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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 24/04/2023 11:31

@ThanksItHasPockets

Yes! Eggshells.

I've spent a good proportion of life walking on eggshells. It must be ingrained by now. It's my personality - my foibles.

My older daughter is autistic, dyslexic, dyspraxic, has EDS. My younger daughter (getting married) has EDS. We're suspecting that younger daughter and I are on the autism spectrum. Older daughter displays more traits and was diagnosed aged 10 yrs - struggling in school (EDS diagnosed aged 25 yrs).

In the past I've tended to say what I feel and could be blunt, possibly like my father. I had to learn to vehemently avoid any confrontation to avoid any bad feeling at any cost. I learned to be excruciatingly diplomatic. I tentatively offer solutions to smooth out potential conflict. It can be exhausting - constantly trying to anticipate potential issues and head them off. It's just me - who I am.

My older daughter (who is very blunt and doesn't care) has three children who are all being assessed for autism. It's hard minding them as they all can have meltdowns unless you walk the eggshells. Her youngest has had genetic testing recently to see if anything presents as he is quite badly affected - you can't even let him allow him to see you looking at him. He hates eye contact unless it's instigated by him. He will flip if he's spoken to. Then all of a sudden he's playful, funny and a happy soul - he's a conundrum.

When I'm with either daughter and any trait becomes apparent - there are quite a few idiosyncrasies - we laugh about it.

I'm wondering if the autism traits are becoming more noticeable in the younger generations - more pronounced.

The last thing I want is to cause upset.

It's my problem - and I'm the cause of the problem. I'm a people pleaser.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 24/04/2023 11:33

Laiste · 24/04/2023 10:56

OP, my eldest DD is engaged to a lovely guy and wanting to get married asap, but they can't because he is being a bit emotionally blackmailed by his mother about numbers and who comes too. There's a stalemate.

Me - i'm keeping out of it.

Maybe i should be as brave as you and start a thread Flowers😂

I'm not brave - I'm a walkover 🤣

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 24/04/2023 12:18

In the past I've tended to say what I feel and could be blunt, possibly like my father. I had to learn to vehemently avoid any confrontation to avoid any bad feeling at any cost. I learned to be excruciatingly diplomatic. I tentatively offer solutions to smooth out potential conflict. It can be exhausting - constantly trying to anticipate potential issues and head them off. It's just me - who I am.

This paragraph really jumped out at me, @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche. I can't offer any opinion on whether you not you might be autistic but this is a very accurate description of 'masking'. It is something that neurodivergent women in particular learn to do very effectively and as you say it is absolutely exhausting. I don't think it is necessarily who you are. I think it is who you think you need to be after a lifetime of smoothing down your sharp edges to fit the social expectation of how women should behave.

If you are in a position to access some therapy I think you would find it very, very helpful indeed. Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
ParkrunPlodder · 24/04/2023 15:09

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 24/04/2023 10:40

@rookiemere

They've been living together since 2018.

They were saving to get married. When they officially became engaged they immediately set their date. Not like some who get engaged, never set a date and never marry. They chose to make a commitment to each other quite early in their relationship.

His family are the opposite of mine - they all appear confident (could be described as loud) and dominate the room/place - doesn't make them bad people. They are great company. They reached out and supported me when my husband was ill - they didn't have to.

There was only one assistant (the owner) in the whole place when we had our appointment at the bridal shop. Her assistant had unexpectedly rung in sick. We weren't twiddling our thumbs waiting - we were looking at the dresses and bridesmaids dresses, veils, jewellery. In fact we were quite giddy and doing silly dances to the background Muzak while no one was watching. It wasn't a subdued or somber occasion. It was a giggling, girlie, and a teary morning followed by a lovely long lunch because the men were looking after the children.

Yes - I agree, my husband is sarcastically moaning about the one sidedness of it all and trying to disguise it as humour. We can't magically conjure up more family. I'm surprised he's moaning tbh as he's been spending money hand over fist since his by-pass surgery. 'Pump head' is an actual thing and it's either temporary or can be permanent. He was on by-pass much longer than originally planned as the surgery was more complex than the scans indicated. He's probably more bothered about it being unequal than the expense. Even if all our friends went we wouldn't equal the groom's side.

