Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 22/04/2023 18:09

Heroicallyfound · 22/04/2023 18:00

You can decide whether your offer to pay for the wedding is fully no strings attached, or if it is conditional on your preferred guests being included.

yes this, but if your gift of paying is with strings attached then it’s only reasonable to communicate that to the bride and groom so they can accept/decline your gift and all the strings consciously. Otherwise it just creates problems. If you haven’t communicated about it, don’t be surprised if the bride and groom get annoyed when you try to invite people.

This, have you offered to pay so they can have an amazing day, or so you can have a party with your friends?

Bimbom · 22/04/2023 18:09

You're paying for a massive wedding, of course you should be able to invite some family friends.

Are the invites traditional, ie from you?

flapjackfairy · 22/04/2023 18:09

@Wewereonabreak88
They ARE paying for the wedding!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Tickledtrout · 22/04/2023 18:10

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:05

I'm thinking back to my wedding and can remember several couples on both sides of the family who were friends of our parents.

We paid for our wedding. Our parents paid for our honeymoon.

We haven't had any input up to now - all the main services required are booked.

My husband has mentioned (in jest - hopefully) that he's paying for a massive party for the in-laws.

He would be upset if our friends were left out. Confused

Similar arrangement with my first wedding. In-laws had helped and funded the evening reception. Both parents invited a table of their closest friends, some of whom were parents of best man, bridesmaid etc.
Made it a lovely mix of family and friends

Peekingovertheparapet · 22/04/2023 18:11

We paid for our own wedding to avoid some of the ‘oh but you have to invite so and so’ conversations. If parents had been paying I would absolutely expect them to have some say over the guest list.

NutButters · 22/04/2023 18:11

There isn’t a single right way to do it. My parents had some of their friends at our wedding (3 or 4 couples) - they had also given us some money towards it (25%) but I’d have been happy for them to invite people even without this.

I think you have left it quite late to discuss it though as presumably if they have ordered cards they have thought about who to send them to. Best crack on.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:12

Haus1234 · 22/04/2023 17:59

Is it one couple that your DD knows well? It would be very reasonable to ask your DD to invite them (and debatably unreasonable for her to refuse given you are paying).

However, it is no longer the case that the parents set the whole guest list and only invite their friends + family plus a very small amount of the B&Gs friends which is what my parents wedding in the 70s was like!

Yes - one couple. They came to our wedding. Very good friends. Our children played together.

We have not dictated anything - we're just picking up the tab.

OP posts:
Wishawisha · 22/04/2023 18:13

I think you have a lot of say if you’re paying.

In my cohort of friends, acquaintances, coworkers etc I’d say it’s very unusual in this day and age for your parents to pay for your wedding. If they do pay, then it’s not just your day.

I barely discussed my wedding with my parents, bar inviting them, but I didn’t ask them for a penny.

Easterbunnywashere · 22/04/2023 18:13

Depends who is paying. We paid part so negotiated over the guest list and we agreed who to invite between us.

Excited101 · 22/04/2023 18:14

I think it’s really odd when the parents pay and then think they can invite all their friends. If you don’t want to pay for them to have the day they want, don’t offer! Presumably if your friends are that relevant to the bridge/groom then they would be invited anyway. If they’re not, why should they be there celebrating the union of 2 people they don’t even know- the whole thing is really weird! If you want a party for your friends then have one, don’t take over your daughters wedding to do so.

Felicity42 · 22/04/2023 18:14

Have the conversation with your daughter. Sooner rather than later.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 18:14

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 17:57

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. None of my parents friends were invited to our wedding. That would be weird.
If you want to pay for the wedding that's fine, but let them invite who they want. It's not your wedding!

FFS, it's not weird at all. These friends of the op are probably very well known to the bride and had a significant place in her life growing up. I'm sure the op isn't talking about inviting her coworkers or some random friend from book group. 🙄

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 18:15

Excited101 · 22/04/2023 18:14

I think it’s really odd when the parents pay and then think they can invite all their friends. If you don’t want to pay for them to have the day they want, don’t offer! Presumably if your friends are that relevant to the bridge/groom then they would be invited anyway. If they’re not, why should they be there celebrating the union of 2 people they don’t even know- the whole thing is really weird! If you want a party for your friends then have one, don’t take over your daughters wedding to do so.

I think it's really odd to think that parents would ever pay and not "host".

RampantIvy · 22/04/2023 18:15

Quite frankly, it sounds like the bride and groom are taking the piss by organising all those extras and the groom inviting 150 people.

