Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

Oh bless you! It sounds as though you’ve all had a really rough time and you love your daughter and her family very much. You’ll have a wonderful time, I’m sure. Even if you hadn’t paid anything, I think if it is on your mind, it would be ok to say something along the lines of “just to check you’ve remembered xxx & xxx and thought about whether you’d like to invite them or not.”

Yes, yes you are.

I couldn't live with that. However lovely the in-laws. I just couldn't. I consider myself a generous person, but I'd feel totally taken advantage of.

But if you can, then go with it if you want. It's not our decision. The important thing is that you're comfortable and you enjoy the day. I'm just scared that something is going to tip you over the edge in the intervening period, and all that money you've spent will end up in a day where you feel like mugs. It could ruin your relationship with those people

It’s this isn’t it. My daughter had a big wedding and I paid for everything except the cars and the men’s clothes. They absolutely had the wedding they wanted but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to wonder if my best friend and her family would be invited. She’s my daughter’s godmother, her granddaughter was a flower girl. Similarly the groom’s family invited everyone they wanted. And the bride and groom invited all the people they wanted. To me it was a normal family wedding. We knew it would be big so the venue was chosen to accommodate the numbers, although the church was a bit of a squeeze. I guess if people pick the venue first and it dictates the guest numbers and it’s all for insta anyway, they might see it differently.

It does sound really bizarre. You sound excessively conflict - avoidant, and that is not the same as being respectful. In fact it denies your daughter agency in this. Do you think it might help your daughter if you could work on being able to talk to her about how you genuinely feel, rather than second - guessing what you should mention?

I'm not scared of my daughter. I just don't want to insult her judgement by rearranging her arrangements
But you needn't "rearrange" anything - just ask her. She has a lot going on. She may not have thought about inviting your friends, but maybe she'd like the opportunity to do this for you and for them.

This is ridiculous - the groom’s second cousins and his football team’s parents are invited, but your best friends aren’t??

OP, you are being absolutely taken for a ride here. It is really disrespectful of the groom - he is absolutely taking the piss here, and your DD is going along with it (and only inviting six friends herself, you said - out of a guest list of 300??)

It is absolute madness that you can't even ask her to please include your two closest friends. It's just beyond bizarre that you refuse to speak to your own child about this.

Paying is a gift that shouldn't come with strings.

You are not unreasonable to ask.

You would be unreasonable to be funny if the answer is no.

As far as I can see, if your daughter and her partner already live and raise children together, all his proposal has triggered, is you forking out an extortionate amount of money for him to get pissed with his family and friends.
It's a party you don't even feel comfortable inviting your best friends to. What really is the point of this stress?

I'd also be concerned about him regularly having these boozy weekends where he "always returns home worse for wear" when your daughter is at home with three very young children.

Are you sure she doesn't have her own thread on the relationship board? 😉

Why don’t they save up and pay for their own wedding???

It’s simple courtesy to invite your parents close friends that she can celebrate with. Are you saying you expect your parents to just sit there with the bride and grooms friends?

Of course there must be compromise across the board and parents should not take over the wedding and take up all spots for their friends but it’s ridiculous to say your parents can’t invite their close fiends to their child’s wedding. because you want the perfect instagram wedding???

Yes, you are.

That other thread was started by someone who feels they ought to have been invited and isn't. We don't know in that case who is paying for the wedding or how big it is, whether there's a small budget or a room with a fixed capacity.

It's a completely different situation.

If your DD and SIL were paying for everything themselves, or you were only making a very small contribution, I'd say the guest list (and number of guests) was none of your business.

But since you are footing the bill for the whole thing and have not meddled in any aspect of the arrangements, even down to setting a budget or telling them how many guests they can invite, pretty much everyone on this thread thinks you should tell your daughter you want your friends to get an invitation.

You know them, we don't.

But it seems to me that this wedding has taken on a life of its own.

Ordering save the dates before you've decided how many people you're inviting? That says to me that things have spun out of control, and they're obsessing about minor details before they've sorted out the major stuff, like HOW MANY PEOPLE THEY'RE INVITING AND HOW MUCH IT IS ALL GOING TO COST.

As the people paying, that stuff is absolutely your business. Saying your friends need to be invited is the bare minimum. But ideally you should put your foot down at this stage and say the budget isn't unlimited and you want to have a discussion about the guest list and the overall costs because you're concerned things are getting out of hand.

I hope your daughter is on Mumsnet and has recognised herself in this thread.

FIL sounds like a right CF demanding 30 mins of Northern soul when it’s not his wedding day and he’s not even put his hand in his pocket!!
Massive red flag if his son is as controlling and demanding!