I'm thinking that the problem was that if his relatives were only invited to the evening event, they wouldn't bother to travel the distance involved so his mum was wanting them all to be at the main event. He was wanting his friends at the actual ceremony over his relatives who he seldom sees. So they've found it difficult to decide between the whole day event versus just the evening event. Some of his friends have been married 10+ years and he's trying to reciprocate the many wedding invitations he's had previously.

At least I haven't caused them any bad feeling, unlike the in laws who are emotionally blackmailing their son because the best man isn't one of his brothers (they're not groomsmen either). I will not mention numbers and I will not mention lists and I will not mention seating/table arrangements or anything else to do with the wedding. I will be here to support when necessary.

There's a lot of vipers here considering that I didn't post in AIBU. There are polite ways of saying negative things without being downright insulting.

I can honestly say now - I'm not bothered if our friends don't go. I was worried that they would think it odd as we went to their son's wedding. As did an OP on another thread - hence my post.

That’s what I would do too. Be Ming your child’s safe place even when an adult is such a valuable gift to give them.
I’m so glad your DH has come through his procedures ok and that life will hopefully settle down a bit for you now. Hope you find an outfit that makes you feel fabulous and have a wonderful day.

MysteryBelle · 24/04/2023 15:12

You are close to your daughter, you can just say ‘hey, dd, would it be an imposition to invite our good friends x and y? Totally fine if not, and I want you and fiancé to have a wonderful day.’ Something like that. No fuss, no muss.

I think you decided to not say anything. So enjoy the day with your family and in-laws.

MysteryBelle · 24/04/2023 15:14

Your daughter may have her hands full with the children and planning. She may have not thought of your friends with all that is going on, that could be all it is. Regardless, hope the day goes well for you all.

GOW56 · 24/04/2023 15:14

We paid for our daughter's wedding but left the invitation list completely up to her and her fiancé.

MadCatLady27 · 24/04/2023 21:30

I'm having this problem

We'd planned on having a small wedding

OH has a larger family, so was going to have a larger proportion of guests, however it now feels like every distant relative is getting a freaking invite and I know where this is coming from, given I was in ear shot of her telling him to issue her brother an evening invite!

I've just been told tonight he's invited 3 cousins "because there was space". He's now shocked I'm "kicking off" about this.

The cling ons cousins were going to be given evening invites (fine as there's no food so they'd be free). There's 3 of them so if they bring partners that's more £££'s catering for them.

I wouldn't be so appalled if there was a bit of financial support towards them. No nothing, for any of it. So why are they getting to dictate the guest list

My parents are helping financially, and offered to pay for the 3 they wanted to offer an invite to.

Quite a few of my guests are teetotal (cheaper package) yet none of his are.

Unfortunately he won't say anything

Even better - we're getting married in church and had picked a religious reading. Order of service all sorted. He then informs me his dad won't read the reading because it's religious??? So now can't sort the order of service until the vicar has got back to us with whether it's ok not to have a religious reading (said reading wasn't even declaring alliance to God, doesn't even mention God)

How can I avoid losing my s* because I'm close to!

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 05:54

@MadCatLady27 why are you marrying a man with no respect for you or your family and whose parents trump everything you want?

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/04/2023 07:59

Weddings are so divisive. 🤣 (Jest.)

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 25/04/2023 11:30

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 05:54

@MadCatLady27 why are you marrying a man with no respect for you or your family and whose parents trump everything you want?

This 💯
Think long and hard @MadCatLady27

Proudofitbabe · 25/04/2023 17:40

@MadCatLady27 why are you avoiding losing your shit?! Lose it, fast. And him, if you don't get the right response.

MadCatLady27 · 25/04/2023 20:19

Proudofitbabe · 25/04/2023 17:40

@MadCatLady27 why are you avoiding losing your shit?! Lose it, fast. And him, if you don't get the right response.

How's the best way of losing my shit? I'm not great at confrontation!

I did lose my shit over the reading, especially after being told "they will find another one". I said absolutely not, WE will choose an alternative that WE want at OUR wedding not one they have decided. Out of principal even if it was perfect, I will not be using one of theirs. Someone at work said I should choose an even more religious reading for him 😂

How can I deal with the cling ons given they've already been invited? I would absolutely love to revoke the invite. I would have less of a problem if they'd said "oh we'd really like xxx to come, we will pay for them" but no nothing 😡

It's infuriating because almost everything else he's great and very good to me but the apron strings not being cut is probably his biggest flaw. I'd love to read his messages as it may be true he wants them there but I strongly suspect their presence has been demanded

newjobnewstartihope · 25/04/2023 21:36

My cousin recently got married. Loads of my aunt and uncles friends went and me and my brother weren't even invited (she only has us two cousins) just seems silly to invite your friends to your daughters wedding unless they are very close and involved in her life

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 25/04/2023 22:13

How's the best way of losing my shit? I'm not great at confrontation!

