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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 17:52

If you're paying of course you get a say on the invitations. TBH if they're "family friends" I'd hope they were invited anyway, unless it's a very small do.

SunshineThelma · 22/04/2023 17:53

This reads like you're muddling two things - asking would be completely reasonable, but 'having a say' like you're calling the shots? No. Their wedding, their choice who to invite. Of course you can suggest or remind about certain family friends, but at the end of the day it'd be down to the couple who to invite.

35965a · 22/04/2023 17:53

If the parents are paying then they have a say, IMO.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Floralnomad · 22/04/2023 17:55

If the parents are paying then they get a say , if the couple are paying they invite who they want .

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 22/04/2023 17:57

Generally couples pay for the wedding themselves now, or at least a significant contribution and so they don’t have to invite all their parents friends and long lost relatives. You are paying for the wedding so you should be able to say who to invite. Especially when you’re going to such expense.

In most cases I would say couples accept there a few key people that parents would like to attend.

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 17:57

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. None of my parents friends were invited to our wedding. That would be weird.
If you want to pay for the wedding that's fine, but let them invite who they want. It's not your wedding!

pbdr · 22/04/2023 17:57

You can decide whether your offer to pay for the wedding is fully no strings attached, or if it is conditional on your preferred guests being included. Of course the ultimate decision about the guest list lies with the bride and groom, but you're under no obligation to pay for the wedding if you don't approve.

cocksstrideintheevening · 22/04/2023 17:58

If you're laying you get a say. Which is why we paid for our own wedding!

SquigglePigs · 22/04/2023 17:58

I think in your situation it would be absolutely ok to ask the question. It sounds like a big wedding and the people you would like to include are known to the bride. The problem comes when parents try to insists on invites for multiple people who aren't close to the bride at small weddings. Having said that, you should respect the response if it is "no" and not complain/sulk/passively aggressively comment etc. because at the end of the day it is their wedding.

Haus1234 · 22/04/2023 17:59

Is it one couple that your DD knows well? It would be very reasonable to ask your DD to invite them (and debatably unreasonable for her to refuse given you are paying).

However, it is no longer the case that the parents set the whole guest list and only invite their friends + family plus a very small amount of the B&Gs friends which is what my parents wedding in the 70s was like!

JorisBonson · 22/04/2023 18:00

I've been married twice and both times I've had an absolute headache with my mother trying to invite her friends, some of whom I don't even like.

Stay out of it, it's up to them who they invite.

baddecisions11 · 22/04/2023 18:00

I would agree you do get a say to an extent. For example suggesting it would be nice to invite a couple of your friends is fine, but if you had a list of 10 people or so people you wanted to come or you were demanding certain people should not attend for example then that wouldn't be fair

Intergalacticcatharsis · 22/04/2023 18:00

That sounds like it is going to be a very expensive wedding! I am surprised you didn’t agree on a set number of guests for the groom’s side. It sounds very one sided. Of course you should be allowed to invite your friends if they are close to your daughter. How does she feel about it? I would have an open and honest discussion about it as soon as possible with her.

Heroicallyfound · 22/04/2023 18:00

You can decide whether your offer to pay for the wedding is fully no strings attached, or if it is conditional on your preferred guests being included.

yes this, but if your gift of paying is with strings attached then it’s only reasonable to communicate that to the bride and groom so they can accept/decline your gift and all the strings consciously. Otherwise it just creates problems. If you haven’t communicated about it, don’t be surprised if the bride and groom get annoyed when you try to invite people.

ExtremelyDetermined · 22/04/2023 18:01

It is IMO perfectly normal for a few of the parents friends to be invited, ones that know the bride/groom, not random ones. Both our parents best friends were invited (3 couples on my side, 1 on DH's). Our parents both made a contribution to the costs of the wedding so it was perfectly reasonable and it was lovely that they could all come.

cingolimama · 22/04/2023 18:01

Absolutely I think you have a say. A wedding, unless it's a very small, private affair, is a life event that involves more than the couple at the centre of it. Also, it's a lovely thing to have people rooting for you and your marriage. Some of the nicest, most generous and most thrilled-to-be-there guests at my own wedding were people I hardly knew, but were close with my in-laws. It expanded things, if you know what I mean.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2023 18:02

I don’t know if get a say is necessarily the right approach. Are you getting involved in their other decisions or just leaving them to it and signing cheques? You can certainly say it would mean a lot to you that x and y are invited as close family friends etc. Hopefully they’re already planning to include them.

Tickledtrout · 22/04/2023 18:03

If you're paying, you're very much the host. Of course you get to invite a few close friends especially if the groom's "side" outnumbers yours to such an extent

MrsHsGirl · 22/04/2023 18:04

I think if it's a small do which the couple are paying for themselves then you can't really expect your friends to be invited.

However, if it's 150 people plus and you've paid for the whole thing I would absolutely be expecting to invite my friends! If they don't suggest it off their own back I think perfectly reasonable to ask if Susan and Dave etc etc can come

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:05

I'm thinking back to my wedding and can remember several couples on both sides of the family who were friends of our parents.

We paid for our wedding. Our parents paid for our honeymoon.

We haven't had any input up to now - all the main services required are booked.

My husband has mentioned (in jest - hopefully) that he's paying for a massive party for the in-laws.

He would be upset if our friends were left out. Confused

OP posts:
ExtremelyDetermined · 22/04/2023 18:05

Yes to it expanding things, we had known all the parents friends all our lives but having them at the wedding sort of shifted things from us being the children of their friends to us being friends of theirs as adults. Hard to explain but that is how it feels.

3WildOnes · 22/04/2023 18:05

My parents invited four friends to our wedding, as did my DH's. Both of them contributed to our wedding. They both asked and we were happy to have them there.

Caterina99 · 22/04/2023 18:07

Yes my parents’ friends came to my wedding. But they were pretty close family friends and my parents paid for a lot of our wedding. I believe it was 2 couples and our wedding meal was 100 people. They also invited less close friends to the evening do.

My DB had a much smaller wedding due to covid (and also it suited them better) with just 30 guests in total. My DP contributed towards the cost but they did not get any say in who was invited.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/04/2023 18:08

The bride and groom decide on who they want. Just because you are paying doesnt mean you get to overrule them. You could ask if there were any spare seats left could so and so come but you should respect their decision if they say no.

If you pay for the dress would you expect to able to overrule the bride on colour or length?
If you pay for the venue would you expect to be able to overrule their choice?
If you pay for the flowers would you expect to be able to overrule on colour scheme?

If you answer yes to any of the above, you will are the overbearing parent from hell.

tailinthejam · 22/04/2023 18:09

When it comes to having a say, then it is the sort of thing I wouldn't really want to get involved in unless I was asked whether there was anyone they needed to invite that they hadn't already put on the list.

Like asking one female cousin to be a bridesmaid and not the other one, for instance. Not that I'm still annoyed about that a decade later, SIL.

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