You're literally asking to have two friends there. You're paying for the lot. Despite mumsnet, in the real world as a pp said, you'd assume even the most entitled bride would think you'd have a table of friends, two is very modest. If your daughter and future son in law are as lovely as you say, let them know this would mean a lot to you and give them the opportunity to be generous with your money. What a shame it would be if after the wedding they said they would have been happy to have them! Perhaps frame it as something that would make your husband especially happy as he had that health scare. Feelings get intense around weddings so I can see why you're wary but this seems a small thing in the grand scheme of things to ask. Have that conversation, or show her this thread and ask what she thinks! Xxxx

I started off thinking that your DD was impolite for not involving you in the guest list, but now I see it's the whole family dynamics that are off. She's simply taking her lead from OP and DH - the world's most self effacing family, seemingly marrying into the one with the most chutzpah.

Your DDs fiancé deigned to propose after she had an extremely difficult birth experience - so if it had gone smoothly would he think it was acceptable not to marry the mother of his twins, and your DD happy to live like that ? I know that's not how you told the story, but that's how it comes across.

MIL hogging the bridal fitting was a clear point at which you should have ensured your DD was prioritised, but you all sat there waiting, biting your lips and wringing your hands doubtless.

Your DH is rightly annoyed he is paying for a huge IL party, but won't say anything directly just moans - sorry jokes - about it to you.

Of course all the ILs friends will be there, why wouldn't they be, they're the ones writing the guest list.

Why not contribute yourself to OP's DD wedding? Maybe £2000?
That would be a gift with no strings.

I am really hoping if and when my son gets married, they will ask my closest friends who have been in his life since he was born. He loves all 3 of them. We will happily contribute to their wedding. But in no way would I ask or demand for them to come.
I believe its entirely up to the bride and groom to invite who they wish.

Blimey. There are some real money-grabbing people on this thread! I just can't imagine taking such an enormous amount of money from my parents for my wedding and not letting them have a couple of friends of their own there.(not referring to your dd, OP)

Fair enough if the bride and groom pay for their extravagant shindig themselves. Fair enough if the wedding is very small. But some people would really grab money with their sticky paws and then refuse to let the payers have any say at all? How tacky.

FWIW OP, I've had two weddings, both of which I paid for myself (along with the Hs to be). Both times I invited a couple of my parents' friends, because a) I'd known them all my life and they were like aunties and uncles and b) I wanted my parents to have someone to chat with/reminisce with. My Hs parents were invited to do the same.

OP I know you don't want to ask your daughter, or even mention it, but I do think you should. It's in no way an outlandish suggestion. Who knows, you might even give her fiance the 'out' he needs- "Oh second cousin twice removed can't come, as fiancee's Aunty Jo and Uncle Fred are coming, so no room for sctr".

Sorry OP, i've been trying to find a more positive spin on this for you but i'm afraid this post by rookiemetre is a good summery.

It's so many 'little' things (which aren't so little to be honest) which put together make this not a good situation.

You're like me - you see something which is a bit off, and then come up with a 'good' thing to try to offset it.

''The groom and his family is inviting all in sundry and spending thousands of his inlaws money'' .... ''OH but he's a good boy because he was so impressed with his wife's birth performance he proposed''.

''The mother of the groom took up loads of her DIL to be's time at the wedding dress fitting for herself'' .... ''OH but she's a nice woman and DH gets invited to join in with the football get togethers''.

''Your DD is spending your cash like it's no tomorrow and hasn't even bothered asked if there's anyone you'd like to invite'' ... ''OH but she's a great mother to her children and is so quiet and gentle'' .... ????

I think your DD is taking the piss and your SonIL and his family are rubbing their hands together. No they're not all EVIL BASTARDS and deserve to die - no one is saying that - but come on, try and see this the way we're seeing it.

What can you do about it?
Talk to your daughter. Baring in mind no one has actually been invited yet - there is still time to pare this back slightly and bring it back to a bit of sanity.

Genuine question OP: What do you think is going to happen if you say the words:
''We love you DD and we love [son in law], and we are happy to give this X amount to you both for this wedding, but we feel it's getting very lopsided on his side. Do they know it's us footing the bill?''.

And just to reiterate what @Laiste has added, I don't think ILs are bad people, just a bit over sure of themselves and loud and effusive and most importantly confident in themselves.

They probably think they are helping the young couple with wedding planning because you and your DH are not. They probably also expect pushback when they've gone over the line, and will keep going until they get it.

Please talk to your DD and ask her to invite your two friends. I know it goes against the grain to be direct, but honestly the two of you seem to be twisting yourselves up like pretzels about it.
ILs friends will be there - I'd bet money on it - and the issue is it's your money and what you want it so small and reasonable dammit, that it pains me you won't bring it up.

It's incredibly unfortunate that this thread was picked up on by a number of posters who seem to have some strange attitudes to money within families. One person upthread mentioned gifts of money being used to manipulate others and I think that is very telling. I am sorry that those people have clearly had experience of financial control and manipulation but this is not relevant to your situation, OP.

