Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

Does your daughter have a relationship with your friends?

I think in the past parents (of the bride especially) had a much bigger say in the whole wedding. These days most couples pay towards their own wedding and have a much greater say, and parents far less.

If your daughter has a relationship with those family friends then it would be nice for them to be invited, if the venue numbers allow after their friends and closer family. It would also be nice as it would balance the 'sides' up too.

However, I think it's a case of asking if there is room for your friends rather than demanding it.

@Laiste

Yes - still here.

When they got engaged they assumed they were paying. They might have assumed (correctly) we would contribute.

Yes - he's (husband) had a bit of a personality change since his surgery. He was a tight wad before. Now the garage (and other spaces) are full of stuff he's bought but never used. I have to fight a path to the tumble drier and the chest freezer. I thought that it would have worn off by now. The upside is - I feel less guilty when buying yarn to knit for the children/others.

I will see my daughter on Wednesday/Thursday so I will seize any opportunity to engineer a discussion about numbers, without trying to make it obvious that I'm deliberately fishing. Maybe what size wedding cake she's ordered. Ideally, she will start talking numbers and will ask what the initial count is.

Maybe not everyone will be able to make the journey/effort - but we won't know until the invites go out next year.

No I didn't miss it. I just don't like giving money with conditions. Give or don't give, but don't make the mistake of making the wedding about you. It's not.

If they are paying yes they get a say. If you don't like it pay yourself.

I forgot to say. I don't think the op should necessarily pay for the wedding and certainly not all of it. Especially with such an unequal split of guests. I'm just saying in principle that if you give money for your child's wedding it doesn't come with rights interfer.

I too think the op is being too generous, but I separate that from the guest list.

Maybe I'm old enough to be cynical but I just think you'll regret and resent it when the marriage falls apart.

OP I don't get you are still pussyfooting around on this issue.

You're paying for the wedding. No, that doesn't mean you get to dictate the guest list. But it does mean that the number of guests is absolutely 100% your business, and you should either be giving the couple a fixed budget and telling them to do what they like with it but making it clear that they have to fund any shortfall themselves, or it's up to you to fix the number of guests in consultation with the couple once you know the cost per head, and for them to then decide who makes the cut and who doesn't.

And yes, for what it's worth, if you're paying for a wedding which might have up to 200 day guests and another 100 evening guests, you absolutely can insist that the guest list includes one couple of your friends that you would like to invite.

But you cannot expect your DD and future SIL to know this by telepathy. It's no good secretly hoping that your friends will make the guest list, just like it's no good secretly hoping that they will soon see fit to share with you how many people they have invited, and that the final bill won't be too colossal.

If the bride and groom were currently counting your friends among the guest list, I'm pretty sure you'd know about it. If you haven't said anything and don't say anything, they won't be invited. Even if your DD would have liked to invite them, it sounds like her future MIL is causing enough of a headache demanding that every single one of her extremely large family is invited, and she's unlikely to exacerbate that problem by allocating two more places to friends of yours that you have not asked her to invite.

Find your voice. Stop letting everyone steamroller you.

No I didn't miss it. I just don't like giving money with conditions

It doesn't have to be "conditions". I think if the OP just said "would you mind if we invite x and y to the wedding?" it would be fine.

In what possible universe is the OP ‘making it all about her’ by enquiring whether it’s ok to invite a couple of old family friends to her daughter’s wedding?

Some utterly batshit comments on this thread and a lot of deliberate disregard of nuance.

@knittingaddict

No I didn't miss it. I just don't like giving money with conditions. Give or don't give, but don't make the mistake of making the wedding about you. It's not.

I know the wedding isn't about me. There are (obviously) no conditions whatsoever on who is invited.

It is what it is.

The only condition which I'm aware of is on me. I cannot wear silver or pink as that is future MIL's outfit. It's from the bridal shop where my daughter's dress is from.

I genuinely cannot fathom how you could read OP’s posts and conclude that she is making the wedding about her. Truly.

I genuinely cannot fathom how you could read OP’s posts and conclude that she is making the wedding about her. Truly.

I agree @LudicrouslyCapaciousBag

OP I think this is bonkers. You’re fully funding a party for possibly 200 people, many of whom you’ve never met, and you’re agonising over whether your daughter & future SIL will allow you to invite 2 people? Who you will be fully paying for yourself? Your daughter/SIL won’t make their way round 200 people, so probably won’t even have to speak to them. They have completely free rein with your cash and you think they might have an issue with this?

And just to add, your daughters in laws seem to have no qualms about making the wedding all about them - arguing over the guest list, who they want vs who the groom wants, despite not putting their hands in their pockets!

Your daughter and her in laws really are taking the proverbial! Now you are being dictated to about colour of your MOTB outfit…you really do need to use your voice.

WTAF.

Who has stipulated this?

This has to be a wind up. No one would be this passive. My parents gave me literally no budget for our wedding as whatever it cost was pennies to them but I still knew where having a fairytale day finished and taking the piss started.

Find out what outfit she has. Go pinker. Look better.

I will see my daughter on Wednesday/Thursday so I will seize any opportunity to engineer a discussion about numbers, without trying to make it obvious that I'm deliberately fishing. Maybe what size wedding cake she's ordered. Ideally, she will start talking numbers and will ask what the initial count is.

OP, this is crazy. Why do you have to hint or tiptoe like this? Why can't you just say to your daughter "I just want to check that you're including Darby and Joan amongst your numbers. It would mean a lot to me and your father to have them there."

I know what outfit she (MIL) has. She saw it in the window of the bridal shop where my daughter ordered her dress from.

She took the first 15-20 min of my daughter's appointment trying this outfit on downstairs whilst we waited for her upstairs. There was only one assistant on that morning and a prom dress fitting straight afterwards so we felt rushed/squeezed for time.

Fortunately my daughter loved the second dress she put on, tried a third but immediately wanted the second. She had already picked out the dress online and it's the one she ended up with. The first dress she tried on was the most expensive in the shop - the assistant insisted that she should try this particular one first - it was itchy.

So my daughter and MIL were sorted out within the hour.

To be fair MIL did look gorgeous.

Maybe don't go pink then if she looks good in it

It sounds like MIL is definitely the driving force across this whole issue. What's your relationship with her like? Do you think she even knows you're paying?

My parents funded our (large) wedding, and had a couple of tables-worth of guests. It was a tell, not an ask, and rightly so. DH and I were perfectly happy to go along with it, made no difference to us! All nice guests, extra gifts, parents were happy. Who would begrudge it!? Just be firm.

Good grief OP, with that story of MIL trumping the brides dress picking, I'm struggling to believe this is real.

This woman has absolutely no shame. Nice people simply don't steal the limelight in a day like this, I can't believe you didn't go and have a discreet word with her about DD needing to have the shop assistant look after her and MIL afterwards if she had time. what with your DD being the B2B and all .

Please just speak to your DD, stop fretting and beating around the bush, honestly you owe it to your DH.

Exactly! That’s what happens in most weddings where the parents are paying

I guess some of us just believe that gifts should be given without strings attached.