I find that asking how they’d feel if positions were reversed is sometimes a good assertive way. Stick to facts and don’t minimise.

But honestly, husbands deferring to their mothers can be a disaster waiting to happen in a marriage. On the one hand, a man who cares about his mother is a sign he’s a good man. But if he sides with her in ways that interfere with your marriage, this can be a really corrosive issue in a marriage long term.

Liorae · 25/04/2023 22:19

Haus1234 · 22/04/2023 17:59

Is it one couple that your DD knows well? It would be very reasonable to ask your DD to invite them (and debatably unreasonable for her to refuse given you are paying).

However, it is no longer the case that the parents set the whole guest list and only invite their friends + family plus a very small amount of the B&Gs friends which is what my parents wedding in the 70s was like!

It's also usually not the case to expect parents to make more than a contribution to the cost of the wedding.

Toddlerteaplease · 25/04/2023 22:26

My parents paid for my sister's wedding. They had no say in the guest list.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 25/04/2023 22:46

You are paying so you get to choose.

Bansheed · 25/04/2023 22:55

I am baffled in the direction we are going. Someone else pays for the huge expense of a massive wedding and there is no social contract back? How the hell has this evolved. Does no-one have any basic manners anymore?

Liorae · 26/04/2023 00:20

Skybluepinky · 22/04/2023 18:20

We sent token invites and they all turned up, neither of us wanted them there!
ours was unbalanced more on my side than his so felt obliged to invite them.

That's a pretty crap thing to do. I'll bet they noticed as well.

BillyNoM8s · 26/04/2023 00:27

Why are you paying? Is it because you want to have a say? Or is it because it's a nice thing to do for your child?

If there are no budget or space constraints and your friends are family friends then I'd imagine your daughter will have them on the list anyway.

I think it's fine for you to ask if so and so is invited. I don't agree you're the host though - it's not your wedding.

Liorae · 26/04/2023 00:27

JorisBonson · 22/04/2023 18:36

Why should the money come with conditions?

Show quote history

Because large gifts come with the social expectation of a degree of reciprocity.

minipie · 26/04/2023 00:38

Goodness, you only want to invite a couple of people, maybe one or two more, and the groom is inviting 100+?

Personally I think the invites should be more balanced between bride and groom - even if you weren’t paying. But definitely since you are.

There is no way the groom has 150 close friends and family members. I realise he may have a large family and lots of extended groups of friends but he won’t be close with them all. He has to cut off somewhere and yes feelings may be hurt but that’s guest lists for you. I bet your old friends are closer to your DD than some of his 150 are to him.

At our wedding both sets of parents invited one table’s worth of friends. Maybe 15% of the guest list. It wasn’t a demand at all, but we would have felt wrong not inviting them, these are people who saw us grow up and whose houses we were in and out of. Plus it meant our parents enjoyed the event more and none of our much younger friends had to sit with them 😁 Doesn’t your DD want to invite your old friends?

Just say you’d like them to be there and don’t worry about it so much. And set a budget pronto!!

Allschoolsareartschools · 26/04/2023 00:52

If I was paying in full for my dd's wedding then yes I would absolutely expect 2 of my friends to attend. But I've bought my dd up to have just a bit of respect for others & money.
There's a lot of brats entitled people on this thread. Weddings all down to the couple's wishes & someone paying thousands can't invite a friend? What a joke. Fine, pay for it all yourselves then...
OP I feel sad about the way you're being treated, stand up for yourself!

Tourmalines · 26/04/2023 01:35

Allschoolsareartschools · 26/04/2023 00:52

If I was paying in full for my dd's wedding then yes I would absolutely expect 2 of my friends to attend. But I've bought my dd up to have just a bit of respect for others & money.
There's a lot of brats entitled people on this thread. Weddings all down to the couple's wishes & someone paying thousands can't invite a friend? What a joke. Fine, pay for it all yourselves then...
OP I feel sad about the way you're being treated, stand up for yourself!

This definitely. It’s a fucking disgrace .