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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 26/04/2023 14:56

Allschoolsareartschools · 26/04/2023 00:52

If I was paying in full for my dd's wedding then yes I would absolutely expect 2 of my friends to attend. But I've bought my dd up to have just a bit of respect for others & money.
There's a lot of brats entitled people on this thread. Weddings all down to the couple's wishes & someone paying thousands can't invite a friend? What a joke. Fine, pay for it all yourselves then...
OP I feel sad about the way you're being treated, stand up for yourself!

It depends. Do you think gifts should be given with strings attached?

either you choose to do something nice for someone or you don’t. But I I think giving a gift that you’ll only allow the recipient to use if they use it according to your conditions is manipulative rather than kind or respectful, and if parents don’t model that behaviour then perhaps it’s not surprising that the recipients of the gift don’t always show it either.

I think entitlement of parents to control weddings is a big factor in why many couples would rather pay for it themselves.

RampantIvy · 26/04/2023 15:07

@FurAndFeathers if you read all of the OP's updates you will find that she is the complete opposite of controlling and manipulative. The future SIL's family are absolutely taking the piss with their profligate invitations. It is hardly a big ask for the OP to invite two of her friends. I wouldn't consider this a "strings attached" financial donation in this case.

Liorae · 26/04/2023 15:09

FurAndFeathers · 26/04/2023 14:56

It depends. Do you think gifts should be given with strings attached?

either you choose to do something nice for someone or you don’t. But I I think giving a gift that you’ll only allow the recipient to use if they use it according to your conditions is manipulative rather than kind or respectful, and if parents don’t model that behaviour then perhaps it’s not surprising that the recipients of the gift don’t always show it either.

I think entitlement of parents to control weddings is a big factor in why many couples would rather pay for it themselves.

Show quote history

They don't though. They want mummy to pay for it but have no input.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Lovegossip · 26/04/2023 16:47

Dh and I paid for ours entirely, we had a small budget for registry office and reception, only family were invited to the registry office as it was restricted numbers

I'm glad we did it our way

Whatishedoing · 26/12/2023 19:53

Did your friends get to go in the end @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche ?

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 26/12/2023 19:56

If you are paying you get a say. Otherwise no.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 26/12/2023 19:59

This is why we paid for our own wedding, no way I was having anyone tell us what to do on our wedding day.

We had a highly curated guest list for a reason.

Mumof118 · 26/12/2023 20:40

Mine did and my mums friends were prioritised over mine! Lol

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 26/12/2023 20:48

Whatishedoing · 26/12/2023 19:53

Did your friends get to go in the end @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche ?

No - not invited.

There's still only 12 guests from the bride's side and six of those are children under 7 yrs.

Invites went out last week.

I did ask - but the day numbers and night numbers are full.

There may be room if people don't/can't attend.

OP posts:
stomachamaleon · 26/12/2023 21:19

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I think after everything you have been through as a family that's a shame.

Does that mean your daughter and son in law is up to capacity now- 200?

14Q · 26/12/2023 21:37

I can't believe you agreed to pay for the whole wedding and all the extras and that your daughter and SIL to be haven't allowed you to invite a friend or two. I'd feel extremely angry and pissed off about that. Your daughter and son in law to be sound incredibly selfish and grabby.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 26/12/2023 23:16

stomachamaleon · 26/12/2023 21:19

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I think after everything you have been through as a family that's a shame.

Does that mean your daughter and son in law is up to capacity now- 200?

There are 100 for the ceremony and 200 in total for the evening.

Also heard talk of 'gatecrashers' for the evening event as son in law has links to a fair few 'clubs' that he's involved with.

Recently, at my mother's funeral, I saw cousins, second cousins - it was good to catch up. I couldn't mention the wedding.

We were spending every other Christmas Day with them as they alternated between us and son in law's parents until last year when they announced that they wanted the day to themselves.

Yesterday there were photographs on social media of them spending Christmas Day with son in law's parents. Something they have not told us. Seems that I'm required for childminding but not at Christmas.

OP posts:
theconfidenceofwho · 26/12/2023 23:30

That's so sad Op - sorry to say but your DD sounds like a horribly selfish person. Not sure what you can do about that though as it's dreadfully hurtful.

stomachamaleon · 27/12/2023 00:42

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I am sorry and sending a hug. That's really hurtful and not very considerate.
I never think running someone's children down is very constructive but just know we are here for you and get it!

LadyEloise1 · 27/12/2023 08:10

Deepest sympathy to you on the death of your mother. I do hope your dd stepped up to support you at this sad time.Flowers

You sound like a lovely caring person.
What happened in your daughter's rearing that she became sooo selfish and unempathetic ?

Why has the groom been allowed to take over the guest list ?
Why didn't you and your dh put your foot down and insist that. certain people be invited ?
You are paying for the party.
Doesn't he who pays the piper call the tune ? Within reason. And you were being reasonable.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 27/12/2023 08:22

Can't believe what I've just read.

