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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
Lamelie · 22/04/2023 18:54

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 17:57

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. None of my parents friends were invited to our wedding. That would be weird.
If you want to pay for the wedding that's fine, but let them invite who they want. It's not your wedding!

It takes a village etc. we’re your your parents’ friends not around when you were growing up? I’ve known many of my parents’ friends since I was a baby, of course they were at my wedding. Similarly my dc have adults in their lives they’ve known since birth including Godparents- whoever was paying for a wedding they’d want them there in their own right.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:54

tailinthejam · 22/04/2023 18:09

When it comes to having a say, then it is the sort of thing I wouldn't really want to get involved in unless I was asked whether there was anyone they needed to invite that they hadn't already put on the list.

Like asking one female cousin to be a bridesmaid and not the other one, for instance. Not that I'm still annoyed about that a decade later, SIL.

Grin
OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 22/04/2023 18:54

It's their wedding not yours. You shouldn't interfere in ANY of their plans. Any money you give should NOT have conditions attached to it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
NewtyB · 22/04/2023 18:55

I was very lucky and my parents paid for my wedding - and I let them invite several of their friends who they socialise with regularly and who I have known for years (although I may have not seen them myself for a couple - living away etc). It seemed like a nice gesture, and it was really nice to see them!

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:55

Bimbom · 22/04/2023 18:09

You're paying for a massive wedding, of course you should be able to invite some family friends.

Are the invites traditional, ie from you?

No - they are doing their own invites.

OP posts:
QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 18:56

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 18:51

It sounds like the OP just wants a day out with her mates rather than caring about her daughter's wedding.
My parents gave me money towards our wedding and they never once had any expectations or demands. My dad only knew one person out of the whole wedding and he didn't complain about not having friends there.
I'll repeat again OP - it's not your day whether you are paying for it or not!

I think it's entirely reasonable for OP to want some of "her" people at a (quite emotionally challenging) do, where she'll be so out numbered by the other side. Sneering at that shows no human decency ot understanding at all.

AuntieSoap · 22/04/2023 18:56

I think your DD is being unreasonable if she doesn't allow you to invite your friends. It doesn't sound as though you want to take over at all!

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 18:56

I’ve been married twice. The second time my parents kicked in a bit of cash, the in-laws nothing. Fair enough. But MIL wanted to have a say on venue, guests, food, everything. I was pretty hacked off about that!

itsmylife7 · 22/04/2023 18:57

Have you actually asked your daughter...can you invite auntie x and uncle x.....if not why not ?

Bubbleses · 22/04/2023 18:57

I think if you are paying you have a say… to be honest this is why me and my DH refused to accept our parents’ contributions to the wedding - we wanted control over the guest list and the wedding generally and felt that if the parents contributed they would feel like they have a say in how we organise the wedding (which is fair enough given how expensive weddings are!). We declined their offers of contributions and said they could contribute to our honeymoon instead (which was significantly cheaper for them)

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:58

Wishawisha · 22/04/2023 18:13

I think you have a lot of say if you’re paying.

In my cohort of friends, acquaintances, coworkers etc I’d say it’s very unusual in this day and age for your parents to pay for your wedding. If they do pay, then it’s not just your day.

I barely discussed my wedding with my parents, bar inviting them, but I didn’t ask them for a penny.

It is their day.

It's certainly not our day - we make up less than 10% of the guests.

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 22/04/2023 18:58

Smartiepants79 · 22/04/2023 18:47

Well I love my parents so I invited the few people who were very important to them.
People who had known me all my life and watched me grow.
It would not have occurred to me to do otherwise honestly.

Ditto.

toodlesofoodles · 22/04/2023 18:59

We paid for our own wedding and invited close family friends, I wanted people there who I'd grown up around!

Surely they should already be on your daughter's list?

Luckyduc · 22/04/2023 19:00

If you're paying then yes you get a choice.....but most couples pay these days lioe I did so I point blank refused people I didn't want.

DannyZukosSmile · 22/04/2023 19:01

This is why many couples now prefer to fund their own wedding these days. If the parents fund it, they INSTANTLY think they have the right to call the tune, call the shots, and start making demands, telling the couple who can come etc etc. The bride and groom get to pick who comes, NOT you @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche If you don't like it, then pull out of funding it.

Chewbecca · 22/04/2023 19:01

My parent's had a handful of guests at our wedding as did my MIL. They were people I (or DH) had known all my life but probably wouldn't have invited if it were just ME. I'm very happy we did, our families were happy.

TheShade · 22/04/2023 19:01

Weddings are expensive and to include a long list of parents friends has a huge impact. I think it’s kind to include parent’s friends if you can stretch to it but you should only feel ‘obliged’ if they’re contributing financially, otherwise the cost can spiral out of control.

furryfrontbottom · 22/04/2023 19:01

Why are you paying for 150 guests? Is your future son in law the CF of all time?

Chewbecca · 22/04/2023 19:01

Urgh, parents, not parent's!

BananaSpanner · 22/04/2023 19:01

I don’t get why you haven’t asked your DD already. It’s a reasonable request. Just say you would really like them there and it would mean a lot to you. I would have done this for my mum regardless of her contribution.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 19:03

Excited101 · 22/04/2023 18:14

I think it’s really odd when the parents pay and then think they can invite all their friends. If you don’t want to pay for them to have the day they want, don’t offer! Presumably if your friends are that relevant to the bridge/groom then they would be invited anyway. If they’re not, why should they be there celebrating the union of 2 people they don’t even know- the whole thing is really weird! If you want a party for your friends then have one, don’t take over your daughters wedding to do so.

You think it's odd that we would like our best friends (one couple) that we've known for 40 years at a wedding we are paying for in its entirety? There are only 12 family guests on our side - hardly hogging the numbers.

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 22/04/2023 19:05

Surely if you know the only thing they are currently juggling is finalising the guest list, then you need to be having this conversation with them, well, yesterday really? Just call and ask

Ragwort · 22/04/2023 19:05

Of course you should be able to invite a few friends .. particularly as you are paying for the whole event ... your DD and her fiancé sound as though they are totally taking advantage of your generosity... to have 150 guests on one side Shock.

I think back to my first wedding and the only people I am in touch with are relatives and 'old' family friends ... all other friends and work colleagues etc have just drifted away.

I think you need a quiet heart to heart with your DD about the arrangements. It's totally different if the young couple are paying for their own wedding .. but it sounds as though you will literally be contributing thousands of pounds yet not allowed to invite one or two old family friends. I would be deeply disappointed if that was my DD.

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 19:05

Whatever you do, you need to do it soon.

Your DH will not be happy if these friends aren't invited, it's clear from the discussions between DD and her DF that they haven't been invited and there is already some toing and froing over the guest lists.

I'd message them now, tonight

" DD, please can you invite John and Jill to your wedding. We don't want to interfere in your plans but they are our closest friends and it would mean a lot to us to have them join us on your special day. I should have mentioned this earlier, so I hope this doesn't cause any issues with numbers, it is important to us that they are invited."

LaLaLouella · 22/04/2023 19:06

It is completely reasonable to want your 2 best friends, who your daughter also knows well, at a wedding where there are over 150 guests and you are funding the entire thing.

Seriously, you are overthinking this - tell your daughter they should be invited!