The obsession with 'strings' being attached to a gift of money completely ignores that absolutely everything we do for the people in our lives, wither monetary or not, exists within a complex web of interpersonal relationships. Perhaps 'threads' is a more helpful concept than the very emotive 'strings', which implies control. I have been very fortunate to receive some financial help from family. It came with no 'strings' or conditions as pp would understand them, but when I used that money I was mindful of the love and respect I have for the people who gave me it and therefore I ensured that I made responsible choices.

In healthy relationships there is reciprocity and respect, which is not the same as control or manipulation, and currently this particular dynamic is completely one-way. I agree with the pp who thinks that you and your whole family sound excessively conflict-avoidant. You can't spend your life on eggshells. It's wonderful that your DH has survived a frightening experience but he will literally bankrupt himself if you allow him to continue spending unchecked.

You have got to find a way to speak up, OP, and I rather suspect that your DD might be relieved when you do.

Yes, 2 things spring our from the last 2 posts:

One - your DD might well (even deep down) appreciate your input and a bit of support to equalise the showing on her side of the family.

Two - i recon the inlaws might be in the dark about who's footing the bill and yes, are waiting for/expecting/wondering where a bit of boundary making is coming.

WRT my first point:
My DH has a huge family and i have a very small one. Whilst i wanted a nice amount of people at our wedding i didn't want it badly enough to be totally outnumbered by DHs family. Apart from just the sort of principal of it, parts of his family would have taken over the day - it's just how they are - and me and my very few reserved family members would have ended up being onlookers in the corner. Supposing your DD has a worry about this which she hasn't voiced? She might be pleased to have you try to equal things up a bit rather than be the one to broach it to her DF who might be a bit under the thumb with his mother? I don't know. One thing i do know is you can never be sure of the family dynamics going on behind the scenes in other people's families.

In our case I talked to my DH at the time and he totally understood and we kept it to 50/50 ish even though it meant a much smaller do than MIL would have liked.

@rookiemere

They've been living together since 2018.

They were saving to get married. When they officially became engaged they immediately set their date. Not like some who get engaged, never set a date and never marry. They chose to make a commitment to each other quite early in their relationship.

His family are the opposite of mine - they all appear confident (could be described as loud) and dominate the room/place - doesn't make them bad people. They are great company. They reached out and supported me when my husband was ill - they didn't have to.

There was only one assistant (the owner) in the whole place when we had our appointment at the bridal shop. Her assistant had unexpectedly rung in sick. We weren't twiddling our thumbs waiting - we were looking at the dresses and bridesmaids dresses, veils, jewellery. In fact we were quite giddy and doing silly dances to the background Muzak while no one was watching. It wasn't a subdued or somber occasion. It was a giggling, girlie, and a teary morning followed by a lovely long lunch because the men were looking after the children.

Yes - I agree, my husband is sarcastically moaning about the one sidedness of it all and trying to disguise it as humour. We can't magically conjure up more family. I'm surprised he's moaning tbh as he's been spending money hand over fist since his by-pass surgery. 'Pump head' is an actual thing and it's either temporary or can be permanent. He was on by-pass much longer than originally planned as the surgery was more complex than the scans indicated. He's probably more bothered about it being unequal than the expense. Even if all our friends went we wouldn't equal the groom's side.

I'm thinking that the problem was that if his relatives were only invited to the evening event, they wouldn't bother to travel the distance involved so his mum was wanting them all to be at the main event. He was wanting his friends at the actual ceremony over his relatives who he seldom sees. So they've found it difficult to decide between the whole day event versus just the evening event. Some of his friends have been married 10+ years and he's trying to reciprocate the many wedding invitations he's had previously.

At least I haven't caused them any bad feeling, unlike the in laws who are emotionally blackmailing their son because the best man isn't one of his brothers (they're not groomsmen either). I will not mention numbers and I will not mention lists and I will not mention seating/table arrangements or anything else to do with the wedding. I will be here to support when necessary.

There's a lot of vipers here considering that I didn't post in AIBU. There are polite ways of saying negative things without being downright insulting.

I can honestly say now - I'm not bothered if our friends don't go. I was worried that they would think it odd as we went to their son's wedding. As did an OP on another thread - hence my post.

OP, my eldest DD is engaged to a lovely guy and wanting to get married asap, but they can't because he is being a bit emotionally blackmailed by his mother about numbers and who comes too. There's a stalemate.

Me - i'm keeping out of it.

Maybe i should be as brave as you and start a thread 😂

You sound very passive here, as if it's not up to you what you pay for or how much it costs.

Traditionally, if the bride's parents are paying for a wedding then they are the hosts and the invitations definitely come from them. Then you all sit down and agree numbers, including who you would like to invite.

Your dd seems to want all the benefits of your money without making any concessions in return. Her partner's family sounds like a nightmare.