Schoolchoicesucks · 22/04/2023 18:15

I commented on the other thread. If you are paying then yes, I would expect you to have some input into the guest list. Perhaps a couple of family friends who were still close to your daughter. Particularly as it seems there will be so many friends and family from the grooms side.
Do they want such a big wedding?

The bride's family paying and having say over the guest list or "hosting" the event does seem old fashioned to me though. I think it is more common to be organised by, paid by and guests chosen by the couple themselves.

Vallmo47 · 22/04/2023 18:15

I’m a bit torn on this to be honest. I think it’s so kind and lovely you’ve offered to pay and I’m sure that’s been very gratefully received. When I got married recently however, my MIL kept saying “You know X and Y? They lived on my street growing up. They’re invited right?” and I was baffled because they were people I’d never even met. So for me it would depend on circumstances and in hindsight it would have been useful if you’d been clear from the beginning. IE saying “This is our gift to you, we want to pay for it all. The only condition is that we’d like our closest friends to attend”. I remember many, many frustrating conversations with my MIL prior to my big day to be honest …. At one point I came close to saying “thank you for your advice, but I really want us to make our own decisions”. But if it’s just the one small request, and like you said, you are paying for it. One couple of people. I’d be ok with that I think. My MIL’s list was very long.

DappledThings · 22/04/2023 18:15

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 17:57

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. None of my parents friends were invited to our wedding. That would be weird.
If you want to pay for the wedding that's fine, but let them invite who they want. It's not your wedding!

It's not weird at all if they have genuinely been family friends for some time. I had 6 people come to my wedding who are friends of my parents and have been in my life since I was very young. Same reason I sadly went to the funeral of one of them this week.

My parents paid for most of our wedding and that did give them some say over the guest list but we would have invited the same friends anyway.

OP if these friends of yours are genuinely family friends your daughter cares about she'll want to invite them anyway. If they aren't then it would be nice if she chose to invite them for you but even if you're paying it's controversial ground.

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 18:16

There's no right answer, although given that you're paying in full and it's one couple not a whole table's worth then I think they'd be out order to refuse unless there's a really good reason (limited numbers at venue for example, and inviting your friends would mean they'd have to axe two of their friends).

It's definitely not always a given though, especially if the couple getting married don't have much to do with the friends day to day as Adults (would the bride & groom be invited to a big birthday party by your friends, for example?). I was 'Auntie Syrah' to a lot of friends children when they were small, but now they're growing up into their own lives I don't have much to do with them and wouldn't expect to be invited to their weddings.

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 18:18

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 17:57

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. None of my parents friends were invited to our wedding. That would be weird.
If you want to pay for the wedding that's fine, but let them invite who they want. It's not your wedding!

I think it's a tad more unreasonable that the OP is paying for the entire wedding and the partner's family who are not paying are having 150 of their friends and family whilst only 12 are from the OPs side.

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 18:20

JorisBonson · 22/04/2023 18:00

I've been married twice and both times I've had an absolute headache with my mother trying to invite her friends, some of whom I don't even like.

Stay out of it, it's up to them who they invite.

Then perhaps you also wouldn't expect your parents to pay for the entire wedding including the inviting if 150 friends and family in the groom side and only 12 on the parents side

Skybluepinky · 22/04/2023 18:20

We sent token invites and they all turned up, neither of us wanted them there!
ours was unbalanced more on my side than his so felt obliged to invite them.

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 18:22

Also I don't think the comments about the size of each side are particularly fair or relevant.

At our wedding my family invites totalled 5 people, as that's all the direct family I have. DH is one of 4 siblings each with their own partners and families, so his side was triple mine before we even started with friends. That's not his 'fault' though, like it's not OP's soon to be SIL's fault that his family is bigger than theirs.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/04/2023 18:25

Tricky

Tech the b&g should decide who they want

But

As you are paying for it all then it's obv not a budget thing which is way so many don't get invited

So yes I think you should be allowed your best friend there if such good family friends

Nottamug · 22/04/2023 18:26

My Mum had about 6 of her close friends at our wedding. It never occurred to me not to invite them . My MIL the same . Why would you not? My Mum paid for a huge chunk of the wedding but that was irrelevant. I have been to two close friends daughters wedding. I certainly felt very welcome. Had known both girls all their lives.

Lavenderlaze · 22/04/2023 18:27

You can ask but if they say no then respect that. I didn't want people I wasn't close to at my wedding and resisted any pressure.

Paying for the wedding shouldn't come with conditions.