorbed? Their detachment from, what is for most people, real life? Your own jealousy of their hours and perks and feelings about the rest of you being left out of it? Their seeming dishonesty in how they portray your family life, or their regular inclusion/exclusion of the rest of you?

I’m not implying that all of these are true either. They’re just suggestions about issues I perceive as a possibility. I think identifying which issues there are will direct your conversation. Depending on what it is, the conversation may reel them in to working with you to address the issues. Potentially it will highlight a disconnect in their and your values. It may result in realizing that your feelings are not a priority to them.

I hope you two can get to the root of the issues and that it doesn’t become the end of the relationship, especially given there are kids involved.

To be frank you sound envious and resentful but not from an entirely reasonable basis.
They bring in a similar wage, it relates to an interest (presumably why they pursued it), they get (more) adulation and praise (than you), they have freer working conditions (than you), plus gifts and trips away (that you don't get it). Comparisons to your scenario are all over your post.
Maybe it's your job that needs shaking up and not theirs?
I would ignore the twits saying 'I would have no respect for an influencer'. Frankly if someone was able to pull in 10s 100s k£ through 'influencing' then more fool the rest of us for not spotting the opportunity (plus its how marketing / advertising is done now).