Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

I guess some of us just believe that gifts should be given without strings attached.

I guess that some of us have read all of the OP's posts and feel that since the in-laws have decided to invite hundreds of guests as opposed to the handful of guests the bride wants to invite that a couple of extra guests that the bride's parents want to invite is not unreasonable.

This is nothing to do with "strings attached" and all about the prospective son in law's family being CF about the whole thing, and massively taking the piss.

The OP is so scared to ask if she and DH can invite TWO family friends that she is planning a ludicrous line of questioning around the intended size of the cake to try and raise the topic, and that is what you take from this thread?

I don’t know what some of you are reading.

Oh don't be so po-faced.

The groom's family feel entitled to invite whoever they want despite the fact that they're not the ones paying.

It is in no way unreasonable for the OP and her husband to invite one couple to an event they are footing the entire bill for.

That is not strings. It’s common courtesy. Parents are paying, the bride and groom can have the kind of wedding they want but 100% acceptable and normal for parents to have a couple of tables of their friends that they are paying for in any place.

Take your sanctimony elsewhere. You have completely misread this thread.

Wow, rude.

I find passive-aggressive statements that are totally inappropriate for the OP’s situation ruder, tbh.

Rude how? The comment was sanctimonious and the poster had misread the thread.

I don't want to be overtly pushy. 'What about Dick and Liddy then?'

If I ask if the 'save the dates' have gone out, that will give me a good opening to talk about rough numbers because I'll then ask if they've finalised the list and might even get to know day and evening guest lists. If our friends are not on the list then so be it. We've decided that we aren't going to ask. We went to their son's wedding but our children (adults) weren't invited.

I was also asked if I minded not getting a 'save the date'. They're rather nice and I would've liked one as a keepsake, but I've ended up with a photo of one. Husband joked that he was wondering if we were 'on the list'.

I'm aware times and trends change - for my wedding it was relatives and very close family friends for the ceremony and a wider circle of friends for the evening event. I know that sounds 'old fashioned'. The reason we paid for our own wedding was because I had left home before we were married. We did keep our numbers low - looking back on photos, a fair proportion of our family guests are no longer with us. My dad was an orphan and mum was the youngest of her brothers and sisters by far. Unusually for the time (60s) my parents were 'middle aged' when they had me. I'm the youngest of all my cousins by at least 20 yrs. Apart from my brother, the other relatives at our daughters's wedding will come from my husband's side - his isn't a large family either.

We simply thought that by helping our daughter out, they would be able to put the money they've saved towards a large purchase for their family.

We weren't helped financially or with childminding support so we always said that if we could help our children out in that way, we would.

I think a poster has said the marriage won't last and it'll be a waste of money. Who can say?

They said that when I got married - three children, six grandchildren and a very peculiar personality change later - here we are, 36 years on.

Because the point about gifts given with strings is valid IMO, it was discussed early on in the thread, and several posters have agreed. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean you get to judge people as ‘sanctimonious’ and tell them to go elsewhere on a public forum where everyone is welcome. But then if you believe gifts can justifiably be given with strings you’re on dodgy moral ground anyway, so I guess a bit of judgement and exclusion thrown in is no big deal??

my parents paid for a lot of our wedding, well most of the reception anyway

yes they did get to invite their friends/family, it got a bit stressful as the number we could sit down was a bit less than ideal however all worked out in the

if the b&g are paying however I don’t think parents get a say

She knows that I paid the deposit for my daughter's dress (half). This is in addition to the lump sum they already had.

If future son in law hasn't told them we're paying, they won't know - I know we haven't said anything. They are unaware of other ways we've helped them out - when they moved house two years ago.

We know them (daughter's future IL) very well - we go to theatre, concerts, meals/barbecues together and have regular games nights with them. We enjoy their company. Any of their visiting relatives we've been introduced to along the way - they're all lovely.

Maybe they think their son is paying?

This is barely believable. You are so passive and they are all so entitled.

You daren't even say "so how many guests are you inviting" to your daughter? You have to hint? And the colour of your outfit is dictated be the MIL, who hijacked the dress appointment?

And now they can't even be bothered to send you a save the date card?

This is absolutely grim.

I'm relieved to know that it's still a done thing.

I was beginning to feel 'freaky'.

Would that be in the bit where OP categorically stated that they had not attached any strings to the money, and then repeatedly explained that she has no idea about any part of the wedding because she’s had so little to do with it?

OP’s husband has written their DD a blank cheque and it sounds very much like they are being absolutely rinsed by their future SIL’s family. I’m sure you’ll have an opinion on the morality of that. In her position I would be very worried about the spiralling costs and her husband’s strange behaviour. I would not be worried about gently asking if two old family friends could attend out of a guest list of one hundred and eighty people. If you consider that to be ‘strings’ then I will wish you well and engage no further with your particular worldview.

You’re paying for the wedding so you get to decide who to invite, it’s effectively your party if you’re paying. They invites should come from you, Mrs and Mrs bla bla invite you to the wedding of their daughter etc etc. If bride and groom don’t want you deciding the guest list then they can pay for their own wedding.