I'm really sorry OP, looks like your DD has been overtaken by excitement at the wedding and has been really thoughtless.

I would have to say something. It does seem like ILs have been the driving force behind the guest list. Why? They are not paying for it.

Your DD and future SIL should have been polite enough to try and even out the list or at least offer you and DH a table or two for friends of your choice.

CormorantStrikesBack · 27/12/2023 08:32

I’m sorry. That is thoughtless of her when you’re paying. I guess just try and focus on the fact you’re paying for your daughter’s wedding, rather than you’re paying for it to be 90% of his family/friends. It’s good that your dh is friendly with his side of the family…..maybe become of that it just hasn’t really crossed their mind?

when I got married my parents said they weren’t paying. I said fine. Then when guest lists were being discussed my mum started saying about all these friends of hers she wanted to come because she had been to their children’s weddings. I pointed out if I was paying for my own wedding I was deciding the guest list. At that point my parents agreed to pay £1500 for food so then we invited all these people my parents wanted.

i do wonder if people are moving away from inviting their parents friends these days and making guest lists friends of the bride and groom only plus relatives.

Nesbi · 27/12/2023 08:45

When you read the OP’s posts in isolation you could almost be forgiven for thinking this was a well crafted piece of fiction - incredible stuff.

Hope it all comes to a satisfying conclusion OP.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 09:27

We were spending every other Christmas Day with them as they alternated between us and son in law's parents until last year when they announced that they wanted the day to themselves.

Yesterday there were photographs on social media of them spending Christmas Day with son in law's parents. Something they have not told us. Seems that I'm required for childminding but not at Christmas.

I would be devastated. I hope you're going to say something. I'm sorry, but you're just being used as a bank and a childcare service. This needs to stop.

stomachamaleon · 27/12/2023 10:20

@Nesbi op is a long term poster.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/12/2023 10:28

He who pays the piper calls the tune.
Traditionally the brides parents invited people to a party that they hosted, so obviously they did the inviting.
Nowadays things are not so clear cut, but I would still expect family friends to be invited, eg people who have known the bride or groom since they were children , assuming funds allow .
I think it would be pretty rude to accept parents paying for the wedding but then not taking their wishes into account.

LadyEloise1 · 27/12/2023 10:56

I second @saraclara you are "just being used as a bank and childcare service."

You'd think, after nearly losing her dad to illness that she and her soon to be husband would love to see him surrounded by his friends and family in a joyful setting celebrating her marriage.

I would be gutted if any of my dc were so selfish and thoughtless.
It's not like you are asking for a lot and you ate paying for the party.

Disclaimer - I'm Irish, living in Ireland so our wedding culture is a bit different.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/12/2023 11:06

@Nesbi
In the last two years -

My husband had an aortic dissection type A. He had the whole of the arch, that comes out of the top of the heart replaced with a synthetic one and the rest of the aorta, going down the body, reinforced with synthetic material, called frozen elephant trunk procedure. He was in surgery much longer than anticipated and, possibly due to being on by pass, he is a changed man. I am now living with an aggressive, quick tempered stranger. (Who spends thousands of pounds online shopping for stuff he doesn't/will never use.)

Six months before that my older daughter became a single mum to three children with additional needs. The youngest (just turned 3 yrs) has been 'ill' since birth and was officially diagnosed with epilepsy in November. We were told he was breath holding initially because of all the times he turned blue/purple. Since his diagnosis he's been refused a nursery place at the school his brother and sister attend.

This time last year my younger daughter and future son in law announced they were getting married. They have a 3 yr old daughter and 16 month old twins (b/g). Son in law made the decision to ask her to marry him after he witnessed the trauma of the birth of their twins. The second twin was unresponsive/floppy for more than 5 mins and was whisked away - they thought the worst.

My mum died on the last day of August this year - her funeral was September. I thought I was dealing with grief quite well until Christmas time and realised, when I started to think about presents, that I didn't have to buy her any. Then reading Christmas cards I received with 'Mum' (I have three adult children) on them sent me into a tailspin. I've been dissolving into tears, really loud crying (which I never do) all through December because I miss my mum.

Maybe that's just pressure releasing itself. It doesn't make me feel any better.

There have been many lovely mumsnetters who have supported me through this difficult time. When it's all written down it could be described as epic. Perhaps I should write a book. There's innumerable hilarious/sad anecdotes from when I was teaching. Perhaps I could be the next Gervais Phinn?

I actually, recently met one mumsnetter and she's every bit of an angel as she appears on here.

OP posts:
14Q · 27/12/2023 11:17

That is an awful lot for anyone to deal with. I hope things improve for you this year.

LadyEloise1 · 27/12/2023 11:29

14Q · 27/12/2023 11:17

That is an awful lot for anyone to deal with. I hope things improve for you this year.

I agree. It's very tough - your first Christmas without your beloved Mum and a husband whose personality appears changed.
A daughter who appears oblivious to her own thoughtlessness.
I hope you are getting good support in rl.