I think that a few (possibly half a dozen or so) very close family members/close friends aren't getting one as she ordered a set amount in multiples of 10. The numbers kept creeping up.

We (the ones without save the dates) definitely know we're going - we've got a photo version of the save the date 🤣 the rest haven't been posted. We all have key roles - MotB, bridesmaids, groomsman (our son) etc. We know future MIL isn't getting one either. 😬

Not freaky at all! The freaks are the ones who’d begrudge you a measly couple of guests at a celebration you’re funding, when it makes no difference to anyone. What sort of mean-spirited, spoilt, spiteful crap attitude is that! My parents are as generous as it gets, no strings attached 🙄 but good relationships are a two-way street and couples SHOULD want generous parents to be happy on the day. I think it’s awful your kindness is being abused, please don’t put up with it.

It’s like you’re afraid to talk to your own daughter, whose wedding you’re paying for and she told you not to expect a save the date card you would have liked as a memento and would have been no trouble for her to give you, ok.

This is utterly ridiculous. Unless these two very close friends of yours have done something to your daughter then of course they should be invited. That’s all you’re asking, good grief. While his side invites the whole world. Which you’re paying for. Your daughter lacks basic grace and manners. You may not like me saying that but it is she who is deciding how you’re treated in this wedding of hers that you are paying for. She sure doesn’t hesitate to rake in your money does she.

Of course you should be able to invite two friends. The grooms side should be paying for their own side!

I'm sorry, but I agree with this ^^.
The whole dynamic seems rather dysfunctional to me.

We were (I was) going to hint to them if our friends weren't on the list - even just to go to the evening event.

But we've decided not to say a word.

As some pp have pointed out - there will be plenty enough people there - and getting to talk to everyone will be improbable. My husband knows quite a few of future son in law's friends and also their fathers. A large group of them regularly go to a few major football matches together. They always come home worse for wear after their long weekends. Son in law plays football for a local league and also coaches a couple of young teams on an evening. This is where his many friends come from. I know there are certain friends of his whose parents he would like to attend. I know my daughter's friends well (mainly from school) and also their partners - I will be able to spend time with them on the day. It will also be nice to get to know the in laws wider family. Perhaps if our friends attended they would feel lost in a sea of people they don't know and feel bored/uncomfortable.

My husband and I have both 'enjoyed' (?) going through this thread. We're a little upset that our daughter is now classed as a money grabbing ingrate. But I have put her in that position - whatever. She certainly is quiet and reserved - her partner is the opposite. They went through hell when their first daughter was born at the beginning of lockdown. She needed immediate surgery and was in NICU for six weeks. Her partner did not meet his daughter for six weeks. It was touch and go on at least two occasions that their daughter pulled through due to complications. Their baby came home on oxygen. Stupidly, we followed lockdown rules to the letter and just delivered their weekly shop for them. That was until my daughter's GP kindly suggested that I go and stay with them and give them some support (my daughter was really struggling). And again, our daughter gave birth to twins last year, the second twin had not arrived more than an hour after the first and she had to give birth immediately to a breech baby or have an emergency caesarean. Her baby was born bottom first, floppy and unresponsive - the scariest moments they had ever faced. It was only a matter of minutes before the second twin was resuscitated but to them it felt like forever. They've been through a lot to have their children. They are wonderful, attentive parents. They share every task equally. It's more than evident they respect and adore each other. Future son in law said that it was the admiration he had for our daughter after that traumatic birth that triggered the proposal. He was in absolute awe of her.

We're delighted to be able to pay for their nuptials. They didn't ask for money - but I'm sure they knew we would contribute.

We enjoy our daughter's and future son in law's company and that of their family. As a pp said - it's not his fault he has a massive family and has masses of friends. He just does. My husband has had a new lease of life/experiences since he started to be included/invited to these football matches.

I was triggered by a thread where someone was shocked at not being invited to their friend's' daughter's wedding. It got me wondering if our friends would be 'entitled' to be present at our daughter's wedding. They aren't.

Having seen the judgement and reaction - we know that 'no strings' means no cheeky hints.

I can see that it looks like the groom's side have an advantage, we have said that ourselves - if it looks like that, so be it. My husband has said more than a few times that it's the in laws wedding he's paying for because on balance that's exactly what it is. We can accept that. I'm not scared of my daughter. I just don't want to insult her judgement by rearranging her arrangements.

But I will be miffed if any of the future in laws' friends make the cut.

So sorry for that epic - you don't have to read. It's boring in the scheme of things.

I don't suit pink - I'm not a pink person.

I'm dreading trying on my own outfit - I hate my face.

Good luck. You are going to need it.

@saraclara

MIL saw an outfit in the bridal shop (an hour and half from where she lives) and loved it instantly. So she ordered and paid for it there and then. Also, bought matching hat and bag.

I'm not a hat person - so I'll feel inferior straight away. I'll maybe get a fantastic bag/shoe combination. I love shoes.

Am I talking myself into justifying a lop-sided wedding?

I'm listening to everyone, trying to convince my husband and trying to convince myself.

I'm confused now.